zoe1983 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I was with my exfiance for almost six years and then a month before the wedding I found out that he was cheating with his assistant manager and he told me that he had feelings for the other girl and wanted to be with her. We broke up, I moved out and we had very limited contact for about four months because we still had a townhouse together that we had to deal with. After his father bought out my half of the mortgage, I cut off all communication. About 6 months later I recieved a text from him concerning the dog we had together, but that is it. That was over 2 years ago. I stayed single for a while so that I could work through stuff and learn to love myself again. After about a year and a half I met my current boyfriend and fell in love. He is an amazing man who treats me like a princess and I feel so lucky to have found him. I truly feel like I am in a healthy relationship for the first time in my life and can see myself marrying this man one day. The issue is that I told him while I have no desire to be with my ex ever again, I still fantasize occasionally about him begging me to get back with him and me turning him down. While I don't want anything awful to happen to him I guess the spiteful side of me does hope that his life will not go as well as it did when him and I were together. I want him to feel like he made a mistake when he cheated and we broke up. My boyfriend thinks that is because I felt powerless when he cheated and I want the power back. However, he is also worried that it means I am not completely over my ex. I feel like I am over him...like I said I have absolutely no desire to be with him ever again. However, do you think my boyfriend is right? Do you think that the fact that I want my ex to be unhappy or somehow cosmically punished for what he did to me means that I am not over him?
Bristolius Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 You seem OK. You might be happier if you stopped your revenge fantasies, but they're not off the charts. You don't need to tell your boyfriend about every thought that flitters through your head. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 It doesn't seem like you are completely over it, even negative feelings are feelings...they just don't have to be positive feelings, that's where most people think their over someone because they don't want to get back with them, that doesn't say you are emotionally moved on or you'd feel indifferent about it...It wouldn't "emotionally" move you. However there may always been some residual emotions from that past relationship, it would be pretty difficult to wipe your memories as If nothing had happened...you were engaged, together for six years, shared a townhouse and even a dog. That's not something that is ever going to escape your memory, however as you get older it become more like a distant past that almost felt like another life. As far as your emotions though, although you spent two years out of a relationship that's not exactly a lot of time to cure that kind of an emotional experience..that was a significant part of your life emotionally, not sure IF you're ready to give 100 percent with this new guy because I don't know IF you have 100 percent to give...and if you do then that's a pretty quick job you did to get over emotionally something so significant, I wish I had your gift! however that's unlikely I think you have to do some soul-searching and figure out emotionally how deeply you can invest in your current relationship, because when it comes to past emotions/hangups there's nothing any new guy can do no matter how amazing he is...old emotions dig in like a nasty tick and it usually takes some time rooting them out. If you were to ask me, you're doing more to jeopardize a good thing than helping your current relationship by having these issues and sharing them with your SO, these are things you should have dealt with before meeting this guy and I think your current relationship may pay the price at some point IF you come to find there are some significant wounds you've been covering up and burying underneath...that part will still be reserved to your ex. It is in my opinion that you cannot give full love If you don't have it to give...but then again most people push on anyway with their current relationship...I just don't think you're emotionally completely ready.
Author zoe1983 Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 I don't know if it makes a difference but the only reason that this conversation came up with my boyfriend was because there was a chance my ex might be coming into my place of work (I work in the court system) in a few weeks for something completely unrelated to me. I thought I should let him know since we are both big on honesty and openness. He wanted to know how I knew my ex might be coming and I told him that I check the names of people I know, including myself, every few months just to see if anything pops up. It is all public record so anyone can look at it.
InJest Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 That was a dumb thing to tell your b/f. Good luck undoing it.
SJC2008 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 It's just a coping mechanism, you're playing it out in your head, and a sign that some hurt is still there. Yall were together for a long time and he betrayed you. If it's an occaisonal thing I wouldn't worry about it but if it's daily it's something you need to address.
Author zoe1983 Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Honestly it comes in spells. Sometimes I will go weeks without even thinking about him and then something will remind me of him and I will think of him for a couple days and then go back to forgetting. Never once have the thoughts included wanting to be with him or missing him. To be honest, I miss the dog more than him and my boyfriend knows that. In hindsight I am not even sure if I ever really loved my ex. When I think about my relationships before him I realize that I have nothing but good wishes for those exes but that it probably took me a couple of years after the breakup to get to that part.
Christine52 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Mmm...you're certainly not over it. But you likely lost your romantic feelings towards your ex (or at least I hope so!) If the former is true, then you need some way to let it go - some kind of ritual, a catharsis. You should take everything that reminds you of him and burn it or throw it off a cliff. You should write a letter to him then burn it. Do something. Then be SUPER good to yourself and those around you so your sense of self and your own power are returned. Then, you can look back and see it merely as a memory.
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