calndn Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I was with a guy for 5 months (knwn him for 2 years although in those 2 years i didnt see him it was all phone calls and texts) a wonderful 5 months of dinners weekends away chilling out together meeting friends him meeting my parents etc, he told me he liked me that he loved spending time with me etc. I ask him 5 months diwn the line where I stand with him, over text because I couldn't pluck up the courage to do it face to face. He then told me he wasn't looking for something serious but thinks I'm gorgeous and loves spending time with me and likes me. Not seeing anyone else. Life is too crazy/stressful for a gf (eventhough im not Expecting more from him just wanted to know where I stood!) Since then he's been distant and not getting in touch much so I said I wanted to know what was going on he eventually after a few messages said he thought he was ready for another relationship but realises he isn't and that he doesn't want to put that on me as he can't give me what I want and that's not fair on either of us. He reiterated how he loved spending time with me and thinks I'm an amazing girl but he wanted to be honest with me as that's what I deserve. I sent back saying I neve expected anything more from him just wanted to know where I stood and that I too love spending time With him and is it so bad if we enjoy eachothers company? Since then (this was also over text) I've heard nothing. Nada. This was nearly 2 weeks ago I haven't sent Anything else. I haven't seen him since before I sent the 'where do I stand' text, haven't even spoken to him on the phone. I feel so awful, like we had an amazing time and just because I say where do I stand it suddenly means we don't talk anymore? I keep going from...it's his problem and he's ruined it to 'I should never have said anything' and regretting it. I miss him and I keep replaying memories and how lovely he was. He literally ticked all the boxes he is everything I want in a man which is why I'm so hung up. It was only 5 months and really I suppose he as never even my boyfriend but I feel so upset and rejected and awful and I haven't had any closure really. It makes me sad that we just stop speaking and I don't know what to do anymore. Has anyone else been throu similar? X
Ruby65 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 You wanted to be his girlfriend and asked for the status of your relationship hoping he would make a commitment to you. Instead he said he doesn't want a relationship right now -- which isn't really true, it just means he doesn't want a relationship with you. You said that's fine with you -- which isn't really true, you want to be his girlfriend -- and that you'd like to continue seeing him anyway. He disappears. You want different things and neither of you have been very honest with the other. I think he disappeared because it was simpler than dealing with the emotional dishonesty between you at this point. I highly recommend you go NC and do your best to move on. This man knows you want more from him than he wants to give you and sadly it sounds like he's checked out. Don't count on him to give you closure. That comes from you, from moving on and healing and getting over him and finding someone even better. Nothing this guy says or does is going to make you feel any better at this point. He's already told you the most important thing: he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. Do you really need to hear anything more from him after that? It's his loss. Onward and upward! 3
Author calndn Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 Thankyou ruby, I Guess what I don't understand is everything he did for me and said and took me away for my birthday etc then to just check out after I ask him where I stand. Id understand if he was acting like he didn't care but he wasn't. It's hard to deal with too, why it is he doesn't want a relationship with me. It's horrid. But it is his loss it's just hard not to speak to someone after you have done nearly everyday for the last year. :-( I hate feeling this way xx
Ruby65 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 He was enjoying himself and enjoying being with you, but didn't consider you to be long-term relationship material. Who knows why he'd do this??? This is a behavior I've never once engaged in myself.... if I'm with someone, I'm WITH them and I don't waste my time with guys I don't see as potentially being The One. What's the point of spending months growing closer with someone you're not serious about? I've been in your shoes, though. It feels terrible!! The good news is, the cards are on the table NOW and you can walk away and start to heal.... and prepare yourself for your ultra-amazing next boyfriend!! 2
barese1 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I can relate massively to this situation. Pretty much the same thing happened to me. I haven't really got anything to add on top of what Ruby has said. The truth is, you wanted to be his gf and he didn't want that. I wanted to be her bf and she didn't want that. That is enough of a reason to realise they just weren't right. I hate to say this but we were both used. Hopefully after long enough NC we won't care anymore. I hope you get through this soon!
Author calndn Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 Thankyou thankyou I'm like you ruby I don't spend time with someone that I don't either see a future with or am not interested in not being in a relationship with...I just couldn't do it as I wouldn't be interested in them! It does feel terrible...spot on. I really hope I heal quickly and that someone else will come along as Im going through that 'I want find someone better' stage that we all think, I just hope I do find someone better! Barese - I hope I get through it soon too it's horrid and i do feel awfully used and betrayed. And confused!! But if they don't want it then yes they aren't right unfortunately :-( Xx
sweetheart5381 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Thankyou thankyou I'm like you ruby I don't spend time with someone that I don't either see a future with or am not interested in not being in a relationship with...I just couldn't do it as I wouldn't be interested in them! It does feel terrible...spot on. I really hope I heal quickly and that someone else will come along as Im going through that 'I want find someone better' stage that we all think, I just hope I do find someone better! Barese - I hope I get through it soon too it's horrid and i do feel awfully used and betrayed. And confused!! But if they don't want it then yes they aren't right unfortunately :-( This thread rings home on alot of levels. Except my ex pursued me for the longest time, wanted me to be his gf, all of his friends told me he was madly in love with me even though I was hesitant about his "supposed" feelings. My gut always felt off about it. He ditched me in the end. It killed knowing that he seemed to want me and love me, then turned tail and ran. He was making future plans with me one day then a few days later exited my life. Bottom line, whether a man says he knows what he wants or not, he really is clueless til he puts some effort into the relationship. Actions speak louder than words. It's not you my dear, it's him. You don't need to find a "better" man you need to find "real" man, that doesnt mess with others' emotions.
