Question for the betrayed spouses

[dreamingoftigers]

Told me that the reason our marriage was so stressful was because we had 3 dogs. He had been gone off and on and the four of us would all cuddle on the bed together. I did not want to keep just one dog because she would be lonely and they were my best friends. He pushed for me to give the two up. (I cared for them fully, but he said just having them was too much). I gave the sisters up to one home. I found out right after that he had been cheating on me the whole time.

 

Social Services came to investigate allegations about his addiction. He admitted to his issues (mostly) then proceeded to tell them that I was hardly innocent. He claimed I was a total mental case who couldn't care for my daughter at all and the cause of his addictions issues. I asked what the Hell he was thinking, he said "I didn't want it to be all my fault. It's not like they are going to do anything. She said she was going to work with us." 2 days later they took my daughter. I had to go on a waiting list for MONTHS for a parenting assessment, domestic violence victim courses (because he trashed thr house before he left us last year and bit me in retaliation for dumping him) mental health evaluation, and reattachment therapy for my daughter because she was placed in foster care in the first place. She was gone five months. I could see her twice a week for two hours. Luckily every other professional I encountered passed me through the assessments. He was not so lucky: addictions treatment, not allowed to see his daughter for two months, domestic violence program, verification that he wasn't currently using substances or viewing illegal material (he wasn't). Plus a whole bunch of other stuff.

 

He dumped me once on my birthday telling me I "just wasn't attractive anymore"

 

He trashed my room, breaking items from my childhood. He dumped out a humidifier and I swear I think he peed on my bed (very very drunk) (he staunchly denies this). The same night he called me crappy names like "dumb slut" and "****ing idiot."

 

Stole $300.00 from our joint chequing account. Came back later for the remaining $20. Left me with zilch.

 

Told me such embarrassing lies that I feel ashamed to this day.

 

Accused me of faking my daughter's pneumonia when she was nine months old to "manipulate him into coming back." (blah ha ha, right)

 

Purposely told me about his sexual activities to flaunt them and really hurt me.

 

Used an article I gave him on improving relations with women to completely

ignore me and pick up other women.

 

There's more, that's all I can think of off of the top of my head.

 

Oh wait, wait. Skimmed money from our company to buy himself a laptop that he kept stashed in the garage to go to wireless connections to look up porn and hook up with other women. At the time I thought we were so broke that we didn't get each other Christmas presents, and we couldn't pay the electric bill, so we got disconnected.

 

Would regularly pick fights with me to leave overnight and tell me it was my fault.

 

When I found him relapsing with alcohol he told me to "get over it or leave."

 

Did not give me one dime in child support while we were separated, including her childcare. He bought himself a car instead. And things for his friends.

 

Would crawl over me while I was sleeping in bed to go watch porn/try to hookup with others.

 

Yeah, that's it for now. Hmm.... No wonder I feel like things in counseling are stagnant. We haven't touched any of this yet.

 

 

 

My husband

[Sadwife37]

I always end up here on my worst days. Misery loves company I guess. You have all been where I am.

I don't know if I would call it spiteful, but certainly hurtful and cruel. My H gaslighted like crazy. I knew he was having an A. And it was driving me crazy. He denied, denied, denied. Finally he convinced me to start IC to work on my trust and insecurity issues. I saw a C and discussed how I was driving my wonderful H away because I couldn't trust and was seeing evidence everywhere when really he was a perfect H. The C said I had generalized anxiety disorder and put me on meds. Never once did the C say, gee maybe you are right! My H convinced me I was crazy when actually I was just intuitive. I said so often "I just know it, I can feel it" and I did know. I always felt like I knew, But I was willing to try anything for my family. And he begged and pleaded for me to believe him saying he would never risk our family, etc.

We are working very hard at Reconciliation, but the level of betrayal and deception makes it very painful. 7.5 months from D-day and NC and I am still very full of hurt.

[Janesays]

Emptied out all my bank accounts. Liquidated and hid all my assets. Cut off all my credit cards. And then asked me for a divorce.

[Leigh 87]

holy fcken sh*t.

 

 

 

I cannot imagine the man I have fallen in love with, becoming a monster!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

 

 

 

How the hell were you able to get so close, only for them to totally change?

 

I do not even think my bf is capable of doing those things to me?!

 

 

Dreaming of tigers - how did he compell you to like him? Was he a really good actor, and did he ACT like he really did care for you? How does one mask such a hideous nature?

