broken guy Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Mid 30's both of us and together for 6 months only but we really got on and neither of us could believe our luck. All is going well and I finally think I will get everything right. Problems arise when she gets a stressful job and she seemingly starts to take her frustrations out on me by reading into things I say and looking for problems where there are none. I have been in this situation before with an ex so try to ride the storm out but, and this is just part of my make-up, when I feel unjustly attacked, I emotionally withdraw for a few days. I cannot get over things after a quick apology whereas she could and she didn't get it when I didn't which frustrated her. She also seemingly got frustrated with my attempts to find work (I'm a qualified teacher) and always seemed to have better method of finding work for me which I told her to stop attempting as she didn't know my industry as well as she thought. So yes, we had a few arguments which were all silly and avoidable. She read too much into something innocent I said and wouldn't let it go until it escalated into me losing my temper for the first time in years! She was angry with me for not offering to split a £65 shopping bill (I had tried to do this in the past but she always rebuffed my offer and got a bit angry when I tried to insist so I decided that I would let her do what she wanted with money) and numerous stupid things that happened on the phone ( I didn't think it would be possible to argue over a bag of frozen prawns!). One day, I wrote her a 'beautiful' letter saying how much I cared for her and how I respected her. That I looked forward to a great future together etc. while at the same time, acknowledging that we had had some bad times but that they had all been silly and I wanted to move on from it all and build upon those very mistakes. She called me and said it was the best letter she had had in her life. I was pleased to be making progress and I had leant from my past relationships. 2 weeks later, I go to see her and she wants to 'talk'. She brings up the arguments and says there are more bad times than good and basically ignores everything in my letter and brings up potential things that could go wrong. Full of 'if this goes wrong' and 'if that goes wrong'. I tell her that is being pessimistic and what 'if things go right'? Apparently, I 'persuaded' her not to end things. And she walks around holding my hand and taking pics of me and of us holding hands. This is followed by texts saying she enjoyed being with me and that had been thinking about me. Hooray! All sorted then and she has seen the light! Nope! 2 weeks later, I go to see her (we live 2 hours away) and she is in a dark mood over work and I just have to wonder how much more I can take of this moody girl who, only a few months back, was full of smiles and happy thoughts. We go out and, apart from a few needlessly snappy comments at me (again, for no reason other than to simply snap) we have a good time. Next morning, she is doing some work on her PC so I wander to the shops. Come back and she is hungry so I offer to pop out and bring some food back. I come back, we eat, she finishes within minutes and then proceeds to sit in the chair opposite and says we need to 'talk again'. 'Oh no', I think. She brings everything back up again and adds that we have a 'personality clash'. I can see I can't say anything this time to try to leave. Only she does not want me to go. I wanted to walk away but she made it all messy. Why she wanted me to stay there for the rest of the day and cook me dinner I do not know. But something she said really actually made me angry. I tell her, in a nice and CARING way, that she needs to see somebody about something that happened to her in the past. I do not know exactly what it was but her step-father did something to her and, as such, she has never slept with anyone. I never pushed her into anything and wanted to help her through it as I cared for her. She admitted she needed to but (oddly) said she never will see anyone about it as she does not aspire to sleep with someone and can't see the appeal (why she said we would have great kids together boggles the mind if she wasn't willing to 'get the job done' so to speak is weird). Also, maybe it wasn't just me but that she would always push the people closest to her away (I believe this may very well be true because of whatever happened to her). But her next reply was that I needed to see someone about my exes!! I admit, they had come up in conversation in the past and maybe, when we were both a bit drunk, I went on about one too much (and no, I wasn't pining for them, I was just telling her about one and my brain went on auto for a while!). And once, this very same ex's pic popped up via a twitter feed. I had not seen her in 7 years and had not looked at her pics. It just caught me off guard and I was upset. When she asked me what was up, I coughed up and found myself actually crying. Yes, I can see this made me look like I still had issues and it did upset her. I tried to brush it all off but she connected the dots and came up with the wrong picture. I know I can't convince anyone of this and I admit it looks bad, but it is the truth. Anyway, I go NC. ONE week later, she texts me to say she is thinking about me and missed me and not trying to f with me or play games, she just wanted me to know. For 7 days, I say nothing and, when I do, I just say I am doing as best as I can and I hope her work is going well. I leave the door open for her and say she can call me if she needs to. A few days later, I have a gmail chat message from her saying she wanted to call me. I was out walking the dog when she sent them so she thought I was ignoring her and had also sent me an emailing saying she understood why I didn't answer her and she was so, so sorry. I tell her that I was out and she can call me later that night. She does and we have a huge talk and she tells me she misses me etc. I tell her she needs to leave her job and she admits I am right as her Mum told her the same thing after the break up saying that she had changed and I was probably taking the break-up better because of her attitude. This is coming from her MUM! At the end, I can tell she is not sure about what she has done and she seems over the