Author calndn Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Sweetheart - this guy although he never mentioned gf title or whatever he too would talk about future plans, tell me he had never been like this with anyone, all his friends too told me they hadnt seen him like this before. That's what makes it harder. Actions do speak much louder than words!! Thank you....I am getting there with the 'it's him and it's his problem not mine' I just do still think that he's off not caring or thinking about me whilst I'm left to pick up the pieces. Real men where are you?? Hehe xx
Sugarkane Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 That sux and I've had this type of breakup before. Then I looked on fb and he had a new gf. I felt sick. But in my case the guy was a complete Ahole you lied and stringed me along as much as possible. He then asked me back ( I wanted revenge), then stood me up and verbally abused me by text. It was only after that i found out he had a new gf, while asking me back.
PissOfMind Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Instead he said he doesn't want a relationship right now -- which isn't really true, it just means he doesn't want a relationship with you. I have to disagree. When I was dating a guy of that kind ( who behaved like my "legitimate boyfriend" only to tell me he didn't want to be in a relationship) I blamed myself for being not good enough ( "yea, he just doesn't want ME"). Nope. After some time I realised that's just the game he plays- he has never been in any serious relationship, but he had a real expertise in "hanging out", selling illusions and making his "girlfriends" dance to his beat. Which was not that difficult to make- he was really charming, blah blah blah and you got seduced easily- before you even realised, you started hoping for sth more. And then this whole managing down your expectations thing started: becoming distant, cold, "I really like you but I'm not in love with you" stuff etc. Only after some time, when I became distant as well and we went into kinda "friend" mode ( so to speak) he admitted that he just doesn't want to be with anyone, because a relationship is linked to responsibility for the other person and he doesn't want it, "he just wants to have fun" and never in his life has he given up his "comfort zone" for anyone. Talk about commintmentphobia or pure immaturity. Needless to say, once I had my epiphany , I walked away. Don't give this man any part of you- since when are relationships only about serving someone else's needs? Since when are they about constant waiting until the kid combusts into a grown-up man you expect him to be?. I was frustrated once I realised that there are men who find it no big deal to get laid , but they are horrified at the thought of being truly intimate with someone. Don't blame yourself for it- such men can't and don;t want to be intimate with ANYONE! As long as it's fun, they're ok with it, once you start expect sth from them, they show you their true colours. I personally feel much much better about myself without him in my life. And remember to see the whole picture, not only these good old days. We tend to focus on them instead of seeing bad things as well: this constant incertainty, asking questions which can't be answered , feeling rejected and not good enough. Eff it! There is someone out there with whom you won't have to think about the good old days,- you will be too busy enjoyng the present! Best! 3
Author calndn Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 this constant incertainty, asking questions which can't be answered , feeling rejected and not good enough. Eff it! There is someone out there with whom you won't have to think about the good old days,- you will be too busy enjoyng the present! Best! This really hit home, I forget that before I asked him where I stood I was constantly worried about it, thinking about it, wondering if ti was all too good to be true, which of course it was. I tell myself I shouldnt have said anything, gone with the flow etc but I know if I had done that I would still be driving myself mad wondering what we were. Eventhough when we were together we had an amazing time, when I wasnt with him I was always wondering what I was to him and that is never a good thing. I have good days and bad....today is a bad day where im thinking about him and how I hate him for making me feel the way I do now. I wish I had never let myself fall for him. Its so hard!! I jsut want to get over it.
