waterlotus Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Any Help would be greatly appreciated as i am a mess right now. My bf and i have been on and off for the past 4yrs. Mainly it was b/c of his verbal abuse. The majority of the time he has initiated contact with me to reconcile and i came back to him, with the promise of him improving his behaviour. In dec of 2011 we were to be engaged and married shortly after but his verbal abuse was too much and i broke it off (there are other issues, but i wont go into it here). We reconciled again and he, for the past 4 mos has treated me exceedingly well and acknowledges that he hasnt treated me well (verbally, otherwise he has always gone above and beyond for me). The issue is, this past weekend, i went to see him and the goal was to solidify things and plan a wedding and getting our families to meet. Everything was going well, but then he asked me to drink alcohol. I am a grown woman, independent, successful and i am fairly religious (not a fanatic, but i practice). We are of the same faith, i dont drink alcohol, he does. I have never told him to stop etc hes a responsible adult and knows his limits. He has never forced me to drink. In my life i have probably sipped alcohol 3x. On saturday night at a restaurant he asked me if i would join him and have a drink, i thought ok i will take a sip (he told me it was a sweet wine). I am trying to be more openminded and try out new experiences, so i took 2 sips and i did not like it at all. The taste digusted me. He told me not to worry about it and that it was ok. The problem, after dinner he blew up said that i wasnt the right girl for him b/c i didnt drink the entire glass of wine. He said if i loved him i should have done it. I tried reasoning with him (over the entire weekend), he said he couldnt let the fact go that i didnt do something for him. His reasoning is that if i am going to spend my life with you then u need to prove to me that u will go against ur principles for me and put me before them. He then used the entire weekend to try and get me to drink a glass of wine to prove myself. I am upset and hurt and feel stupid. On the one hand he is asking me to do something i am not comfortable with. On the other hand its a stupid glass of wine and wont kill me, but i dont want to do it and set a precedent. Over the 4 yrs we have been together i have proved myself to him time and again, he acknowledges that..but its not good enough. He has forgotten 4yrs and is focused on a 30min dinner and my not drinking that glass of wine. Is this unreasonable? Am i being hypersensitive? Is he being a jerk?
Arabella Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I don't think I'm missing anything here but just in case, let me ask you something. Did the drinking of that glass of wine have a religious/ceremonial meaning to him? If the answer is yes, I MAY be able to understand him getting upset and you two should discuss it further. Otherwise, he's just making excuses for him being a jerk. Don't let him push you into doing something you don't want to -- especially something this stupid.
KatZee Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I think BY NOW it should be pretty clear to you that you're with an abuser, and this abuser will not change. I know you want to believe he is good and kind and has changed, but be real here. Why WOULD he change? He treats you the way he treats you, and then you run back to him. Continue on, and you'll continue in this perpetual cycle of verbal abuse. This will never get better. Not unless he gets into individual counseling and couples therapy. You cannot help him. You're not asking for much, you've done all you can do. It's not up to you to save him. You need to save yourself. For the life of me I don't quite understand how you could even fathom marrying this person. 4
denise_xo Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 He is being totally ridiculous, as far as I'm concerned. Dump this guy, for your own good. ETA: I read the OP a bit quickly - yes, you're definitely with an abuser and he's not going to change. Move on. Fast. 1
KatZee Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 PS: It will NEVER matter what you do for him, or how much you "prove" yourself. Nothing you do will ever be enough. Believe me, I dated someone like this. No matter what I did. How I changed, how I adjusted my behavior to suit him and his needs, no matter how much effort I put in... ONE THING would set him off and it would result in him berating me, making me feel worthless, like I was nothing, like the reason for our relationship failing was my fault. I thank God everyday I am free of him, and I've been so much happier without him.
PineappleMango Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Um, yeah... If he verbally abuses you, then it is obvious he does not respect you. Respect is the key ingredient in a good, and healthy realtionship. Move on from this. Find someone who treats you like a Queen, and you will be amazed at the difference, and wonder why you ever dated a jerk like him.
TaraMaiden Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 No religion requires anyone to be obligated to drink alcohol, particularly against their will. He's being abusive, demanding, controlling and a manipulative bully. I suggest you break this repeat pattern and split up with him, for good - with absolutely no intention whatsoever of ever reconciling again. this on-off relationship should be off, once and for all. Why on earth do you keep going back for more of the same - ?! What on earth ever make you believe you can't find better? Because trust me - you damn well can...!
Author waterlotus Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 PS: It will NEVER matter what you do for him, or how much you "prove" yourself. Nothing you do will ever be enough. Believe me, I dated someone like this. No matter what I did. How I changed, how I adjusted my behavior to suit him and his needs, no matter how much effort I put in... ONE THING would set him off and it would result in him berating me, making me feel worthless, like I was nothing, like the reason for our relationship failing was my fault. I thank God everyday I am free of him, and I've been so much happier without him. Thankyou to everyone who posted. There was no ceremonial purpose to the drinking, he just wanted me to do it for him b/c he said so. As for being with him, over the 4 yrs (intermittent) i did date other ppl and yes there was a huge difference. I guess, if i am being honest with myself, the reason i went back to him was b/c he was the only person who pursued me. I know its a stupid reason. But i have met so many ppl (and these are well educated etc etc) guys who, at the end of the day didnt want a serious relationship with me. He was i guess my backup plan, he was always there and he was aggressive in pursuing me and i fell for it. Culturally, there is huge pressure. I am 35 (he is 37) i am still unmarried..and the stigma of being "old" and single is huge. I guess i thought if i married him i would know what i was getting into. I know all the wrong reasons. I stood my ground and said no. I refused to be bullied by him and yes i did break it off. This meeting up with him this weekend, was to give him one last chance. I havent changed my plans (ie moving to another state etc) i am going on with my life and moving fwd without him. I was hoping he would change, but he can never do that i can never make him.
denise_xo Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I havent changed my plans (ie moving to another state etc) i am going on with my life and moving fwd without him. Good. Keep it that way. I appreciate what you mean by cultural stigma, but I think you're better off with that in the long run than with an abuser. Stay strong. Flush that turd.
amaysngrace Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 You need to RUN away from this person. People don't change without some sort of intervention. He's a controlling and manipulative person who exhibits crazy-making behavior. You will continue with your self-doubt unless you leave him once and for all.
