Confusedwifey Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Hi, I'll try to keep this as short as I can. I'm 25, and my husband is 29. We have a 1 year old daughter and have been together for 5 years. Last week my husband and I separated. We've had problems for a long time and if I'm honest our relationship wasn't the best from day 1. From the beginning my husband lied to me about various things, said he had a house when he didn't, told me he'd given his sister money that we needed for food nappies etc coz she was in trouble but that was a lie he spent it, he took money from our daughters piggy bank and blamed me for it. Plus probably other things that he hasn't admitted, he recently told me the truth about these lies only since we've split though, however at the time he was addiment that he was being honest and made me feel bad for doubting him. He is very lazy and has always left me doing everything, I do the cleaning, washing most of the cooking, look after our daughter. Before I had my daughter I was working full time and doing everything round the house, he wouldn't even take the bin out when it's full. At one point I was working nights, looking after our daughter all day and still doing everything with no help from him, needless to say it got too much and I had to give up my job. He's very selfish, on our wedding night I got very drunk and passed out, in the morning I woke up to find that he'd opened all our cards and gifts without me, I didn't have a clue who had got us what and needless to say it was quite hurtful. This is just one example of many. He is wreckless with money, when planning the wedding he is in the army and was based over in Germany so I was planning the wedding here alone. We agreed that we'd both put £500 towards the wedding each month and he was supposed to send the money to me, this happened twice maybe? I ended up paying for pretty much everything myself and got into debt to be able to afford it. I know what you're probably thinking, why on earth did I marry him, but I guess love is blind and when you love someone that much you only want to see the good in them and that's clearly what I did. Since we've been married, I sold my land rover which was my dream car in order to buy him a car and bought myself a cheaper car. Big mistake. I've now ended up with a car that failed its mot and was too expensive to fix so now have no car. Still in debt as the husband decided to put us into debt management, which meant less outgoings every month, however we could have paid off our debts well before now when I was working before we had our daughter. I'm just fed up. We argue a lot, aren't very nice to each other, I resent him. He always moans about us not having sex much, but how can I have sex with someone I'm always pissed of at. He's ungrateful and embarrasses me in public of around family and friends by saying personal things about me. He has no consideration for others and for their feelings. He used to have a very bad temper which has improved over the past year, but he used to throw things and smash them up. He has in the past been very intimating but has never been violent to me. We both don't have much of a social life. We live in army quarters a few hours away from my family. I'm quite shy and find it hard making friends so I don't have many friends round here. If I have friends or family to visit then my husband makes it awkward. He never bothered to make people feel welcome and often creates an atmosphere. He spends most of his time lazing around on the sofa or playing games. We never have money, I have to struggle to get the things I need to for our daughter. Despite all these things I'm sure I still love him somewhere deep down. Over the past year or so things have taken a huge downhill turn. I feel myself resenting him, hating him at times. I have had a constant battle in my head whether to call it a day or to keep fighting for our marriage. We went to marriage councilling but it changed noting, he never stuck to the suggestions. We decided he'd take the bins out, that was his only job around the house and lasted less than a week. We often had arguments and he'd admit how lazy he is and promised me he'd help out more but that would only last a couple of days then back to how it was before. I've never felt so exhausted, depressed and at the end of my tether. We split up a few times the last couple of months but never for very long. Last week we had a stupid argument and something in my head clicked and told me I couldn't do this anymore so I told him to leave. After some stubbornness from him he finally left and got a room in the block on camp. He was quite hostile towards me for a couple of days then all of a sudden told me he couldn't live without me and he'd doing anything to get me back. He said he'd change. He knows all the problems were his fault coz he was making me so unhappy by the way he was acting. I told him its too late, I can't keep putting myself through it. He then started with suicide threats. I called the army welfare service as was worried he was going to harm himself (ironically, an ex of mine actually slit his wrists when I broke up with him so I had to do something in case this was gonna happen again). The army welfare service brought him into their offices and called me in. They suggested a cooling off period and I agreed to see a professional to see if they think there's anything that can be salvaged from our marriage. However I'm torn. My husband is a mess, he's been crying everyday, every time I see him he cries and tells me how much he loves me and will