PissOfMind Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) I went through exactly the same period of sadness, disappointment and anger.Only after some time I realised that what I really missed was not him but my hopes and dreams that never came true. And again, after a few months I felt that there is no point in missing someone whou could not deliver anything but empty words. You have probably noticed how sick it was- to be apparetnly close with someone and yet not being able to ask fundamental questions for fear of being rejected or hearing sth you don't want to hear? And watching your every step so that the guy doesn't think you're needy? For them, even when you just want to see them more regularly, you sound needy and you limit their space. Talk about sick perception! You should not apologise for your needs. And there is nothing wrong with you! You are a normal woman who treats others with respect and deserves to be treated with respect as well! He apparently can't offer you this. I understand your anger- I have been there. On my bad days I did fantasize about how it could be if he were different.( yea, but he's not,!)..on my very bad days I fantasised about taking revenge on him etc...it takes time to let it go, but it eventually happens. In my case it was after 6 months or so...but even then I sometimes thought "What the eff do you think you are to have messed with me like that?" Freedom comes after some time, but you need to help yourself. Meet your friends, people that are positive and that add some value to your life (this can';t be said about him, I think- if he adds anything to your life, this is only this uncertainty and self-doubt). Think about your hobbies, things you enjoy, It did help me! If you are a book-fan, I recommend the book by Steven Carter "Men who can't love". It's an amazing reading, after reading this I felt truly liberated. It gives you a full insight into the way those guys operate and most of all, proves that it's not your fault and all is fine with you. This is him who should seek help! Good luck! And feel free to vent here;) Edited July 4, 2012 by PissOfMind 1
Author calndn Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Thankyou pissofmind I feel myself nodding at your post. I think it is my hopes and dreams that I miss, of course I'm still in the stage of missing him terribly too but I know a big part is the hopes/dreams. I've fantasised about how it could have been and some days I'm like yeah middle finger to you I'm better than you then others I'm like I hate you you've made me so angry. I hope I get there fully soon, I feel at least better than I did a few weeks ago. Reading the first bit of your post about not being able to ask questions for fear of rejection etc/watching your every move etc is so right, with my ex I coud have said anything to him could have told him I wanted to see him every night of the week without the worry of feeling needy....with this guy I told him I liked him sure, he told me all sorts (stuff I think was all a lie now) but I could never have told him what I really felt or in fact could never have gone to him if I needed someone to be there for me. Realising that really makes me think he wasn't worth it. For the fun we had yes. But not for the turmoil. Thankyou for helping xxx
PissOfMind Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Seems we were both unfortunate enough to have dealt with the same type. Hopefully, you will treat it as an opportunity to draw conclusions and avoid similar "relationships'"in the future. The conclusions I drew were: 1) if you feel that you don't know where you stand , it's not a good sign 2) if you feel that you cannot express your expectations and feelings for fear of rejection, it's not a good sign, 3) if you feel you adapt your needs to his needs instead of sharing values and having the same goal, i.e serious relationship based on trust and respect, it's not a good sign. Now, once you have seen all of those signs and you know what they look like, you will have a chance to avoid similar scenarios in the future and it will be easier for you to recognize an a***hole. And of course, once you run away, you will never experience such mindeffery anymore. I remember myself feeling the same- trying to treat him like someone special even though he didn't really let me treat him like that. Such emotionally unavailable people build a wall around themselves so as not to be concerned with other people's needs and feelings. And that's why you couldn't count on him when you needed his support. Someone who has no understanding of his own emotions, cannot understand your emotions and your needs. Everything is fine with him as long as you don't bother him with what you feel, need and expect from him. Such guys are great when you look for pure fun, but they're a huge disappointment when it comes to serious relationships, based on the idea that you build something together. They simply don't want to build anything with anyone. Yet, they do not honour you with an official breakup, cos you can't break up with someone, you weren't with in the first place! And it's also great to have the door open in case he wants to have some fun with you again. But that will be it- fun. It's worth considering whether you should wait for someone who has so little to offer. Never in my life would I date someone (for so long) that I could sleep with but couldn't simply talk to on a bad day! Not anymore! And another thing- with these guys, you start believing you don't want a relationship, but it's not true. You DO want it, but he just manages down your expectations and you start dancing to his beat. At some point you may even agree to the most outrageous conditions he gives you, only not to lose him. In the meantime we hope, he will change and see how great we are... They may even see it and realise it, but changing their ways is far too much for them. As a result, your values and goals remain incompatible. I keep my fingers crossed for you, cos I know what it's like. And stay NC! You have already proven your strength, not begging him, nor pestering him. In some time, you will realise how better you feel out of this limbo he has put you in. Hugs! 2
Leigh 87 Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Something important to take away from this, is that it is NOT because your not good enough! Even an amazing girl who is fantastic in every way, will not " click" and be truly " enough'' on a deap, profound, relationship level, fvor EVERY mate she comes across. Sure - being a great version of yourself mazimises your chances of FINDING a mate that is suitable; a person with just as much potential as you, may sell themselves short because they are ]lazy and do not try to better themselves. I mean, really - this guy must have liked you to only have sex with you ( no other side pieces), and spend a great deal of time with you, and even taking you away on your b day. Clearly, he liked his time with you. Not every one clicks and can fall intot hat deap love place with each other! In fact, it is hard to find people who you can really ' go there" with........ It is not about being good enough, it is about having that raw feeling about a person; which is a combination of their inside and outside appeal! I hope you start to feel better! A good feeling you can also look forward to now, is feeling that great and BETTER with the right guy! Geez - it sure feels great to be happy with a guy, so imagine how great it will feel when it is with the RIGHT guy, when you BOTH mutually feel the same way, and on a deap level? I dated a LOT when I was younger, but did not find a good guy for me until I was 25.
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