ScienceGal Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 A lot of folks come to LS, myself included, to talk about problems in their relationship. Often times the way the story is portrayed makes the other posters do some head shaking and forehead smacking before they respond with a "run... are you kidding me! RUN!" type message. Of course there are circumstances when the responders are absolutely right, such as in abusive situations. But, there are other, more gray area issues happening and sometimes it's hard to know what to do. Here is my question: I am curious to see what types of obstacles (e.g. lying, cheating, etc.) you have gone through with your long term partner or spouse. How did it affect your relationship? Did the situation seem to forever change the chemistry or relationship dynamic or were you able to truly move on? Anything you would like to share is welcomed.
burningashes Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I came here because I had gotten into a new relationship with someone and needed some help navigating through it, after a 8 year LTR that ended. We have since broken up, but I stop by here because I like it here and advice from other posters have been very insightful. Cliff notes of my problem(s)- I was in a FWB relationship with the ex (8 year LTR one) when I got involved with someone new (the new relationship I have mentioned above). It ended badly because I made the wrong choice of not telling him that I had exit sex with my FWB ex when I was ending things (I know, what the heck was I thinking..?). I was supposed to end things so that I could fully invest myself in the new relationship. He felt that I cheated on him, and at the time, I was still convinced that just because we weren't exclusive (it happened a week after we first slept together, and we didn't agree to become bf and gf til 2 months later), it didn't mean I cheated. I came to LS about this latest development in my new relationship, and got some advice from people, advice that I didn't want to hear at the time. Our relationship ended two years ago, followed by strict NC on both our ends over time periods. I eventually realized that the other posters were right- he was upset that I was not honest with him, simply put (on top of cheating). Disclosure of the truth is needed to maintain a healthy amount of trust, and I betrayed that basic foundation that every relationship needs- honesty and trust. I have since looked at my old posts and re-read the advice posters have given me, much of it ended up being spot-on. What did happen was that even though I did everything in my power to volunteer full disclosure, and talked all the time what I did every day, he simply could not trust me again. Believe me, I tried. It was too late, the damage was done, and it was best that we parted ways. I took some wise words away with me from someone who left a comment that I should spend the time alone and discover who I was- I'm really glad I did. I'm convinced that I needed that time to grow, and learn more about myself as a single woman (two years! ) Posters said that the dynamics were changed forever, and that things would never be the same. That also turned out to be right- it still wasn't the same even though we tried to be friends months later after we broke up for good. I'm not sure if we can truly be friends again.. I'm at the point of accepting that, and would be completely okay if he called me one day, and said, "I think we should just move on, and stop contact for good." What happened was my fault, and so I should eat em apples. I'll always miss his friendship, but if it's just not going to work out, I'm okay letting it go completely if it comes down to that- I wish nothing but the best for him. I have since then, hopefully, become a better person having learned valuable lessons. Interestingly enough, I also recently discovered my real name means "wise little owl" in Gaelic. And now? I'm in a new relationship and I couldn't be any happier. I've learned my lessons and have tried everything to pay my dues. I will never cheat again, having witnessed the devastation my then boyfriend went through when he found out (I told him). It was the most soul wrenching experience I could ever have put someone through. I never would put anyone through that again. I'd like to think I can help others in return now, just like how people tried to smack me in the head in the LS forums and told me to wake the hell up!
HHC Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I've had to deal with: People outside of my relationship adding stressors to it, for their own pleasure. Depression. Lying. Chronic Illness. Extra marital sex. Children. Life.
Author ScienceGal Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 I've had to deal with: People outside of my relationship adding stressors to it, for their own pleasure. Depression. Lying. Chronic Illness. Extra marital sex. Children. Life. Are you still married?
