can people cheat on those they truly love?

[onthefence210]

There some folks that are driven to cheat because they have the spouse from hell at home. Hopefully, the healthy folks get out before the actual cheating. Nevertheless this form of cheating is much easier to accept. If I had been an awful H I would understand.

 

In any event some spouses are so bad that they probably deserve the betrayal.

 

I will never excuse my behavior although I had a very toxic relationship for many years. Circumstances kept me here, not financial, but kids that weren't mine (his 1st wife died at 32) and I was the only stability they had. They are now adults, but none the less I loved them too much to leave and he knew that. (I had no legal ties to them). Anyways...I confessed and ended the affair because i honestly worked a lot of yrs rebuilding myself only to be in an EA I couldn't be proud of. I lost my best friend that day. Not some guy I'd meet for sex, or sent erotic texts to. He was what I had hoped for my H until I stopped trying to change him.

True love is subjective yet gets lost in its true meaning. "Love is best seen as devotion and action, not an emotion. Love is not exclusively based on how we feel. Certainly our emotions are involved, but they cannot be our only criteria for love. True devotion will always lead to ACTION=TRUE LOVE". This is what sustains a marriage for a lifetime. I think it's what we all look for and some actually find it.

[Furious]

"Love is best seen as devotion and action, not an emotion. Love is not exclusively based on how we feel. Certainly our emotions are involved, but they cannot be our only criteria for love. True devotion will always lead to ACTION=TRUE LOVE". This is what sustains a marriage for a lifetime. I think it's what we all look for and some actually find it.

 

 

Excellent post!

[todreaminblue]

How can people cheat if they are genuinely, deaply in love with their partners?

 

I just cannot fathom it. I could NOT cheat on a guy I love. There is no way. No how.

I am flabberghasted by people who claim to be legit in love, and yet hey cheated on their supposed " loved ones".

I just am not sure if it is possible to cheat, and be truly in love.

Although I wonder wheather some people are inherently flawed, and have major issues, that makes them cheat on even people they love; is that a possibility?

 

I do not want to TELL people that I KNOW they are not in love, on the partner they cheat on, because what one man feels is not akin to ALL men.

For instance - my partner and I had a couple of threesome, because I hung out with bi sexuals and lesbians growing up, and it was a HUGE fantasy for us both- but we are in love, and we do not want to have more threesomes, it isnot something we NEEDED; we want to be monogomus and happy. We just wanted to try somethiing " out there: and " fun", and ave no need to continue sleeping with other people at all.

 

I hate to presume that I know what another person feels, and thinks; my boyfriend and I believe we are in love, very strongly, and yet other people tell US that we are not in love since we were able to haver a threesome. Some people assume he needs other women and will need them down the track because he is not into me enough and needs other women long term.

As you can see with my own situation, people judge and assume they know what m bf thinks, even though it is far from the truth. Therefore, I want to get the REAL story about people who cheat, and yet claim to be IN love with the person they cheated on.

 

I could not cheat, nor could I take back a cheater. There are other people out there who will not cheat on you.

I find it hard to see how a person could be in love and cheat on their loved one, but I am not discounting it, because so many people assume my boyfriend must not love me because of a few fun threesomes.

Lastly, to the cheaters out there - is it about that new thrill you get when you first date a new person? Is THAT fresh, exciting feeling the thing your after?

I thought time would make things less new and interesting, and thought it was a downfall of a relationship, yet the longer I know my bf, the more we seam to want each other; because we grow as people, and that is more of a turn on.. and sex is better than before.

 

 

I feel that it it all amounts to differences.....life experiences the way you were raised, circumstances, errors in judgement......i think when it comes to picking a partner you pick your poison.....your choice, your poison.... its possible to love someone and cheat......as it is possible to make a mistake......if you constantly make the same mistake over and over....its not a mistake any more.......its a problem......i dont cheat.....i would date soemone who has cheated in previous relationships.....i would not date someone who did a hit and run and left a dog in the street to die a painful brutal death because he didnt want to be late.......i find that far more abhorrent..so guess I that's my poison i cant handle.....deb

[GLDheart]

I know my ex loved me ALOT... but I think she put that on hold a bit to rationalize her affair.

