Leigh 87 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 How can people cheat if they are genuinely, deaply in love with their partners? I just cannot fathom it. I could NOT cheat on a guy I love. There is no way. No how. I am flabberghasted by people who claim to be legit in love, and yet hey cheated on their supposed " loved ones". I just am not sure if it is possible to cheat, and be truly in love. Although I wonder wheather some people are inherently flawed, and have major issues, that makes them cheat on even people they love; is that a possibility? I do not want to TELL people that I KNOW they are not in love, on the partner they cheat on, because what one man feels is not akin to ALL men. For instance - my partner and I had a couple of threesome, because I hung out with bi sexuals and lesbians growing up, and it was a HUGE fantasy for us both- but we are in love, and we do not want to have more threesomes, it isnot something we NEEDED; we want to be monogomus and happy. We just wanted to try somethiing " out there: and " fun", and ave no need to continue sleeping with other people at all. I hate to presume that I know what another person feels, and thinks; my boyfriend and I believe we are in love, very strongly, and yet other people tell US that we are not in love since we were able to haver a threesome. Some people assume he needs other women and will need them down the track because he is not into me enough and needs other women long term. As you can see with my own situation, people judge and assume they know what m bf thinks, even though it is far from the truth. Therefore, I want to get the REAL story about people who cheat, and yet claim to be IN love with the person they cheated on. I could not cheat, nor could I take back a cheater. There are other people out there who will not cheat on you. I find it hard to see how a person could be in love and cheat on their loved one, but I am not discounting it, because so many people assume my boyfriend must not love me because of a few fun threesomes. Lastly, to the cheaters out there - is it about that new thrill you get when you first date a new person? Is THAT fresh, exciting feeling the thing your after? I thought time would make things less new and interesting, and thought it was a downfall of a relationship, yet the longer I know my bf, the more we seam to want each other; because we grow as people, and that is more of a turn on.. and sex is better than before.
Artie Lang Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 i ask myself that very question. my love for somebody would totally trump any and all lustful desires. that's what TRUE love really is! 4
Athena Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I suppose there's a difference between Sex with your partner's permission and knowledge and Cheating behind their back, lying to them, then gaslighting them when they ask questions. So I guess if someone cheats on their spouse, it means they are taking a gamble of losing them (and who would idly risk their loved one?). Also, deception runs contrary to love, honesty, and openness. 1
amaysngrace Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 (edited) No. If you truly love somebody you'd never want to hurt them intentionally. Edited July 2, 2012 by amaysngrace add more 5
woinlove Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 My experience is that people who cheat are usually not even capable of true love. Some might never be and others might develop more connection, compassion and self-love that will allow them to love others more deeply. Maybe for some it is just a temporary state, not being able to really love, because they got so deep into the rationalizations and compartmentalizations. Not everyone has the same capacity for love and some cheaters may be loving their spouse and/or their AP as much as they are capable of but that may not be saying much. 6
Radagast Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I don't believe it is possible. If you really love someone, you respect them and want what is best for them. I thought I loved my ex-wife but I realised through my affair that what I felt was not love, but concern, duty, an unhealthy "white knight" syndrome and perhaps even fear. But I did not respect her and I did harbour at some very subconscious level a growing resentment towards her that I was able to acknowledge in counselling. It was only through falling in love with my then-lover, now wife, that I found out what love really is and I know I could never cheat on my wife because she is far too important to me. With my ex-wife I cared about her and for her but I also felt absolutely no jealousy when she used to tell me about flirting with other men or when she would point at other men and tell me what she'd like to do with them. Sometimes I even found myself wishing that she would, hoping that that might make her happy in a way she told me every minute of every day that I could never. To me, if you truly love someone you share all of yourself with them. You do not keep hidden parts of yourself locked away from them, because you trust them to care for all of you, even the parts you are least proud of. With my ex-wife I could never do that, I knew that she disapproved of even the good bits of me so I knew she would reject the bits of me that were not strong, successful or unafraid. And she also never shared herself with me. She kept herself to herself and did not confide in anyone, never has done. She thinks that is weak. I think if you share yourself and all of yourself with someone you cannot cheat on them, because you would tell them what was going on inside yourself and you would discuss it and resolve it, one way or another, if you truly loved them. If you really truly love someone you take care never to hurt them.
