Celtica Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I need advice or a perspective. I had met a guy abroad 2 years ago. It was a blissful 2 months that we spent together, and though it was short, those memories echoed through our emails up until today (I'll try to keep this short for your sake). There is one problem. We had not seen each other since those 2 months, and I have physically changed, and not in a good way. No, I did start a habit of eating Macburgers. The problem is this: 6 months into my time abroad and 4 months after we had to go separate ways, I had a procedure done through a local hair salon/cosmetic spa promotion. It was an excellent hair deal for a backpacker and the cosmetic procedure was part of the deal. Well, the spa's procedure was some sort of radio frequency device that ended up melting the fat from my hips and from my face (I had beautiful, baby fat cheeks and no, they did not explain this). Not once in my life did I ever plan on getting something like this done and as a result was completely naive to the idea that these procedures even existed (I thought spas were for helping the skin!). In a matter of 2 hours, I aged about 5-7 years and I look like a completely different person than when he saw me last. Physical attraction is important in the chemistry of two people, and therefore, I am deathly afraid to see him again. I'm afraid he will reject me or become disgusted by me (he is a couple years younger than me, mind you) or even be more handsome than me (which wasn't the case before). I used to have an hourglass figure and a cheery face. Now, without the fat, I look severe. Not only did this procedure change my face, it caused a major hormone disorder by robbing me of my estrogen storage, with which I experienced symptoms of fatigue, disorientation, loss of libido, and more. I was at the peak of my life when I met him, and my career path and education was on the road to glory. Now, because I had to take a year to recover I have to start from square one. Of course, I feel comfortable saying this all to you, and I don't think I have the guts to tell him this is why I haven't been responding to his last email and that this is what I've been dealing with the past year. The main issue for me is the body and face. I still have a few curves, but they are not as exaggerated as they once were (I used to have the body of a 50s pin up model) and my face is bony. Guys (and girls, if you want), what is your perspective? Any advice? Thanks!
drivingmyselfcrazy Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Hey girl, If he likes you then well... he likes all of you! That is all there is to it... I would suggest to let him know without deciding to meet with him again and surprising him? (which he may or may not like) Not meaning to sound harsh here. Talk to him about it, what's the worst that could happen? Honestly? If he's an ass about it then he obviously isn't good enough for you then he's a lowlife/shallow prick. Hope this helps!!!!!
Author Celtica Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Thanks for the reply Hah, funny I think we actually commented on each other's threads at the same time... I think you're right about that, I should let him know, though I want to tell him in a gentle, easy way, and I'm not too sure how to do that. It had been several months since we spoke, and finally he couldn't stand it any longer and wrote me a beautiful email. The thing is, it's a rejection no matter what because if I did tell him or he saw a picture of me and he was no longer attracted, what would happen then? How would he handle it? I would say physical rejection is the ultimate rejection. I just wonder if I should cut all things off to prevent myself from getting into a deep depression due to a potential rejection.
Author Celtica Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Maybe I'll just get a fat transfer to get back to my original body. And a fat transfer to the face... But then there's the risk of making it worst... Why are there so few people who comment on the Long Distance forum!!!! I need a guy's thoughts......... Body wise, and chubby cheeks wise, I was a leaner Nigella Lawson, if you can imagine..........