[96nole]

I cried for hours when I read this. The answer is NO, he didn't. I did exactly what I told him I would do if he betrayed me again. I ruined him , pretty much.

He has had to put away some aspirations, had to change his lifestyle. in the divorce I took all that I could, and got..even by my own reasoning, more than I should have. I fought and fought and fought. And I won.

 

Yet, you know, here I am. trying to figure out how I became the kind of person who could do that. How I am still a woman so pissed off, so ...I have this general mistrust of the world. I'm trying to be healthy and do good things for other people and myself...but still.

 

I'm angry that in the end, when I did exactly what I told him I would do...that he seemed so genuinely hurt and surprised. None of it needed to be this way. he should have divorced me, he should have let me go with just a broken heart and freaking left me...instead of begging and pleading and making me stand by my ultimatum.

 

When I first wrote my question I was actually wincing expecting your answer to be "yes, he did".

 

You question how you became the kind of person who could do what you did. What did you really do other than to fight for yourself? He stabbed you twice. You told him exactly what you would do if he betrayed you again. He has no business being genuinely hurt and surprised. He was warned what would happen.

 

You're right, it didn't need to be that way. He should have just divorced you. But he chose to betray you for a second time. There are consequences to our actions. His are that he had lost a lot more than he thought and had to change his lifestyle. If you feel you got more that you should have, then give some back if you can.

 

Be proud you stood up and fought for yourself. But don't let someone like him ruin you for others. I'm still riding this damn roller coaster. The past few days have felt like I was on the down part of the ride. I've been asked by several people over the past few months if I would get married again. I have always answered with a resounding "YES". Because I am not going to let some lying, cheating, disrespectful, dishonorable, whore ruin me and my future happiness. Neither should you. Or any of us.

 

 

:( I am so sorry to read this. I think I felt that way for a while. I feel like I was forced into the position of having to stand my ground in such away that it took a part of who I was away.

 

And if you didn't stand your ground, you still would have lost a part of who you were and gained nothing. By standing your ground, you may have lost a part of who you were, but I'll bet you gained more than you lost.

 

 

Dreamingoftigers: Oh dear God!!!!! How have you not shot him in the face with a bazooka!!???

[merrmeade]

Wow. I'm in week 5 post D-day reading this. I've been s-l-o-w-l-y processing my WS's affair with my SIL and dealing with trickle truth. This thread seems like a real treat. The best part about LS (besides incredibly helpful advice like doing a quick run through stages) is getting all your sh-- out on "paper."

 

This thread is a real eye-opener, especially the posts from the people who have also been helping me. It's humbling. They have gone or are going through the same or worse sh-- than mine and yet they focus so carefully and accurately on my situation when there.

 

So on with the list - what's the prize?

 

Spiteful (will have to think of more in this category):

Most recent: His backlash to make me look worse than him. This was yesterday, following the 2nd or 3rd D-day in which I'd found out, duh, they actually did have sex (instead of the cockamamie petting story I'd been buying):

Thinking it was a big, double whammy that would make us even, he spewed oatmeal out with this great accusation, "And you wanted to abort X and Y!" (X and Y are our children - chromosomes also) with great emotion and crying. He has never mentioned his problem with this before. As someone commented,"Clearly the best choice for him to deal with the trauma of your thoughts of abortion a few decades ago was to go and screw your brother's wife for a few years. I'm sure it helped the whole family."

 

Not necessarily spiteful, just stupid, self-serving and incredibly dumb and insensitive (remember it's all still pretty fresh):

- Had sex with my SIL - wife of my brother, paralyzed in a nursing home, in both of our houses (both houses are actually my brother's) for more than a year.

 

- Lied about it until I found out.

 

- Lied about whether they'd had sex and actually convinced me that it was just petting until I got it out of him. And this, after I'd given him an ultimatum about telling me everything.

 

- Asked me what fragrance I was putting on and if I knew anything about the new Japanese scents. (I said I did and tried to remember one.) Later, I found a mail order sent to OW for such a scent on her birthday in 2010.

 

- I found a mail order for same sent to her for 2011 birthday ALONG WITH the male version (for himself). When asked about it, he said it was a group gift along with her sons and my son (yes, corroborated by my son).

 

- Said he did not remember the conversation above. He not only was defensive about it but said I was overreacting. He and she (she is my SIL) have worn these scents in my presence.

