Jason02 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 So I didn't think I would get to this part of the forum, the second chances. i honestly thought my relationship was over, but she came back. But things seem off. I know this site has help me get through the highs and lows of NC and recent breakup, so I figure maybe it can help me out with now. Long story short, gf of 8 year says 2 months ago she is unhappy needs a break, needs to find herself, do more things on her own. Says she doesn't want to break up, will not tell people she is broken up. says there isn't anyone else(and I do believe her). I take it pretty bad we do NC for most of the time, i break it every once in a while with a text. I assume its over, start to move on, do new things for my own, learning to play an instrument, dance classes, reconnect with old friends. Doing what she says she wants to do. Im doing much better since the break. Next thing i know she calls wants to meet. we meet and talk. She says now that she wanted a break because she felt like we were a routine and she needed a break from it. says she didn't feel wanted by me, which i guess i can see where she would get that feeling. She wants to make it work but we just need to change. So my thing is this, before like a month ago I would be jumping for joy at this, but now not so much. I don't feel as excited as i thought i would. I am happy she came back, and i did miss her, but something just feels off. i don't know how to act around her. like myself before or a new way? but how? I know we need to change the way we do things, but how? Is this feeling of "off" from trying to find a new way to be around each other? That we haven't seen each other in 2 months? or am i really just finding us wrong now? before all this, I loved her more than anything else in the world. I was planning on proposing later this year. Now i am not so sure. And whats getting to me is i thought her reason for leaving was because she needed to find herself, but now it turned into she just wanted us to not be a routine and feel wanted. I feel like if it was the second one, she could have just told me instead of asking for a break. Any advice?
Mariana345 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Hum... This seems dificult... I read this book that has this phrase: "it's called breakup because it's broken" I think that something inside you just start cracking... I think that you need a new relationship... with each other. I mean, if you two are willing to try. I think that you two are disillusioned from each other, and the long relationship. You know, rutine is a killer... You just need to start the game of attracting again. As if you were in a complete new relationship, going to dates at new places, trying new experiences... And sharing the diferent people that you are after this two months... because people DO CHANGE! Every day we change...
Author Jason02 Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 Thank you Mariana345. I do want to try, but I just really don't know where to start. And also the other thing is that she says now its because she felt unwanted. Well I can see where she comes from with that and how i kind of took her for granted like i knew she would always be there regardless of what i try to do, i never tried taking her somewhere new, i did cut back on the lovey type moves. But my thing now is when she said she wanted a break it made me feel unwanted. I still am feeling heistant to try. I want her to make me feel wanted. so i think my issue now is who should make who feel wanted more? I know we should both try, but What if I feel like I am trying too much and she isn't? Then I think I would just get more upset than anything.
lil hoodlum Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Jason02 I understand where you are coming from. You are confused because she is telling you different things and you aren't sure what to believe. What I don't understand is instead of telling you how she was feeling and what she was wanting she decided to just walk away. I think that is a pretty crummy way to treat someone. Relationships are a two way street. If she was unhappy then she should have spoken up about her feelings and given you a chance to respond. You should first find out what behaviours of yours was making her feel unwanted. From there you can decide what you need to do to meet her emotional needs. You also need to tell her what your emotional needs are and give her an opportunity to meet your needs as well. I understand all of this because my (on break) girlfriend has said the same things and I feel the same way as you. I have decided that I would place her wants and needs before mine in order to make her happy and secure. If she is happy then I would be happy. It is hard because someone does have to take the initiative. When you take the time to meet and exceed her emotional wants and needs and she looks at you in only that way she can (that tells you that you are the best), then you know you are on the right path. Good luck, I know you can do it!
Author Jason02 Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Thanks Lil Hoodlum. Exactly what I mean. She should have just told me to change and given me a chance to. but she didn't. I can try to forgive that, but my other thing is that she wants to feel wanted and loved. OK i get that. I can do that. She wants to change up the routine. Ok I can do that. Not sure how but I can try. But her just walking away from me makes me feel unwanted. Makes me feel unloved. If anything she needs to work to so i can gain that feeling from her again. but I don't think she sees it that way. So far she hasn't really tried. and im somewhat trying. I havent given it 100% becuase I don't feel like she is. So I think we might end up back at where we were.
Mariana345 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Thanks Lil Hoodlum. Exactly what I mean. She should have just told me to change and given me a chance to. but she didn't. I can try to forgive that, but my other thing is that she wants to feel wanted and loved. OK i get that. I can do that. She wants to change up the routine. Ok I can do that. Not sure how but I can try. But her just walking away from me makes me feel unwanted. Makes me feel unloved. If anything she needs to work to so i can gain that feeling from her again. but I don't think she sees it that way. So far she hasn't really tried. and im somewhat trying. I havent given it 100% becuase I don't feel like she is. So I think we might end up back at where we were. Uhm... I get it know... Well, something I can tell for sure... The thing about putting her needs before yours... is not going to work that good either... my ex did that and he got tired, that make him feel like he was not himself anymore (and that's why he dumped me :/) Have you tell her about it? That you TOO feel unappreciated, and you TOO have some needs? She needs to know that she is not the only one with doubts right know... If not, you are going to try all by yourself, get tired, and maybe hate your partner... And you still have love, so protect that... A relationship is made of two completed people, not half of them...
Author Jason02 Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 I agree Mariana345. I don't want to put her needs in front of mine. I want them both to be as equal. I haven't talked to her about this, but i will. I just don't want her to think I trying to dwell on this, but I don want to get that point across. She has told me the break wasn't done with malice intentions, but that she just felt frustated. We haven't said anything romatic to each other yet like I love you. Im kind of wait for her, and i dont know if she is waiting for me. But I think I should talk to her or this will just build into something bigger. Although, the little voice inside my head of reasoning is saying something might be wrong with her. Like maybe she is also having doubts, but I don't know really.
lil hoodlum Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Uhm... I get it know... Well, something I can tell for sure... The thing about putting her needs before yours... is not going to work that good either... my ex did that and he got tired, that make him feel like he was not himself anymore (and that's why he dumped me :/) Have you tell her about it? That you TOO feel unappreciated, and you TOO have some needs? She needs to know that she is not the only one with doubts right know... If not, you are going to try all by yourself, get tired, and maybe hate your partner... And you still have love, so protect that... A relationship is made of two completed people, not half of them... I guess I should clarify, you don't ignore your own needs but that you actually make meeting there needs a priority. Yeah, if your partner is not making any effort to meeting your needs than you really don't have much of a relationship.
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