steelgator Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Long story here it goes, Me and my ex have a history of arguing, we are crazy for eachother and I had just came back to her right before summer break she was so happy wanted me to live there and was scared I was gonna hook up with other girls in the summer and even said you better want me in the fall. Apart for summer, we decided it'd be best to take things slow and maybe this time apart will be good to figure out what we're doing here and we'll regroup in the fall. Right before I left I heard her on the phone with her mom saying yes he came back for me but I'm going to keep my guard up since she was still hurt from me breaking up with her, she cried alot. But we were still contacting...she would even initiate but would bring up randomly in the convo about her needing time and got mad when i would flirt back and be like? how many girls are you flirting with now? She even said i don't know what i want but i don't want anything over summer when your four hours away and you won't be here for four months. but then a week after that decision i surprise visited and she didn't wanna see me said she hated surprises and i should've let her know earlier. I got mad and yelled at her on the phone after drinking. I tried apologizing the next day and she said she's too hurt and we're better off as friends for now. I said alot of girls say that then don't hear from them ever again, she just said I mean what I say. That day, I tried getting her back I was crying but she said there's too much water under the bridge, it was an unhealthy relationship...but that I need to relax and that I'll still be a part of her life. I said so maybe friends with benefits in the fall when i return? she said Idk what the future holds bullcrap. Then said something like now you know how I felt. No matter how much i begged she just wouldn't given in and when I asked about her feelings she would get defensive. Then she texted me to ask if im sure i don't have any STD's...which ive assured her multiple times i havent and shes only the second girl ive slept with but she thinks im a player and i get around and is scared of me hooking up so I thought it was a sneaky way to ask me. Anyways, I go 3 weeks NC and then i asked a simple hey how are things and she was eager and immediate to respond seconds later making short excited texts. then I brought up us because I just need closure and she kept saying the basic please I want to be friends line and I asked if there would ever be a chance if we could get back together if we were friends seriously because then i would? instead of yes or no she just said please, i wanna be friends. Whenever I asked about her feelings she would just say I don't wanna talk about this anymore, all you do is make me upset and anxious. or I don't know what to say. At first I said it'd hurt too much i couldn't do it then she said well your giving me an anxiety attack don't talk to me anymore then i'd be more willing to be your friend if you wouldn't insult me from time to time but i don't wanna talk to you anymore (it's like she's really begging for the friendship) I said ok just breathe im sorry. Hour and a half later at 3 am she says you got me all freaked out again that you're going to come and hurt me. And I said why do you think i would do that? she said Idk i think everyone wants to hurt me I have anxiety problems. The day after that I just said let me know when you're ready to talk. She said about what? i said just in general. She replies we're better off not. So, I accepted the friendship right there and she respond "I'll be your friend but not yet. You hurt me too much yet." Crazy situation I know but what chance do you think I have? She wants to be my friend but is angry and hurt but did the dumping herself? I keep trying to make her tell me if its over for good but she just won't give me a definitive answer and resorts back to wanting to be friends or i don't want to talk about this anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steelgator Posted July 2, 2012 Author Share Posted July 2, 2012 any help please? i hear the only time you should be friends with an ex is if u did something wrong and they are hurt i need advice Link to post Share on other sites
whoknows11 Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Long story here it goes, Me and my ex have a history of arguing, we are crazy for eachother and I had just came back to her right before summer break she was so happy wanted me to live there and was scared I was gonna hook up with other girls in the summer and even said you better want me in the fall. Apart for summer, we decided it'd be best to take things slow and maybe this time apart will be good to figure out what we're doing here and we'll regroup in the fall. Right before I left I heard her on the phone with her mom saying yes he came back for me but I'm going to keep my guard up since she was still hurt from me breaking up with her, she cried alot. But we were still contacting...she would even initiate but would bring up randomly in the convo about her needing time and got mad when i would flirt back and be like? how many girls are you flirting with now? She even said i don't know what i want but i don't want anything over summer when your four hours away and you won't be here for four months. but then a week after that decision i surprise visited and she didn't wanna see me said she hated surprises and i should've let her know earlier. I got mad and yelled at her on the phone after drinking. I tried apologizing the next day and she said she's too hurt and we're better off as friends for now. I said alot of girls say that then don't hear from them ever again, she just said I mean what I say. That day, I tried getting her back I was crying but she said there's too much water under the bridge, it was an unhealthy relationship...but that I need to relax and that I'll still be a part of her life. I said so maybe friends with benefits in the fall when i return? she said Idk what the future holds bullcrap. Then said something like now you know how I felt. No matter how much i begged she just wouldn't given in and when I asked about her feelings she would get defensive. Then she texted me to ask if im sure i don't have any STD's...which ive assured her multiple times i havent and shes only the second girl ive slept with but she thinks im a player and i get around and is scared of me hooking up so I thought it was a sneaky way to ask me. Anyways, I go 3 weeks NC and then i asked a simple hey how are things and she was eager and immediate to respond seconds later making short excited texts. then I brought up us because I just need closure and she kept saying the basic please I want to be friends line and I asked if there would ever be a chance if we could get back together if we were friends seriously