Quiet Storm Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Please don't marry this guy or have kids with him. Being alone is much better than being with a guy like this. It will only get worse because everytime you give in to one of his demands, he loses more respect for you, which sets the stage for more verbal abuse and complete lack of courtesy. By staying with him and by going back to him, you are telling him that his behavior is okay. You can yell, cry, tell him how unfair he is being and demand change all day long, but your actions (staying, going back) tell him that you will tolerate his behavior. 1
manup Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Any Help would be greatly appreciated as i am a mess right now. My bf and i have been on and off for the past 4yrs. Mainly it was b/c of his verbal abuse. The majority of the time he has initiated contact with me to reconcile and i came back to him, with the promise of him improving his behaviour. In dec of 2011 we were to be engaged and married shortly after but his verbal abuse was too much and i broke it off (there are other issues, but i wont go into it here). We reconciled again and he, for the past 4 mos has treated me exceedingly well and acknowledges that he hasnt treated me well (verbally, otherwise he has always gone above and beyond for me). The issue is, this past weekend, i went to see him and the goal was to solidify things and plan a wedding and getting our families to meet. Everything was going well, but then he asked me to drink alcohol. I am a grown woman, independent, successful and i am fairly religious (not a fanatic, but i practice). We are of the same faith, i dont drink alcohol, he does. I have never told him to stop etc hes a responsible adult and knows his limits. He has never forced me to drink. In my life i have probably sipped alcohol 3x. On saturday night at a restaurant he asked me if i would join him and have a drink, i thought ok i will take a sip (he told me it was a sweet wine). I am trying to be more openminded and try out new experiences, so i took 2 sips and i did not like it at all. The taste digusted me. He told me not to worry about it and that it was ok. The problem, after dinner he blew up said that i wasnt the right girl for him b/c i didnt drink the entire glass of wine. He said if i loved him i should have done it. I tried reasoning with him (over the entire weekend), he said he couldnt let the fact go that i didnt do something for him. His reasoning is that if i am going to spend my life with you then u need to prove to me that u will go against ur principles for me and put me before them. He then used the entire weekend to try and get me to drink a glass of wine to prove myself. I am upset and hurt and feel stupid. On the one hand he is asking me to do something i am not comfortable with. On the other hand its a stupid glass of wine and wont kill me, but i dont want to do it and set a precedent. Over the 4 yrs we have been together i have proved myself to him time and again, he acknowledges that..but its not good enough. He has forgotten 4yrs and is focused on a 30min dinner and my not drinking that glass of wine. Is this unreasonable? Am i being hypersensitive? Is he being a jerk? Why do you like drama and jerks? If you do more power to you, if you don't why are you with this guy?
pteromom Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 His reasoning is that if i am going to spend my life with you then u need to prove to me that u will go against ur principles for me and put me before them. He WANTS a woman who will go against her principles? That's ridiculous. He is just trying to assert control over you. He should accept you as you are, alcohol or no. And yes, he's a jerk. As he has shown you over and over and over. So the big question is - WHY are you with him? Why do you feel you don't deserve more than this?
pteromom Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 and the stigma of being "old" and single is huge. I guess i thought if i married him i would know what i was getting into. I know all the wrong reasons. Being "old" and single beats being abused, sad, and married ANY DAY of the week!
TripLine Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Not sure who is more stupid, The guy would wants his sober girl to drink or the 35 year old woman who needs to ask if this was acceptable...
CopingGal Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 The problem, after dinner he blew up said that i wasnt the right girl for him b/c i didnt drink the entire glass of wine. He said if i loved him i should have done it. That is the kind of ridiculous, nonsensical gibberish that adds pressure to people and turns them into alcoholic and drug addicts. Listen to me, run and run fast. This man is a mess. He is rude, insensitive, mean, but most of all very troubled. Trying to force someone to drink against their beliefs is something that only a self-centered, troubled, and mentally dysfunctional person would do. This man is a mental case. Run and run fast.
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 This guy has to be a totally awful controlling creep. I can't believe you're even posting this as if it could possibly be acceptable. Of course you shouldn't drink if you don't feel like it - and the concept of going against your principles to "prove" your love? Well, sorry, but if you're actually game for this then maybe you deserve what you get.
Algermas Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I think BY NOW it should be pretty clear to you that you're with an abuser, and this abuser will not change. I know you want to believe he is good and kind and has changed, but be real here. Why WOULD he change? He treats you the way he treats you, and then you run back to him. Continue on, and you'll continue in this perpetual cycle of verbal abuse. This will never get better. Not unless he gets into individual counseling and couples therapy. You cannot help him. You're not asking for much, you've done all you can do. It's not up to you to save him. You need to save yourself. For the life of me I don't quite understand how you could even fathom marrying this person. This, reading topics like this one crack me up big time.
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