 

I think it started as resentment for me working too much. But how could she be mad at me if I was doing it for the family? So she didn't tell me how she felt... but she still felt it.

 

Then when the outside stimulus of an interested Other Man approached her as a "friend" she indulged in an emotional affair. One thing leads to another... a bit of demonizing and re-written history... and VOILA! Her immoral behavior is now Just and Right in her Mind.

 

I of course was devastated when I discovered it, booted her out, went no contact, and now she resents me. She is currently punishing me through withholding my daughter from me.

 

I have a feeling she may have actually suffered from the breakup with me and that may be part of her anger at me now. Because it hurts to lose me does that mean she loved me again after all?

Edited July 3, 2012 by GLDheart

[Steadfast]

First off, what does "true love" mean? I think since it is based on an emotion this is subjective and you are going to find varying answers.

 

Love is easy. I love peanut butter and cherry jelly on toast. Being 'in love' isn't that much deeper; usually an intense attraction that may be so strong you want to marry and have children with the person. That still isn't real love because real love isn't an emotion. It's a decision. Marriage vows aren't sweet and emotional, are they? More like pointed and direct, demanding and demanding of a commitment. They demand character.

 

This question has been circling in my mind since my ex cheated, and I still don't have a definite answer. Her distant, incoherent description of 'love' did nothing but confuse the issue, although out of frustration she did once say she wasn't sure what love was anymore. After 17-years of marriage you'd think she would have figured something out? She didn't love me.

 

And that's the key I think; those of us who thought we had love and had it taken away see it through one pair of eyes. Our understanding is singular, biased and finite. Since then I've advised many who had their lives and marriages torn apart by infidelity. The common thread is anguish, disbelief, and a sickening realization that what they're getting from their spouses is far, far away from what they were promised. Not love and not loving.

 

My gut says no, but some cheating spouses wake up and realize what they've placed at risk. In the end, I believe cheating shows selfishness, which stems from a lack of character, which comes from a lack of self esteem. Like someone said; you can't love when you don't love yourself.

 

This is a fine discussion. Good thoughts and feedback here.

[Steadfast]

Then when the outside stimulus of an interested Other Man approached her as a "friend" she indulged in an emotional affair. One thing leads to another... a bit of demonizing and re-written history... and VOILA! Her immoral behavior is now Just and Right in her Mind.

 

I of course was devastated when I discovered it, booted her out, went no contact, and now she resents me. She is currently punishing me through withholding my daughter from me.

 

I have a feeling she may have actually suffered from the breakup with me and that may be part of her anger at me now. Because it hurts to lose me does that mean she loved me again after all?

 

Maybe goldheart. And maybe it just means she wants what she wants when she wants it. Like my ex, she may identify with your love more than she identifies with her own. Those who carry the load are missed the most.

[GLDheart]

I believe cheating shows selfishness, which stems from a lack of character, which comes from a lack of self esteem.

 

 

I may steal that at some point.

[SoMovinOn]

Cheat on someone you love - as in lie to them, deceive them? I don't think so. That's not love.

 

Is it possible to love more than one person? Yes. ... and, depending on everyone involved, it's possible to have R with both of them.

[Leigh 87]

WOW, I am thrilled at the responses, it was exactly the sort of conversation I wanted to have.

 

I started to question if true love, and sex with other people, could go hand in hand, when my bf and I had a threesome. We both felt very much in love, and meaningless sex with another women just did not feel the least bit threatening to what we had together. We knew it was for fun, and not something we needed because we were not satisfied with each other and our sex lives.

We could have bee very happy without having tried it. We did not " need it". We just wanted to try it.

My group of friends were all bi or lesbian growing up, and I always wanted to try it with a girl. My boyfriend also had a huge fantasy of a threesome. We met, had similar urges to have a threesome, so tried a couple out.

I felt absolutely nothing when I watched him have sex with three other women, altogether. I literally did not feel the least bit bad. At the same time, I loved him deaply.