moon when she manages to squeeze out of me that I missed her too. Phone call ends with her saying she had some thinking to do and it was wonderful speaking to me and I was 'lovely' with kisses. Next day, she sends me some photos. Oh boy! It was the final photo she took of me saying it was her favourite and that 'it's beautiful. Your beautiful.' along with a drawing of said photo and the other one of us holding hands. As you can imagine, my heart leaps and bounds but I keep my cool and don't 'jump the gun'. Texts and emails are sent over the next week (her housemate is now telling her to quit her job!!) and she is asking for my advice on what she should do (I always had a knack for calming her down and talking sense to her). I decide that enough games had been played and I ask her if she felt like coming and staying with me for a while. She says she would like to but she didn't think that was fair or right for either of us. I apologise and say I must have misread the signs. I mail to say I am upset at how things had panned out and her pics and calls meant a lot to me. She replies saying she keeps drafting replies but it was late and she needed to sleep after the stress of work and will try again tomorrow. 2 days later she mails to say she keeps trying to reply but does not know what to say and asks me what I want her to do. I tell her that fact she does not know what to say to me tells me everything. I go NC again. I am very confused as is everyone else I know who knows the story. As soon as the pics came in, everyone was SURE she was leaving a door open. One night, I was typing an email to her which I had ZERO intention of sending. It was just full of regret and how I wish things were different, how I wish the stilly arguments never happened etc. Nothing evil at all and at how I believed the pics and phone call was her trying to give me a sign. Stupid laptop I was using SENT it instead of SAVING it! I was mortified and didn't check my mail for a week! I then got a text from her saying she didn't want me to be so sad about everything and wanted to call me. I leave it for a week or so and reply back saying I had no intention of sending that mail and I had been too embarrassed to say anything to her. The reply back was clearly what she had drafted. She told me not to feel bad about it and she understood that is how I dealt with things but she was sure 'WE' make the right decision and that 'WE' are better off. I can call her any time I want even though she understood that I didn't want a friendship with her anymore. I mind is blown! WE?? I reply saying I wasn't going to argue over her wording of the break-up and i was sure it was easier for her but I wanted to know why she sent me the pics etc. and that she couldn't have been that naive in doing so and I did not believe she was an evil person. The reply back was full of spite and sarcasm. 'I did it to maim, hurt and destroy you obviously. You clearly think that as you have mentioned it no less than 4 times.....I sent them as they were our last pics together and I thought that one day you would want a full collection. No malice intended. I won't do that in the future. I sent them as they were the ones I looked at when I was missing you and thinking if I had done the right thing. It was no walk in the park for me and my mum stayed with me that weekend.'. Shocked at her attitude, there is no way I deserve to be treated like that, I reply by saying I didn't think she did it for those reasons and thought she was leaving the door open for us. I had not contacted her after the break-up so maybe she could see why I thought what I did. Wished her luck and told her to take care. 2 weeks later, I send her one more email (short) just to say that I deeply regret losing her and admit that I should have been more understanding of her situation rather than go into shutdown mode and that I had no right to tell her she had done X,Y and Z wrong so don't do it again (even though she did tell me to tell her when she was doing things wrong). I also left the door open for her, as useless as I know that is! I've gone on and one here. My thoughts 3 months down the line? I miss her a hell of a lot, I wish I could take back all the silly bickering we did and had stopped things from escalating. I wish I had a job so the financial thing would have never come into play as much as it did. She told me it was nothing to do with that or the distance and that I had done nothing wrong in the relationship. Despite all the positive things I did for her (and believe me, I made her cry with joy with some of the things I did) all the times I listened to her upset on the phone over work, family, uni etc. and offered her support, it did not matter to her in the end and that is what I try and keep in mind. She ended up from being very much in love with me and imagining a future with me, to "I love you but I'm not IN love with you.' (what a load of rubbish!). In other words, she didn't love me enough to want to try and make it work. I still believe that it would have as it was NOT all bad, those bad moments have been amplified here and that she would go back to being her old self once she got her place (she managed that), left that job (she told me she had resigned 2 months ago) and she was accepted into uni (looks like she is going in September). Only, I'm not there anymore to be with her on this journey and THAT is what frustrates me along with the eternal 'Why?' question which were only added to over the pics she sent to me. I had not had a GF in 4 years and was so happy as I never thought I would feel this way for someone again and I was sure she was the one. Even during those moments when I had withdrawn from her after having to defend myself over nothing, I still loved her but I was a stubborn person to just leave her hanging for a day as I calmed down. Can't change that about me but I can feel upset about my reaction as I felt I was being, for want of a better expression, emotionally absued and I should not have just had to take her attitude whenever she had had a bad day at work and felt like I should have been able to read her mind. Anyway, sorry for going on and, if you got through all this, well done! I just wanted to get my 'basic' story into the aether of the interwebs! And maybe I will feel better for having done this. Now I'm hungry....
