day-dreaming Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I recognize that posting this I may very well get slammed and hear some cold hard truth. Let me preface this with saying—that I do know I am in the wrong and making poor decisions and perhaps making things even worse than they should be. I ended things with my live-in LTR boyfriend a while back. I really love him, but I am not in love with him and just not ready to be that serious with anyone. Anyway, he has been a doormat and really kept around for us to be friends. Sure, I have been selfish and okay with this arrangement because it is nice to have his friendship or the occasional hookup. However, I am afraid he thinks we’re back together or will be and I guess I don’t blame him for that based on my actions or perceived actions. I have seen other people since I moved out and am concurrently seeing another man right now. There has been no discussion of exclusivity with this new man. We have discussed that we don’t do sex with someone who isn’t being sexually exclusive with us—no other mentions of exclusivity have been made. Anyway, I have been going on my merry way seeing both men. I don’t know how to get my ex out of my life. I don’t feel strong enough to do it. I claim that I am a bleeding heart and just don’t want to hurt him yet sure I know deep down if he found out I was actually out dating that would hurt him even more. I realize I am being selfish and keeping him around on the backburner. I am one of those people that you all come on here to complain about. I am the girl who sends mixed signals. My question to you—how do I get out of this? I can’t fathom coming clean with everything—but I can’t picture not having him in my life… I don’t know how to get out of this mess I have begun. He deserves someone who treats him better than I have been recently.
motive2002 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Make one cut, and make it deep. It will hurt like hell all the way around, but healing has to start from somewhere. 3
WeAllMightBeNuts Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 You already know what to do. You're just a f@#$ing coward. Never said this before, but continue your current path, I wish you the worst and have no empathy nor mercy for you.
Author day-dreaming Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Make one cut, and make it deep. It will hurt like hell all the way around, but healing has to start from somewhere. The words just don't come out when I try. I feel like I am now cheating on two different men by keeping the ex around and having this new guy. I feel as if I am starting a double life and truly hate the person I have become. I know I am being selfish and I am scared to leave him. I don't know if I should tell him the whole truth-- it might scare him away forever-- but perhaps he deserves it.
Author day-dreaming Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 You already know what to do. You're just a f@#$ing coward. Never said this before, but continue your current path, I wish you the worst and have no empathy nor mercy for you. Comments like that are the reason I made a new account to post. I don't understand why people have to be so extremely rude on here. I realize what I am doing. We all make mistakes in this life-- and I want to change my path before it blows up and hurts everyone involved anymore than it already is going to. I am not here to seek empathy or compassion, but no need for you to be so rude.
WeAllMightBeNuts Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 The words just don't come out when I try. I feel like I am now cheating on two different men by keeping the ex around and having this new guy. I feel as if I am starting a double life and truly hate the person I have become. I know I am being selfish and I am scared to leave him. I don't know if I should tell him the whole truth-- it might scare him away forever-- but perhaps he deserves it. There is no "feel" to it. You are cheating on two men at once. You are living a double life. You are a horrible person and a coward. Only redeeming thing I have read is that you hate yourself, which you should. You already know what to do and no-one here can or should convince you to do it. To be a better person you have to do it on your own volition. My opinion is go away and do it. Or just go away and continue hating yourself.
Author day-dreaming Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 There is no "feel" to it. You are cheating on two men at once. You are living a double life. You are a horrible person and a coward. Only redeeming thing I have read is that you hate yourself, which you should. You already know what to do and no-one here can or should convince you to do it. To be a better person you have to do it on your own volition. My opinion is go away and do it. Or just go away and continue hating yourself. It is very easy to sit behind a computer screen and spew away harsh words to a stranger, however I urge you to watch what you say and think about it. I can imagine a lot of people who come here with their problems are not emotionally stable and saying such rude things to a person in that state can often do more harm than good. I have no expectations of exclusivity with either of them. The topic of multi-dating could be brought up but the fact that one is an ex certainly changes the dynamics. Also, I absolutely don't hate myself. I am more than my actions of the past few months. I am on this forum to figure out the best path out or even to hear from guys or girls who were either in my shoes or on the other side of it to best assess my situation. I am not here for you to tell me to "go to hell" in so many words. I truly wish you would think about what you write.