because then i would? instead of yes or no she just said please, i wanna be friends. Whenever I asked about her feelings she would just say I don't wanna talk about this anymore, all you do is make me upset and anxious. or I don't know what to say. At first I said it'd hurt too much i couldn't do it then she said well your giving me an anxiety attack don't talk to me anymore then i'd be more willing to be your friend if you wouldn't insult me from time to time but i don't wanna talk to you anymore (it's like she's really begging for the friendship) I said ok just breathe im sorry. Hour and a half later at 3 am she says you got me all freaked out again that you're going to come and hurt me. And I said why do you think i would do that? she said Idk i think everyone wants to hurt me I have anxiety problems. The day after that I just said let me know when you're ready to talk. She said about what? i said just in general. She replies we're better off not. So, I accepted the friendship right there and she respond "I'll be your friend but not yet. You hurt me too much yet." Crazy situation I know but what chance do you think I have? She wants to be my friend but is angry and hurt but did the dumping herself? I keep trying to make her tell me if its over for good but she just won't give me a definitive answer and resorts back to wanting to be friends or i don't want to talk about this anymore. Your ex sounds alot like mine. Almost exact. Minus fwb. Do you guys go to college together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author steelgator Posted July 2, 2012 Author Share Posted July 2, 2012 yeah we go to college together...she won't be fwb now just when i asked about later when i get back to school she said she doesn't know the future blah blah Link to post Share on other sites
Samilia Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Eh.. she's clear, she doesn't want to. At first she offered to be friends, you insisted on reviving the relationship, now she's holding up on being friends all together. Best thing you can do right now is maintain NC and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
lil hoodlum Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Steelgator you keep posting about your situation. You seriously like to put the pressure on that poor girl. She is having anxiety attacks and yet you insist on pressuring her. You need to seriously back way off and quit being so needy. Being needy and insecure does not look very attractive. You keep doing the same things over and over and it is just plain not working out for you. Tell me, what exactly is your girl asking from you? Why are you not willing to give her what she is wanting from you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author steelgator Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 Well i've heard that you have a chance if they show anger but still want to be friends...ive had other girls offer me the friends route and show indifference and that's where i politely say no...but I really hurt this girls feelings so I just told her lets use this time to heal so we can be friends again...then I blocked her from fb and ive gone NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steelgator Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 i haven't contacted her in 12 days so I've stopped lil hoodlum Link to post Share on other sites
lil hoodlum Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 she respond "I'll be your friend but not yet. You hurt me too much yet." Crazy situation I know but what chance do you think I have? She wants to be my friend but is angry and hurt but did the dumping herself? I keep trying to make her tell me if its over for good but she just won't give me a definitive answer and resorts back to wanting to be friends or i don't want to talk about this anymore. This is pressuring her. This is making demands of her. She is telling you that she is willing at some point to be freinds for now. You do not need to go NC and ingnore her. You just need to be her friend when she needs it. Do not bring up anything about the past or relationship. Just listen to her, ask her how she is doing, how is her day, etc. Do not try to dig up any information. Just show her that you actually do care about her as a person. To tell you the truth, I don't know how many more chances you will get but I would suspect you are really pushing your luck. Just be cool and go with the flow. Give her a chance to respond with out making demands about where the two of you stand. If I were you, I would be apologizing for pressuring her and make demands from her. You need to tell her that you will stop this behaviour and then commit to doing it. Think about how you were acting and treating her when the two of you first started talking. I bet you weren't being pushy or demanding right? You were probably on your best behavior and very respectful, right? Try doing that again and see how she responds. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author steelgator Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 Well she said she will but not yet...i had to wait 3 weeks for her to cool down after our first argument over this and made contact but she was very receptive... i feel like if i reach out every other week or so because she needs space as well as a friend. I just don't want to be ignored or yelled at because I'll feel worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steelgator Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 and she hasn't been initiating any contact at all...so I'm scared to really do anything that's why I've been NC Link to post Share on other sites
BlazePT Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Well, the thing is, you pressured her too much. You have to respect her wish. Lol this is like a deja-vu for me. She told you the exact same thing my ex told me. Last time we talked (1 week after the BU) I asked her to tell me in my face that it was over so I could move on. She told me "what do you want me to say? I asked you for some time and space.. blah blah blah I don't know what the future will bring... yada yada yada" So how do I feel about this now? I'm cringing with the idea that I unconsciously shifted the balance of power to her, at the time. You did this as well; she has all the power right now and you can't keep this up either for her and for you. Point is,you can't do anything right now, buddy. Sticking to NC is the best option. She made it clear that she wanted to be friends but not now. Sticking around will only push her further away and hurt you even more. If she wants to come back, it must be by her own doing. You have to let her figure out her feelings and give her time to miss you. She will miss you, I'm sure of it, but you have to give her time and space for it. This doesn't mean she will be wanting to get back together, though... Link to post Share on other sites
