CeCe3 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Alright. I signed up for this loveshack.org specifically for this! And believe me, it's a really typical question....thanks for taking the time to read it and respond, I appreciate it! So I just moved to the state/town Im currently in - I'm busy with grad school and was not planning or expecting to meet someone I liked right off the bat, none the less within the first 2 weeks of being here! Alas, I did - at the same time that I found a job which I also wasn't expecting so soon. So, he works for the same small business I do. Although, important fact, he doesn't work at the same site. We're both part time there. Whatever. He's 30 and I'm (almost - very soon) 27. I liked him off the bat and was interested in him then after some work-times with him at the start a couple months ago led me to getting to know him a bit more. We totally clicked and had a nice time together. Also off the bat I sensed he was a bit nervous around me - meaning he's a little shy- but as we got to know each other a bit that loosened up. I suggested one time that we hang out sometime and he was like yeah definitely! So somehow, with my initial pursuit - we made a date and hung out in our downtown area. After date one I said, let me know when you want to do something again! So as to put it on him. He caught on to that and outright said " I see your putting it on me so I'm going end that game right here and ask you out." so he made plans with me for 2 nights later, from our 1st date. He said he wasn't good at this (being the dating thing I guess) and I gave him good positive feedback saying "that was great!" and accepted the invitation. Date 2 went really well, things got more personal but we kept it fairly light as far as not talking about past relationships or our future- honestly I just wanted to get to know him and didn't feel compelled or rushed to do so. He walked me home (a mile and a half) and asked me , so old school like, if id give him a small kiss. it was kind of a funny situation because it was unexpected....but ultimately i did. after he apologized for the akward ending but I told him it was totally fine and i was sorry for laughing (yeah i laughed....) that i was just surprised and have a immature spots. A little about him: We are kind to each other and I liked that. He's got some religious stuff going on, he is catholic (by choice) yet not super strict..and a little rough around the edges as far as family history and stuff but also really family oriented and loved and appreciated by the community he is in. So he works for his brother doing Mixed martial arts stuff at a center his brother owns. Its sweet. Teaches kids. Alas, he doesn't have his own career underway but I totally don't blame him or really need him to be rock solid in that department. So in-between date 2 and 3 - was 14 days. I started to sense a pull back but wasn't chasing him. So I brought up the topic - b/c i was unsure - of if we should keep going in this dating direction or maybe U-turn it. In some ways I was giving him an out.....because at the time we sometimes worked together or whatever his reason could possibly be. He said he was wondering the same thing. He said he enjoyed the nights we had but is hesitant to jump into a traditional relationship because experience in the last few years of moving too quickly and ending up in a "high speed wreck" . I totally if he felt ill prepared for a potential relationship zone i could totally respect that, but I just value truth and honesty. He said that he tries to keep his expectations reasonable and not get carried away and also wants to be fair to the other persons expectations. and that he would always be honest with me. I took in what he said and agreed that expectations are definitely sometimes an issue and that I think clear communication is a good way to keep those in check. He said that he does feel ill prepared for a what a potential relationship could bring and desperately doesn't want to lose the friendship we are just building. He says he seeks friendship and in time decisions are made and right action can be taking (it got A LITTLE preachy, but he's cute so it was okay). He also threw in there that he is not apposed to a relationship either. The take home was when he said I think we just need to be "patient, prudent, and honest." I was psyched with his response. Since I really want to take things slow as well and wasn't ready to jump into a relationship with him anyway -this was perfect for me. and I agreed and gave him appreciation for his words. I said that i hoped we'd hang out still...that we would. He said he'd love to hang out with me anytime i want, he likes being around me ...blabla I then told him that on the topic of expectations , I will expect him to initiate plans with me. He said he understands its a two way street and this isn't a pity pass for me to hang out with him when I'm bored. Then he went on to say that we should go see some sunsets (in our beautiful location..) and that he was thinking we should hang out soon. It almost felt like - woah! alrighty then.... Anyway, that week - soon never came, he texted me to say hi once but never initiated those plans! Ultimately, ugh, I think it was me that did the initiating. I texted him cuz I heard he called out of work and wanted to see if he was ok (yeah it was an excuse) he said that he was. and then he started to ask me about my work schedule and asked me to look at his. He seemed like completely beating around the bush and not just asking me out! So finally i just did it - asked him if he wanted to catch the sunset on a certain day and he was down for it. This was a friday and i asked him for sunday Also, I am fairly certain he's not dating any other girls and pretty much know he only has Sat night free as he works early sat AM. That sunday came and it was fathers day. Apparently he didn't realize it - he apologized profusely and rescheduled with me for the next day, Monday - so that was okay. It was a legitimate slip and excuse. So on that monday, our 3rd date - Damn, this is long huh?!?! we talked and walked up to my house. We actually talked about universal stuff and god which was though provoking. It was fun. We got to my house and had wine and layer in my lawn under the stars. He rested his head on my back and i layer on my stomach leaning up. It was a nice connection and we chatted.... I brought up the whole initiating thing and he seemed to find humor in that I felt so insecure making plans with him. He told me it was fine for me to do. He