ScienceGal Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I'm afraid my relationship with my boyfriend of four months might not work out. Not because I don't care or he doesn't, and not because either of us are horrible people. He is just not where I am, and that is a sad thing to think about, let alone truly face. I'm doing a lot of thinking tonight. I am ready to meet someone and treat them as amazingly as they deserve. It hasn't always been this way, as I had a lot of learning and growing up to do. I read a lot of the BS people are going through here on LS and I remember playing my part in such drama. Not anymore though. I am here, I've finally arrived. Now, where is he? Where is my partner, my equal? Sometimes I doubt I will ever find someone that shares my own values and morals. I don't lie, unless it's a white lie to spare feelings. I am 100% supportive, even if it's something I don't quite understand. I am helpful and give my all whenever it is needed. I am thoughtful and do nice things just because. I don't maintain inappropriate connections to exes nor do I reach out to strangers for validation or to form "back up" options. I am trustworthy. I am faithful. I do my best to communicate effectively. I rarely yell and never shut anyone out. When I say I'm sorry, I realize that means I won't do it again. I'm often very forgiving, and a peacemaker because of it. I have a lot going for me, but I'm far from perfect. I just want to meet someone who can do all of these things like I can, without having to be asked.
manup Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I'm afraid my relationship with my boyfriend of four months might not work out. Not because I don't care or he doesn't, and not because either of us are horrible people. He is just not where I am, and that is a sad thing to think about, let alone truly face. I'm doing a lot of thinking tonight. I am ready to meet someone and treat them as amazingly as they deserve. It hasn't always been this way, as I had a lot of learning and growing up to do. I read a lot of the BS people are going through here on LS and I remember playing my part in such drama. Not anymore though. I am here, I've finally arrived. Now, where is he? Where is my partner, my equal? Sometimes I doubt I will ever find someone that shares my own values and morals. I don't lie, unless it's a white lie to spare feelings. I am 100% supportive, even if it's something I don't quite understand. I am helpful and give my all whenever it is needed. I am thoughtful and do nice things just because. I don't maintain inappropriate connections to exes nor do I reach out to strangers for validation. I am trustworthy. I am faithful. I do my best to communicate effectively. I rarely yell and never shut anyone out. When I say I'm sorry, I realize that means I won't do it again. I'm often very forgiving, and a peacemaker because of it. I have a lot going for me, but I'm far from perfect. I just want to meet someone who can do all of these things like I can, without having to be asked. No you think your perfect, what this post really reeks of is "I can do better than my boyfriend." Typical hypergamy at work, it's nothing new.
Author ScienceGal Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 No you think your perfect, what this post really reeks of is "I can do better than my boyfriend." Typical hypergamy at work, it's nothing new. Hypergamy? Funny nothing I said mentioned money or anything materialistic. I'm simply stating that I've come along way and it would be nice to meet someone that wasn't still learning a lot through their mistakes. Someone who is already mature and experienced and is similar to me, not "better".
fishtaco Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I have a lot going for me, but I'm far from perfect. I just want to meet someone who can do all of these things like I can, without having to be asked. If you're ready to move on, then break it off with him and move on. It's going to be sad, but if you're sure that's what you have to do, then you should do it instead of lingering. But be careful. What you said there in your post, you're looking for a psychic as a boyfriend. They don't exist. So I'm not saying you shouldn't move on, maybe you have reached a different level compared to your boyfriend, I don't know, I can only take your word for it. But I'm saying you may need to have a bit of expectation adjustment. Generally, nothing will be automatic. People are just too different. They have different priorities, different things that interest them, different ways of approaching life. If you ask, and the other person is understanding, and you can at least reach a compromise, then it's a win. If you expect the other person to read your mind, well, you will be disappointed. Relationships are about compromises, understanding, and putting yourself in the other person's shoes. Easier said than done. I'm still struggling with this.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 He is just not where I am Does he have any understanding that he is supposed to be where you are? Does he have any interest in being where you are?
