Ex-GF has G.I.G.S. How badly did I mess up my chances for reconcilation?

July 3, 2012

My ex is doing everything outlined in homebrew's thread.

I'm 23M, she's 20F. We dated for 10 months, and it was a LDR. She was afraid to move down here and never told me about it. When she told me, she broke up with me. Reasons were her being afraid to move, me not having a job/going to school (something she was letting me work on when we started dating), she felt like she was making me angry a lot, and there was another guy that was jeopardizing us. She still wanted to remain friends. She wanted to stay single to figure out her love life, since everything was moving so quickly. She wasn't and still hasn't entered into a relationship with anybody else.

Basically, we broke up on 6/13/2012, and she met the guy a week before. She still liked me, but to a way lesser extent. She was afraid that she might like this guy so much because she possibly could have stopped loving me. After three days, she was really starstruck and fell for him. I did some LC for a week to figure out what to do. Exactly a week after our BU, I told her we couldn't be friends, and to contact me if she wanted to try and reconcile. She was tearing up, and I'm pretty sure she probably started crying after I hung up.

I had some friends tell me to open up a line of communication to show her that I still cared. I sent her flowers, etc. Anyway, turns out, a day after I went NC, the guy invited his ex over to a hot tub thing. His friend stood up for my ex and called him out on it. My ex already had a soft spot for this guy, so now she's focusing more on him.

We talked about us. I foolishly brought it up. Turns out she has a big soft soft for this new guy, but she still likes me a fair bit. She's going to stay single for a couple of months to figure things out. At first, she didn't want me to visit her because she was still figuring out her living situation (her mother's kicking her out), but then the reason changed to her not wanting me to waste money in case she decides to go with the other guy.

She's been hanging out with this new guy a lot. She said if he wasn't around, then she'd more than likely get back together with me. Hell, if I was there, then none of this would have happened. I feel like she's leaning towards him, since she's been spending much more time with him. I went NIC since then. This last Saturday, I went out to some clubs while we were texting each other. I was pretty messed up, and some chick grinded on me, and it somehow ended up in the text, though rather nonchalantly with a LOL.

Anyway, she loves the flowers I sent her. Really appreciates them and can't stop thanking me for them. As for my ex, I know she gets jealous easily, but she ignored that comment about the other girl, and she's been much more distant this past week than weeks 1 and 2.

Most threads about G.I.G.S. tell me to go NC, but at this point...would that be wishy-washy? I broke NC at first by saying something like I wanted her in my life, etc.

As for myself, my life's getting in order pretty quickly. I'm getting a job in a week or two and working my ass off. As for school, I'm just waiting for the fall semester to begin.

How do I come out of this in the best light to give myself the best chance of reconciliation? Truthfully though, I'm moving on more every day, but I know the door will never close unless I find somebody else. If I happen to be single years from now, then I'd still probably take her back and start over.

I would like to note that I also made every damn mistake possible right when we broke up. All of the pansy stuff. A few days ago when I broke NC, she didn't think I was weak. What made her like me was of how sweet I was, nice, caring, etc. She found some of my quirks like how nervous I was when we first started dating to be adorable. When I was nervous after breaking NC, she nonchalantly said there was nothing to be nervous about. We kind of rode out discussing our problems, so they're not much of an issue anymore. She knows I'm actually working on them, though she's still iffy. I'm sure it won't matter once I actually do them.

I'm not sure what other G.I.G.S. thread I saw it in, but she "idolized" me early on, which is a symptom. She has anxiety issues, and some emotional problems from her past. Thought I was perfect, etc. Basically, I started out feeling like how she feels now. As time went on, I guess our emotions traded places.

She seems rather indifferent and distant now. /Shrug How do I come out of this in a better light in her eyes?

Edited July 3, 2012 by ZhaoZilong5

July 3, 2012

Well, I know exactly what you are going through there.. Even down to the new guy side tracking her, and how the emotions and feelings you both have had changed places... I broke NC , but she is the one who then stopped replying.. I have not heard from her now in nearly 9 months.. Blows my mind as we were so close... I even messaged her just before deploying to Afghanistan and she didnt even wish me luck or a safe return...