make it work with us and will do everything to make me happy. I just don't think I believe him anymore. I've never seen him like this though, so maybe he really does mean it this time. I'm just so confused. I know I love him but I don't feel for him anywhere near what I used to. I don't think I can trust him again and I'm sure he's lying to me again about smoking (we both gave up a month a go and he said he's had 3 cigarettes since we split but he has smelt of smoke a few times that I've seen him, I just think he's lying) But every time he's come round to see our daughter he's done my washing up or taken the bins out. He even bought me flowers which he never does. He said that this has opened his eyes and he knows how bad he's been, he's determind to change for us. Do I give him yet another last chance or would I be stupid? He is about a month away from leaving the army, he has nothing lined up, nowhere to go no job, and quite frankly without me and our daughter he has nothing. (leaving the army was his choice by the way). I hate seeing him like this and it makes me feel bad, like it's my fault. I don't want to be the reason that my daughter doesn't have her daddy around all the time and I don't wanna throw away my marriage. All I want is for us all to be happy. How do you know when you've done all you can? When is it enough? We are currently waiting for some professional help, but this will take another week or so to arrange. I need some advice/opinions please. P.s. sorry for the long post.
Tallblueyed Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Hi Confused. Your question of whether to give him another chance is loaded. Your post outlines behaviors and negative attributes that will only solicit neutral or responses to run; which is what you might want to hear. Most will suggest MC, some will suggest IC for him - but I think IC for yourself would be best. With in a few paragraphs you went from "loving him somewhere deep down" to "knowing you still love him"...confused, yes. I understand, trust me. I have been in a marriage laced with infidelity and I have made all the excuses in the world. My self-esteem is crushed and I am finally putting my foot down and looking out for numero uno. Love is not enough for me, I need a delicate balance of love, friendship, trust and compromise. You need to define your own happiness and realize that it is your responsibility to protect yourself - even from those you love. Good luck, I hope that you are not just posting to 'vent' - you need to make real decisions with real actions (and stick to them). His resulting actions (not words) will speak volumes - regardless, you will have started down a path of rebuilding and repair, with or without him. Keep us posted.
YellowShark Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I am not a doctor but from what you write your husband really sounds like he has Borderline Personality Disorder. Or BPD. Google it... and read up on it, and see if he fits the profile. Statistically 95% of marriages where one partner has BPD fail.
Author Confusedwifey Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Hi Confused. Your question of whether to give him another chance is loaded. Your post outlines behaviors and negative attributes that will only solicit neutral or responses to run; which is what you might want to hear. Most will suggest MC, some will suggest IC for him - but I think IC for yourself would be best. With in a few paragraphs you went from "loving him somewhere deep down" to "knowing you still love him"...confused, yes. I understand, trust me. I have been in a marriage laced with infidelity and I have made all the excuses in the world. My self-esteem is crushed and I am finally putting my foot down and looking out for numero uno. Love is not enough for me, I need a delicate balance of love, friendship, trust and compromise. You need to define your own happiness and realize that it is your responsibility to protect yourself - even from those you love. Good luck, I hope that you are not just posting to 'vent' - you need to make real decisions with real actions (and stick to them). His resulting actions (not words) will speak volumes - regardless, you will have started down a path of rebuilding and repair, with or without him. Keep us posted. Thank you for you reply. I am very confused you're right. One minute I think that I can't take much more of his behaviour and I feel like he's ruined my life financially, and that I won't ever be able to trust him again, then the next I think about life without him and it scares me. I don't wanna be alone, I don't want my daughter to not have her dad around all the time and I just feel so alone without him. I also desperately don't want to hurt him and I know all this is killing him. He accepts that the breakdown of our marriage is mainly due to his actions and I do believe there is a chance all this has shown him what he has to lose. Without us he literally has nothing. he says he will change, he will do everything to make me happy, but does this really happen? Is this really possible? He is a master at lying, he has said he'd change before (not quite like he is now though mind), I fell for it over and over again and I can't keep getting hurt and let down by him. But what if he really means it this time? What if we can be the happy family I've always wanted and dreamed of? I just can't seem to decide whether to risk one last chance. I probably did need to 'vent' in some respect, but that is not the reason for my post. I really feel stuck and this is a huge decision that I am struggling with.