motive2002 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 While I don't condone your actions, I won't be the one to throw the proverbial stone. I've been no saint so I won't judge. You know it's wrong. I know it's wrong. Making a swift cut may ultimately be the only choice. If you really have respect for the bf, you'd tell him you've been seeing someone else. Lying about it will only put the both of you in worse positions. He won't understand why you've gone, and try to pursue a reconciliation. You'll be trying to still hide the other guy.. If the bf knows about the other guy it will crush him absolutely, but also lessen the chance of him trying to "hang on". When you break up with someone, you had better prepare yourself for the possibility of NEVER hearing from them again. It's just the way it works. Most of us here that have been dumped, follow a strict NC rule, or No Contact, if you're not already familiar. I guess to make this wordy post short, the way I see it you've got to make a choice, you've got to do it fast, and you have to do so honestly. 1
WeAllMightBeNuts Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 The words just don't come out when I try. I feel like I am now cheating on two different men by keeping the ex around and having this new guy. I feel as if I am starting a double life and truly hate the person I have become. I know I am being selfish and I am scared to leave him. I don't know if I should tell him the whole truth-- it might scare him away forever-- but perhaps he deserves it. Those are your words, right? What do you want? People to be nice to you about the horrible situation that you are responsible for? Magical words to make it all be alright? The right thing to say that won't hurt the guys and you be ok in their eyes? I've got it! I've got just the right words! The things to say and do that will not only let you break up with your long term boyfriend, stay friends with him, pursue the relationship with the new guy you've been cheating with, (yep, cheating, make you look ok to your friends, their friends, and family. Wait....no I don't....'cause they do not exist nor will they ever. I will take your recommendation into consideration to be not-so-harsh at times. You hit sour note with me I suppose 'cause you are looking for a way out of what you have done and the downfall/responsibiltiy associated with it. Your words are you are "selfish." You're "okay with this arrangement because it is nice to have his friendship or the occasional hookup." You claim you don't want to hurt him yet your actions are the exact opposite of this. If you don't want to hurt someone, you don't. Fact is you don't care about him but want to believe you do so you don't have to deal with that you have been a bad person. And "You can't fathom coming clean with everything" 'cause that would be admitting the truth. The truth that you are being a bad person. That's my unprofessional opinion. Don't like it (I know you don't) then please seek a licensed professional in the psychiatric field in your area. They should be able to help you.
todreaminblue Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 It is very easy to sit behind a computer screen and spew away harsh words to a stranger, however I urge you to watch what you say and think about it. I can imagine a lot of people who come here with their problems are not emotionally stable and saying such rude things to a person in that state can often do more harm than good. I have no expectations of exclusivity with either of them. The topic of multi-dating could be brought up but the fact that one is an ex certainly changes the dynamics. Also, I absolutely don't hate myself. I am more than my actions of the past few months. I am on this forum to figure out the best path out or even to hear from guys or girls who were either in my shoes or on the other side of it to best assess my situation. I am not here for you to tell me to "go to hell" in so many words. I truly wish you would think about what you write. I have to quote you....."I may very well get slammed and hear some cold hard truth"....now you can take it on the chin.....you can use the advice that someone offers or discard it......it is easy to sit and be objective because the people replying did not put themselves in your situation nor did they put you in your situation...you are the one who did it....you mentioned emotionally unstable people who come on here wont be able to take it..... brutal therapy and cold hard facts about themselves are often used with emotionally unstable people in a way for them to get better ....that is fact...a poster replied to you" to make one cut and make it deep"....it is the best solution for everyone including you however brutal it may feel to you...it allows the people in your life to get on with theirs and for you to move on with yours.....good luck.....deb
RR1 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Please do the decent thing and tell him. He'll only end up hating you if you carry on deceiving him and he finds out. At least if you come clean he can walk away and start to get over it, the longer you deceive him the harder it will be for him to get over it. If you rally do love him as you say then you owe him nothing less. I agree about the harsh comments, not really necessary IMO, but if it does force you to own up and tell him then it's probably for the best in the long run. Do the right thing and tell him because then he can walk away and get on with his life. Time is a healer but only if he is allowed to walk away and start the healing process. 1
6ft180natl Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I recognize that posting this I may very well get slammed and hear some cold hard truth. Let me preface this with saying—that I do know I am in the wrong and making poor decisions and perhaps making things even worse than they should be. I ended things with my live-in LTR boyfriend a while back. I really love him, but I am not in love with him and just not ready to be that serious with anyone. Anyway, he has been a doormat and really kept around for us to be friends. Sure, I have been selfish and okay with this arrangement because it is nice to have his friendship or the occasional hookup. However, I am afraid he thinks we’re back together or will be and I guess I don’t blame him for that based on my actions or perceived actions. I have seen other people since I moved out and am concurrently seeing another man right now. There has been no discussion of exclusivity with this new man. We have discussed that we don’t do sex with someone who isn’t being sexually exclusive with us—no other mentions of exclusivity have been made. Anyway, I have been going on my merry way seeing both men. I don’t know how to get my ex out of my life. I don’t feel strong enough to do it. I claim that I am a bleeding heart and just don’t want to hurt him yet sure I know deep down if he found out I was actually out dating that would hurt him even more. I realize I am being selfish and keeping him around on the backburner. I am one of those people that you all come on here to complain about. I am the girl who sends mixed signals. My question to you—how do I get out of this? I can’t fathom coming clean with everything—but I can’t picture not having him in my life… I don’t know how to get out of this mess I have begun. He deserves someone who treats him better than I have been recently. You already know what the right thing to do is and you already know that what you have been doing is wrong. Either way your ex will eventually find out so do you want it to be the right way by you being honest with him. Or do you want him to find out in some other way later after things have gone further and you have done even more to make what you are doing more painful for him, like after you have had sex with the new guy. Just tell your ex that you think that you should both be out dating other people and that should be a big enough clue to him that you already are if you can't do the best thing and be completely honest with him. 1
Author day-dreaming Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Thank you everyone. I really am a bleeding heart in many ways so this does eat me up. I don't want to hurt the ex but I realize the potential to hurt him by hiding things is sooo much greater than being honest with him now. I will woman-up and be honest with him later this week (when I see him). Question-- if I want to start things off on the right foot with the new guy do I be totally honest and mention the ex still around? He does know the ex and I are friends...