 

A lot of people just cannot fathom being IN love, FULLY in love with a man, and for him to be FULLY in love with me, and to be able for him to have meaningless sex with a girl.

A LOT OF PEOPLE on loveshack have the audacity, to tell me that my boyfriend does not love me, and must not be satisfied with his sex life with me, and THAT is the reason he had a threesome.

I think it is incredibly ignorant and plain patronizing, for people to tell me that I am not good enough for my boyfriend, and therefore he is seeking other women. Just so ignorant.

 

So, I thought about cheating. I thought " geez, I would NEVEr cheat, and if I got to that stage where my character had the capacity for it, I WOULD RUN to a therapist, and TELL my poor boyfriend, knowing ful well he would probably leave me for a girl who DID NOT think about cheating.

That said - I would NEVER tell a person who cheated, that they did not truly love their partner, at least at ONE stage! Because although it is NOT within me to cheat, I do not like telling other people what THEY think and how THEY feel.

 

I would rather talk to people about how they feel and as them what they have experiences, rather than TELL people how they must feel.

[Leigh 87]

If my bf cheated on me, it would come out of no where, because we act like we are in love, and it does not appear like he is capable of cheating. He just does not seam like he would be able to do that to me; it feels like the bonde we have is too precious. It goes against the instict I FEEL he has towards me.

 

If he did cheat, I would absolutely not take him back. I would need to get my head around the capacity to cheat and be in love. Even if it is true, that people can be in love and cheat - I would think that if he met the right women, he would not cheat.

 

Maybe if a person cheats and claims to love their partner at home - if they met the right person to begin with, they would not have cheated in the first place?

Different levels of love, is what I am alluding to.

[pureinheart]

There some folks that are driven to cheat because they have the spouse from hell at home. Hopefully, the healthy folks get out before the actual cheating. Nevertheless this form of cheating is much easier to accept. If I had been an awful H I would understand.

 

In any event some spouses are so bad that they probably deserve the betrayal.

 

Thanks for this post Pierre. Your words helped me reconcile with an area where I used a form of justification.

 

Knowing I wasn't the easiest to live with, although not the worst either. My first husband had several affairs. It's interesting that shortly before we married my best friend told me she saw him with OW...I got angry with her and broke off the friendship. It finally got through my head after marrying that he was seeing several OW.

 

In my mind the marriage was over and started seeing another person.

 

I ended up marrying AP and repeated history as he too did the same thing and so did I.

 

I was very much in love with both of them, although when they stepped out on the marriage (multiple times for both) I knew they didn't love me enough to be true. I was and didn't so much as have a thought about another person.

 

Until this point, I have always felt justified in my reactions, but I wasn't.

 

I'm not sure why your post did this, especially after all of these years, possibly the understanding in your words...thanks again.

 

In bold, that's what did it..."I" should have done the right thing (just edited the post to add this).

Edited July 3, 2012 by pureinheart

[pureinheart]

I feel that it it all amounts to differences.....life experiences the way you were raised, circumstances, errors in judgement......i think when it comes to picking a partner you pick your poison.....your choice, your poison.... its possible to love someone and cheat......as it is possible to make a mistake......if you constantly make the same mistake over and over....its not a mistake any more.......its a problem......i dont cheat.....i would date soemone who has cheated in previous relationships.....i would not date someone who did a hit and run and left a dog in the street to die a painful brutal death because he didnt want to be late.......i find that far more abhorrent..so guess I that's my poison i cant handle.....deb

 

Excellent post deb. I had a problem with choosing men that were unable to be true, and maybe most are unable to be true. Bottom line, it was my choice. Thank you because I had some massive healing coupled with major realisations tonight:) God is soooooo good:)

 

Also, thank you OP for starting this thread...

 

Answering the OP- IMO AND experience no, beyond any shadow of a doubt.

Edited July 3, 2012 by pureinheart

[woinlove]

Maybe if a person cheats and claims to love their partner at home - if they met the right person to begin with, they would not have cheated in the first place?