But in time it has got easier... I know I left things well, and can hold my head high. Sorry there is no advice here, but at least you know you are not alone , and knowing that did in fact help me... Thinking about her with this new guy is just not healthy for you, but as I know, almost impossible to ignore... Keep yourself busy, try NC as part of a healing process for you mate

July 3, 2012

Sorry about your situation. When it comes to break ups and exes, i think many people put labels on their behavior or their new partners just to make it easier to deal with. Like: "Oh its GIGS" or "Hes just a rebound"

I am going to be blunt here. Right now, she rather wants to be with that other guy. The only way you can get her back, is to demonstrate higher value, act with class and dignity. In your case i think keeping your distance is your best bet, just ride out the storm

NC is mainly a tool to deal with a break up, not to get someone back. Sure she might miss you, but that other guy is there to comfort her. I am not saying you should try and be her friend, but i don't think vanishing completely will work either. Maybe do very limited contact, keep your interactions happy and cheerful, try and give her the impression you are happy and moving on

The first thing you need to do: Is change your mindset. She is not your source of happiness, you don't need her, and YOU are as much a prize as her. Basically; let her go.

July 3, 2012

She's going to stay single for a couple of months to figure things out.

Lie.

At first, she didn't want me to visit her because she was still figuring out her living situation (her mother's kicking her out), but then the reason changed to her not wanting me to waste money in case she decides to go with the other guy.

The truth comes out. She's going to be dating this other guy. How else would she know if she'd go be with him unless she's dating him? She is most certainly not single, and she wants you out of the picture.

I broke NC at first by saying something like I wanted her in my life, etc.

Trust me. You DON'T want her in your life. You clearly love her and want to be with her. You are intentionally torturing yourself by pretending to be a "friend" while she's off dating the guy she left you for.

Truthfully though, I'm moving on more every day, but I know the door will never close unless I find somebody else. If I happen to be single years from now, then I'd still probably take her back and start over.

You're not moving on at all. Moving on means not wanting them back. Do you really think this is the best you can do? A girl that leaves you for someone else? You'd really carry her torch for years when she doesn't even want to be with you?

She seems rather indifferent and distant now. /Shrug How do I come out of this in a better light in her eyes?

That's because she's with someone else. You're the ex. She's GOING to drift away. You can only cling to her so hard before you realize you need to let go. And you don't do anything. Go about your life. Go NC. Move on. That's the only way.

July 3, 2012

My ex is doing everything outlined in homebrew's thread.

I'm 23M, she's 20F. We dated for 10 months, and it was a LDR. She was afraid to move down here and never told me about it. When she told me, she broke up with me. Reasons were her being afraid to move, me not having a job/going to school (something she was letting me work on when we started dating), she felt like she was making me angry a lot, and there was another guy that was jeopardizing us. She still wanted to remain friends. She wanted to stay single to figure out her love life, since everything was moving so quickly. She wasn't and still hasn't entered into a relationship with anybody else.

Basically, we broke up on 6/13/2012, and she met the guy a week before. She still liked me, but to a way lesser extent. She was afraid that she might like this guy so much because she possibly could have stopped loving me. After three days, she was really starstruck and fell for him. I did some LC for a week to figure out what to do. Exactly a week after our BU, I told her we couldn't be friends, and to contact me if she wanted to try and reconcile. She was tearing up, and I'm pretty sure she probably started crying after I hung up.

I had some friends tell me to open up a line of communication to show her that I still cared. I sent her flowers, etc. Anyway, turns out, a day after I went NC, the guy invited his ex over to a hot tub thing. His friend stood up for my ex and called him out on it. My ex already had a soft spot for this guy, so now she's focusing more on him.

We talked about us. I foolishly brought it up. Turns out she has a big soft soft for this new guy, but she still likes me a fair bit. She's going to stay single for a couple of months to figure things out. At first, she didn't want me to visit her because she was still figuring out her living situation (her mother's kicking her out), but then the reason changed to her not wanting me to waste money in case she decides to go with the other guy.

