ThingsAreComplicated Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 ok, so men and women can't be friends. I always disagreed but due to recent events I come to the conclusion that maybe there is a valid point in this. the woman I'd call my "best friend" is currently in a LTR (3 years). I know her for quite a while and well, we have been just friends. We were doing stuff together hobbies and so on. When we first met years ago we actually didn't even like each other lol. When our ways separated to due work we somehow stayed in contact though. Since her relationship is somewhat "open" her BF actually doesn't really mind that we spent quite a bunch of time together recently. I thought her relationship was perfect, both good job, planning kids, stuff and so on. From my perspective I even did envy them. However, about 3 months ago my friend opened up completely all of a sudden. I did what good friends do, I was there for her, had an ear for her and tried to help her evaluate the situation WITHOUT BEING TO DIRECT. I'm no relationship killer so basically I was just there and heard all the crap her ****ty BF is doing to her (which makes me sad). As I also had a rough ride with a woman I also shared my thoughts with her which intensified our "relationship". She included me in more and more of her activities up to a point where other people were asking what's going there. I was passive, I told her that I'll be happy to spend time with her but I will not ask her out and stuff like that. Obviously, since I gave her everything her BF didn't give (as a friend!) besides bad sex and having sex with random people due to having an "open relationship" she developed true feelings for me over time. Things escalated now, he violated her privacy and read through all the messages we wrote which lead the a (for me) breakup argument. As I expected this relationship to end sooner or later I always told her that I'll be there for her to catch her (as a friend!). However she is still sitting between the chairs, probably waiting for a commitment on my side. I simply cannot do this as I don't want to be responsible for a breakup and actually I don't intend to have trouble with her BF either. She is torn apart, 100% unhappy, can't get her job done and fighting tears all day long. My only intention was to be there for her when things get rough (as a friend!), now they get rough but obviously I can't handle it. Since we are very close emotionally I would not be reluctant to start a romantic relationship with her and see where this leads. Besides that she really doesn't deserve the crap he is doing to her anymore. But still...it feels wrong... opinions?
Titanwolf Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Not to play Devil's advocate, but you've only heard one side of the story, which is no doubt a biased interpretation. Whether it's true or not, you don't know. If it were me, I'd give her my advice and leave it at that.
Author ThingsAreComplicated Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 Ok, my advice would be: "Dump this guy, he is probably the worst thing that happened to you in your entire life. I want you to be happy again and find someone who loves you for who you are. If you really want this, we can try this out and see where it leads, however we can also stay friends for life." Are you really sure I should tell her that? 1
utterer of lies Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 opinions? The situation: - She's not your friend. You are not her friend. She's a girl you want that is currently in a relationship. - You have no idea about the true state of her relationship. You want to have sex with her. It's not clear from your post if she wants it too, or if you only hope she wants it too. Maybe, she will cheat on her boyfriend with you, maybe she won't. If you are lucky, she's the kind of girl that will not leave a relationship until she has the next lined up: you. But probably she just wants someone to dump her emotional baggage on, so that she can continue to have hot sex with her current boyfriend. This might sound harsh, but you seem to live in fairy-tale land and it looks to me like you need to wake up.
Emilia Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Personally, I would never be involved with someone who was relying on me to help them get out of a relationship. I don't have much respect for people that have overlaps like that and jump from partner to partner.
Titanwolf Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Ok, my advice would be: "Dump this guy, he is probably the worst thing that happened to you in your entire life. I want you to be happy again and find someone who loves you for who you are. If you really want this, we can try this out and see where it leads, however we can also stay friends for life." Are you really sure I should tell her that? Tough love not your thing?. I'd just tell her "As your friend, I only want what's best for you, and if this guy is as bad as you describe him to be (insert what you said here)". She'll respect your honesty and I think you'll be doing her a favour is he is really that bad. I do hope you find yourself a solution.
