Resurfacing.....

[vfarm]

I lived abroad in Germany in my early twenties (I'm English) and fell head over heels in love with a girl of the same age. For both of us it was our first true love - we were both one another's firsts intimately, too. After 6 wonderful months together I needed to come home to finish my degree. We kept the relationship going for a couple of years (lots of phonecalls - these were the days before email! - and as many visits as possible) but, after a couple of years, distance drove us apart. I was heartbroken - it was more her decision than mine, she said she needed someone who could be there and that she needed to move on.

This was 20 years ago. In the intervening period we have indeed moved on with our lives. She is married with two children, I have never married - I have had girlfriends, but, I guess, never met the right one although I thought I had at one point.

We have always kept in touch via Christmas cards and, over the last 5 years, the very occasional email - maybe one a year each on top of the Christmas cards. From these emails, I know she has had a difficult past few years; both her parents have died at a fairly young age (mid 60s) from cancer and I have had the underlying feeling that all has not been well in her world: sentences such as 'I need to make some changes in my life' are things I recall from a year or two back.

A couple of months ago, she sent me an email to say that she was coming to London with her eldest child (an 11 year-old boy) for a trip and some sightseeing. She wondered if, as I live only an hour or so away, I might like to meet up. I thought it would be nice to see her again after so many years, although I was a little apprehensive as I feared we would have nothing to say to one another.

So we met up, had a meal and spent a lovely evening chatting. All my fears about our meeting were quickly vanished - it was like we hadn't seen one another for two weeks, not 20 years. It was a truly magical evening. The overall impression I had was that the young girl I had fallen in love with over 20 years ago had turned out to be a wonderful, funny and empathetic woman.

So fast forward a month and I can't stop thinking about her - I am in turmoil. My feelings for her have been reawakened - it is clear to me that - and I know this'll sounds like a cliche - she is my 'soulmate' and that I haven't met anyone like her since.

I sent a brief, bland email a few days after she'd gone back home simply saying what a pleasant evening I'd had and how good it had been to reconnect and I got something very similar back. As much as this was nice, I don't like not being true to my feelings - even though I know that I am liable to hurt a load of people (mysef included) if I speak from the heart. The issue is I don't know how she's feeling: when we met, she spoke of how her parents' deaths had made her realise that 'life is short' and that was why she wanted to see me again: so was it a hello or a goodbye?

The safest course of action, I know, would be to do nothing and just drop her a Christmas card in 6 months: basically, virtually pretend we never met this summer and just recommence the brief, seasonal exchange of pleasantries. I am a realist; with her having a husband and children and living in another country, I know deep down it isn't feasible. But another part of me (probably the immature, selfish bit) wants to tell her how seeing her again has made me feel.

I am leaning towards the 'no action' camp of sitting tight as I know that, in another 20 years, i might regret any actions now. I'd welcome views and advice from anyone who has gone through similar issues.

Thank you!