magneet Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Greetings to all I will try to explain this situation in a quick and easy way, even though it much much more complicated. I had a long term Girlfriend (GF). Nearly 3 years. We loved each other dearly. Had a great 1st year, the second year we moved in together which was a mistake, as we didtn really wanted to live together as we were still students back then. 23/24. Hence spending a lot of time at home, working on masters etc.That wasnt good for the relationship. That is when the sex started getting less and less, and the attraction dwindled. She felt like a flatmate. I then moved to a city 30min away, had my own place and she moved back home. but actually was at my place 6 out of 7 days. It worked perfectly. Our relationship itself was great on the other hand - we did everything together, were best friends, supported each other, we were like family, we spoke non stop when we were not together, we had no secrets. we changed each others lives. literally she was my world, and i was hers. but we didnt have sex. maybe once a month just so that i can shut up about it. and it wasnt good. which did put a lot of stress and caused fights, as she felt pressured. she said she didnt feel attracted to me. still wanted to cuddle everynight, still got kisses - but no kissing. she was also very on her last year of studies, hence not being able to come with when i wanted to out, or go away for weekends. so at the end we did our own things in the evenings and came home to each other. great stuff. we did speak about a long term, even though we had issues. one reason is that we were really good to each other. performing, business and sport wise. but not romantically. i discussed moving overseas for work. i then got a job offer. asked her if she is fine with this. i left, and have been gone for 9 months now. we broke up after i left. as we felt that we need to grow. i realised that i want her back. that the spark is not there, but its ok. DOES ONE NEED THE SPARK? thats my 1st question. so after visiting her 6 months later, things were as always - with that i mean our deep love for each other. and simply loving each other. no spark though. we kinda had sex, she was not into it. we spoke every day for the next few months. i thought we were kinda back together. then she came to visit me in europe and we went on a europe tour (she flew 11 000 km to visit me), we had a great trip. i said i want her back, i want a relationship again. nope. again. she said she wanted space, time to figure herself out. that was still no spark. but she still wants to talk to me. she is going out, having fun with people, meeting guys. man, this is messing with me. i am moving back home in 3,5 months. i am confused. Does a marriage, or long term relationship need a spark? if we have everything, besides the attraction, is that enough? are we jsut mend to be friends, who chat? I thought i would marry this woman from day one, as i know this would be a good wive. in all aspects, besides the romantic side... ps, i have had girls where the passion was overwhelming, great sex but thats it. i would love to hear what advice you could give me. lastly, am i being a played?
january2011 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 It does't matter what anyone else thinks. What matters is what you think and what your girlfriend thinks. Even if I told you that, in my experience, it's normal for the spark to die a little and you settle into a comfort zone with your partner, would you be happy with that? Would you accept it? The lack of sex is a related but separate matter. It sounds like you need to have sex more often than she does. And that the sexual chemistry between the two of you isn't strong enough. Was it ever? If you've tried to bring back the attraction and it's just not there, then it sounds like you've reached the end of the road here. I suggest talking to her to see if she feels the same way. If she does, then it it's probably as amicable a breakup as you're ever likely to experience.
day-dreaming Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I am wondering if you want her back because you're getting lonely in another country by yourself and you're imagining coming back to the US (I assume?) and then having no one to come back to. If she wants space-- I would give it to her. Come back and do your own thing. I do NOT suggest trying to have long term with someone without a spark. A spark though usually comes in the beginning and then dwindles or changes as a relationship progresses. It isn't possible to maintain the extreme lustful feelings that occur at the beginning of a relationship. In the end you're describing her as a best friend-- those are the attributes of a best friend (everything but the sexual/romantic aspect). You can find great friends at any place-- and if you and her are meant to be close after a longer period of time perhaps you could have her in your life as just friends. You are young (my age).. and I think you're ahead of yourself to be thinking about marriage this soon. I realize how hard it is to be out of a LTR-- I am doing that now too. I have a very similar situation and the thought of not having him in my life is very scary. However, do you know what is much scarier? Imagining marrying someone and then ten years later there being an affair on either part because of a sexless marriage.. divorce.. children involved.. wasting time etc..