betterdeal Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 If you want to give your new relationship the best chance, finish your old one by no longer relating with your former lover. I don't believe you need to tell your new man about the old one being around, but you do need to close the doors to outsiders, and your ex is an outsider now. You don't need to tell your ex why you're shutting the door: you can say you can't do this any more. The key thing is, close the door, severe the tie, free your ex from his false hope, and give you and your new relationship a more stable foundation.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I really love him, but I am not in love with him I always laugh at this line. Then again, your profile states that you live in the Mushroom Kingdom...perhaps that explains everything
Author day-dreaming Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 I always laugh at this line. Then again, your profile states that you live in the Mushroom Kingdom...perhaps that explains everything I debated whether to put that-- it isn't what you think it is. It's where Mario/Luigi live. I don't do drugs and never have. Thanks. :-)
Imajerk17 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) I recognize that posting this I may very well get slammed and hear some cold hard truth. Let me preface this with saying—that I do know I am in the wrong and making poor decisions and perhaps making things even worse than they should be. I ended things with my live-in LTR boyfriend a while back. I really love him, but I am not in love with him and just not ready to be that serious with anyone. Anyway, he has been a doormat and really kept around for us to be friends. Sure, I have been selfish and okay with this arrangement because it is nice to have his friendship or the occasional hookup. However, I am afraid he thinks we’re back together or will be and I guess I don’t blame him for that based on my actions or perceived actions. I have seen other people since I moved out and am concurrently seeing another man right now. There has been no discussion of exclusivity with this new man. We have discussed that we don’t do sex with someone who isn’t being sexually exclusive with us—no other mentions of exclusivity have been made. Anyway, I have been going on my merry way seeing both men. I don’t know how to get my ex out of my life. I don’t feel strong enough to do it. I claim that I am a bleeding heart and just don’t want to hurt him yet sure I know deep down if he found out I was actually out dating that would hurt him even more. I realize I am being selfish and keeping him around on the backburner. I am one of those people that you all come on here to complain about. I am the girl who sends mixed signals. My question to you—how do I get out of this? I can’t fathom coming clean with everything—but I can’t picture not having him in my life… I don’t know how to get out of this mess I have begun. He deserves someone who treats him better than I have been recently. Email your ex-boyfriend explaining the situation. The point of your email: Staying friends isn't good for either of you right now, you're moving on and dating other people, he is a great guy and he ought to do the same. Offer to talk to him on the phone if he wants to. Some say that writing is a cowardly out, but it's easier to say what you need to say. You are also giving your ex space to process the news. And you are offering him a chance to talk. Being friends right after you break up with someone is typically a bad idea, and so is dating someone else so soon, the situation you are in illustrates why. Edited July 3, 2012 by Imajerk17
serial muse Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) I agree with Imajerk that if you can't bring yourself to say the words out loud, then emailing is better than nothing. I know it's easy to say "just do it" - but that is really what has to happen. The question I'd ask you is this: What is it that is really stopping you from turning your thoughts - what you know to be right - into action? You seem very aware that this behavior is selfish, and that it would hurt your ex more in the end to find out you've been deceiving him. You feel it deeply enough to dislike what it says about you. You've done most of the necessary processing in your head. Are you really so afraid that you'll lose him (the ex) if you do this? Because you can't lose something you don't have. You've already made the most difficult decision - to end the relationship in the first place. Generally, when the dumper says s/he still wants to be friends (with or without benefits), it has a lot to do with damage control/spin control - in other words, not wanting the ex to hate you. But you don't actually get to control that. In fact, it's manipulative to think you can or should. If you really want the ex to feel respect for you in the end, the only thing you can do is behave in a way that you won't reproach yourself with, and hope that the ex will ultimately respect that too. And you're not doing that right now - in fact, what you're doing is actually counter to what you really want - for the ex not to hate you. You're prolonging the inevitable and digging a deeper hole, and making it more difficult in the long run for there to be peace between you. Just rip the bandaid off. Edited July 3, 2012 by serial muse
Joaquin Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 You feel it's wrong but you do it anyway. My guess is that you haven't experienced the hurt caused by someone else's lies and deceit. Let me tell you, it's awful. It is stomach wrenching. And it takes a lot to get over it. Some people never get over another persons betrayal. You shouldn't treat people the way you are because it really really hurts them and that's no way to be carrying on. Just do the right thing straight away and don't keep being a selfish c### about it.
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