My story

[Chosen1]

I dated a girl for 6 months. We were madly in love. Best sex of both our lives. Planning a future together, something I had never done. And it's over.

 

I wanted to see changes in our relationships and in her. She didn't think anything needed to be changed. So I ended it. And it's killing me.

 

She's gorgeous, sexy, endearing. A wonderful girlfriend. Except she liked to drink. Our relationship had become a series of blackouts and apologies, mostly on her end but some on mine. I wanted this to change, but it never would have.

 

We've been apart for 3 months now and I don't think 20 minutes goes by without me thinking about her.

 

At the end of the relationship I broke every rule, and wasn't very nice about it. I feel bad for this now. I barred her from my family's businesses when she showed up at one with a girl and a new guy and then posted the pics on facebook. I'm not sure if they were together because I blocked her, but a friend told me about them, and I didn't want to hear the details. I thought it was pretty F##king tasteless because it was only a couple weeks after we broke up. I even threatened to call the state because she would sometimes drink until 3a.m. and then drive her kids to school at 6:30. no way she was sober. I really didn't want to threaten this but my therapist was appalled that she acted like that and happy that I brought it to her attention.

 

We sold one of the businesses and I was in their last week just to see how they were doing. She was there with a new guy. This new guy has to be 20 years older than me. Fat. Balding. Wore affliction shirts like he was 21. Just a big flaming tool bag. I heard he's a prison guard, so not exactly rolling in dough. I'm mid 20's, college educated, very fit. I just smirked the whole time I saw them.

 

He didn't know who I was but her friend did. She walked by our table at least 10 times and when I had to make a few phone calls outside she would look right at me. I didn't say a word to them but since the breakup I've been in the gym 10 hours a week and look the best I've looked in my life. The ex looked like she's but on 5-8 lbs (she was a size 0).

 

Anyway, I left that night and ended up hooking up with another girl. It was my 3rd that week. The problem is I feel like I'm drowning myself in other girls but I still can't get her out my mind. I read on here that getting a new girl is the best way to get over the other. But, as sick as it is, I think about her even when I'm having sex with a new one.

 

It's just not working. The gym, the new girls, I finally got my headshots done to give acting another go, studying for the October LSATS, no travel, but all the things I was supposed to do. And I can't shake her. I'm not kidding when I say every 20 minutes I think about her and what we gave up. Maybe it's because I've never really had a girlfriend that I felt this way about.

 

I don't want to talk to family and friends about this anymore. It's exhausting for them, so I'm hoping for some advice from you guys. Much appreciated.

[Plan 9 from OS]

Honestly there isn't much to say. For the relationship to have worked out, you wanted to see some changes made by her (did you stipulate changes for yourself as well btw?) and you wanted to see changes in your relationship. She disagreed. Since you needed these changes to occur in order for the relationship to continue, you probably did the right thing and cut her loose. That should pretty much end this and both of you should move on.

 

Except...you are acting like an ass by getting jealous over the guys she has been dating after you dumped her and ridiculing everything she is doing after you broke it off. Case in point: We sold one of the businesses and I was in their last week just to see how they were doing. She was there with a new guy. This new guy has to be 20 years older than me. Fat. Balding. Wore affliction shirts like he was 21. Just a big flaming tool bag. I heard he's a prison guard, so not exactly rolling in dough. I'm mid 20's, college educated, very fit. I just smirked the whole time I saw them.

 

Get over yourself and move on. Plus you've been seeing a whole lot of women lately too, so cut the ex some slack. Plus I'm sure all of your hook ups were with 9s and 10s only, right?

[Chosen1]

I didn't mean for it to come off cocky. I have a hard time expressing emotions in type.

 

She showed up there because she knew it would get back to me. Maybe I'm unique but I do judge ex's relationships. I'm really not jealous over this new guy just confused. I really think she can do much better. One of the employees was telling me about the guy, and his description was the tool bag. I guess the guy offered to help if a fight broke out? But did it in a weird, pseudo tough way.

 

As far as the new girls. I didn't have sex for 6 weeks after the breakup. I was definitely a mess then. I needed to build back my confidence. Meanwhile she's parading guys around. There's 1000 places to go in this town and she chooses the one that my family owns. I'm sorry but that does piss me off.

 

And no none of the new girls were more attractive than the ex. One was probably equal.

 

If get over myself is the advice, it seems to contradict what I've been hearing. Yes, I'm still upset. Yes, I miss all the good parts. Yes, I can't get her out of my head. I refuse to lose my confidence. If it comes off as narcissism I apologize. I'm certainly not put back together just yet.

 

Also, that night, I saw some hurt in her eyes. She wasn't the same girl I dated and that hurts as well.