She's been hanging out with this new guy a lot. She said if he wasn't around, then she'd more than likely get back together with me. Hell, if I was there, then none of this would have happened. I feel like she's leaning towards him, since she's been spending much more time with him. I went NIC since then. This last Saturday, I went out to some clubs while we were texting each other. I was pretty messed up, and some chick grinded on me, and it somehow ended up in the text, though rather nonchalantly with a LOL.

Anyway, she loves the flowers I sent her. Really appreciates them and can't stop thanking me for them. As for my ex, I know she gets jealous easily, but she ignored that comment about the other girl, and she's been much more distant this past week than weeks 1 and 2.

Most threads about G.I.G.S. tell me to go NC, but at this point...would that be wishy-washy? I broke NC at first by saying something like I wanted her in my life, etc.

As for myself, my life's getting in order pretty quickly. I'm getting a job in a week or two and working my ass off. As for school, I'm just waiting for the fall semester to begin.

How do I come out of this in the best light to give myself the best chance of reconciliation? Truthfully though, I'm moving on more every day, but I know the door will never close unless I find somebody else. If I happen to be single years from now, then I'd still probably take her back and start over.

I would like to note that I also made every damn mistake possible right when we broke up. All of the pansy stuff. A few days ago when I broke NC, she didn't think I was weak. What made her like me was of how sweet I was, nice, caring, etc. She found some of my quirks like how nervous I was when we first started dating to be adorable. When I was nervous after breaking NC, she nonchalantly said there was nothing to be nervous about. We kind of rode out discussing our problems, so they're not much of an issue anymore. She knows I'm actually working on them, though she's still iffy. I'm sure it won't matter once I actually do them.

I'm not sure what other G.I.G.S. thread I saw it in, but she "idolized" me early on, which is a symptom. She has anxiety issues, and some emotional problems from her past. Thought I was perfect, etc. Basically, I started out feeling like how she feels now. As time went on, I guess our emotions traded places.

She seems rather indifferent and distant now. /Shrug How do I come out of this in a better light in her eyes?

Imo, I hate to break it to you, it's not gigs.. it's more that most LDR are doomed to fail, unless you were dating for a couple years before the move happened.

You have no jobs, you're telling us you were getting upset easily... she called it, simple. No other guy jeopardized the relationship.. she made a choice, she didn't have a knife under her throat.

Everybody thinks the new guy, new girl, is so freaking great in the beginning, you're walking on a cloud, everybody your friend, etc.. then the true colors come out and you decide if you want to stay, or not. She decided not to.

I would start the NC yes, that will help you get over the relationship faster.

I wouldn't stop working on yourself though, getting a job and going back to school is great.

July 3, 2012

Lie.

She's been pretty honest about everything, so I don't believe this is a lie. Just because I've been hanging around girls, doesn't mean I'm still not single lol.

The truth comes out. She's going to be dating this other guy. How else would she know if she'd go be with him unless she's dating him? She is most certainly not single, and she wants you out of the picture.

That's only my guess. She never stated that, and like I said, it's going to be a couple of months if it happens. The fact is that she doesn't know and hasn't really known anything for the past 3 weeks, which is why she's taking time and going slow.

Trust me. You DON'T want her in your life. You clearly love her and want to be with her. You are intentionally torturing yourself by pretending to be a "friend" while she's off dating the guy she left you for.

That doesn't answer anything at all. NC? LC? NIC?

You're not moving on at all. Moving on means not wanting them back. Do you really think this is the best you can do? A girl that leaves you for someone else? You'd really carry her torch for years when she doesn't even want to be with you?

It's still possible to move on and still leave the door open for reconciliation. Look all around this forum, and even in my personal cases. Have I honestly moved on from my past exes? A definite yes. If they were to ask me to reconcile, would I consider it? Yes, probably, and that's just how I am. I'm being honest with myself here. I've moved on, but that doesn't mean I completely shut the door in their faces.