explained he's a simple guy, or something. He also talked about how he feels like he doesn't have a lot to offer right now (which i think has to do with the lack of solid career foundation) HE brought up the word relationship like 4 times and said it had been a while since he's been in one and blabla...he seemed to think that our hanging out so comfortably meant i was going to demand a relationship from him. I told him that I was happy just getting to know him in that moment. ITS TRUE. thats how I felt. and I want to take it slow! It was a bit perplexing to me...looking back I could have inserted that I'd like to potentially grow into a relationship ... when there was a moment of silence, he told me that I need to ilke guide him in the direction this is going..... it was sweet.... but it was also kinda the opposite what I was imagining I wanted....because I thought he should be guiding me- like perusing me. I don't want to grab him by the wrists and guide him the way I want this to go. He told me to be open with him. but backed it up with "well you are open." Anyway, I thought i was giving him nothing but green lights since the day we met - while keeping my boundaries simultaneously. We then went night swimming in a pool and it was fun and flirty. We kissed a couple times and after the pool shared a shivery/warm hug. It was a nice taste of what it would be like to be together - the whole night was. and it was great. Upon leaving he kissed me bye and through in a little tongue. Im super attracted to him but really feel the need to not jump his bones and also feel him restringing in that department too. As he said before taking it slow is "only the right thing to do" I agreed. ANYWAY. boom. great time. Later that week I heard from him fri and sat night he sent nice messages and one night wished we could hang out (but we both couldn't) and then he invited me a second time to go with him and his little sister to a water park on a sunday. I couldn't go though because I had homework to do which involved an appointment with someone. Told him i had plans and he asked what they were. Anyway....so that conversation ended . He actually sorta left it open-ended never responding to what I said my plans were. Which was like -ok? Then a couple days later after the sunday we did not hang out. I sent him a "hi hope ur having a good start to the week" message...which i'd never done...but felt okay, ill try it. He didn't reply untill the next day and said "Hey you! I am just now seeing this message. Very sweet message from you! Thank You. ---- and he went on to ask me how my activities were on sunday which he hadn't previously replied to.... aaand I asked about the water park activity. Oh, when he texted me back, the next day - i responded to him like 8 hours later - so it was kinda on the late side. He said it was fun but he got burned and then i asked him a question regarding the weather - if he could smell the wildfire smoke, speaking of being burned. He never wrote back to that question. Straight up didn't reply to it.... This was Tuesday. Now its the next Monday. and guess what? I've not heard from him once since. He very well could of fallen asleep on my last text but could of said something in the AM. Unfortunatly Im also his friend on good ol' Facebook. When we first started talking and dates 1-2 happened and a little bit around date 3 he posted some songs and stuff on my wall to share with me and get my feedback. Sweet songs. I posted one thing on his wall once- as to not piss on his wall so to speak. So he kinda came on heavy with the electronic pursuit. We DO communicate a lot via text which actually i don't mind especially with how slow things are going. And the fact that we are able to talk verbally to each other well. Anyway. I've not said a single thing to him and I know he's alive and well. Ive got a lot going on and am going out of town (thank god) through july 4th- through the weekend. and THEN its my birthday, next monday. So I feel like.....whats going on? Is he pulling away because he just can't go on? What happened to honesty? am I not being open? He should say happy birthday to me right? I feell ike im def going to wait untill I'm back in town to say anything (assuming the silence continues) but then, do I ever ask? we won't work together again necessarily since his position changed but......im like, really????? Sucks! HELP
curlygirl40 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 O.K, so I just finished War and Peace so I had time to read your post. Teasing. Anyway, it really boils down to this. He has made it clear that he does not want a relationship. His words and his actions show this. When someone says this to you, or acts the way he is acting, you need to believe it. It might be because he doesn't want a relationship right now, or because he doesn't want a relationship right now WITH YOU. Think about it, the results are the same, it doesn't really matter why. There is a HUGE difference between starting a relationship slowly, and hanging out with someone who has put you on notice that they are not looking/ready for a relationship. This will not build into anything. If you think you're going to keep hanging out with him and eventually he will want a relationship and see that you're right by his side still so therefore he will choose you, you couldn't be more wrong. He has put you on notice that he doesn't want to pursue anything with you, but you're still willing to hang out with him, go out with him, kiss him, etc. so therefore he's going to take what he can get from you, and leave you wanting more. He can't give you more. When he says 'I have nothing to offer you', he's not talking financially. He means emotionally. I would stop rowing and see if the boat still moves. If he likes you, he will initiate contact and dates with you. He will call you. He will want to see you. He will not go days or weeks without contact. IMO men are much better at living in the moment. The moments you have together are real. Watching sunsets, swimming in the pool, kisses at the end of the evening. Those moments are real. For us women, we read into those moments and think we really have something. Men just enjoy the moment and think 'that was fun', they don't necessarily mean that he likes you the same way you like him. So don't spend all of this emotional energy reading between the lines. Women spend too much time looking at the little signs of a guys interest and ignore the fact that the big signs are missing. Best of luck
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