todreaminblue Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 ok, so men and women can't be friends. I always disagreed but due to recent events I come to the conclusion that maybe there is a valid point in this. the woman I'd call my "best friend" is currently in a LTR (3 years). I know her for quite a while and well, we have been just friends. We were doing stuff together hobbies and so on. When we first met years ago we actually didn't even like each other lol. When our ways separated to due work we somehow stayed in contact though. Since her relationship is somewhat "open" her BF actually doesn't really mind that we spent quite a bunch of time together recently. I thought her relationship was perfect, both good job, planning kids, stuff and so on. From my perspective I even did envy them. However, about 3 months ago my friend opened up completely all of a sudden. I did what good friends do, I was there for her, had an ear for her and tried to help her evaluate the situation WITHOUT BEING TO DIRECT. I'm no relationship killer so basically I was just there and heard all the crap her ****ty BF is doing to her (which makes me sad). As I also had a rough ride with a woman I also shared my thoughts with her which intensified our "relationship". She included me in more and more of her activities up to a point where other people were asking what's going there. I was passive, I told her that I'll be happy to spend time with her but I will not ask her out and stuff like that. Obviously, since I gave her everything her BF didn't give (as a friend!) besides bad sex and having sex with random people due to having an "open relationship" she developed true feelings for me over time. Things escalated now, he violated her privacy and read through all the messages we wrote which lead the a (for me) breakup argument. As I expected this relationship to end sooner or later I always told her that I'll be there for her to catch her (as a friend!). However she is still sitting between the chairs, probably waiting for a commitment on my side. I simply cannot do this as I don't want to be responsible for a breakup and actually I don't intend to have trouble with her BF either. She is torn apart, 100% unhappy, can't get her job done and fighting tears all day long. My only intention was to be there for her when things get rough (as a friend!), now they get rough but obviously I can't handle it. Since we are very close emotionally I would not be reluctant to start a romantic relationship with her and see where this leads. Besides that she really doesn't deserve the crap he is doing to her anymore. But still...it feels wrong... opinions? IMHO.........relationships that start with friendship are safer because you know the person intimately and emotionally.....you have common interests and have shared history.....there's already a strong bond......and you dont have to worry if six months down the track that person might be completely different after the honeymoon is over.......in your situation you have to be a friend......and honestly even if it is an open relationship..... you can only see where things go once she is out of the relationship she is in.....you have to step back and be her friend.....if she is unsure of what to do and rebounds on to you.......you could lose the friendship....because you have as the other poster said above....... heard only one side of the story there is always another......deb
Author ThingsAreComplicated Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 The situation: - She's not your friend. You are not her friend. She's a girl you want that is currently in a relationship. - You have no idea about the true state of her relationship. You want to have sex with her. It's not clear from your post if she wants it too, or if you only hope she wants it too. Maybe, she will cheat on her boyfriend with you, maybe she won't. If you are lucky, she's the kind of girl that will not leave a relationship until she has the next lined up: you. But probably she just wants someone to dump her emotional baggage on, so that she can continue to have hot sex with her current boyfriend. This might sound harsh, but you seem to live in fairy-tale land and it looks to me like you need to wake up. Doesn't sound harsh, it's a valid opinion based on the information you have. I don't fully agree though. Hot sex with her BF is a good joke, you obviously didn't read correctly. To restate it: they have sex every couple of weeks while he is ****ing around town. Really hot yeah However I agree in the point of dumping emotional baggage which leads to my basic question if this is still friendship. Your answer is: no. Which would lead to the conclusion that I need to break contact with her completely.
Emilia Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 To restate it: they have sex every couple of weeks while he is ****ing around town. I would question this woman's self esteem, self respect and backbone.
Author ThingsAreComplicated Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 alright thanks for your responses, I see a consensus on stepping back a bit, be honest about my thoughts of their relationship while taking into account that there is another side of the story. got that, thanks everyone
utterer of lies Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Hot sex with her BF is a good joke, you obviously didn't read correctly. To restate it: they have sex every couple of weeks That's what she tells you. Do you have independent verification of that information? ... thought so. However I agree in the point of dumping emotional baggage which leads to my basic question if this is still friendship. Your answer is: no. Which would lead to the conclusion that I need to break contact with her completely. Yes, unfortunately.
lilyblue Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I think you're setting yourself up to be burned if you don't take a step back. Being a rebound is awful.
Author ThingsAreComplicated Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 so she surprisingly visited me today and the issue will be resolved, one way or another. utterer of lies: you are missing the point. I value her as a person (ever heard of that?) and her obvious suffering hurts me. She deserves better and I even told her that she also has the option to leave both of us behind. I will not talk her into a relationship. So basically, I don't really care about their sexual life and the validity of information. If she intends to stay with him and run into her doom that's her decision. We all have a free will.
utterer of lies Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 utterer of lies: you are missing the point. I value her as a person Of course. But you still want her. She deserves better Such as you, of course. I even told her that she also has the option to leave both of us behind. You even told her that? I will not talk her into a relationship. So basically, I don't really care about their sexual life and the validity of information. That may be. I just got the impression that you suffered from jealousy, because you felt the need to point out multiple times how bad their sex life (allegedly) is. If she intends to stay with him and run into her doom that's her decision. Maybe she stays with him and they will live happily ever after? Look, I would be happy for you if she breaks up with her bf and starts a relationship with you. But until that happens, I just feel you should be careful about what you believe, and about what actions are appropriate as long as she is not broken up.
Author ThingsAreComplicated Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 It's beneficial to have input from all sides, so thanks. She met me in accordance with her BF so there are no games, also there are no more "actions" on my side. We have reached an endpoint where it's either yes or no. The only thing I currently believe in are my overtime hours at work. Besides that I'm safe
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