That's because she's with someone else. You're the ex. She's GOING to drift away. You can only cling to her so hard before you realize you need to let go. And you don't do anything. Go about your life. Go NC. Move on. That's the only way.

I'm not clinging as much as you think I am. If I was, then I'd still be sending her flowers and initiating contact. Yes, I do want her back, but NC is your advice solely for moving on. I can be an *******, make myself feel better doing it, and move on, but I don't want to (I'm not saying that's what NC is). I want to know the best way to move on while leaving the door open to reconciliation. I want an honest answer to that question, please.

You have no jobs, you're telling us you were getting upset easily... she called it, simple. No other guy jeopardized the relationship.. she made a choice, she didn't have a knife under her throat.

Jobs getting fixed. Before somebody accuses me of getting a job for her again, no. I'm working for myself because it's required in life. I'm going to nip that in the bud right here. I was getting upset about other things, and she felt like I was upset at her. We already talked about that, and it hasn't even been brought up again, so it's a non-issue as far as I know.

I've been in her shoes before when I was her age. No, there was no knife under my throat, and yeah, I made a choice...a rather poor one...even worse than hers lol. I learned from it pretty quickly.

Everybody thinks the new guy, new girl, is so freaking great in the beginning, you're walking on a cloud, everybody your friend, etc.. then the true colors come out and you decide if you want to stay, or not. She decided not to.

I would start the NC yes, that will help you get over the relationship faster.

I wouldn't stop working on yourself though, getting a job and going back to school is great.

Is this your answer for solely moving on? That's not what I want. I want to know what would be the best course of action to move on while leaving the door open to reconciliation.

I want to know the best way to move on while leaving the door open to reconciliation. Again, I want an honest answer to that question please. By honest, I meant your opinions on what's best for what I want, not what you all want for me even with the best of intentions.

I know her, and if she were to lie to me, then I wouldn't have known anything about this. Refrain from accusations and just look at the situation objectively. Each case is individual, so I'm sorry if an ex lied to you in the past, but don't assume that all exes lie about everything. That's coming from somebody who lied in a past relationship lol... She told me that even though she's still deciding between the two of us, she wants me to move on. Doesn't want me to be hurt in case she doesn't choose me, etc. Doesn't want me to waste money on her. Sounds brutally honest right there, and that's what I should have done when I was in her shoes.

On an unimportant note, she never changed her current FB timeline cover photo of us. /Shrug

Edited July 3, 2012 by ZhaoZilong5

July 3, 2012

She's been pretty honest about everything, so I don't believe this is a lie. Just because I've been hanging around girls, doesn't mean I'm still not single lol.

She's not merely "hanging around him." She's seeing him on a very frequent basis, and she left you because she fell for him, and is interested in him. I'm sorry, but nothing about what she's doing is platonic.

Also, don't bank on her "honesty." A lot of people have NO COURAGE and they'll say anything to make you feel better. Believe me, my ex fed me these SAME LIES. It was all BS. To make him feel better, to make me feel better... and then after everything he said, he dropped off the earth. As yours is now doing to you by pulling the "slow fade out."

And I think it's pretty clear. To have someone NOT in your life, means NC. NONE. It means, move on. Stop holding out for reconciliation. She's playing around with this new guy! Is that what you wanna be? Second best? Waiting in the background for if/when their fling/relationship/courtship falls apart? It may never do that, and having you as a friend will on strengthen their bond. (truth).

July 3, 2012

Dude, go straight NC, why would you be someones back up option? Walk away with some dignity.

July 3, 2012

She didn't leave me because she fell for him. She left me because she was too afraid to move down here with me, and she knew I didn't want to move up there. She sat on her anxiety until her feelings for me started to fade. She left me because she fell really hard for somebody else towards the end, so she ended it with me to not be a cheater like my ex was, since she felt like her willpower was stunted around that guy. Either way, that guy's gone, but she developed a soft spot for the current guy during that time too.