wilsonx Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) Abandonment issue people. Damned if you do damned if you dont. I've tried dating and I've run into a lot of these women. A Few Rules 1)Never apologize for who you are or how you act. BE TRUE TO YOURSELf 2) Dont roll in the mud with them, if they get overly emotional, tell them to shut up or walk away, grab a beer, turn on the tv and watch a sports game. Don't fight with them, you will lose. 3) Don't chase them. If they leave, its their loss. Let them go 4) Dont talk shop with them. Do not discuss your past or their past. Just have FUN. These people want someone to get them out of their own minds. 5) You can't lie to them. People like them can read between the lines and can spot insecurities, half truths, lies a MILE away. If you like hanging out with someone like them, just be dumb. "I dont know what you're talking about... stop being lame" Edited July 3, 2012 by wilsonx
Author broken guy Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Haha! Well done if you read all of that. I have to agree with your pointers and, even at the time, I was adhering to them. When she went off on one for next to no reason, I didn't back down or apologise (at the time) and told her there was no need for her attitude towards me and be so hostile. Not only was that NOT who she was but I never accept such behaviour in people anyway even IF her job was causing her so much stress. I guess what will always bother me is her sending me pictures and calling me saying she missed me and needed to think about things and then claiming her innocence. I understand the thought process of doing it to try to cleanse herself of guilt and all that but such OBVIOUS pictures of us holding hands and a drawing of me she did from her favourite pic telling me she was looking at them all the time and to NOT think of any consequences....It baffles me especially for such a smart girl (going to be a doctor!). Or was it becuase I was poor and she hated the fact I didn't do what she told me to (work for free, you might get employed). Whio knows but she sure as heck was a complete wimp.
wilsonx Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 It happened because you were one heck of a complete wimp
Author broken guy Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 I would not say so. I stood up for myself all the time and told her when she went too far. When she became upset about something, I would be there for her. There is a difference between understanding someones situation and being a wimp whenever her emotions were directed in the wrong manner. I never just let her 'abuse' me; people can argue. Never mind, I think this is going off topic already!
happyme Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I would not say you were a wimp and I disagree with Wilson's viewpoint, but... I would say this woman likes you a lot and that you are mis-interpreting her actions/words etc. In that sense, maybe, a little too eager to please or perhaps self-protective/defensive? And another thing, I have to say: you are confused as to her sending those photos etc... but it was you who went on about an ex... were visibly upset upon seeing the same ex's picuture etc etc... well - how do you imagine that came across to her? Please, spare her a thought.... And anyway, why? Because if you are so sure that this lady is 'the one' then why in god's name are you sitting there crying over an ex? If I were your girlfriend, that would raise some very serious red flags for me too...So if you read her words differently, they may just be seeking re-assurance, maybe...
Author broken guy Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Oh yes, I totally understand about that thing with the ex but, as I say, it was simply a shock to the system and, for a moment (5-10 secs on the phone), I got a little weepy (not blubbering!), nothing more. I cannot excuse that moment of weakness but that didn't mean I wanted my ex of 7 years ago back. I know I can't defend that moment and I regret it but I think I did plently to show her that I loved her. I know it upset her as she told me but what could I do? I actually think I cried, not because of seeing her, but of remembering what I did to drive her away. If, and only if, this was actually her reason for ending it then it is extremely harsh. It meant that that tiny moment of time was far more significant than all the positive things I did for her and us. Never cheated, never sought out an argument, helped her with any of her problems and gave her plenty of reasons to know I loved her. Still, none of that explains her actions after the dumping telling me she missed me and was always thinking about me and sending the 'final moments' pics of us together and calling me beautiful. 1
happyme Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I know BK and I'm not saying you're wrong, what I'm saying is that things may look very different from her point of view. It may not be the case but what you mentioned about the ex could have been upsetting/worrying from 'her' point of view, and whether that moment was only a few seconds long or not has no bearing at all on the emotional impact it may have had on her. Things like that are sensitive, you know... what's an issue for you may not be for her and vice versa... the amount of time you spend feeling whatever you were feeling with regard to the ex is not important, it's the fact that you felt it in the first place which may have had a deep impact (although not necessarily). Either way BK, I would say think about her feeling too, try not to be too focussed on your own point of view and on proving it... ask her how she feels and then listen with an open mind. Difficult, but worth it. All the best
wilsonx Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) Oh yes, I totally understand about that thing with the ex but, as I say, it was simply a shock to the system and, for a moment (5-10 secs on the phone), I got a little weepy (not blubbering!), nothing more. I cannot excuse that moment of weakness but that didn't mean I wanted my ex of 7 years ago back. I know I can't defend that moment and I regret it but I think I did plently to show her that I loved her. I know it upset her as she told me but what could I do? I actually think I cried, not because of seeing her, but of remembering what I did to drive her away. If, and only if, this was actually her reason for ending it then it is extremely harsh. It meant that that tiny moment of time was far more significant than all the positive things I did for her and us. Never cheated, never sought out an argument, helped her with any of her problems and gave her plenty of reasons to know I loved her. Still, none of that explains her actions after the dumping telling me she missed me and was always thinking about me and sending the 'final moments' pics of us together and calling me beautiful. She fell in love with you but wasn't going to be a "Holding Pattern" This relationship is over though. Her self love triumphs over your her love for you You can lie to yourself and you can lie to other people around you, but people like her you can't lie to with the ex Edited July 4, 2012 by wilsonx 1
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