Billie Holiday Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I'll try to keep it short.. I had been dating a guy for over a year, I broke it off almost 3 months ago. He can't give me what I want(his words). It basically comes down to me wanting more and him not willing to make a serious commitment (to me). During our 'relationship' we never had a talk about where we stand. Neither of us said anything about wanting or not wanting a relationship. I've never had a serious relationship(I'm 23) and he has had one serious relationship (he's 30). When we started dating everything just felt so easy and relaxed that it all just slowly developed which I like because of my fear of things getting too serious too soon(that's when I usually get out). The last few weeks I did feel the need to have that talk, because he contacted me less and canceled twice, I was not pleased to put it mildly. He told me he's really busy and can't promise that the next few months will be better(we were at the end of finishing our studies) and that he maybe can't give me what I'm asking for, but that he would hate not seeing me anymore and that he thinks I'm beautiful, sweet and that he likes me etc. but that I do deserve somebody who will give me what I need. I broke it off. He texted me right after he left my house saying he will really miss our nice dates and that I'm a beautiful woman and he's an idiot. I replied that I can't disagree with that and that it is what it is and wished him all the best. His reaction came quite as a surprise, because I always felt like he was more serious about us than I was. He's always very affectionate(in private and public) en sweet towards me. I have some issues with intimacy so I'm less affectionate en not as open about my feelings towards him. Because of my intimacy issues and fear of commitment I sometimes respond weird to suggestions he made. He wanted to go on a vacation with me, or take a weekendtrip. He said he wanted to meet my parents, I did not respond and he quickly changed the subject. He also in a not too serious way said I love you(I cracked a joke about myself and he repeated the things I said and added I love you, again acted as if I didn't hear it, he said it twice and a friend also repeated him and I changed the subject as fast as possible), I've met his closest friends and he hasn't been properly introduced to mine(I get weird about it). He also mentioned he did not see himself as being single. And during sex he wants to gaze into my eyes and I look away(in the beginning he did tell me to look into his eyes). He never said anything about my behavior, besides the fact that he joked about me mentally abusing him with my funny comments about him. So I always had the feeling he was really into me or actually in love with me and I was slowly letting my guard down and was ready for something serious and now he doesn't want it! After we stopped seeing each other I ran into him a numerous times at the university. We flirt and act like we're still dating. I see him looking at me as if he still loves me. He seems more upset with the situation than me. He has contacted me twice and we've hooked up once more and he's the same loving guy he was before. I have no clue what he wants from me. I know he said he's not open for a serious commitment, but his actions en words during our time together say otherwise and the fact that he's still contacting me afterwards and was still very affectionate and sweet when we hooked up once more. I feel like he's afraid of really being with me, but actually wants it. Or is he just stringing me along for some nookie?
wilsonx Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 nookie.... looks like 2 peas in a pod both of you have the same issues 1
Samilia Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 he maybe can't give me what I'm asking for, but that he would hate not seeing me anymore for nookie and that he thinks I'm beautiful, sweet and that he likes me etc. but that I do deserve somebody who will give me what I need. He broke it off. I vote for nookie as well. You might think you broke it off, but he's the one who actually did. The "you deserve better" line is a classic, along with "I am busy with work", "i'm not ready", "it's not you it's me", etc... That's the feeling that I get from your story. 1
Author Billie Holiday Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 hahah I know the minute he told me those lines I said to him what kind of bull**** is this. That's why I ended it. I do not agree with you that he broke it off. He would be fine with going along with what we were doing. I consciously made the decision at that moment, because of those bull**** lines and it made me see that he did not have those kind of feelings for me. And I was very proud of myself for doing that, instead of going along with whatever. And he would stand in front of my house in a minute if I would call him. But he only started pulling away in the last few weeks and maybe now he just wants some nookie and we both have issues, but our 'relationship' did evolve like any normal one haha. We had drinks, dinners, went to the movies, he introduced me to his friends, staying the whole weekend at each others house and on free days staying in bed all day, seeing each other three times a week and during daytime and nighttime, so not only nookiehours.
Leigh 87 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I think a year is enough time to establish wheather your into a person or not. After a year, most people are madly in love. If you are unsure of your relatioship or where you both stand after one year, than your just not that into each other. You do sound like you both have issues with finding a person who your comfortable enough to be totally intimate and close with.......
Author Billie Holiday Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 It's weird because I never was unsure about his feelings, untill the last few weeks right around his birthday. And I really like him and thought I was crazy about him and that I just need to work on some of my issues. But I think you're right that maybe he's not the person for me where I feel totally comfortable with to be intimate with and he doesn't feel comfortable enough with me.
flitzanu Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I'll try to keep it short.. I had been dating a guy for over a year, I broke it off almost 3 months ago. He can't give me what I want(his words). It basically comes down to me wanting more and him not willing to make a serious commitment (to me). not willing to make a commitment = i don't want to date you "can't give you what you want" = i'm not willing to date you or be exclusive there's nothing complicated about this. he doesn't want you, but he'll bang you.
Author Billie Holiday Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Ohh that's a harsh assumption about my situation. We've hung out numerous times when we didn't have sex. And in what world is going on dates, having dinner, going to the cinema, hanging out with friends and seeing each other three times a week, not dating? And I he was always the one asking me out for these dates. And texting or calling me just to see how I'm doing or to tell me that he had a nice time and was already looking forward to seeing me again. And he's also very affectionate towards me in a non sexual way, holding my hand, cuddling, kissing my forehead etc. Is somebody capable of doing all these things if they're just interested in banging someone, for more than a year? I know I would never put so much effort in someone I'm only banging. And I'm a lot of work, I'm not that easy so I'm not the best pick for just banging. And he was exclusive, I never mentioned it, but he told me he wasn't interested in seeing anybody else. So is that weird that it's complicated for me to see what he really wants? And that for me it's not that simple as he just wants to bang me? I've seen it with my girlfriends that guys are only using them for sex. Calling them late at night, or only when they're drunk, not going out together just stopping by for half an hour, you're lucky if he cuddles you after sex. Showing no interest in your personal life or what you want or think about stuff whatever. If I compare this to my situation I would say that we were dating and not just banging. Or is that just my lovestruck heart talking?
flitzanu Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Ohh that's a harsh assumption about my situation. We've hung out numerous times when we didn't have sex. And in what world is going on dates, having dinner, going to the cinema, hanging out with friends and seeing each other three times a week, not dating? And I he was always the one asking me out for these dates. And texting or calling me just to see how I'm doing or to tell me that he had a nice time and was already looking forward to seeing me again. And he's also very affectionate towards me in a non sexual way, holding my hand, cuddling, kissing my forehead etc. Is somebody capable of doing all these things if they're just interested in banging someone, for more than a year? I know I would never put so much effort in someone I'm only banging. And I'm a lot of work, I'm not that easy so I'm not the best pick for just banging. And he was exclusive, I never mentioned it, but he told me he wasn't interested in seeing anybody else. So is that weird that it's complicated for me to see what he really wants? And that for me it's not that simple as he just wants to bang me? I've seen it with my girlfriends that guys are only using them for sex. Calling them late at night, or only when they're drunk, not going out together just stopping by for half an hour, you're lucky if he cuddles you after sex. Showing no interest in your personal life or what you want or think about stuff whatever. If I compare this to my situation I would say that we were dating and not just banging. Or is that just my lovestruck heart talking? you don't think that if he wants you as a girlfriend you'd be together?
Balzac Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Curious as to why he is at the Univ.; delayed graduate school? Faculty? I am guessing you are an undergrad? I think different life pathways at age 23 versus 30. I've lived the grad school life.
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