Author ScienceGal Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 If you're ready to move on, then break it off with him and move on. It's going to be sad, but if you're sure that's what you have to do, then you should do it instead of lingering. But be careful. What you said there in your post, you're looking for a psychic as a boyfriend. They don't exist. So I'm not saying you shouldn't move on, maybe you have reached a different level compared to your boyfriend, I don't know, I can only take your word for it. But I'm saying you may need to have a bit of expectation adjustment. Generally, nothing will be automatic. People are just too different. They have different priorities, different things that interest them, different ways of approaching life. If you ask, and the other person is understanding, and you can at least reach a compromise, then it's a win. If you expect the other person to read your mind, well, you will be disappointed. Relationships are about compromises, understanding, and putting yourself in the other person's shoes. Easier said than done. I'm still struggling with this. I am not sure about leaving yet. A recent event has just shaken me and I'm waiting for my emotions to finish settling. I'm trying to determine if he's going to be the type of guy that will make multiple mistakes like this. Or, maybe it's just who he is (maybe they're not "mistakes" to him). The last guy I dated was very sweet, but an emotional wreck who left me twice and still wants me to take him back. Before that, an egomaniac that had a fiery temper and wanted to take but never give. So, I'm just ready already And to be fair, I didn't mean I require all the things I listed. I didn't realize it might come off that way. I just want the fundamentals, which are the compatibilities that build a strong foundation in a relationship. I especially want someone that has enough strength and integrity to make the right decisions (in regards to me and the relationship). Seems like reasonable standards to me.
fishtaco Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I am not sure about leaving yet. A recent event has just shaken me and I'm waiting for my emotions to finish settling. I'm trying to determine if he's going to be the type of guy that will make multiple mistakes like this. Or, maybe it's just who he is (maybe they're not "mistakes" to him). The last guy I dated was very sweet, but an emotional wreck who left me twice and still wants me to take him back. Before that, an egomaniac that had a fiery temper and wanted to take but never give. So, I'm just ready already And to be fair, I didn't mean I require all the things I listed. I didn't realize it might come off that way. I just want the fundamentals, which are the compatibilities that build a strong foundation in a relationship. I especially want someone that has enough strength and integrity to make the right decisions (in regards to me and the relationship). Seems like reasonable standards to me. Yes, reasonable, but you have to understand "fundamental" and "reasonable" mean different things to different people. As long you just don't assume things will magically happen the way you want it to. Communication is key. If you tell your SO, and he's willing to either compromise and meet you half way, or more, that's the best you can ask for. But you have to bring it up and talk about it first. You can't just assume because it "so obvious" to you. That's all I'm saying. Not questioning your standards, but that you have to make your standards known.
Author ScienceGal Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Does he have any understanding that he is supposed to be where you are? Does he have any interest in being where you are? Good questions. We have talked about our different relationship experiences (mine mostly LTRs and his mostly short term dating) and how they've shaped who we are. I've learned to develop boundaries and understand the difference between being single and being exclusive. The transition is seamless for me, there are just some things you don't do when you're committed to someone (e.g. reach out to exes, be indirect with someone who is showing interest). I don't think it's that transparent to him. He admits to not being where I am at; in fact, he said if I feel like it's going to be "work" to be with him then we shouldn't be together because it's not fair to either of us. I agreed. But he wants to change, he realizes there are things he could do to better himself. And it's not for me. The biggest thing right now is that he doesn't have anyone close to talk to or confide in besides me. He needs someone, he needs a good friend. He has one who constantly confides in him about relationships, so I told him to not feel shy about opening up. A good friendship has equal sides of listening and talking.
Author ScienceGal Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 But you have to bring it up and talk about it first. You can't just assume because it "so obvious" to you. That's all I'm saying. Not questioning your standards, but that you have to make your standards known. Yeah, I went through a short phase of being angry and frustrated because I couldn't understand why things weren't going my way. That's when I learned to become a better communicator. It's been much better since
fishtaco Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Yeah, I went through a short phase of being angry and frustrated because I couldn't understand why things weren't going my way. That's when I learned to become a better communicator. It's been much better since Me too. Haha.
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