 

- Cooked and cleaned every time SIL and sons came to visit (ostensibly my paralyzed brother) - pies, canned fruits, ethnic dishes, specialty dishes - which he never did for his own family and never does when I am here.

 

- Convinced my brother to let him build him a new house to live in (didn't happen and won't happen) so he could have a job, when everyone knows that my brother can never leave the nursing home.

 

- Made a good part of his income doing work for SIL over the past two years.

 

- Took my son with him. My son recently assured his siblings that nothing could have happened between them because he (while putting his own career on hold) was there just so he could monitor his father's and aunt's comings and goings.

 

There's more but maybe later when my blood pressure goes down...

Edited July 6, 2012 by merrmeade

[Steen719]

It is all so related to the lying and cheating, but the things that stand out to me one year + after 2nd d-day are:

 

 

• Gaslighting (but this did not work as well the 2nd time around)
  
• The fact that there was a 2nd time
  
• Did this to me after I had taken care of him before, during and after his illness/transplant
  
• After the start of his 2nd affair, while we were in the other city for a week for his one year post transplant check-up, he was unbelievably cruel, calling me F***ing bi*ch and other names, called other women and stayed for hours and hours on the computer in the lobby of the motel
  
• Put me in significant debt while I was the responsible and steady one throughout most of our marriage and while I worked while he got his nursing degree with my help with his classes.
  
• Refused to let me stay in the house alone and pay the payments until it sold and subsequently stopped making his half of payments and now the house will foreclose and I will most likely have to file bankruptcy
  
• Brought the new girlfriend (different one from affair, but still started while we were still married and living together, but going to divorce) to the home I had for 15 years after agreeing that neither of us would do that and continues to bring her every other weekend. She sleeps on my side of the bed, parks in my spot, cooks in my kitchen.
  
• Changed the locks on the doors of my house to ensure I would not come there when he and gf were there and asked son not to tell me he had changed them. Son did not know why, but did not tell me. (H changed the locks back when I threatened to let my lawyer take care of it)
  
• Chooses his new gf every time over our son.
  
• Acts as if the last 23 years never happened and he is on to his new, happy life
  
• Continues to blame me and has the insight of a bug.
  

It is all so sad that we all have to think about what the people we loved did to us, but I have to say, Dreamingoftigers, what your H did to you related to your daughter must have been so devastating that I cannot imagine how that affected you.

 

 

UGH, this felt yucky!

[Jethro]

One word (or two... I don't know)... Facebook. She used it as a weapon.

[merrmeade]

[decide to delete - wasn't really post-worthy next to these humbling stories] How does one delete a post? Is it possible?

Edited July 6, 2012 by merrmeade

[96nole]

[decide to delete - wasn't really post-worthy next to these humbling stories] How does one delete a post? Is it possible?

 

I didn't see what you originally posted but why do you think it was not post worthy? You are obviously in a pretty nasty situation yourself.

[96nole]

Here's one I haven't mentioned here in a while. My ex and I were supposed to go on a cruise the first week of March this year with her parents. The cruise was completely paid for back in December. Since D-Day #2 was in February this year, I told her I wasn't going on the cruise. She said she would cancel it. She didn't cancel it, she took my name off the ticket and put the dirtbags name on it.

 

She took the dirtbag on the cruise that we had been planning since Sept of 2011, paid for in Dec 2011, and her parents were OK with it. These are the same people that were referring to me as much of a son to them as their own son.

 

3 weeks after D-Day #2, the whore was off on the 7 day cruise I was really looking forward to, with her dirtbag

 

In response to me telling her how disrespectful it is, her response was: "Well you said you weren't going to go so I took him. I guess you shouldn't have said you weren't going."

Edited July 6, 2012 by 96nole

[reboot]

Damn that's cold.

[Spark1111]

Things I told my fWS I would never forgive in this lifetime:

 

The OW, a co-worker, showed up at my FIL's funeral in some dramatic, over-the-top display of support, and snubbed me! I tried to greet her and thank her for coming, as I did his other colleagues, and she angrily stared at a point over my shoulder.

 

I thought she was deaf!

 

My FIL adored me and told me often he thought I was the BEST thing to ever happen to his son. Five months later on DDay, I would figure out who she was, where she lived, who she'd been married to when I had to write thank you for attending the funeral cards.

 

To have that memory tainted by her presence, as I really believe she thought she'd be the next Mr. Spark has caused me to tell my H a F*U from my grave!