 

I suggested that we get some new hobbies. Even camping was involving drinking. I offered dancing classes, kayaking, mountain biking. She said she doesn't need to be retrained. She's in complete denial about the whole thing and I find that to be the worst part of it all. She is and can be remarkable. And maybe she can find moderation. She just didn't want to.

[Chi townD]

Anyway, I left that night and ended up hooking up with another girl. It was my 3rd that week. The problem is I feel like I'm drowning myself in other girls but I still can't get her out my mind. I read on here that getting a new girl is the best way to get over the other. But, as sick as it is, I think about her even when I'm having sex with a new one.

 

 

I don't think you read that on here. Most would strongly recommend that you don't start dating until you are ready to date. these meaningless hook ups are fun but fleeting and usually end up making you feel worse by the end.

 

Dude, study for the LSAT's. More money in the law profession than in acting. Do you know what most actors and actress put for occuption on there W2's? Waiter or Waitress.

 

Thing you need to do is have complete and absolute zero contact with this chick. Everytime you see her it sets you back. Puts you back to square one and she in the forefront of your mind for the rest of the day. You need to start no contact.

[Chosen1]

Thanks for the reply. Yes, law can be rewarding but like any profession it has its drawbacks. Acting is just something I did in undergrad and miss it. And if you do hit it big in acting the upside is limitless. I also need to take the GMAT. I'm looking into joint degree programs depending on which I get accepted to.

 

I haven't had one text exchange, one email or any word spoken with her in 2 months now. The no contact is crucial, and I think she's on board with it as well. But that's why she needs to stay out of our businesses. We can avoid each other but I can't avoid work. I don't go to her work or any of her favorite places.

 

I think I saw getting new girls as a sort of validation. Make sense at all? But it is absolutely pointless and uninspiring.

 

I should also clarify that this was the first "traditional" real love I've ever had. And by that I mean my first love was such a chaotic, young mess that dragged on for 8 years with neither of us committing after the first year.

 

But the torture of this last one is that we were pretty damn awesome together. And for a guy who has lived with no intention of settling down, she got me thinking seriously about it. But she's gone now and she doesn't warrant this much thought anymore, yet she's getting it.

[Plan 9 from OS]

I didn't mean for it to come off cocky. I have a hard time expressing emotions in type.

 

She showed up there because she knew it would get back to me. Maybe I'm unique but I do judge ex's relationships. I'm really not jealous over this new guy just confused. I really think she can do much better. One of the employees was telling me about the guy, and his description was the tool bag. I guess the guy offered to help if a fight broke out? But did it in a weird, pseudo tough way.

 

As far as the new girls. I didn't have sex for 6 weeks after the breakup. I was definitely a mess then. I needed to build back my confidence. Meanwhile she's parading guys around. There's 1000 places to go in this town and she chooses the one that my family owns. I'm sorry but that does piss me off.

 

And no none of the new girls were more attractive than the ex. One was probably equal.

 

If get over myself is the advice, it seems to contradict what I've been hearing. Yes, I'm still upset. Yes, I miss all the good parts. Yes, I can't get her out of my head. I refuse to lose my confidence. If it comes off as narcissism I apologize. I'm certainly not put back together just yet.

 

Also, that night, I saw some hurt in her eyes. She wasn't the same girl I dated and that hurts as well.

 

I suggested that we get some new hobbies. Even camping was involving drinking. I offered dancing classes, kayaking, mountain biking. She said she doesn't need to be retrained. She's in complete denial about the whole thing and I find that to be the worst part of it all. She is and can be remarkable. And maybe she can find moderation. She just didn't want to.[/QUOTE]

 

Just focusing on the parts in bold, it sounds like there is more to the story than you originally posted. I'm assuming that your ex-GF is a borderline alcoholic and that was a big part of what you wanted to see changed in your relationship. I can respect that. I also respected your decision to break it off with her when I read the OP.

 

I guess I don't completely understand your situation post breakup. Are the two of you supposed to be going NC in order to get a breather from each other with the intention of eventually trying to work on your relationship? Or was this more of a straight up break up and you were hoping to have NC because you want to put her behind you? Maybe it would be helpful if you can provide more details about your situation, because it seems like the OP is not the complete story - especially if your GF was battling substance abuse issues.

[Balzac]

She doesn't sound like the kind of girl you want to take to BigLaw firm functions.

Just sayin.

[Chosen1]

You're right that the OP wasn't exactly the entire story. She battled substance abuse issues throughout. I can only estimate that half of her calories come from alcohol, but it's certainly not an unreasonable estimation.

 

I honestly didn't believe it was the entire case, because she was very attractive for her age, and was in very good shape. I just figured it was a phase because heavy drinkers tend to age poorly and put on weight.