If this is about pride, then no, I'm not letting my pride get in the way. So are you saying that all of those people who moved on and eventually reconciled settled for 2nd best? I don't think you're getting what I'm trying to say. If she enters a relationship with this guy, then no, I won't be waiting on the sidelines. I've been telling you that I want to move on but leave the door open for future reconciliation, not move on and leave the door shut and locked in her eyes.

In my opinion, which won't change, is that if you love somebody enough, then you'll eventually be with them. It's not a game to me about who's best, 2nd best, 3rd best, whatever. It's why I give leeway to people with G.I.G.S., because I had it before too. Your opinion makes a lot of sense if I knew you didn't believe in G.I.G.S., actually. I'm on the ship that believes some people need to grow, and to do that, they see what's new, realize that new isn't always better, and come back to work things out.

I'm going from personal experiences here, because that happened to me too. I'm not willing to let pride get in the way of something that might be good, because if I'm always afraid of getting hurt, then I would never, ever date. I believe that I have to risk getting hurt in order to find what I want in a relationship.

July 3, 2012

going no contact will be best in all aspects. if there's hope of "reconciliation", you need to go nc, because as someone said, it will help demonstrate "higher value". basically show her you're not needy or hung up on her, and are strong/independent(thus more attractive). cause of course that's unattractive. sending flowers, etc, in this case, just makes you look weak. sad as that is. if she's lost some interest in you, showing her how much you want her will have the opposite effect of what youre going for.

and, if that doesn't bring her back around, there's probably no chance of reconciliation. i almost guarantee contacting her to win her back will just assure it never happens. give her a chance to see what she lost, and if there were ever any possibility of he wanting you back, she will.

but, honestly, she doesn't sound like a girl youre gonna have a healthy relationship with. if she's this all over the place now it will only get worse. maybe if it hadn't been a long distance thing you'd have a tighter bond. like others said, nc is not to get her back, it is to get over her. but often times it is the only thing that will bring her back.

July 3, 2012

Dude, go straight NC, why would you be someones back up option? Walk away with some dignity.

<Sigh> is nobody reading? I don't want to be the back-up option. If she chooses the other guy over me, then I WILL NOT be waiting on the sidelines for her to come back to me. I keep saying that I want to move on while leaving the door open for reconciliation in the future. Yeah, I could easily tell her to go **** off, say a bunch of insults to make myself feel better, and move on that way, but I don't want to do it that way. Yeah, NC, cool, but is that the BEST way in your opinions to leave the door open in the future?

I'll say it again. I'm not going to sit around for her. I'll be dating other people. What about that is NOT wanting to move on?

going no contact will be best in all aspects. if there's hope of "reconciliation", you need to go nc, because as someone said, it will help demonstrate "higher value". basically show her you're not needy or hung up on her, and are strong/independent(thus more attractive). cause of course that's unattractive. sending flowers, etc, in this case, just makes you look weak. sad as that is. if she's lost some interest in you, showing her how much you want her will have the opposite effect of what youre going for.

and, if that doesn't bring her back around, there's probably no chance of reconciliation. i almost guarantee contacting her to win her back will just assure it never happens. give her a chance to see what she lost, and if there were ever any possibility of he wanting you back, she will.

but, honestly, she doesn't sound like a girl youre gonna have a healthy relationship with. if she's this all over the place now it will only get worse. maybe if it hadn't been a long distance thing you'd have a tighter bond. like others said, nc is not to get her back, it is to get over her. but often times it is the only thing that will bring her back.

Yeah, the flowers I'm unsure about. She was thanking me for days about them, and she's the kind of person that imo wouldn't take that as weakness. She told me that I don't look weak in her eyes. She liked those kinds of quirks though. The nervousness of the first date, etc. was adorable to her. Yeah, if there wasn't distance, then this wouldn't have been an issue.

