caseyjayne Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I met up with my ex of 3.5 years today after 6 weeks. We met up at a coffee shop and at first things were awkward (as anticipated) after a slow start we were talking like nothing had ever happened. He brought up alot of things we'd done together as a couple and laughed and joked about them, it was nice to just catch up with him. There is a guy who likes me (however I have told him I feel nothing for him) my ex brought up how he'd liked comments my ex had posted on photos of him and felt he was trying to make a point... what point could that be? My ex knows I have no intention of being with this guy. For the majority of the meet we were having a really nice time and he did something he knows makes me embaressed (when people stare at me for a long time) and he was doing it to make me laugh. He even spoke about how he's not ready to move on etc but has previously told me he doesn't love me and has NO feelings for me? We ended up staying for 3 hours talking (with the occasional awkward silence) and I know I should not have spent that long with him but we didn't even notice the time! We decided to leave and it was strange to part and neither of us really knew what to say. He said if we saw eachother we would say hi... I told him if he didn't want me to continue talking to him I would stop and he didn't answer and just said "we'll see what happens" He hugged me (I didn't hug back as I was upset) and then I said bye to him as I walked away I was literally holding in my tears and he asked me 3/4 times if i was okay/if i was sure i was okay. I said yes and walked to my friends house. I just don't know where to go from here. This is our 2nd meeting since breaking up and he was very cold last time (2 weeks ago) this time it was nothing like that. Desperate for advice - you guys have all been so great and it's so refreshing to talk to someone impartial as we have lots of mutual friends! Here is my previous post if you want the back up story, I warn you though it's very long! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/333400-have-i-blown
Stanza Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I'm really curious what the men might think of this, seems very different from him in your previous meeting and much more hopeful from a female view. Seems like it was hard for him to say goodbye too. When will you see him again?
Gulf-Delta Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I'm really curious what the men might think of this, seems very different from him in your previous meeting and much more hopeful from a female view. Seems like it was hard for him to say goodbye too. When will you see him again? Well, all men are different. I now if it was ME, spending that much time with a girl (especially if this is repeated behavior) would mean I liked her. In fact, me and my ex, when we started, were very much like the OP.... However, some men are dicks and he could just be seeing if youre still on his leash, but it doesn't seem like it. Proceed with caution I say. Once the awkward silences are gone, and the comfort has returned, MAYBE you can bring up the relationship...MAYBE. Who arranged this first meetup? Who called who first?
tallydoo Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 The same thing happened to me this weekend!! Saw the ex after a few weeks of NC (we've been broken up for four months) three separate times in as many days. The first time he invited me to a small party he was having and spent most of the evening talking to me/making references to people and things only I knew; the second time he did more of the same plus ignored the girl he started seeing a month after we broke up; and the third he started more random conversations with special references to our particular past. This is also a complete turnaround from how he was acting before I went NC/NIC. I'm highly intrigued as to what's going on in his head, as I am with what's going on in your ex's head. I'd wait it out and see if it happens again--that way, you protect yourself from being his ego boost. Let him work a little bit for you.
Author caseyjayne Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 He asked if we could speak on the phone tonight and when we did he said he thought it was too soon and it was too familiar (like when we were together) he then said that he didn't feel anything for me and that we should spend more time apart because it wasn't helping me or him. as you can imagine after what i thought was a great meeting i'm devestated. the only thing i can do is respect his wishes for us to spend time apart.
leoc1973 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 he met you to see if you were still hooked on him. He is worried about the other guy. If he had no feelings for you then he unless you had begged him to meet he wouldn't have met you. When I first came to this site so many people gave me so much good advice, a lot of which I didn't take. They told me to block my ex off facebook and ignore her and even start dating and the ex would realize she was losing me and might even come back. I didn't listen and I lost her for good. I met up with my ex a few months ago and she said in the beginning of the breakup she thought about calling and asking for me back every day but she thought she had time to do her thing and decide what she wanted to do. She said if I had blocked her out of my life she would have definitely freaked out and asked to have me back. now she did finally come to try again but its too late(my decision) So take the advice that I didn't take. Block him off facebook and ignore him all together and go out on some dates. If he loves you he will be back and if not then you don't want someone that doesn't love you anyway!
Author caseyjayne Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 thank you for all the advice. maybe it was too much too quick. i'm going to cut him out of my life for a while as this is the best thing for me. i really love him but he's doing everything he can to push me away - i know he thinks i'll cave in and talk to him but i won't. i don't believe he has no feelings for me because of how he acts around me but i do feel that he doesn't truly understand himself and that this relationship isn't what he wants right now (and he may never want it again) for whatever reason. he's never acted this way before, ever and i know he is doing it because he feels it's in my best interest. he told me on the phone that he wouldn't forget me no matter how long we're distanced for. i need to focus on myself because i've been hurting more than i thought possible for the past 6 weeks and i need to heal.
Stanza Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 sounds like you have a good plan. I'm sorry how the phone call turned out, I don't believe he doesn't have feelings, he just said that, he just doesn't have the 'right' ones maybe to start up yet. Maybe time and distance is what he needs to gain perspective of what life is like fully without you. It does feel like this is a scenario to take time out for yourself and be away from him.
melvin Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 To be perfectly honest, if he wanted to be with you, he would. During a previous breakup I would contact my ex every now and then when i felt lonely (for about a year). She made me happy for that time being and I eventually contacted her less and less. If I wanted to be with her, I would of been with her, but that was not in the deck of cards.
