SerCay Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Ok so it's been 3 weeks of NC now.. Thinking of him less and less.. But when I do think of him? IT KICKS IN SISTER..and it kicks hard.. I'm terribly angry with him. Blood-boiling angry. Instead of hearing my issue with him out and listening to it and try to find a compromise with me, he chose to remain the same and call me a luney. I HAD TO DUMP HIM. His behaviour was indifferent and disregarding towards me in the end, and he was truly only focused on himself. I know people do this when they start to move on, I've been there before. Still he wanted to continue and just wait for the problems to pass..IN WHAT WORLD DO PROBLEMS FREAKIN PASS WITHOUT ACTUALLY WORKING FOR ITT!!??? He couldn't tell me either, but still didn't want to work on it, so yes I definitely had to leave.. I am so so angry for that he just went a*shole-ish, and didn't even once tried to break NC with me..The guy who was certain I was the only woman EVER that understood him, the future mother of his kids..his trophy striking gold gf.. WOW I meant a lot..3 weeks pass by, not 1 word from him. But my real question is, dear people. pleaseee someone tell me, when will I start to accept it's really over? I DESPERATELY need to start accepting it's over, so I can move on for real../and not just partially.. Anyone been in a situation where the break up was with no particular reason but the other person's selfishness? How long did it take you to accept it was over for no reason, but IT WAS OVER?
CopingGal Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 (edited) Hun, I tell you, I don't think the reason matters. A selfish bastard is a selfish bastard and that is the worse kind of person to date and it takes time to get over that. Loads and load of time. So many people in LS try to rush their recovery, but you just can't. All you can do is be patient and make your life a great one. It will come. The acceptance phase takes a very, very long time, so sit back and get comfortable with the pain. For a long term relationship it can take one year or more, depending on how much of a bastard the person you dated was and how long you dated. Edited July 2, 2012 by CopingGal 2
Author SerCay Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 Hun, I tell you, I don't think the reason matters. A selfish bastard is a selfish bastard and that is the worse kind of person to date and it takes time to get over that. Loads and load of time. So many people in LS try to rush their recovery, but you just can't. All you can do is be patient and make your life a great one. It will come. The acceptance phase takes a very, very long time, so sit back and get comfortable with the pain. For a long term relationship it can take one year or more, depending on how much of a bastard the person you dated was and how long you dated. Thank CopingGal, you're right probably..reason doesn't matter..I don't want to rush recovery, honestly I'm planning on remaining non-dating and finding myself back for a while..I just want to stop waiting for him to contact me and try to reconcile you know I have this stupid weird tiny bit of hope somewhere in my mind that thinks he will come to senses.. Why do I have this? It happened before.. ugh I don't like my thoughts like this..Are they familiar with you too? 1
Author SerCay Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 ohh andd..I know it's bad and evil but I just can't STAND the fact that he's all confident and happily moving on doing his things in life, and I'm stuck thinking of him from time to time:mad:
skyisfalling Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I know it sucks. It's frustrating, it makes you anxious, you stare at your phone all day asking yourself why he isn't calling you to work things out. It sucks, and the feeling youre left with is hopelessness and loneliness. Unfortunately, as long as you have even a sliver of hope, you will never fully accept that its over.. you will hope, even if its just a little dust of hope, its hope. I dont doubt you two had a great relationship, but all great relationships need communication and compromise to work out. If he isn't wanting to communicate to you about certain things, then how are you both supposed to progress and grow as a couple. Its really unfortunate that you're stuck in this rut, because you're the one that wants to give it all you have and he doesn't, but you can't force him or make him do anything and I think that's what's frustrating you the most. I've been there and in the end, I gave up. I realized that as much as I loved him and I wanted to put forth my everything into the relationship, I couldn't do it without him, and he made his case very clear. Keep doing what you're doing, I know it sounds so cliche, but everyone can't be wrong when they tell you NC. NC is for you- why be with someone who doesn't want to work or talk things out, and why put yourself out there for someone who isn't afraid to lose you.
tryingtodiscoveranew Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 SerCay... Glad I found you here. You seem to be going into the reassurance phase that we discussed again. Try to remember what you wrote a few days ago. That if it weren't for "The Addiction", you would have left your ex in the beginning. Don't forget how you and I get caught up with people that are only appealing on the outside and if we were to turn them inside out, there would be no appeal whatsoever. You are just letting your thoughts toy with the idea of remaining in that cycle we discussed. I still have to read the book. But, even without reading it yet, I can totally recognize the pattern.
