spives Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) Hey all. I've been a lurker for a while and finally decided to post to see if I could get some advice. My ex and I have known each other since junior high. We are now both 26. We were friends for years, she got pregnant right out of high school, and reluctantly married the guy. We had always harbored feelings for one another, but both of us were scared to make a move. When she divorced her husband I decided to tell her how I felt and we started dating. It was fantastic. Although we learned that we both had some quirks that we hadn't known about before we started dating, they were minute issues and generally we were very happy together. As it turns out, her little boy adores me and I love him with all my heart. I thought we were on the road to marriage. We talked about getting married regularly, even mused about dates and locations for the ceremony. Then we decided to move in together. Ok, it was actually a good move. We wanted to live together. We found a small house with enough room for us and rented it. What I did not know at this point is that she suffers from somewhat severe anxiety attacks. They are very rare but she does succumb occasionally. This move was stressful enough on some level that she was thrust into a very severe anxiety attack and almost called off the move. Once we were in and things had calmed down we were happy. Everyone got along great for the most part. Of course there are always little adjustments to be made when you start living with someone, but there was nothing to get excited about really. The problem arose when I didn't end up proposing to her around the time that she had guessed I was going to. Yes, we talked about a general timeline for my proposal. I didn't want to do it while she was living with her folks, so I had planned to do it the fall that we moved in together. When nothing happened by Thanksgiving, she decided that it was never going to happen and found herself an apartment. I was crushed. I didn't make a massive scene or throw a fit but I did ask lots of questions hoping to understand where we had gone wrong. She reassured me that I had done nothing wrong and that she just wanted some independence, and she didn't feel comfortable living to someone who she wasn't married to. To be honest, before we moved in together I was ready to give her a ring. Her anxiety attack surrounding the move is what scared me and made me rethink the decision. I know that may sound harsh, but it really made me question her desire to be with me when she panicked about moving in. However, after we had been in the house for a couple of months and let things settle, I was ready again. I just wasn't in a huge hurry to shake things up because I didn't know quite where she stood on the subject. Yes, I should have talked to her about it, but again, I didn't want to shake things up just a few months after this bout of anxiety. So she decided I was never going to ask and decided to move. The problem is that she never really told me that this was the reason. Or maybe I was too dense at the moment to realize that "I don't feel comfortable living with someone I'm not married / engaged to" was basically the same thing as "Propose to me, you idiot, or I'm going to move out!" Well, you guessed it. There I was thinking that I was being dumped and she moved out, probably feeling just about the same level of rejection. I helped her move and thing remained amicable and loving. I spent, and still do spend, virtually every night with her at her place. We still do all the things that couples do, and sex is very often and passionate. Now here's the catch. She broke up with me a couple of months ago. She no longer wanted to be labeled a couple and she told me that the reason is she doesn't see a future with me. She must be seeing other people, right? Nope. She assured me that she doesn't have any desire to, and we spend every night together, even since the break up. She regularly eludes to getting back together, calls me the kids step dad, talks about how much she loves me and tells me about all of the things that she adores about me. I do the same. The other night I brought up the move-out and we started talking. She got a bit fired up during the conversation and told me, in a brilliant flash of clarity, that the only reason she moved out and broke up with me afterward is that I never asked her to marry me. Really? It hit me like a ton of bricks. Here I was trying to figure this girl out and come up with a strategy to win her back, but it all seems to be laid out in front of me. When I asked her why she didn't just talk to me specifically about that before doing something so drastic she said that she didn't want to come off as pushy or manipulative in the event that I wasn't ready. When I dug a little deeper I hit an aquifer of resentment. I told her that I have always loved her and that I just hit a small speed bump on the road to marriage because she scared me. Her answers all revolved around the same basic point: Don't worry about it, it's in the past now. Honestly everyone, I'm feeling a bit dumbfounded. I'm also feeling like a little bit or a jerk. I see now that I put her through months of uncertainty and made her feel rejected, but in the same light, I went through exactly the same things. If I judge her by her actions and not her words, I would have to say that there is a very strong case for her still being in love with me. She calls and texts me when we are apart (working), calls me every night after work to ask me when I'm coming to be with her, spends the weekends tagging along on all of my silly little adventures. If I judge her by her words this would have all been over months ago when she broke up with me. That's when she said she didn't want to be with me anymore because we weren't going anywhere. Without coming off as cocky, I'd have to say that the former assessment seems the most accurate. When she broke up I went no-contact and the same day she was trying to mend things. What I'm confused about is how to proceed from here. It seems to me like she may still be holding out for that proposal, or at the very least, waiting for me to tell her I want to be her boyfriend again. I realize it's just a label and an amusing one at that since labeling us differently will result in exactly the same situation as we are currently stuck in. Make no mistake, I really love this girl from the bottom of my heart. Neither of us are short on options. She's beautiful and outgoing and she receives a lot of attention wherever she goes. Yet, she chooses to keep me around even when she has successfully freed herself to do whatever she wants. There must be a good reason for this. Does she want me to make a move? Edited July 3, 2012 by spives
Author spives Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Sorry, I realize that my first post was pretty long. TL;DR: Happy relationship, moved in together, GF had anxiety attack causing me to rethink popping the question, she moved out because I hadn't asked her to marry me, she broke up with me a few months later but we are still together night and day. Anyhow, we were talking a bit this morning and the topic of marriage came up yet again. She sure has been talking about it a lot lately. She said she didn't want to wait around for me to ask her forever and that's why she broke up with me. Roger, we understand that. I explained that when we were preparing to move I sold my motorcycle (what a sweet bike) to buy an engagement ring for her. I looked and looked and the day before I was going to buy the one I liked, her anxiety attack flared up like a wild fire. Obviously, I didn't buy the ring. As much as I wanted to, I really didn't have a clue how things were going to go while she was in the midst of her mental turmoil. Back to today, she blames me for being indecisive. In all fairness, I do tend to take my sweet time with things. Especially big purchases and life altering choices. Maybe I pussyfoot around a bit... I'll look at a dozen cars before I buy one, labor over a list of parts before I place an order for them. I talked to an Air Force recruiter weekly for months before I decided not to enlist. I wouldn't necessarily say that I require something to be a "sure thing" before I move, but it's pretty close to that. She said that she didn't want to wait for someone who isn't willing to take a risk on her. Clearly, I insulted her by my choice not to go through with my proposal, but she genuinely did scare me. I'm not one to be bullied into anything. However, I feel like maybe her opening the subject again is a sign that she is giving me one more shot. I told her today that I've always loved her and I want another shot at being her boyfriend so that we could get back to where we were. She laughed, which is always a good sign, and said "Why? So you can date me for three more years?" and then proceeded to tell me that I'm awesome but she's frustrated because I'm so dang confusing. So, does it seem that I'm on the right course here? I feel like she is opening herself to discussing this further and considering getting back with me. If she does, I will most certainly be planning my proposal. She's a great person and we get along famously. I'd appreciate any input.
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