Alban Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Well if he love's you then it's really not a problem how you look it's more like why did you do that without saying it BEFORE you have done that, I don't know about him but for the girl I love it doesn't matter how she looks like I just want her to be sincere with me. And you should'nt do that transer, it's to risky let it as it is I am sure he will be mad some days but it will eventually go away and everything will be fine you just have to love him give him a special feeling. And you're hot if that is true about Nigella Lawson
Author Celtica Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 You mean I USED to be hot. The thing is, whatever we have hasn't developed into much yet because he left so soon to go back home after those 2 months. All we have are those memories. And so it concerns me that he has this fantasy or image of me built up and my voluptuousness and then sees me like this and he no longer will fantasize and lose interest. The other thing is that I'm a virgin. And I had been waiting for so long to find the right guy, which I did. And then I lost my beautiful body and face and now look like I'm in my 30s (I'm in my mid 20s and used to look like I was around 20 years old or younger). So my face doesn't accurately represent who I am or my history. So many younger guys used to fall for me, and now, guys in their late 30s, early 40s hit on me. But I'm not attracted to guys in their late 30s because I already had fresh, younger guys checking me out before plus I am not as experienced as those guys. And this is why I think he won't be attracted to me anymore (he's in his early-mid 20s). My self-esteem would go down the hole if he were to reject me based on what I now look like, because really, that's what made me who I was, I was nurturing (I used to LOVE to cook) and sexy, seductive, and intelligent (supposedly omega-3s are stored in women's love handles). What to tell him... I don't want to go into detail about what happened, is it okay if I'm just like, "I've changed so much physically and I'm worried you won't be attracted to me anymore"? Or is that just setting myself up for rejection?
spareohs Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 You mean I USED to be hot. The thing is, whatever we have hasn't developed into much yet because he left so soon to go back home after those 2 months. All we have are those memories. And so it concerns me that he has this fantasy or image of me built up and my voluptuousness and then sees me like this and he no longer will fantasize and lose interest. The other thing is that I'm a virgin. And I had been waiting for so long to find the right guy, which I did. And then I lost my beautiful body and face and now look like I'm in my 30s (I'm in my mid 20s and used to look like I was around 20 years old or younger). So my face doesn't accurately represent who I am or my history. So many younger guys used to fall for me, and now, guys in their late 30s, early 40s hit on me. But I'm not attracted to guys in their late 30s because I already had fresh, younger guys checking me out before plus I am not as experienced as those guys. And this is why I think he won't be attracted to me anymore (he's in his early-mid 20s). My self-esteem would go down the hole if he were to reject me based on what I now look like, because really, that's what made me who I was, I was nurturing (I used to LOVE to cook) and sexy, seductive, and intelligent (supposedly omega-3s are stored in women's love handles). What to tell him... I don't want to go into detail about what happened, is it okay if I'm just like, "I've changed so much physically and I'm worried you won't be attracted to me anymore"? Or is that just setting myself up for rejection? While it's important to feel attractive to our partners, it seems like you may be making a mountain out of a mole hill. I can guarantee you that if there's really a connection, he's not going to be swayed by something so trivial. Honestly, it's all in the way you present yourself, and your confidence. That's what's going to attract him the most. Don't over think it, and don't let your self worth be tied to a body shape. Just be you, and if you're feeling insecure, tell him that. Just tell him you're nervous, and he'll gladly reassure you if he's worth having.
Author Celtica Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Perhaps you're right about the confidence part. But is attraction "so trivial"? Maybe it's coming from me, as a mid-20s virgin who wants to be attracted to the first guy I am with. But also some guys want to be with girls they can brag about to their friends, by means of looks, intelligence, etc. Any relationship with guy I have been with to whom I am not attracted turns sour. There is an excitement that lacks. I'm typically attracted to guys who have a manly body, as our patterns of attraction usually are a reflection our self-identity. Mine being my nurturing, feminine body. I would assume the same went for him. He used to comment on how I had the "perfect" body. What to tell him...