Author steelgator Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 I know she will eventually come around...its just funny because we have so much sexual tension she gets extremely jealous if i have any relations with any other woman...so thats why this friend thing is confusing....like how could she handle being non-exclusive Link to post Share on other sites
BlazePT Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I know she will eventually come around...its just funny because we have so much sexual tension she gets extremely jealous if i have any relations with any other woman...so thats why this friend thing is confusing....like how could she handle being non-exclusive That's only normal. My ex also told me that she couldn't cope up immediately with the idea of me having sex with another woman, but that she couldn't hold me if I wanted to. Although she's not in love with you anymore, there's still the physical connection that won't go away for some time. I bet that if she had any kind of sexual activity with another guy at this time, she wouldn't help but remember you all the time. She would probably even end up crying and missing you. Link to post Share on other sites
lil hoodlum Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 and she hasn't been initiating any contact at all...so I'm scared to really do anything that's why I've been NC Ok, now I understand the situation a little better. The reason she doesn't initiate any contact is becuase she is afraid of getting hurt by you. She has basically guarded her heart by putting up walls around it. You really should give her an apology. Tell her you were wrong and that you are sorry that you hurt her feelings and you feel terrible that you have done things that have hurt her. You know that you can sometimes be insensitive to what she needs and that you are going to try your hardest not to do it again. Ask her what can you do to make it up to her. And finally ask her if she can forgive you. You need to give her time so that her heart can heal and hopefully open back up to you. You need to understand that her heart is nearly broken and that she probably doesn't trust you. You need to earn that trust back if you hope to have a future relationship with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steelgator Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 So i've thought of this. Hey, sorry for being such a big inconsiderate jerk. I acted that way because I was freaking out when I should have been relaxed like you said from the beginning. I understand the bigger picture now. I've been feeling so terrible and guilty lately about what I've done to you. I wish I could steal your pain away. Hope you feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steelgator Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 well i sent the apology text at 10:30 this morning...still no response. I hope she's just busy Link to post Share on other sites
lil hoodlum Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Well she has to respect that you manned up to apologize. Not many guys will apologize for the bad things we do. I'm sure your apology counts for something in her book. It is out of your hands now. Apologizing is the first stip to making ammends. You made that first step! The next step is hers. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
RogerWallace111 Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Sorry, but what hoodlum and blaze ??? Sounding like the types who insist the female's always in the right, and get whipped cause she's got a ****ing vagina ... I respect & straight worship women but they can play mind games, etc just as well as men. he should be apologizing to her ? because she broke up with him and wouldn't give him any clear answer on any possibility of a future ?? If talking to you was gonn give her anxiety she should have been clearer about what she wanted or told you to **** off. I agree you should've not kept asking her about it, but more for your own sake than hers. Go no contact asap, move on and maybe she'll see what she's missing/maybe she won't. Either way you'll be fine with time, you're young. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steelgator Posted July 4, 2012 Author Share Posted July 4, 2012 thanks...im goin back to NC now as she still hasn't responded to the apology...i feel so sad though i was at day 12 and because I apologized i have to start all over again. I'll update you guys if she finally texts back sometime so hopefully i'll be reposting in the near future. Link to post Share on other sites
Samilia Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 thanks...im goin back to NC now as she still hasn't responded to the apology...i feel so sad though i was at day 12 and because I apologized i have to start all over again. I'll update you guys if she finally texts back sometime so hopefully i'll be reposting in the near future. Well.. we told you not to.. but you did it anyway... you probably made it worse for the moment and now you know why. I'm sure it will eventually count for something in the future, but you also gave her all the power again on that one. Your attitude would make me run faster and further.. I agree with Roger, you should have left it alone. Live and learn the hard way is a good way to remember though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steelgator Posted July 5, 2012 Author Share Posted July 5, 2012 Well I will be visiting my fraternity house this weekend to party with my guy friends. However she frequents the place alot and shares many mutual friends. I was thinking if she shows up to just greet her with a nice hug/compliment then ignore rest of the time unless she initiates something. Good idea? Link to post Share on other sites
Author steelgator Posted July 8, 2012 Author Share Posted July 8, 2012 I had an epiphany today. I now see the big picture between the ex and me. Our constant arguing and clinginess to eachother led to our unhealthy relationship. But we deeply care about eachother. The only way to turn an unhealthy relationship into a healthy relationship is by salvaging a friendship. Which is what she has been wanting this whole time while trying to get me to relax because I wasn't realizing what was really taking place. If we got back together right away we would just run into the same problems, that's why she wouldn't budge and take me back. That's why she said at the beginning of the summer that this time apart may be good. I am going to look at my wrongs and see how I can better myself and so is she. Once the dust and resentment has settled between us we can hopefully start a new and healthy relationship. But now is the time for self growth. I am truly happy right now Link to post Share on other sites
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