Enjaycee Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Ok. So my girlfriend and I broke up for the second time almost a month ago. She decided a week before I actually came to her to tell her that wasn't working out. Even though it was mutual, I went crazy the first few days and yelled at her and even tried to hang with one of her best friends on a weekend (whom I became something of a good friend with), which of course pissed her off. We are both orientation leaders at our college and thus we live together in the same house with the other orientation leaders during our tenure. Over the course of the month after our breakup, I went back and forth trying to hang out with her and avoiding her and doing my own thing and leaving her alone. We went to church together one time and we sat together with friends at lunch a couple times. I returned to her some of her stuff and I also made the mistake of writing her a goodbye letter and slipping it underneath her door for her to read. Eventually I manned up and asked to talk in private with her last week and basically told her I wanted to try to prove myself to her, to which she replied that I should have just let it go already and that she needed space (we broke up because she believes that we're no longer compatible, but I believe it's because I started becoming pushy and less confident around her, especially with the other orientation leaders whom I previously thought I had to work to fit in with even though I was already made one). After the talk I let her go, de-friended her off of facebook and came back home for the July 4th week off. I'm at my parents' house writing this and she's about to head off for the beach. I texted her today and asked her if she still needed space, to which she said "yes", and so I replied "then we shouldn't sit together at church then" (we did this past Sunday). To this, she said "I don't need that much space." That pretty much summarizes this past month and what I've done relationship-wise with my ex. Reading it now it seems like I've made a lot of dumb moves and pushed her away even further, even though I still want to get back with her (and yet at the same time I'm talking to another girl, stupid right?). I'm looking for answers: Should I have done the things I did post-breakup? Should I try to keep in contact with her even though general opinions say to go NC and only talk to her when necessary? Apparently we can sit next to each other at church, but should I try to stay away from her? Or try to be nice? Or should I just stop caring overall? I know I need to stop texting her and give her her space. Despite everything, I still have some feelings for this girl and when I let it get to me I tend to start doing the kinda stuff I've done. I go back and forth with her because she was my first love and I don't think I've fully moved on yet. It calls up too many memories for me when I still see her all the time and when she sits next to me in church. Help this poor guy out, folks?
Samilia Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Funny how nobody listens when someone says "I need space". She said it, don't push it. I don't think you should have done the things you've done, like going from cold to hot, writing a letter or texting her to basically ask for permission to get back into her life (you're not a kid or her puppy..) I would just leave it alone, just live your life, ignore her. You don't have to be rude, but I would keep my distance.
BlazePT Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Mate, you have to let her have her cake and eat it. She asked for space. You give it to her. Simple as that. If she says that she doesn't need that much space, then she's being inconsistent. Saying things like you want to prove yourself to her, saying that you'll change, promising that it will be different, will only push her away, in the sense that she knows that everything you're doing for her is actually to try and impress her. She won't know if it's a natural thing coming from you. She might even one day come up to you and say something like "Listen, I appreciate the fact that you're trying to make things better, but it's really pointless. I just want to be friends with you." And at that point, that will sting like a b*tch. To protect your dignity and self-respect and also to respect her wish, you HAVE to step back. It will hurt, but it's the best course of action. She will also notice that you might be just doing your own thing, not thinking about her and might try to know what you're up to, after some time. If you put it into practice, you'll give her the opportunity to feel what the world's like when you're not around. If she doesn't like it, she'll start making efforts to get back with you in some way; but by the time she does, you have to have already gotten yourself back. At this time you sound a bit needy and that is not an attractive trait. Start NC ASAP. Cheers!
Author Enjaycee Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Ok, update on what has been going on. I realize now that I really have been wrong in the way I approached the break up. Yes, it was hard at first still seeing her everyday and being professional at work with her. The two month period is almost over and I'm ready to get out and start to really do NC. In this time, I've come to the decision that it's worth trying once again to get back with her for a third time. She's been mostly good to me, and I want to show her that I can be better than I once was. I understand that it starts with myself, and that I need to keep working out and hanging out with friends, and keeping up with a summer class, as I'm doing now. I need to focus on getting myself back first before I can do anything to re-create any attraction. In these past few months, I have made a few slip-ups in contacting her and trying to talk to her. She tells me she's moved on, but I don't really believe she has, and even if she has, it doesn't really bother me. We have to deal with a mini-fridge that her parents let me borrow for the summer and we're working on how to bring it home/leave it with someone at college for her cousin to use this coming fall semester. We've had a few light conversations before, and I've been nice to her about it. I've called her once and asked her out to lunch, to which she declined, and I accepted gracefully. Aside from that, that's really the only type of contact I've had with her. No talks about feelings, no attempts to convince her, no letters, no heart-felt moments, etc. I've given serious thought to seeing a counselor in order to get professional help in dealing with this, as reading how-to-get-your-ex-back guides only do so much. Any further feedback is appreciated, folks!
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