Samilia Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) but she still wants to talk to me. she is going out, having fun with people, meeting guys. Sure she does. She wants to keep her comfort zone around while she explores new options, and meets new guys. DOES ONE NEED THE SPARK? No, the spark is bs. A sex life on the other hand, you need. You're 20 something ..wtf... might as well be a monk or date your best buddy. then she came to visit me in europe and we went on a europe tour (she flew 11 000 km to visit me) am i being a played? She didn't fly 11000 km to visit you, hello! She visited Europe... am i being a played? Yes. She's stringing you on to her benefit. As soon as you left, she broke it off. You're a fool to think otherwise. She keeps you around probably because she likes you, but she made it clear that she doesn't want to be romantically involved anymore. As soon as she meets a new guy, you'll slowly start fading. For now she is the girl who just got out of a 3 years relationship, she's probably not seeing anybody seriously, yet. You're lowering your standards because you're in love with that girl, even considering the option of having a life with her with no sex just so you can keep her around. What the heck, wake up! You really need to start realizing this is not going to happen. You are educated I take it, so smarten up, open your eyes on the situation... and start No contact. Maybe prolong your stay in Europe, date somebody there, whatever makes you take your mind off of her. Your story makes me think about Game of Thrones "the things I do for love".. love is blind. Edited July 3, 2012 by Samilia
ssmith3427 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) Sorry to hear. It seems like she has done everything to try and get that spark. She has been with you for 3 years in that time I am sure she wished a spark would develop, she has tried time apart, but still no spark, there is not much more she can do. Some girls can live without that spark, some can't, some love the feeling of being secure and safe. You sound like you have a lot to offer, considering you don't have that spark, yet you are willing to stay with her is a testament to your character. You are destined to have a great relationship with someone, but maybe not this girl. The best thing you can do is cut contact, you will always have a bond just because you have spent so much time together, both I'm sure trying to make it work. She does have the best of both worlds at the moment, so she will never have time to miss you. I'm of the opinion that love is developed over time, and love is to be worked at. Yes chemistry exists, but for me it's not important, I want the companionship, a life partner. In my experience younger girls need to discover there own concept of love. Everyone has a different one. I say let her see what else is out there, maybe she might find that life with you is what she wants. But she wount find that out until she sees other guys, gets in other relationships, and has to live without you. It's easy to forget what YOU bring to the table, you may tick every box but just not the spark box, let her miss the other aspects of you. For now, work on yourself, get fit, get a six pack, get a good job, learn to drive, and actively try and heal. Go and discover who you are and become a bigger, better, and bader version of YOU! Version 2.0 if you like. 6-12 months later and she may think you are super hot, super cute, and she misses what you both had. I do feel for you fella, the exact same thing has just happened to me :/ so I should re-read my advice lol. Anyway that is what I am doing to give me the best chance of getting my girl back, and also giving myself the best chance to move on. Start no-contact today, don't give her a reason, but if you feel you have to then you should. But make it simple, and to the point. She knows how you feel about her, so don't go over those points again. Make it simple, you need to heal, and to do so she can't be in your life right now. Best of luck fella, I'm rooting for you!! Edited July 3, 2012 by ssmith3427
KatZee Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 You absolutely need to feel a sexual attraction to a person you're romantically linked to. If you don't... it's like dating a roommate, or a close friend. I went through this with one of my exes. He was so in love with me, did everything and anything for me... and in my eyes, I just felt nothing for him beyond that of a friendship. We had started living together and he was like a brother. A roommate. I never wanted to have sex with him. I didn't feel any attraction whatsoever to him, so any sex we did have, was because I felt bad that I would go weeks not doing anything with him. When you don't feel the attraction, the relationship is miserable. I was so unhappy. I would see couples who were so obviously into each other on a physical level and wonder if there was something wrong with me. Of course there wasn't. I just wasn't into HIM! You absolutely do need that.
Author magneet Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 First off, thanks a million for the quick, efficient, thoughtful, relevant and helpful replies. Secondly, I must apologize for my style of writing as it could have been better. @january2011: Good question with the sexual chemistry if it was ever strong between us, which it wasn't. She did say there is no attraction, even though I am a great guy. Thanks for the kind words and posing questions that make me realise a few things. @day-dreaming: "I am wondering if you want her back because you're getting lonely in another country by yourself and you're imagining coming back to the US (I assume?) and then having no one to come back to." I did get lonely, you are correct. but i enjoyed the time to reflect. I did spend more time family, and some friends here, but as its obvious after a long relationship that your heart feels a bit emptier. I gave that a lot of thought as well - do I want her because I am lonely or because I love her. I did fight through that blurry line, and I did come to the conclusion that it is not loneliness (or so i believe). By the way, I am from South Africa, Cape Town. If I would be back home surrounded by friends and family i think a break up would be a bit easier to handle. But wise questions non the less. Thanks for the other things you mentioned. It makes my thoughts easier. As to realise different things. "However, do you know what is much scarier? Imagining marrying someone and then ten years later there being an affair on either part because of a sexless marriage.. divorce.. children involved.. wasting time etc." As well as that I can find