July 3, 2012

dude, it's not about pride, it's about self-respect. it's like youre saying "she's not that crazy about me, but i can handle it, because i'm crazy about her. i'm not too proud to be with someone who finds me dispensable"... that's a wacky mindset. letting go of pride when to forgive someone's past, or something like that, is one thing. but, typically, it's letting go of self respect to chase someone who doesn't want you. unless you are SUPER badass & confident regardless, could be fine without her, and just fancy her heavily. in which case she's likely to reciprocate the attraction cause you're such a f*cking man

July 3, 2012

There is no good way to "leave the door open" for reconciliation. I suppose "I'm gonna start dating other people, but call me down the line if you feel like getting together sometime", would be the best possible thing, but it still leaves you as some sort of backburner guy. Who is undoubtedly not super desirable. And note, I'm not the black-n-white thinking type. But I've seen these principles play out multiple times, and everyone on here will tell you the same. If you're as ready as you seem to let her go should she start seeing this new guy, just go no contact. It will be a win/win. Believe me, if she really decides she wants you back, she's not gonna think "he didn't expressly say that he was open to reconciliation, i guess i won't call him". She will just get a hold of you.

July 3, 2012

<Sigh> is nobody reading? I don't want to be the back-up option. If she chooses the other guy over me, then I WILL NOT be waiting on the sidelines for her to come back to me. I keep saying that I want to move on while leaving the door open for reconciliation in the future. Yeah, I could easily tell her to go **** off, say a bunch of insults to make myself feel better, and move on that way, but I don't want to do it that way. Yeah, NC, cool, but is that the BEST way in your opinions to leave the door open in the future?

I'll say it again. I'm not going to sit around for her. I'll be dating other people. What about that is NOT wanting to move on?

We are reading. And you're contradicting yourself in everything you say.

You say if she's seeing this other guy, you won't be waiting on the sidelines for her to come back...

And in the next breath you're saying that if she were to come back to you, you'd welcome her back no questions asked.

So which is it? The fact that you can see yourself just taking her back months, years, down the line, is showing that you are NOT fully moving on. You are merely biding your time, and keeping yourself busy by dating other people, but if she came back, you'd go back. So that in and of itself shows that you don't feel you'll ever have what you had with her, with anyone else.

Dating others isn't moving on. Especially if you would just go back to her, that's not fair to whoever it is you DO date. You're not fully in it.

And I just have to disagree that if you "love someone enough, you will be with them."

No. Love isn't enough. There is much more that goes into a successful relationship. I loved my ex more than anything in this world and it meant nothing. Life isn't so black and white, nor is it an easy ride. At 20, she just wants to figure out who she is, figure out what she wants in a partner.

The chances of her running back to you, are frankly, slim.

Also, if she loved you just one fraction of how much you're showing you love her, the distance wouldn't have come between you two. She would have put forth the effort, she would have done something to make it work. That didn't happen. She just detached, and detached and detached, fell for another guy, and dumped you.

That's what girls do, and since I'm a girl, I can attest to this. Before we leave a current relationship we're in, we look to see if we have other options and other choices. Once we know we do, we let the old relationship go.

July 3, 2012

<Sigh> is nobody reading? I don't want to be the back-up option. If she chooses the other guy over me, then I WILL NOT be waiting on the sidelines for her to come back to me.

Well, in fact, she chose the possibility of the other guy over you. Doesn't that make you question your value to her even more?

July 3, 2012

Thats just the thing: You can't leave the door open. You can't say im moving on, but if you ever want to come back i will be waiting for you.

Two of the things that repel women the most are insecurity and needines. Now matter how smooth or subtle you phrase it, it will reek of both insecurity and needines.

Say something like: "Hi [name] im sorry things didn't work out between us. I think you are a fantastic woman/girl, but this is probably for the best. Im happy you found someone else, and im sure hes a great guy"

By doing this, you disply high value and attractive traits like confidence, security and maturity. I realize by doing this, you "close" the door, but its all a matter of reverse psychology. Maybe she will end up marrying the guy. but at least you maintained your self-respect. Besides, if you keep the "door open", no matter how much you think you are moving on, it will always be at the back of your head.