Different levels of love, is what I am alluding to.

 

There certainly are different levels of love and different people are capable of different levels of love. As to meeting the right person, it all starts with meeting oneself and how one feels about oneself.

[CarrieT]

There are many for whom sex is just an exercise and activity and the acquisition of sex is a game. It has little to do with their actual feelings for another person so they delude themselves that while they love their chosen partner, having sex with another is a separate matter entirely.

 

It is a matter of polarized thought; they consciously separate the two concepts and it does not dawn on them that having sex with a person outside their own relationship is hurtful or even a betrayal of their "true feelings" towards their partner.

 

It has little to do with "true love" but moreso about RESPECT. I have known men who "truly love" their wives but don't respect them enough to provide fidelity. I have no doubt they have genuine loving emotions towards their wife, but their own brain synapses operate on such a different level to justify their indiscretions.

[Furious]

Swinging and threesomes is not cheating because you are told about it. I could care less about the sex my wife had with OM. In the end the hurt was related to the lies and betrayal. OM was a nobody and not a threat.

 

If my wife had said to me I would like to experiment I would have said yes, go ahead. However, cheaters are unable to do this.

 

 

 

Cheaters decide that they will have an open marriage on their end but the betrayed suppose must not know this.

 

The lies and duplicity is a form of abuse, that is what really hurts and damages the most.

[GLDheart]

I agree with Pierre and Furious in the above two posts.

 

If the two of you as a partnership agree to the rules of the game and are open and clear with each other, then there is no cheating.

 

Cheating is by it's very nature deceitful. From Google:

 

Cheating:

• Act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage, esp. in a game or examination: "she cheats at cards".
  
• Deceive or trick.
  

[woinlove]

Leigh, I agree with others who have said that having a threesome, an open M, or any agreed to extramarital relationships where there is no deception or betrayal, is very different than cheating.

[Steadfast]

There are many for whom sex is just an exercise and activity and the acquisition of sex is a game. It has little to do with their actual feelings for another person so they delude themselves that while they love their chosen partner, having sex with another is a separate matter entirely.

 

It is a matter of polarized thought; they consciously separate the two concepts and it does not dawn on them that having sex with a person outside their own relationship is hurtful or even a betrayal of their "true feelings" towards their partner.

 

Wholeheartedly agree. People, especially the young have a very difficult time distinguishing between care and control. I see this in my children and experienced it when I was young. I saw my parent's (or anyone who might be an elder) direction as a lack of respect for me; my intelligence, and my ability to determine what's best. In reality, what they were doing was the opposite of how I took it; they really did care enough about me to share.

 

I am disappointed to learn that you have an agenda leigh 87. Everyone, even the strongest of character eventually learns that sex and sexuality is something to be handled with extreme care. You are not the first and will not be the last to discover 'rewriting the rules' is a dead end. Sexual relationships effect us in ways we can't imagine, and no one is above it.

 

Pride cometh before the fall.

 

This is experience talking leigh...and I'll understand if you don't like it or agree. Still, take into account that you're trying to rationalize it. If your swinging threesome was so harmless, why are you looking for validation?

 

My hunch is, deep down, you know it isn't. We all experience the consequences of our actions; good or bad. Again, no one is above it.

Edited July 3, 2012 by Steadfast

[96nole]

Cheaters decide that they will have an open marriage on their end but the betrayed suppose must not know this.

 

The lies and duplicity is a form of abuse, that is what really hurts and damages the most.

 

I would like to add in where they blame you for everything. Even down to the smallest thing. Even while you're standing there, blown up, they publicly cast blame at you.

 

Even though it is complete baloney, it still hurts that person thinks about you in that way.

 

And yes, it is all a form of abuse.

[day-dreaming]

Yes, of course people can. Everyone makes mistakes. I think this question is a bit absurd-- because one could ask if people can hurt those they truly love? We all know the answer to that.

 

We have been in relationships or know those who truly love one another and who fight, scream, lie, emotionally or even physically abuse one another. Sure none of these things are right but they happen.