Feelsgoodman Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) I read your other thread, and while your story is very tragic, it also sounds incredulous. First of all, who goes in for discount plastic surgery while travelling overseas? Especially when it's done by what sounds like a hair salon and not even a legitimate hospital??? Second, how could they possibly do ultrasonic liposuction without your knowledge? You get anesthetized for liposuction...Obviously you knew it was a serious surgical procedure. Yet, you didn't inquire as to what they were doing? Or are you too ashamed to admit that you in fact knew what you were going in for? I think your focus should be getting treatment from a legitimate medical center in your home country. You need to undo the negative cosmetic and quite possibly health-related effects of the botched plastic surgery. That's more more important than worrying about some guy you've only known for 2 months. Edited July 3, 2012 by Feelsgoodman
TMichaels Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) Celtica, I read both your threads and quite frankly, I think you have serious issues -- and they aren't physical -- they're psychological. Your obsession about one's appearance -- especially yours -- is not healthy or normal. And, the fact you seem to think the only reason this guy or anyone will find you attractive is because you fit some sort of ideal you've defined in your mind is ludicrous, self-destructive and something you need to address. You need to get counseling from a mental health professional to sort out your irrational fears about your body image and desirability. *That* should be your top priority -- not looking for a plastic surgeon to inject fat back into your body or worrying about what to say to some guy who, to be honest, if he is that shallow, isn't worth the time and angst you're putting yourself through. You also need to get opinions from qualified endocrinologists about your thyroid issue. Thyroid problems are not uncommon -- at any age -- and the loss of fat cells is one of the most bizarre cause and effect justifications/explanations I've ever heard for hypothyroidism. If a doctor told you that, then you need to be talking to and getting treatment from another physician. *It is* however, possible that you had undiagnosed thyroid issues *before* you had the procedure and the unsatisfactory results you experienced from the liposuction was caused by that -- and *not* the other way around. Uncontrolled thyroid issues are one of the things that makes a candidate for liposuction or any plastic surgery procedure unsuitable. The spa or surgeon is not at fault if you didn't know or didn't disclose that medical condition to them prior to the surgery. As far as what to do about this guy, if you don't get help to get your head straight there's not much hope in my view things will work out, anyway. I don't care how lovely someone may be to look at, having to constantly shore up a partner's self-identity and confidence who has issues regarding their value and worth is exhausting and grows old pretty fast. In a nutshell, if you don't think you're worth someone else's time or attention, how do you figure any one else will? Based on your reaction to the suggestions others gave you in your other thread, I know you won't be happy until *someone* tells you what to do about this guy as you seem to think that's your big problem, so here's my two cents on that as well. I'd be honest with him and tell him that since you last saw him you've had some serious health issues and have had to concentrate on getting yourself healthy which is why you haven't been in touch. If he cares at all he'll be supportive and ask about what's been going on. You don't have to blurt out or drone on about how you've lost your looks and were afraid to tell him because he'd drop you flat -- because quite frankly *you're assuming" the only thing he found attractive about you is your appearance and I am willing to bet that you also are being far more critical about how you look than others would be because you're so convinced that is the only human attribute that has value. To assume he's as shallow as you come across in your posts is insulting and unfair to him. Give him a chance to show you what kind of a guy he is and how wrong you can easily be. If he runs for the hills, then so be it. In life and love, you win some and you lose some. But, you'll never win when you're your own worst enemy which is what you are at this point. So quit spinning around like a whirling dervish getting no where and take action to get yourself straightened out. You need to deal with the distorted view you have about body image and self-worth if you hope to find any happiness in your life with anyone including with this guy. Best, TMichaels Edited July 4, 2012 by TMichaels 3
FitChick Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Build up the muscles with heavy weight training to replace the fat lost and to give your skin something to drape over. Why not take a body shot, crop off the head and post it on the Physical Fitness Forum and ask for diet and exercise advice.
Author Celtica Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Wow, TMichaels. Thank you for your thoughtful post. I need to re-read and re-read this. I was living with an undiagnosed hypothyroid problem for one year, in which I had all the symptoms. It could have been that i had it before the procedure without me knowing, true. You are right that I am dealing with body issues. I think a big problem is a loss of identity not to mention a lot more. I've been seen therapists, though I quit recently as I found them to be too idealistic. But I plan on returning.
justwhoiam Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 From a woman's perspective, I wouldn't think you are having big issues on a psychological level... any woman can feel the very same things soon or later in life, for various reasons (getting older, fatter, thinner, etc.) Just show him pictures of yourself or switch the cam on when you talk to him. It's not something you should hide, especially because there were health issues involved. If he asks how you are, don't pretend you're fine when you're not. Talk to him openly. He might not notice the difference at all, or he might but not in a negative way as you see it.
