Narcissistic Ex

[xenomorph]

After months of coping, therapy, self-reflection, forgiveness, and good ol' fashioned hard work, I've come to realize something very true, very real about my soon to be ex-Husband: he was a narcissist.

 

He exhibited all the signs and behaviors, including emotional and some physical abuse. In turn, I was exhibiting all the typical co-dependent behaviors (which I still feel very ashamed of).

 

I tried ruling it out, but all evidence points to an unequivocal "yes".

 

 

The one pattern that kept repeating itself throughout our entire relationship was a classic narcissist pattern:

Every time there was a very important, meaningful, personal event in my life, a fight would happen just before the event, either a day or a couple days, or even a few hours before the event. I thought back and looked at my old journals, and at all the suddenly-canceled events in my calendar (canceled due to an argument or sudden mood change a day prior), and the pattern emerged, clear as day.

 

Every time, without fail.

If my emotional attention was not on him, he would find a way, whether he was aware or not, to divert my attention back to him, for better or for worse. It wasn't always a negative distraction; sometimes it would be surprise sex, where I would be ready to go out or be fully prepared for an event, and he would seduce me. When that didn't work, he would pout and gulit trip me, or we'd argue because I would request to be left alone or be given some space.

 

On the other hand, if HE wanted space of to be left alone, I had to submit to it without fail, or I would be blamed for being "needy".

 

Has anyone else experienced this, or think they may be experiencing this pattern? It was a huge red flag I just didn't bother seeing, and I feel that this is a very key component to identifying whether or not you are in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, especially when the physical abuse aspect is lost in a gray area, and doesn't happen often or violent enough to be seen or suspected by others.

 

 

 

I'm still coping, breaking free and re-assessing what it means to love and be loved. If someone truly loves you, they are happy when you are happy, and would never try to sabotage your personal growth and happiness.

[Exit]

We're all guilty of doing it at some point but really its kinda useless to try to diagnose personality disorders with our exes. It's good to realize how you were mistreated but try to resist the temptation to play psychiatrist. Ironically i think it makes us look kinda narcissistic when we cant possibly fathom that we were just part of a bad relationship that was meant to fail and instead start dishing out labels and diagnoses to make sense of things.

[CopingGal]

We're all guilty of doing it at some point but really its kinda useless to try to diagnose personality disorders with our exes. It's good to realize how you were mistreated but try to resist the temptation to play psychiatrist. Ironically i think it makes us look kinda narcissistic when we cant possibly fathom that we were just part of a bad relationship that was meant to fail and instead start dishing out labels and diagnoses to make sense of things.

 

I disagree. Knowing the traits of a personality disorder an ex may help tremendously. First, it lessens the "why me?" factor. You may still feel like a victim, but maybe much, much less of a victim if your ex does have a personality disorder or strong traits. Then you know for a fact it's not you...it's him...that he did not treat you horribly because there is something wrong with you. He treated you horribly because something is genuinely wrong with him.

 

As angry and as upset as I was and still am, knowing that my ex has strong traits of two personality disorders from cluster B has helped me to deal with what happened to me...especailly when I get out my DSM-IV and read about the symptoms he exhibited.

 

I am at the stage about a year later in which I am starting to feel lots of pity for him on a regular basis. One reason why is because I know of his condition.

 

And finally, knowing if an ex has a personality disorder will help you deal with that person in the future. For example, I know that my ex has no remorse. This isn't me judging him too harshly. He literally has no remorse. This comes from the couple's therapist and the fact that he has strong traits of antisocial personality disorder. I know under any circumstances I could never get back with my ex, be friends with my ex or do anything with my ex. Had I know he had these disorders a long time ago, I would have gotten out much quicker because hallmark symptoms of APD are compulsive lying and lack of remorse. They are also very, VERY promiscuous. I would have known that he was just pretending to be remorseful to further his agenda. I would have paid more attention to my suspicions of him cheating on me. I would have gotten out much sooner, instead of constantly telling myself I was being too sensitive and misjudging him. I would not have been drawn into his lies again and again. I would have been able to protect myself more.

 

 

And now I know what red flags to look for so that (hopefully) I will never get taken in by a sociopathic man again. It was the couple's therapist who informed me of his APD traits. She also recommended that I read up on narcissitic personality disorder. I kept hoping she was wrong. I tried to help my ex. I tried to be compassionate because he had these traits and I wanted to help him through it and in the end he turned on me to the point that I had to talk to the police. The therapist was not wrong. And thank God I began to believe her and completely distanced myself from him. When I finally accepted that my therapist was right, I tried to distance myself from him...but then he got even more dysfunctional. Finally, he calmed down and I was able to be completely without him in my life.

 

I can never, ever be there to support my ex when his world falls apart and never, ever have contact with him again. I now know that he is capable of almost anything and may be capable of acutally anything. I have to stay far, far away.

Edited July 3, 2012 by CopingGal

[xenomorph]

I'm certainly not trying to play psychiatrist; this information unraveled itself during my own personal healing process--and trying to figure out what was 'wrong' with me. It wasn't something I set out to find.

 

I strongly caution against people 'hunting' for clues, rather than discovering patterns or problems naturally through their own healing process. If anyone went out of their way to diagnose someone as, say, bipolar, I'm sure they would find enough evidence to convince themselves of that, or anything else.

 

 

There's a difference between a 'bad relationship' and an abusive, unhealthy relationship. I've had two previous relationships before my marriage, and neither ended in this way. There was always a measure of mutual respect and understanding, whereas this relationship had none from his part.

 

So because of these previous relationships, I know that I am fully capable of having a healthy, loving relationship. I don't know where I fell, but I do know now what signs to look for, and more importantly, what boundaries to set for myself.

 

The one who couldn't--and hadn't in his previous relationships--was my husband.

 

My sincere hope is that he isn't the narcissist he has come off in the end to be revealed to be. I would prefer that he eventually grows up, that it was just some terrible phase of his, and makes amends.

It's my hope, but I wont be wondering, and I won't be waiting (at least not by choice).

[CopingGal]

Yeah, there is a HUGE difference between dating someone who is just selfish and immature and dating someone with sociopathic traits and narcissitic personality disorder traits. Huge, huge difference.