 

We hurt our friends, our family and those we are deeply in love with. Cheating is a bit harsher but it happens and really depends upon the circumstances.

[Leigh 87]

ahh, but the concept about cheating and threesomes is the same: IS it possible to have that elusive, rare, " true" love, and be able to willingly have sex with another person? Agreed upon sex, or not.

 

A very experienced poster, in love and relationships, claims that love is common; in love, on the other hand, is very rare, and when found, the two people are overcome with this earth shattering spiritual connection upon first meeting, and those two people are forever changed, and can absolutely NOT have sex with other people.

 

I disagree, and feel that sex is just another activity that my partner and I engaged in together, that felt natural and it is not something that is used in a negative way ( for instance, him needing other women because he is not satisfied with his monogomus relationship, or because he is not that into me or whatever bullsh*t thing people often throw about around here)

 

My bf and I felt something strage, a strange vibe when we first SPOKE even, before we even met. Something just changed in the world, somethiing we could not explain.

We feel that our love is stronger than those around us, we just feel.. way more bonded and in everything in life together, than the usual couples around us.

We have no doubt we are in love, and it is SO bizarre to me that some people instantly " know" that a guy cannot be in love, yet have a threesome.

Which brought me to the thread - being IN love, and having sex willingly with another person.

 

 

 

purinheart - your very welcome:DI hope you are better able to pick men who ARE available to you. You made me wonder... I like to think I can pick men who are really into me, and who just would not cheat.. my first bf I have had in my adult life is very bonded and close to me, and it just does not feel like he even has enough time away from me TO cheat.. it just does not feel like he would do it.... I am sure you thought your guys were decent too, yes? I hope I am a good judge of character...

[Leigh 87]

Also - what are some signs that you are with a guy who is ot 100% able to give love to ANY one? And therefore, has the capacity to cheat?

[Steadfast]

...it is SO bizarre to me that some people instantly " know" that a guy cannot be in love, yet have a threesome.

Which brought me to the thread - being IN love, and having sex willingly with another person.

 

Some will trust Leigh, and some will not. Both will learn, eventually.

[Leigh 87]

Wholeheartedly agree. People, especially the young have a very difficult time distinguishing between care and control. I see this in my children and experienced it when I was young. I saw my parent's (or anyone who might be an elder) direction as a lack of respect for me; my intelligence, and my ability to determine what's best. In reality, what they were doing was the opposite of how I took it; they really did care enough about me to share.

 

I am disappointed to learn that you have an agenda leigh 87. Everyone, even the strongest of character eventually learns that sex and sexuality is something to be handled with extreme care. You are not the first and will not be the last to discover 'rewriting the rules' is a dead end. Sexual relationships effect us in ways we can't imagine, and no one is above it.

 

Pride cometh before the fall.

 

This is experience talking leigh...and I'll understand if you don't like it or agree. Still, take into account that you're trying to rationalize it. If your swinging threesome was so harmless, why are you looking for validation?

 

My hunch is, deep down, you know it isn't. We all experience the consequences of our actions; good or bad. Again, no one is above it.

 

 

 

Actually, I was blissfully happy around the time of our threesomes, and it brought us closer. It reinforced that the feelings are as they are.

 

I only ever second guessed the threesomes, after a lot of people claim that he must not love me, to have been able to have the threesomes.

 

It made me cry a lot, because I honestly thought it was just sex, and that SOME people are able to be in love and have meaningless, agreed upon sex with others.

 

Then there were the morons who assumed he is not into me and needs other women to be satisfied...

 

Can you BLAME me for being a little take aback!!!

[nofool4u]

Selfish people are capable of cheating on those they truly love.

 

Selfish people don't know what true love is.

 

For those that think you can love someone and cheat, think of it in these terms.

 

Cheating is betrayal. It is the downright screwing over of someone you claim to "love"

 

So would you so callously screw over your own children? My children are everything to me and I love them more than anything in the world. Would I do something to hurt them? Absolutely not.

 

Therefore cheating on someone means you don't love them. Love will keep you from cheating if anything.

Edited July 3, 2012 by nofool4u