 

He ordered flowers for both of us on Mother's Day from the same local florist I ordered our children's prom corsages and boutaniers.

 

Her bouquest cost MORE. This was a woman who routinely called her xH an azz#ole in front of her young son.

 

When asked why, he said, Poor blank. She never got that. Wonder why?

 

Lastly, he had an expense account related to his new position that I knew nothing about. He used it to wine and dine her in stlye while I worked three jobs in my misguided effort to support him and his new goals.

 

I briefly investigated filing a nuisance suit, naming names, to recoup the money in civil court as it was joint marital assets. Had a lot of fun with that one. Decided against it.

[merrmeade]

Wow. Just wow.

 

Puts another weird situation with my H (they have started floating up from the past as I understand more and more) in perspective:

He was working on the magnum opus, diagnosed with cancer but not treating yet, garnering a universe of admiration and sympathy. I was half a globe away, working, rearing our children. A lady masseuse from the US helped him with his leg cramps, organized a meal brigrade for him and generally tried to save the hero since his wife sucked. I visited for a month and she did the number you just described. I thanked her for helping H in front of about 60 people, and she snubbed me, didn't answer, looked at the air like no one was there. I told her later her help was no longer needed.

 

I asked him about her in the recent D-days, if there was a physical liaison. His answer (be prepared; it's chilling), "No, I just used her."

Edited July 6, 2012 by merrmeade

[Spark1111]

I wanted to add:

 

I can almost laugh at the lunacy of these actions 4.5 years after dday. They do not hurt me anymore. But they STILL kill him. He winces in pain and disgust at any mention of this time. More so, now that I find it so...stupid!

 

For me, they point to two unstable, dramatic damsels and dumsels in distress that needed to rebel against their mean mommy and daddy, not Spark! Not OW's xH who has seemingly moved on to happy family life with a new woman.

 

It was sooooo juvenile, sooooo immature. Soooooo laughable, ONLY in retrospect.....ONLY with the passage of a lot of time.

 

This is why I believe in exposure. This is why I believe in "go get her and don't let the door hit you on the way out."

 

Without secrecy, drama, unrequited love...it went psssssst in about three weeks.

 

If they had married, I predicted it would have lasted less than two years without anyone to rebel against.

 

Unless they needed to save face and prove to the world their love was real...then it would've lasted longer but with little true happiness.

[Spark1111]

Wow. Just wow.

 

Puts another weird situation with my H (they have started floating up from the past as I understand more and more) in perspective:

He was working on the magnum opus, diagnosed with cancer but not treating yet, garnering a universe of admiration and sympathy. I was half a globe away, working, rearing our children. A lady masseuse from the US helped him with his leg cramps, organized a meal brigrade for him and generally tried to save the hero since his wife sucked. I visited for a month and she did the number you just described. I thanked her for helping H in front of about 60 people, and she snubbed me, didn't answer, looked at the air like no one was there. I told her later her help was no longer needed.

 

I asked him about her in the recent D-days, if there was a physical liaison. His answer (be prepared; it's chilling), "No, I just used her."

 

Yes, that is what my H said too: "So WHAT? I F'd her!" As IF that absolved him of his atrocious treatment of me and our children.

 

So, if he had to talk of undying love, future-faking, and all the other nonsense to get laid and loved (I believe she did love him) then that's what he did.

 

I read recently that those involved in romantic affairs will sacrifice it all to keep those hormones flowing like Romeo and Juliet. They tend to exhibit characteristics of bi-polar and narcisism...at least while in the affair.

[merrmeade]

I read recently that those involved in romantic affairs will sacrifice it all to keep those hormones flowing like Romeo and Juliet. They tend to exhibit characteristics of bi-polar and narcisism...at least while in the affair.

 

Yes, no matter what age. It's amazing. I like that "characteristics of bi-polar and narcisism." That's a great one for my H the Narcissist and SIL the bi-polar freak. Perfect. Is that like a formula maybe that creates a kind of EM dysfunctional symbiosis or something? Or am I getting off topic?

Edited July 6, 2012 by merrmeade

[96nole]

The more I've been reading about narcissism, the more I see my ex has it big time. Earlier today I was reading an online article "how to manipulate a narcissist". It describes them and their actions. As I read it, I kept saying, "yep that's her, that one too, she did that, she said that...."

