Breathless Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Hi All - Today is the one year DDay anniversary with my BH. It's also my one year NC anniversary with the xMM. My BH has been a bit tense over the weekend and this morning seemed more sad than angry but only a little bit down in the dumps. I, on the other hand, had a breakdown on the way to work...I turned my car around and went home. I spent the first few hours crying but now I have settled down. Today, all the memories about what I have did, all the pain that I caused everyone, all the self hatred and self disgust came back to haunt me as if I was living that day all over again. Then I realized something, while I hid away in the dark crying, my BH got up, drove his hour and half long commute to work, and is sitting there living his life with a strong mind and generous heart. He is the one entitled to be an angry and sad wreck today - not me. He should be screaming at me, wishing that he never met me, storming up and down the house with disgust bc of me and my actions. How dare I waste another day sitting, hiding, wallowing in self pity just because it was me who destroyed our marriage and killed the love that the most honorable man I have ever met had for me. How can I be so weak to cry and say "what have I have done"...when I SHOULD be appreciating today - every minute of this day!!! Because today I woke up to find that my 2 lil angels snuck into our bed during the night and wedge themselves between their Mommy and Daddy, I made coffee for 2 this morning, I danced my lil get up and get ready dance that I do in the morning to an audience of 3 (my BH and my lil monsters) who were laughing at their strange mommy, I was given a passionate kiss and a squeeze on the tooshy and heard a whisper "I love you" from a man who could have and should have walked away but loved me enough to stay. I spent many many days and nights in self pity but today was the first time I saw my BH with new appreciative eyes. I was able to really feel the gratitude of having my BH still in my life, to really feel what kind of love he has for me - the new me, the new us. I was able to put my BH first instead of my self centered a$$. I think I am accepting that even though I did something so horrendous and disgusting, I am still worthy of the love of my BH. I think I understand that if he is able to say I forgive you...I should be able to say that I forgive myself. But I will never ever take for granted even for one minute that I have the love of a strong and proud man, who walked through the fires of his own hell, to save me, save us...how can I think that I am not worthy of that love when he does?!? The battle is far from over and I will have many more dragons to slay in order to keep my marriage and my BH but today was the first day that I felt deep in my heart that I am strong enough to fight and win...bc the prize of my BH is worth it!!!! 5
drifter777 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 He is the one entitled to be an angry and sad wreck today - not me. He should be screaming at me, wishing that he never met me, storming up and down the house with disgust bc of me and my actions. These two sentences show me that you get it - you get the agony and devastation your cheating caused this man. It sounds like you understand how lucky you have been to get this 2nd chance and also realize that what you did may still end up killing your marriage. I think you already know that surviving infidelity for 1 year does not mean you will make it to 2. I wish you luck and urge you to stay humble about this and allow your husband to heal at his own rate. Even if the marriage cannot be reconciled after an affair, I wish all WS's would at least understand and acknowledge how horrible their betrayal actually was. 4
beenburned Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Breathless, You have made huge strides on the right path!
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