 

For the first 3 months I didn't have strong feelings for her. Part of my history I suppose. I just never entertained the idea. Then as we shared more experiences and I introduced her as my GF to employees and friends did I realize how far things had come.

 

Right before the breakup I had many, many problems happening in my life. Physical, to legal, to professional; all with the worst experiences I had in each realm. I was more emotional, and she became distant. Of course she didn't want me to be needy, it was completely unlike me. It was an extremely unique and vulnerable experience to me. She was there, but not the way she had been before. So after several nights of her going out and drinking and not coming over, I broke things off.

 

I fought the breakup kicking and screaming. Immediately after, I had to go to the Dr. to deal with the physical problems, court for the legal, all while balancing managing a business as a mid 20 year old. Keep in mind that while everything else was going poorly, I pedestalized her almost out of default. So when I expected things to go just as they were at the beginning, I was changing and therefore she and our relationship changed.

 

With my Dad being a recovered alcoholic for nearly 30 years, perhaps I was Freudian in my desire to change her. Or at least it explains my attraction for her on a subconscious level. But yes, I can't stand to see her with a guy like she's with. Strictly physically, I feel like he doesn't deserve her body. It's akin to a 90's sitcom with the gorgeous wife and the bumbling fat husband. It makes nearly no sense, and I laugh at it.

 

The NC had taken place after a couple weekends after the breakup. We were to meet for coffee so I could give her money for a gym membership that was in her name. She was a no show. I was inordinately passive, messaging her that I understand and yada yada. That's not me. Yes, I can be an *******, but I prefer it to being unreasonably forgiving. The next day I text her about some stuff she had of mine, she messaged me back saying she didn't know where some of it was. She was short with me.

 

I went off. I told her to shut the F#ck up and she immediately called, asking if I had something to say. I told her I already said it. She told me to man up and pay the membership, I told her to mom up and stop getting f#cked up on school nights. Then the State call threat came and she hung up. She messaged me the next day saying she thinks her kids had had enough, and did she really need to warn them about the state? I told her she was irresponsible, a drunk, pathetic, etc. I was furious. I actually went out actively pursuing a fight and I'm embarrassed about that now. I do have a horrible temper.

 

At the end of that night I told her she didn't have to worry about me calling anyone, I just never wanted to hear from her again. At the same time, her ex had been messaging me on FB (initiated by him) and I finally told him when her and i first slept together. He said they were together at that time and I was a piece of ****. I told him I was going to break his neck. Needless to say, I was out of line. I blocked him after saying she was a whore and I was ashamed to be associated with her.

 

The next day she messaged my friend saying she was floored by all this, she saved all my messages, emails and texts, and never wanted to hear from me again. I asked him to block her, and I've not heard from her since.

 

The only break of NC was when I informed her that she was bared from establishments bearing my name. She showed up a week after she told me she didn't want to hear from me, and it infuriated me.

 

I just can't figure out why this one stings so much. I know it was the length and the feelings, but I never thought things would go so far. She has kids and that was a huge no deal for me before we met. It's just something I didn't feel prepared to take on. But they were good kids, and old enough to allow us to build a relationship. The combination of attraction, affection, and attention were equally balanced, and I think that's where things were able to build upon each other. It was an upward spiral of growth.

 

This was long winded, but I still seek answers and help. I DO NOT want to be with her. I know this. She could quit drinking, apologize to me, my family. Hell she could fly a plane with a banner advertising her love and change for me and I still wouldn't want to be with her. But F#ck it's been half the relationship length since breakup and I still can't get over her. No sea of pointless women can help. Girls that I can see myself with, I refuse to talk to because I know I'm not ready and I don't want to close off future options.

 

This is distracting and not amusing. It affects restless sleep, current relationships, sexual behavior (I have not had an orgasm with a girl since her), and conscious thought. Therapy hasn't helped nor anti-depressants. I feel like I'm the one floored by my own responses. How can I live a quarter century and only now does this drastically different side of me become exposed? It's baffling.

[Zammo25]

" She was there with a new guy. This new guy has to be 20 years older than me. Fat. Balding. Wore affliction shirts like he was 21. Just a big flaming tool bag. I heard he's a prison guard, so not exactly rolling in dough. I'm mid 20's, college educated, very fit. I just smirked the whole time I saw them "

 

This could be where you are going wrong. You don't know this man , he might be a great bloke but you have judged him solely on appearance and money, very shallow and not an attractive trait. Infact it puts her in a better light than you as she is obviously not shallow.

 

You might be Brad Pitt on the outside which you seem to think but is the inside very nice ? The jury is out.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you need to get a handle on yourself. You definately need some anger management classes.