 

Looking back, I can see that there were little signs of it years ago. But not much. It appears to have really exploded over the past year and a half. I don't know if there was a lot and she covered it, or if there was a little and it greatly grew. I think I'll try and look up why it manifests itself into such greater proportions in a short period of time as hers did.

[merrmeade]

May be a pre-requisite for cheating. Makes sense.

[Furious]

My husband is not a smoker, and he told me when we were dating that he could never marry a smoker.

 

He cheated on me with a woman who is an alcoholic, smokes, does pot and cocaine at parties. She goes to a lot of parties.

[Silly_Girl]

What is the most spiteful thing your WS did to you? Other than the act of cheating and lying to you.

 

After he left: Had a lock changed at my house, a door barely used, and came and went for weeks (possibly months) without my knowing. Removed the front door outside light bulb so if I was spooked and tried to turn the light on I wouldn't be able to see anything. Opened windows then made them look like it was closed but actually leaving the house insecure. Stole the log book for my car so I couldn't do anything with it. Contacted my FB friends and told them I was psycho and had been stalking him. Turned up drunk and trashed my garden and tried to get in to the house, several times. Tried to install a key logger. Tried to take out debt secured against the house I'm living in. Turned up at work, rung me from the car park and threatened to send my boss naked pictures of me if I didn't comply and speak to him, several times. Loads more. And lots before we split up too. A real charmer.

[96nole]

My husband is not a smoker, and he told me when we were dating that he could never marry a smoker.

 

He cheated on me with a woman who is an alcoholic, smokes, does pot and cocaine at parties. She goes to a lot of parties.

 

So what's the problem? He was truthful in saying he would never marry a smoker. He never said anything about cheating with an alcoholic, cigarette smoking, pot smoking, coke snorting, party slut. (sorry, the smartass in me is coming out.)

 

But wow, I don't recall you mentioning all those wonderful qualities of the panty-less princess before.

[Furious]

So what's the problem? He was truthful in saying he would never marry a smoker. He never said anything about cheating with an alcoholic, cigarette smoking, pot smoking, coke snorting, party slut. (sorry, the smartass in me is coming out.)

 

But wow, I don't recall you mentioning all those wonderful qualities of the panty-less princess before.

 

 

I guess that explains why she doesn't wear panties, she's too stoned or drunk to find them.

 

She's a winner.

[2.50 a gallon]

At about the same time we married she took a new job, and almost from the day we said I do I was fighting a gang of OM's who were her new co-workers.

 

I caught her making out with a guard where she works on a Tuesday and told her not to come home. She went home with the OM. A couple of days later She came by to get her things, and raved about her new BF, he was 10 years younger than me and a pretty boy body builder. That weekend, a neighbor OM had a victory BBQ for her and her new BF and several of her co-workers, at his place while his wife was away.

 

We lived in an apartment and shared a bedroom wall so they were extra loud for my benefit. I left for the evening, but had to come back home when the local bar closed. They seemed to know that I was home, and the neighbor put on the theme song from the stripper, and to the hoots and howls I knew she was stripping for them

[Steen719]

The more I've been reading about narcissism, the more I see my ex has it big time. Earlier today I was reading an online article "how to manipulate a narcissist". It describes them and their actions. As I read it, I kept saying, "yep that's her, that one too, she did that, she said that...."

 

Looking back, I can see that there were little signs of it years ago. But not much. It appears to have really exploded over the past year and a half. I don't know if there was a lot and she covered it, or if there was a little and it greatly grew. I think I'll try and look up why it manifests itself into such greater proportions in a short period of time as hers did.

 

So, I googled this as I truly believe my XH has at least some narcissistic personality traits and lo and behold, I may have found out why it was so easy for him to move on from a 22 year marriage.

 

"If you are separating from a narcissist, do not harbor thoughts of revenge. If you try to revenge, they will only turn against you and show no mercy. You end up being in a battle with a narcissist and that is not the place where you want to be. If a narcissist thinks you no longer love him or her, you will immediately become an insignificant character. At that point they simply move on to find another prey."

 

If I tried all day long, I could not find a passage that would better describe my situation. The minute he thought he had no chance to win me back, he said out loud, "OK, then I know what to do" and he got online, found an old friend (idk, could be an old gf as that is his usual choice) and started talking and went to see her almost immediately. There he is, to this day. I mean, I know people have to move on, but lightening moves slower...lol

 

96nole.....you too ^^^^^ on to a cruise with her new...(gulp and shudder)...love!

 

I think I will read up on this a little more...Good grief!