CopingGal Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) SerCay, we all want to be wanted, even if our ex is a monster. When I found out all the disgusting stuff my ex did not me, I wanted him to come to me apologizing over and over again. That did not happened. My ex only apologized when he had an agenda. He had none this time. He wanted to be with the woman he cheated on me with. Instead of apologies, he behavior towards me got worse. He gloated about her, verbally shoved her in my face, laughed at my pain, downplayed my pain, tried to make me feel like cheating on me was an accident and then necessary, and then tried to force me to be his friend after he did all of that to me. Sometimes I still imagine he will apologize, but the only way that will happen is if he decides he wants me back, which of course, I will say no to. I actually know that I'm better off that my ex does not want me back because he's so dysfunctional and sick in the head. With someone like that, you don't go looking for closure. You make your own closure. You don't depend on them to feel better, you make yourself feel better. Edited July 3, 2012 by CopingGal
Author SerCay Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) I know it sucks. It's frustrating, it makes you anxious, you stare at your phone all day asking yourself why he isn't calling you to work things out. It sucks, and the feeling youre left with is hopelessness and loneliness. Unfortunately, as long as you have even a sliver of hope, you will never fully accept that its over.. you will hope, even if its just a little dust of hope, its hope. I dont doubt you two had a great relationship, but all great relationships need communication and compromise to work out. If he isn't wanting to communicate to you about certain things, then how are you both supposed to progress and grow as a couple. Its really unfortunate that you're stuck in this rut, because you're the one that wants to give it all you have and he doesn't, but you can't force him or make him do anything and I think that's what's frustrating you the most. I've been there and in the end, I gave up. I realized that as much as I loved him and I wanted to put forth my everything into the relationship, I couldn't do it without him, and he made his case very clear. Keep doing what you're doing, I know it sounds so cliche, but everyone can't be wrong when they tell you NC. NC is for you- why be with someone who doesn't want to work or talk things out, and why put yourself out there for someone who isn't afraid to lose you. Trueee Sky, everything was always my fault anyway.. it's just hurtful when time passes Ido realize my faults but he, he doesn't, he believes in his being right more and more.. SerCay... Glad I found you here. You seem to be going into the reassurance phase that we discussed again. Try to remember what you wrote a few days ago. That if it weren't for "The Addiction", you would have left your ex in the beginning. Don't forget how you and I get caught up with people that are only appealing on the outside and if we were to turn them inside out, there would be no appeal whatsoever. You are just letting your thoughts toy with the idea of remaining in that cycle we discussed. I still have to read the book. But, even without reading it yet, I can totally recognize the pattern. LOL OMG LMAO and all tose words..sooo true..My ego is totally falling into the ''ow can he not want me'' thing..glad you recognize and open my eyes againn *lightbulb* haha.. ow ave you been coping? SerCay, we all want to be wanted, even if our ex is a monster. When I found out all the disgusting stuff my ex did not me, I wanted him to come to me apologizing over and over again. That did not happened. My ex only apologized when he had an agenda. He had none this time. He wanted to be with the woman he cheated on me with. Instead of apologies, he behavior towards me got worse. He gloated about her, verbally shoved her in my face, laughed at my pain, downplayed my pain, tried to make me feel like cheating on me was an accident and then necessary, and then tried to force me to be his friend after he did all of that to me. Sometimes I still imagine he will apologize, but the only way that will happen is if he decides he wants me back, which of course, I will say no to. I actually know that I'm better off that my ex does not want me back because he's so dysfunctional and sick in the head. With someone like that, you don't go looking for closure. You make your own closure. You don't depend on them to feel better, you make yourself feel better. True Copinggal..it's a lot of an ego thing I guess..I'm feeling better and better each day now, and yes one day the acceptance/closure come from within..can't wait for that day to come..Ilove life too much you know:love: I wanna be te old me.. Thanks all of you guys, your advices elp me so much!! The thing that bothers me is just, despite all the reasons, why do I realise my faults and he doesn't? How does it work that a person is so blind that he rather let go of the girl he loves (he has never been in love and had a serious relationship before) than to try and make it work.. But yeah, that's just someting I will ave to learn to live with I guess egoism goes in scales and he loves himself too much to give in. I should do te same!! (I just noticed there's something wrong with the letter H on my PC haha) Edited July 3, 2012 by SerCay
tryingtodiscoveranew Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 LOL OMG LMAO and all tose words..sooo true..My ego is totally falling into the ''how can he not want me'' thing..glad you recognize and open my eyes again *lightbulb* haha.. how have you been coping? SerCay (I took the liberty of adding your "h's". I like how we can be there for one another on this site. It's so cool! Especially finding people dealing with almost the exact same issues with themselves. Thank you for asking how I am. Most people in my life assume because it's been so long since my break up, that I am past it. But, it's the inner demons I am still fighting. But, to answer your question, I am doing well. When I get the urge to call my ex, I remind myself that I spent more than 9 years going back and forth with her. And 2 of those years giving her space (which was excruciating for me), for her to later date me again and bail on me, because of her fear of me dumping her again (so she claims).