July 3, 2012

Say something like: "Hi [name] im sorry things didn't work out between us. I think you are a fantastic woman/girl, but this is probably for the best. Im happy you found someone else, and im sure hes a great guy"

By doing this, you disply high value and attractive traits like confidence, security and maturity. I realize by doing this, you "close" the door, but its all a matter of reverse psychology. Maybe she will end up marrying the guy. but at least you maintained your self-respect. Besides, if you keep the "door open", no matter how much you think you are moving on, it will always be at the back of your head.

LOL WHAT? Yea its ok you left me for another guy. Please use me as a doormat in the future when that doesnt work out so you can do it again because there were no consequences for your actions and she knows what you are thinking

You have 2 options...

1) Say nothing

2) Error on the side of @sshole

July 4, 2012

That's not a case of G.I.G.S, that's a big fat case of "love is blind" followed by "tell me what I want to hear, not what I need to hear".

July 4, 2012

Over-analyzing and diagnosing this girl like she is a car is not going to end well for you. As much as I'm sure you don't want to hear this, she is trying to let you down softly. Ignoring her at this level of attraction (something south of 50%) is a convenience for her more than anything. It won't pull her back in. Sending flowers, candy, texting her night and day, or any other gesture of that nature does, in fact, make you appear weak and needy in her eyes. Her calling your nervousness adorable and telling you that she doesn't see you as a weak person is utterly ridiculous. Sorry, friend, she's just being nice. It seems as if she sees you as a boy and as a friend, but not as boyfriend material.

If you want to make this as painless as possible, you need to go NC - not with the intention of it magically sparking her interest in you again, but to give yourself a chance to realize that there are other girls out there who are more deserving of your time and energy. If you continue to bury your head in the sand and disagree with the advice in this thread, you will know true agony by the time you realize that this is never going to go the way that you want it to go.

July 4, 2012

<Sigh> is nobody reading? I don't want to be the back-up option. If she chooses the other guy over me, then I WILL NOT be waiting on the sidelines for her to come back to me. I keep saying that I want to move on while leaving the door open for reconciliation in the future. Yeah, I could easily tell her to go **** off, say a bunch of insults to make myself feel better, and move on that way, but I don't want to do it that way. Yeah, NC, cool, but is that the BEST way in your opinions to leave the door open in the future?

I'll say it again. I'm not going to sit around for her. I'll be dating other people. What about that is NOT wanting to move on?

Well, buddy from the way I see it, the thing is, you haven't moved on if you keep the door open. Moving on is about seeing the whole picture and making it an option to accept her back, IF she comes back (which isn't likely... ) .

July 4, 2012

NC it is.

Anyway, I can tell you all 100%, for a fact, that I'm completely over all of my past exes. Would I reconcile with any of them again? Yes, I wouldn't mind starting over again with about 4 or 5 of them. Are there a few that I outright shut and locked the door out of anger? Yep.

Believe me, just because I *would* date some of them again doesn't mean I'm not over them. Nobody's going to believe me, but whatever; I know what I know. My exes are still human to me, and I consider them to be incompatible at those points in time. I don't think they're malicious or anything except for two of the ones that I don't want to ever reconcile with lol.

By leaving doors open, I meant I don't want to burn any bridges. Is it a wise idea to burn bridges when leaving a job? In my opinion, never. Of course love isn't the only thing needed in a relationship, but it's what brings people back. That's what I meant.

Also, dating in my opinion is moving on. What would I do otherwise? Not date and dote on an ex forever? I will date again regardless of what anybody says. I'm not so jaded as to stay single forever.

And no, some of you still haven't been reading. She's still single. If she does enter a relationship with the other guy, then I'm done. Don't we all do this? We chase or be chased until somebody enters a relationship, then we back off if he/she isn't in one with us. That's what I mean. Can you all honestly say that you've never once been interested in multiple dating prospects while single. I'm going to be honest and say yes, I have been. I made my choice and stuck with it, and the ones who weren't "chosen" moved on to different people.

Edited July 4, 2012 by ZhaoZilong5

July 4, 2012

I understand what you're saying, and it's very diplomatic of you to keep that attitude. However, it's not the sort of thing that will bring a girl with waning or marginal interest back to you. If she knows that you'll always be there to accept her if she chooses to come to you, there's no fear of loss on her end, and thus absolutely no reason for her to come back to you.