Author Confusedwifey Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 I am not a doctor but from what you write your husband really sounds like he has Borderline Personality Disorder. Or BPD. Google it... and read up on it, and see if he fits the profile. Statistically 95% of marriages where one partner has BPD fail. Hi ya, I googled it and I see what you mean but I don't think he has. He threatened to kill himself if I didn't take him back but i don't think his threats were real. I think they were for attention, or his way of getting what he wants, he is the type to do anything to get what he wants. Since then I have asked him if he meant it and he said no he wouldn't have actually gone through with it. He doesn't seem to have a problem with being alone, he was in the army for 7 years before we met and had no one really, like not even a long term girlfriend. His anger I think has a lot to do with pent up issues and adjustment to the changes in his life as it seems to be ok now and the money thing has always been a problem of his. I suppose he does have some of the traits so it may be a possibility. I may have to look into it a bit further, thank you
darkmoon Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 vastly improving behaviour can happen - i saw a guy get a round of applause on womens' TV for this very thing, i'm looking at what you wrote, it looks bad that he has no plans after the army, you can only see what transpires, but he should be thinking breadwinner or half of two breadwinners, unless he wants to be a househusband.
Author Confusedwifey Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 vastly improving behaviour can happen - i saw a guy get a round of applause on womens' TV for this very thing, i'm looking at what you wrote, it looks bad that he has no plans after the army, you can only see what transpires, but he should be thinking breadwinner or half of two breadwinners, unless he wants to be a househusband. That gives me a bit of hope, but I'm wondering if he really would be able to do it. Yeah it is bad he has no plans. I've been the one looking for housing, getting him to apply for jobs and I've asked family members if anyone could help him out, one can help him out with a security job, but he needs to get himself on a course to get his licence and he still hasn't done this even though the army will pay for this as part of resettlement. He's now saying he's getting himself booked on the course. But it's only because of all this that's happened, and I know he's trying to prove to me that he can be the person I need and want him to be. There's no way he could be househusband. He's not great with our little girl, and never does anything round the house. I'd end up doing everything plus working.
Tallblueyed Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Thank you for you reply. I am very confused you're right. One minute I think that I can't take much more of his behaviour and I feel like he's ruined my life financially, and that I won't ever be able to trust him again, then the next I think about life without him and it scares me. I don't wanna be alone, I don't want my daughter to not have her dad around all the time and I just feel so alone without him. I also desperately don't want to hurt him and I know all this is killing him. He accepts that the breakdown of our marriage is mainly due to his actions and I do believe there is a chance all this has shown him what he has to lose. Without us he literally has nothing. he says he will change, he will do everything to make me happy, but does this really happen? Is this really possible? He is a master at lying, he has said he'd change before (not quite like he is now though mind), I fell for it over and over again and I can't keep getting hurt and let down by him. But what if he really means it this time? What if we can be the happy family I've always wanted and dreamed of? I just can't seem to decide whether to risk one last chance. I probably did need to 'vent' in some respect, but that is not the reason for my post. I really feel stuck and this is a huge decision that I am struggling with. That is an awful lot of, "what if's" that depend on HIS actions. That sounds a lot like gambling to me. He may harbor resentment towards you because he doesn't have anything without you. He may also feel an overwhelming amount of pressure and just simply shuts down to it all (I can relate to that one). Maybe you clearing his plate (by leaving) will give him a chance to take a breath and start down the path of recovery one step at a time; versus feeling like he has to do it all at the same time. But you would have to stick to your guns. Each time you leave he escalates the drama to push you further, you may not realize how far he has pushed you until YOU get time to take a breath and get some perspective.
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