HHC Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Are you still married? Yes, and very much in love Life sucks sometimes but it's rarely due to the other person directly. Life puts a lot of pressure on you, so do kids, when one of you suffers a chronic illness it effects every aspects of your life and it's no one's fault. As much as being with my husband indirectly has caused a lot of stress in my life, the fact I get to face it with him makes it bearable 1
frozensprouts Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 things we've had to work through... -moving on the average of every two years to a new army base -my husband's infidelity -his abusive parents -money being tight -having two of our three kids having significant health problems which are chronic ( at least one of them if not both, will not be able to live on their own as an adult) -I have a chronic health issue(s) - lots of other little day to day stressors but we have worked through a lot of that together, and accepted the things that we can't change...and we are happy
16thstreet Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) Have dealt with: LDR Communication Trust Financial Issues Basic Understanding Of One Another Soon to deal with: Child (and probably: Sex) Communication is something that we work on. At times I am not good about understanding or articulating things that are bothering me or that I have an expectation about something (because I view having an expectation as negative). It is a battle for me. Re the LDR, we ended our relationship for a brief period toward the end of the LD period, but he moved shortly after to the city I live in (in part for a job, in part to try to make things work). That changed our relationship quite a bit because for the first time I really saw that he was willing to make big changes for things to work and it was not going to be me only that had to make adjustments. I've posted elsewhere about debt, but that has been generally something that we tackled together but I do not always like the feeling that I'm the "boring" or "unfun" one for sticking to certain financial principles. Having a child in a few months is throwing us (or maybe just me) for a bit of a loop. Things feel closer in some ways between us and yet already I am nervous that we are growing apart and not focused as much on one another (and worried about how that trend is going to continue). Sex is less frequent already and I have some anxiety about that change (dislike). These are not big issues necessarily compared to what a lot of people have gone through, but they feel big to me at times! I have gone through very difficult things in past relationships, however. But those things are why those relationships are now in the past. Edited July 3, 2012 by 16thstreet
pink_sugar Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Overcome: fighting to the point of emotional and physical abuse. Trust issues (mostly me, forced to move out at 18 because my dad was emotionally and physically abusive). Depression His mom/stepdad disowning him and treating him like dirt all his life. Issues with other relatives. Need to work on: Sex Financial issues
Author ScienceGal Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 I suppose my point in posting was to see what people went through and whether they were able to hold the relationship together, possibly even coming out stronger. Seems like a mixed bag, with most of you still working on various issues. I don't think anyone has had a relationship without issues though, and I believe there is constant lessons and growth along the way. The level of investment and willingness to work on it has to be equal, or nearly, for both people. I believe the seeing the same value in the relationship is what helps couples get through. If it's one person caring and doing all the compromising, then it's doomed to fail, or at the very least remain unhappy and unhealthy. Thank you all for sharing.
HokeyReligions Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 forced Celibacy (something like 18+ years now, I've lost count.) due to, growing after-effects of child abuse (his) trust issues (shared)financial hardshipdeaths of childrendeaths of other familyco-dependencyincreasing health issues - current, including a recent stroke (his) Married 26 years, together 28 and counting. Overcome? I don't think that is the right word. We have overcome nothing, we deal with everything on a daily basis, we've 'overcome' nothing. Memories are still there and we add new ones constantly. We both have bad and better days dealing with the emotions and memories and the fears we have. We don't overcome, but we do try to work together as a team to cope. I don't remember why I came to loveshack - I think I was crusing the 'net one day and found it and thought the conversations were interesting. That was nearly 10 years ago! Yikes! I was very active for a number of years, now it's more difficult to get here consistently and most of the names are new to me. Sadly, most of the stories are not. But - that said, we perhaps we can take some comfort in knowing that what we may be going thru others have faced too and survived - maybe that will give hope to some, while diminishing anyone's suffering.
Radagast Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I am curious to see what types of obstacles (e.g. lying, cheating, etc.) you have gone through with your long term partner or spouse. How did it affect your relationship? Did the situation seem to forever change the chemistry or relationship dynamic or were you able to truly move on? Anything you would like to share is welcomed. Overcome: my ex-wife doing her damndest to make things difficult for us. Logistical issues around maintaining households and families in different parts of the world. Bureaucratic issues concerning my wife's relocation. Largely overcome: my kids growing up as spoiled brats due to ex-wife. My suppressed resentment built up over decades living with my ex-wife. My chronic health problems brought on by decades of living with my ex-wife. My crippling fear that my ex-wife might attempt suicide again to manipulate the kids. Still to overcome: some problematic attitudes my kids have towards my ex-wife. The abiding concern that my ex-wife might flip out again and abuse my elderly parents again. The odd flash of guilt when I see my ex-wife's life taking a turn for the worse, that I couldn't save her and I failed as a husband.
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