Even if you maintain that you will keep this door open, she does not need to be made aware of that. In her eyes, you should be moving on and not letting this bother you. When she sees that she will either:

A) Be stricken with feelings of attraction and wondering why you are doing so well without her. She may be confused as to why it's not bothering you and jealous of whoever may have replaced her in your life.

B) Be happy for you and continue moving on whatever path she has chosen. If this is the case, her interest level and attraction for you weren't high enough for her to pursue you again. No big deal, you know other girls, so that's your queue to start looking seriously at other options.

July 4, 2012

All right, this is the wrong sub-forum, but since it's related to my thread, I'll just ask here.

Where would I go to find girls that I like? They seem to be very rare.

I used to be a hardcore gamer and huge nerd. I'm 23 now and have grown out of many things that I never thought I would. I still have an affinity for geeky things, but not as much as I used to. I'm basically looking for a physically attractive, slightly geeky girl. Sexual attractiveness to me is important, but so is health. I don't want to date a fat slob who can't take care of herself. Call me shallow, but if I take the time to take care of my body, then I want somebody else who will do the same. I don't want somebody super nerdy or super geeky to the point of annoying me either.

My best friend is a personal trainer who owns a gym, and he has mutual friends working under him. The girls there are physically fit of course, but they are all very vain, shallow, and unintelligent. Yeah, that may seem high and mighty coming from me, but there is some serious stupidity in thinking we test our nukes on the Pentagon's walls.

School was never really a...great place for me to meet girls. Girls generally don't take engineering/math/tech courses. The ones I meet who do take those courses have 0 interest in dating. They are very career-driven and focused on school and studying.

I hate going to bars and clubs. I hate drinking. Yeah, I can easily pick up girls there...girls with no substance. Getting laid is not my goal.

Come to think of it, I've met all of my past exes through my social circles. Almost all of my friends have grown more into the bar/clubbing scene, working in bars, partying almost every night, whatever. It's something that happens when you go to university I guess. With that said, the girls now in my social circles consist entirely of girls that I will never have any romantic interest in.

My ex was a soccer player, pretty, obviously physically fit and healthy, intelligent, liked to write, was a little geeky, liked me for me at the time, nice, sexually attracted to me, wasn't greedy (never had a problem paying for some of my things), etc.

I'm basically having this problem where the girls I meet are incompatible with me from the get-go, and if I do happen to meet one that has a chance of being compatible, she's wholly uninterested.

My friends average my physical appearance at an 8. My best friend owns a gym and personally trains me. People considered me a child prodigy, very smart, blah blah. It's something all of my exes liked about me, so I'll just go with it. I never had a confidence issue, because I never actively looked for a SO. They just came to me because well...I was confident because I never cared I guess. I'm in a "don't give a ****" mood now, so I'll approach girls whenever. I'm rusty on my PUA/DJ techniques. They actually work very well...on the girls that I *don't* like LOL. I basically did I.T. work. I'm tech/math/science-oriented. I appreciate art and music, but I pretty much know nothing about them. I don't really listen to music, and I have 0 knowledge when it comes to art. Creativity is a big weakness for me. I can code very well when it comes to web designing, but it's not going to look amazing. Hey, at least it'll work flawlessly!

So...wait 9 months for the next anime convention. My best friend told me that when he was dragged to one by a mutual friend of ours, there were some hot, geeky girls. Game stores are a no-go. The girls going there look like they don't give a crap about their health and hygiene. I guess I'll try a book store. Library's kinda dead. People definitely do not want to socialize there. I live in a rich town that pretty much has nothing to do except for drinking.

Edit: Lol this thread doesn't bode well for me. Apparently, the girls that I'm interested in are super rare. How the hell is that supposed to help me move on when people are telling me these fish are practically non-existant?

Edited July 4, 2012 by ZhaoZilong5

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Ex-GF has G.I.G.S. How badly did I mess up my chances for reconcilation?

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