Author Celtica Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 Thanks justwhoiam. Good advice. I will admit I've never been in a long term relationship, and this seemed like the first guy who was all about that (he'd had a 3 year relationship previously and was only 20 when I met him). It's sometimes like I am a 15 year old stuck in a mid-20s body; I get nervous about little steps that seem so miniscule to other people. I feel like I've been left in the dust in terms of relationships, partly by choice, partly by sickness and so I'm concerned my maturity level is not on par with anybody in my age group (which is why I was so attached to the youth of my face - I could date younger guys). I don't know if I'm tied more to the idea of experiencing a long term relationship or simply being with him. It seems like I'm more at loss about the idea of a potential relationship since I didn't know him well enough yet I knew that he was a trustworthy person. I had planned to visit him over where he was located but my cousin convinced me out of it because she said, "A girl should never be the first to visit a guy", which I took to heart since she's had so many successful long term relationships. So I after that my anxieties ran wild - I wanted to visit him SO bad - and yet I had NO excuse not to go. Except for that I was "busy". For me one of the key things that made me feel so comfortable with him was that I WAS honest - as honest as I could be - and he accepted it. Once the lies started rolling about how I was unavailable, that's when EVERYTHING tumbled out of control... The thing is, he believed my weird excuses and false facade and he kept pursuing... And then the body thing happened. I forgot to mention that my cousin had me read "The Rules", which was popular in the 90s before I had met him... stupid, stupid, stupid book and STUPID me for following any of their advice. So the question is: How can I start everything over from scratch after this unspoken breach of trust happened, even though he doesn't know about it? How can I tell him anything if that trust is not there? I don't know if I have anything to tell him or show him anymore and I'm so ashamed of where my life has gone. For all I know, he could have a girlfriend already. It's been that long.
justwhoiam Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) Thanks justwhoiam. Good advice. You're welcome I'd like to help. Because I know what it feels like. Just like others said: don't do anything to your body anymore (like plastic surgery, etc.) When it comes to looks, most women show a little bit of insecurity, I don't think it's a matter of maturity. Maybe we'll get it when we're 50. Who knows. Unlike you, I don't care about looks much, that lets me focus on other things. That doesn't mean I think that guys won't focus on looks, just because I don't. I tend to think too that they do. But I would say it's 50/50 (or less balanced than that), some of them will and some others won't. It's understandable for you to be insecure about him, because you don't know him enough to tell whether something about you would bother him or not. But try not to put the cart before the horses. It's difficult, but still possible. Women tend to do that all the time, when thinking of any possible scenarios and focusing on the worst ones! So, if I got it correctly, he's 22 right now, and younger than you? He met you and he still shows an interest in you after two years since when you met him last time. That must mean something. Consider that guys already know someone can look different after 2 years, and not in a better way. The fact that he didn't ask for any pictures, or was not obsessive about that is a good sign: some tend to get obsessive with that constant need. And maybe not because they need to see if you're still good looking, they just like to see you (sight is their prominent sense organ). So it seems like it's not his case, which is good. Besides, why do you like younger boys? I'd never date anyone younger than me. You see? Everyone's different. About your cousin's piece of advice: generally speaking, I'd agree with her, but if he couldn't come and you could and both of you were ok with it, I don't think anyone should get inbetween on this decision. Also, he could come to you in some way and pick you up (airport, hotel, etc.), so that he'd do his part. When did you want to visit him? Last year? By the way, tell him you need to talk to him. Find a moment when you both have time to talk, at least half an hour to one hour. On the phone. You can tell him about your fears of disclosing personal things about you and how you managed to avoid that, but you don't want to do this any longer, and then you tell him the whole truth. I don't know what "The Rules" is all about. What exactly did you do differently than you would have if you hadn't read that book? Silly stuff like waiting for 3 days before answering his phone call? What? In the end, I don't think you have to start from scratch. You just need to tell what happened and why. That's all. You might be embarassed, but you won't lose his trust if you did what you did because you were afraid. You will if you go on like this. So address this asap. About having a girlfriend, you should ask him. As simple as that. During the call when you tell him all the rest. Before calling though, ask yourself if you still like him, or if your fears can be a reflection of what you can feel about him. Are looks that important to you that you would lose interest in him if his appearance had changed a little? Edited July 9, 2012 by justwhoiam
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