Author caseyjayne Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 To be perfectly honest, if he wanted to be with you, he would. During a previous breakup I would contact my ex every now and then when i felt lonely (for about a year). She made me happy for that time being and I eventually contacted her less and less. If I wanted to be with her, I would of been with her, but that was not in the deck of cards. I understand what you are saying here but things aren't always so clean cut. We'd been apart for a while when I was at uni and yes 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' but it can also have the opposite effect which I have learnt from other peoples situations. We are so young and although we are not together right now I know it will be good for us no matter what happens in the future we've been together from the age of 15 - 19 so we've done alot of maturing and changing. He always acts on impulse but seeing how hurt I was by the break up convinced him that we should not get back together (in fear of what might happen in the future) All I can do is wait it out. Every situation is different.
Dblock10 Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 sorry bout this, you obviously care a lot about him. its cruel what he is doing. its like he doesn't want to totally let you go, so is keeping you at arms length, testing the waters when ever he likes. i don't know your situation to well, but seems like he just doesn't want to hurt you but also can't help to keep himself away... you need to move on with your life and if he comes back.. well then thats for you to decide. you will call the shots. your both 19 now? this is common from my experience. no one at this age (majority) of people don't know what they truly want from life, so its a case of getting out there and experiencing life.
sweetheart5381 Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Sometimes space is needed for both partners to get their heads and hearts straight. My ex contacted me 2 nights ago, out of the blue telling me he missed me (we were friends for about 7 months, dated exclusively for about 8 months, then broke up for 5 months). We are also co-workers. My jaw hit the floor when I saw his name on my phone. He was so cold when we broke up, like a block of ice, a completely different person than the one I had known. We got together last night and had the best time. Our communication and understanding of one another is so much better now. We appreciate how special our connection is, now that we have explored what is out there, so to speak. We are going to take things slow, address the issues that stressed us and just enjoy one another. Gonna go with the flow. Space and time apart can indeed be a good thing in a relationship when used correctly. Perhaps just lay low and keep contact to a minimum. Let him come to you when he is ready. Move on as though he is gone right now because he is. He will definitely act one way (pursue you) or the other (move on and forget you) when he realizes that he may lose you forever.
Author caseyjayne Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 It's only been 7 weeks and it's literally killing me. I find the advice on here so helpful because everyone I talk to tells me we'll be back together in no time and although this is what I want I don't want to be holding back and waiting for him. I feel like we lost the spark because of the distance but we can't get it back without seeing eachother but he doesn't trust himself being alone with me. I would never jump straight back into this relationship - he means everything to me but I don't think I could cope with us getting back together, it not working out and feeling like this again. There's so much we need to work on if we were to get back together. Everytime he's off of my mind I don't have a care in the world and then I get this gut feeling that it's not really over but I don't know whether this is because of my emotions but my gut feeling has never been wrong before. I gave EVERYTHING he'd ever given me, written me or anything that reminded me of him to my best friend and she's keeping it at her house. I wiped my computer and put all the photos etc on a disc which I also gave to her otherwise I find myself in a complete mess at ridiculous hours of the morning. He's a very hidden person - he doesn't show how he feels unless of course we're face to face alone - which isn't going to happen anytime soon. He'll only meet me in a public place etc and now he won't meet atall. I know he's trying to push me out of his head but I really feel like this is real and that this is it - he even used to talk about where we'd go on holiday when we're an elderly couple and building a home etc when I finish uni. I don't understand why it's so hard to forget one person when he makes it seem like it's so easy - we were together for so long that I know it's not what he's making out and that it's hard for him too but he will never admit it. I just wish people would stop telling me how perfect we were, how we'll get back together because this makes it harder for me to work on myself. He always takes the easy way out instead of dealing with situations and I know he's terrified that if he told me he felt something for me still that I would wait.
Alban Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 You both seem to having feelings for each other and honestly I can't see anything bad about getting back in the relationship, when you feel for him and he feels for you why oh why are you making it so hard ? I think it's just a ego thing in your case, you should both **** your ego's that's what destroy's everyones life. I hope you get together since I clearly see that you and him are having strong emotions for each other. Have a nice time
Author caseyjayne Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 You both seem to having feelings for each other and honestly I can't see anything bad about getting back in the relationship, when you feel for him and he feels for you why oh why are you making it so hard ? I think it's just a ego thing in your case, you should both **** your ego's that's what destroy's everyones life. I feel like I'm giving him everything though and he's not willing to give anything in return and really I have no idea what to do. I'm not willing to let him go completely though because I have faith in our relationship and he means everything to me. Does anyone have an advice. I've backed off completely. I don't even speak to him now but I think about him all the time.
sweetheart5381 Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 I feel like I'm giving him everything though and he's not willing to give anything in return and really I have no idea what to do. I'm not willing to let him go completely though because I have faith in our relationship and he means everything to me. Does anyone have an advice. I've backed off completely. I don't even speak to him now but I think about him all the time. Try to be patient and divert your attentions elsewhere. Go on dates, even if you don't really feel like bonding with anyone else. I have met many of my current good friends while getting over exs in the past. Get a massage, start a new workout program, change up your daily routine, especially your weekend routine. Say "Yes" when your friends ask you to do something, even if you don't really feel like it. Those are just a few that I used to help stop thinking about mine.
Author caseyjayne Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 It's just so hard I'm scared he may never come back because as I've said he's so shy and so scared of rejecting but I would never reject him I honestly truly believe that we're meant to be together and I want everything back so much. I've distracted myself by going out etc but I always feel like I'm putting a downer on the whole mood even if I'm not. However I have started yoga again and done some more art as these are both hobbies of mine so I'm making progress. He goes to America with family for a fortnight on the 22nd so that will give me plenty of time where I know I can't contact him anyway.
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