friends at any place. haha. Very true. I must say, I miss her as my best friend. I think losing that hurts as well a lot. Thanks for a message that got my mind thinking, and helped a lot. @Samilia Thanks for a short harsh realisation - the hard thruth one might say. Not something that is nice to hear, but something which is definitely good to hear. "You're lowering your standards because you're in love with that girl, even considering the option of having a life with her with no sex just so you can keep her around. What the heck, wake up!" Putting it like that, i agree - wtf? A fellow game of thrones fan, great stuff I also thought about the no contact and tried to it. as she wants the break, she said she wants me to move on, and see whatever might happen in the future. But still she initiates contact on a regular basis. Obviously for the comfort. She also told me, as we discussed this topic, that she said that she needs to find herself and if we have continuous contact she wontt know what it would be like without me. But still phones me, texts me, skypes me, taggs me in fb... I should probably just man up, tell her no contact and stick with it. Thanks for the realisation. @ssmith3427: Very comforting words "You are destined to have a great relationship with someone, but maybe not this girl.". "The best thing you can do is cut contact, you will always have a bond just because you have spent so much time together, both I'm sure trying to make it work. She does have the best of both worlds at the moment, so she will never have time to miss you." I agree totally and thank you for putting into perspective again. I really needed that. "It's easy to forget what YOU bring to the table, you may tick every box but just not the spark box, let her miss the other aspects of you." So funny, she skyped me last night, checking if i am ok - and said that i get a tick on every box, in all aspects, but she needs to figure it out herself. Thank you though, as the other person does need to figure it out. I love that, work on becoming a new Version 2.0 Thanks for telling me to keep it simple. I actually told the exact same thing to a friend of mine the other day, love and life should not be that complicated. Thank you for this motivating support, it really does help. @Katzee: It actually felt like having a roommate, but I was not allowed to go with other girls.. haha, sad but true. "When you don't feel the attraction, the relationship is miserable." - exatly how i felt. Thanks for sharing what you have experienced as well, that you are familiar with it, and u are right, one does need some kind of attraction. From my side: I must thank you all, the contribution from each of you is really helpful. making me realise different things, different viewpoints and motivating me, and hopefully finding some closure for yourselves as well. I do think and actually knew she needs to go out, score a guy or two, and realise what she has in me. I am strong when we dont have contact but as soon as she contacts me, i give her what she wants. damn soft heart. This must change harsh as the NC sounds, I will do it. A reason why I did continue contact after the breakup, is that inevitably she is my best friend. I probably was scared of the double blow, losing GF and BF. Will we get back together in the future? Well, I know one has to move on, in order to give it a chance. I was scared of taking that leap of breaking up totally. As a break is also a breakup, essentially. I did realise this after our europe trip, that the only way forward is to treat this break as a breakup - that destroyed me. I got depressed, I couldnt get out of my for a week or two. maybe I was scared of the harsh truth. Maybe I was just scared of loosing a big support system as well. So to get back to the question if we will get back-together, I cant go through life living on false hope, so the only way is to consider this as a breakup and try to work through it. take it as it comes. To interrupt my own train of thought, I have had a long term girlfriend before, and that break up was also hell of tough. A bit different. But still tough. I thought I learnt how to handle and work my way through a break up, but i assume feelings dont work that way? I watched a movie, called Swingers, 1996. On the opening scence this was the discussion. M:Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her? - You don't call. M:You said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her. - Right. M:So I don't call either way. - Right. M:So what's the difference? - There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up... is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back. ´M: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her. - Right M: Well, that sucks. -Yeah, it sucks. M: So it's like a retroactive decision then? I mean, I could, like, forget about her. And then when she comes back, make like I just pretended to forget about her? - Right, although probably more likely the opposite. M: What do you mean? -I mean, at first you're gonna pretend to forget about her. Not call her, I don't know, whatever. But then, eventually, you really will forget about her. M: Well, unless she comes back first. - Mm, see, that's the thing. Somehow they know not to come back until you really forget. M: There's the rub. - There's the rub. Maybe thats the advice to follow... I think everybody thinks that their current girl, their current situation is different. Maybe love and life is so simple that we just over think it. that we should just accept the truth, even though it hurts. Maybe we will just be friends in the future. Maybe she will realise something, Maybe all are no's, and that she was just a person on that certain life stage. either way, I wish one could fight through emotions a bit quicker Like a express check-out. Please guys, keep motivation or advice flowing. PS: I once read a thread not so long ago, where the person had a similar problem. One morning he woke up and there was a reminder going off on his phone - which was self titled and said " you better be over her". He saved that reminder 8 or 10 months since his last post on the forum. 2 months into the break which turned into a breakup. He said at first he didnt know what that note meant, than memory slowly started to come back. As 95% of the other breaks, the breakup was final, he moved on, all was good. warm regards magnus PSS: i did not check for grammar, once again
Samilia Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I should probably just man up, tell her no contact and stick with it. Yes.. and extend that stay if you can, enjoy life.
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