Is the band a deal breaker?

[HbHb11]

Is "the band" a deal breaker?

« on: May 28, 2012, 11:04:36 AM »

I have been so lucky to find someone who I believe is a perfect fit for me in everyway, someone whom I gladly put before myself on a daily basis, who compliments me and is strong everywhere that I am weak and who I love with all of my heart. All that being said, I am having a major issue in one aspect of deciding on forever with him...he is in a band.*

 

I knew this when I met him 2 years ago.* I was fine with it, happy for him that he was able to enjoy something that he loved to do and even make a little money in the process.* I would go and watch on occasions that I could, and support him in his "side job" with no hesitation.* *That was before I realized what a match we were, how lucky I was to find someone like him and before I began to consider him the person that could one day be my husband.*

 

Now, 2 years into this, I am wondering if I can live the life of the wife, at home, while her husband spends the weekends in bars, playing music until the wee hours of the morning.* I have tried to accept it, I've put both of us under pressure attempting to negotiate and compromise. I have held in my concerns and feelings until I finally exploded as well as vocally addressed my concerns with him in a calm, rational manner. Even after all of this, I am still here, in the same place, afraid to take the next step with him.*

 

I am divorced. I have 2 young children who I cherish and adore.* I have already endured a marriage where I spent most of my time alone and took care of 90% of responsibilities on my own.* I've already gone to sleep in an empty bed most nights and had to resort to making up for what was a family of 4, a family of 3, with a smile on my face so the kids would take less notice of my then husband's absence and the toll it took on me.* Obviously it did not work out favorably.

 

I work full time as a teacher and a coach.* He also works full time as a teacher and a coach. He loves that job dearly and even during football season when he is working more than he is home, I accept it.* I don't say anything and attend each game, etc. will bells on.* I know that it is only a few short months out of the year and that it brings him great satisfaction.* The kids and I stay home, and turn his absence into a positive that revolves around football.* However, in the off season, he spends a lot of time playing gigs.* Some in town, some out of town.* Mostly bars and casinos and until 2 and 3 am on weekends.* Not only can the kids and I not attend these functions because of their locations, but I dont necessarily want to spend my weekends in those places, with the behavior of those who are also in attendance.* I am no prude, I do enjoy going out every once in a while, but I am a mother and I am in a stage of life where that takes away from my daily responsibility.* He is a few years older than me, but has never been married nor does he have children.* He has lived this single lifestyle all the way up until me. We are 28 and 31 years old.*

 

I suppose I was wrong in thinking the frequency of playing music in bars was a single guy thing.* That when adult life changes occurred like becoming a husband, a step father and maybe even a father in the future, that staying out late in the night life scene would take a back seat for a while. Just like it did for me when I became a wife and mother.* He doesn't see it that way and I don't see it slowing down to be conducive to the kind of marital and family life I long for.

 

I have resolved to the fact that I will never ask him to give up what he loves. I will never make him choose between me and music, and that's partially because I know he would choose me which would lead to life long resentment and I couldn't live with that on my shoulders.* So now I have decided that it is me who has to choose.* It is tormenting. I love him and can not imagine not having him in my life; I can't imagine not making him happy on a daily basis.* I also can't imagine living in a lonely marriage, carrying the weight of most of the responsibilities, or the fact the he wants to have more children who would be raised with their father in the bars on the weekends.

 

Any thoughts?* And innovative ways to change my way of thinking to accept and embrace this part of him without building resentment?* Or is this the deciding factor that should clearly show me that this is not the man I should marry?* I am wide open for suggestions!!!

[Mr Scorpio]

If he already has a career (teaching) and a side-job (coaching), I would think he should derive plenty of satisfaction from those two aspects of his life. If he doesn't feel that being a part of a family can replace the joy he receives from playing in a band, I fear it may be time to cut your losses and move on.

 

Maybe he'll have a realization when he hits thirty. Maybe he is having too much fun doing what he is doing and won't change at all. Either way, I don't know if investing your hopes and emotional well-being in him going forward is the wisest decision IMO.