Author SerCay Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 LOL OMG LMAO and all tose words..sooo true..My ego is totally falling into the ''how can he not want me'' thing..glad you recognize and open my eyes again *lightbulb* haha.. how have you been coping? SerCay (I took the liberty of adding your "h's". I like how we can be there for one another on this site. It's so cool! Especially finding people dealing with almost the exact same issues with themselves. Thank you for asking how I am. Most people in my life assume because it's been so long since my break up, that I am past it. But, it's the inner demons I am still fighting. But, to answer your question, I am doing well. When I get the urge to call my ex, I remind myself that I spent more than 9 years going back and forth with her. And 2 of those years giving her space (which was excruciating for me), for her to later date me again and bail on me, because of her fear of me dumping her again (so she claims). Yeah people will assume anything..tbh even best friends will assume anything because they're not in your position..What I personally found out throughout this whole is that you are the only one who will truly understand you.. I think most of us here have found that irl it's a lonely journey recovering from a break up. I have had tons of support from my family but like you say, everyone assumes that, when the story gets ''old'', you must be over it already.. I didn't know it was 9 years in your situation..that's a very longgg time. It's very very normal for you to be still in this phase. They say it takes 1 month for each year you were together..
tryingtodiscoveranew Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 That means I have 8 mths to go. I really have to find a support group or friend! I would ask you, but you may your hands full. I just have to find the strength to fully walk away and heal myself. I hate feeling this way...like I have no escape. Like the only way to find relief is to have the upper-hand and feel like my ex desires me (even though I don't want her)...ugh!
Author SerCay Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 That means I have 8 mths to go. I really have to find a support group or friend! I would ask you, but you may your hands full. I just have to find the strength to fully walk away and heal myself. I hate feeling this way...like I have no escape. Like the only way to find relief is to have the upper-hand and feel like my ex desires me (even though I don't want her)...ugh! I'd love to help you! just PM me and we go from there.. I have been through the exact same patterns so I strongly also recommend you to buy the book I told you about.. ps. Have you seen my other thread?
tryingtodiscoveranew Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 That would be outstanding to keep in touch with you through this. It may help us both. I liked when you seemed to be slipping, I was able to remind you of things we discussed. I haven't figured out how to PM. I will work on that immediately!! Please attach a link of the post I should read.
CopingGal Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 They say it takes 1 month for each year you were together.. I disagree. That means it will take one month to get over somone if you were with them a year. Way too soon. I read that it's 1/2 the time you were with them if the relationship was a year or less. So a relationship that lasted a year would take on average 6 months to get over. For relationships lasting more than a year will take one year to get over. I think I read that in "It's Called a Break-up Because it's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-up Buddy" by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt
tryingtodiscoveranew Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I disagree. That means it will take one month to get over somone if you were with them a year. Way too soon. I read that it's 1/2 the time you were with them if the relationship was a year or less. So a relationship that lasted a year would take on average 6 months to get over. For relationships lasting more than a year will take one year to get over. I think I read that in "It's Called a Break-up Because it's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-up Buddy" by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt I was hoping there was some truth to the ''1 mth. per year dated to get over'' theory! So, I guess unless I magically wake up one morning with no feelings for her. Or see her and she has absolutely nothing going for herself, I'm stuck for a longgggg time. Perhaps, it's a mind thing. Maybe it all depends on my thought process & how much effort I put into healing (just a thought...no pun intended.lol).
CopingGal Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Well, everyone is different. But I think on average it takes a long time. I've been healing for about a year. Based on how I feel, I'm guessing I need one more year to be okay.
Author SerCay Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 That would be outstanding to keep in touch with you through this. It may help us both. I liked when you seemed to be slipping, I was able to remind you of things we discussed. I haven't figured out how to PM. I will work on that immediately!! Please attach a link of the post I should read. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/334090-i-have-my-closuree-d Here you have it.. I also checked how to PM you but I think you have to be on LS for a whole month to be able to do that. So we're just gonna have to wait a bit.. About the getting over someone, It's just something I've been told..But I think it's worth trying. Going NC and really actively trying to move on will do a person wonders I think..especially now you know of the cycles..I'm gonna PM you when the month is over
betterdeal Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Do you remember a time when you didn't quite believe it was over? Then the time when you were so scared about it being over? Or a time when you tried to think your way out of it being over or bargain your way out of it being over? And now you're not asking, "is it over" or "how can I survive if it's over?" or "if I do this or that will that stop it being over?" Now you are asking "When will this mess in my head do the decent thing and get the ʞɔnɟ out of here and leave me alone?" You see how you've progressed? It's all about getting over it now, not about it any more. You're on the road to closure, which looks more like a dot on the horizon in your rear view mirror than brick wall in front of you. You'll get there, soon enough. 1
Author SerCay Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Do you remember a time when you didn't quite believe it was over? Then the time when you were so scared about it being over? Or a time when you tried to think your way out of it being over or bargain your way out of it being over? And now you're not asking, "is it over" or "how can I survive if it's over?" or "if I do this or that will that stop it being over?" Now you are asking "When will this mess in my head do the decent thing and get the ʞɔnɟ out of here and leave me alone?" You see how you've progressed? It's all about getting over it now, not about it any more. You're on the road to closure, which looks more like a dot on the horizon in your rear view mirror than brick wall in front of you. You'll get there, soon enough. True..I remember those days I was crying all day every day oh my god it was horrible.. You're right..I didn't realize I'm on my way and it's going well, when you're in the situation you can't see the progress clearly. Although setbacks are hard..I'm confident now I will get over this soon..
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