OpenBook Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 The answer to that is complicated. In long-term M's, there are so many emotions that get tied up into one partner. The line between love and hate gets thinner and thinner over time with the same person. It can get to the point where that line disappears completely. I do believe that the act of cheating is an act of hate and/or indifference toward the BS, and it is a direct result of hidden resentments, irritations, jealousies, etc. that have built up in the M relationship over time. The best kind of love would not even entertain the idea of imposing the kind of hurt that cheating would inflict on their loved one. Unfortunately, most of us have not loved that way - because a little thing called LIFE tends to keep throwing us curveballs. 2
96nole Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I don't think a cheater truly loves their spouse. In my experience, someone who is going to cheat is too selfish to truly love. They are only thinking of themselves. They only want what makes them happy. They aren't concerned if it hurts others. 1
SomedayDig Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 It is possible that cheaters have a faulty superego that allows deceitful behavior. Perhaps cheating has nothing to do with love and everything to do with being basically dishonest. I couldn't agree more with this paragraph as it pretty much describes my wife to the letter. She was so adept at compartmentalizing it was astounding. This behavior, however, was nothing that just came out of the blue. It was a learned behavior from childhood and her family of origin...along with other means of learning that sex equaled attention. Trying to say that people who cheat don't love their SO is kind of painting with too broad of a brush, and if you've ever painted, you know that there are far too many brushes to choose from. 2
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 YES. In many cases, the desire to cheat has nothing at all to do with the love or lack of it the cheater feels for their partner. They have "issues" and cheating is one of the way these manifest themselves. Sometimes, it's impulse control, sometimes it might be more like fear (of commitment, of being too close, of losing too much personal power to the loved one). All kinds of reasons, but usually it's because of a flaw in a cheater that is not going to be "cured" because they fall in love with another person. 7
serial muse Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Yes, I think it's possible. It's an extremely hostile thing to do, yes, but often I don't think cheaters are even consciously aware of just how hostile it is (until they are confronted with the evidence, in the form of the heartbreak that ensues after D-Day). People do many hostile things to one another and love may still be part of the equation -- along with swift compartmentalization and fear of honest self-analysis. amaysngrace said upthread that if you love someone you wouldn't choose to hurt them intentionally -- but that's just it: I suspect many cheaters choose to believe they aren't hurting anyone, whether because they tell themselves their partners don't care, or because they tell themselves that what their partners don't know won't hurt them. 4
Permenthri Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 No. If you really truly love someone you will be doing everything you can to protect them from hurting and you will be putting all your efforts to making them happy and you would not want to risk that for anything! 3
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 No. If you really truly love someone you will be doing everything you can to protect them from hurting and you will be putting all your efforts to making them happy and you would not want to risk that for anything! That's a good, healthy attitude … but damaged sick folks fall in love too. And a lot of them cheat. 3
cocorico Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 No. If you're cheating, you're not really loving your spouse. Love involves respect and honesty. 1
Spark1111 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 My experience is that people who cheat are usually not even capable of true love. Some might never be and others might develop more connection, compassion and self-love that will allow them to love others more deeply. Maybe for some it is just a temporary state, not being able to really love, because they got so deep into the rationalizations and compartmentalizations. Not everyone has the same capacity for love and some cheaters may be loving their spouse and/or their AP as much as they are capable of but that may not be saying much. Unless you can truly love yourself, you will never be able to love another. If you feel unworthy and less than and sad, depressed, angry or confused...then no you will not be able to love another any more or less than you love yourself. Whether you have an affair or not, seems immaterial to me in that I believe most affairs are a symptom, not a cause, of self-loathing and insecurities that make you vulnerable to the external validation of another. You could have the best, most devoted, loving spouse in the world....and still have an affair because of your own internal issues. But I do agree that the actual act of having an affair, with all the lies and deception and betrayal is one of the most unloving acts a person could commit against another. And if you claim you STILL loved your spouse during your affair then you have no clue what true love is, how you got into the mess, and why you did what you did. 4
nofool4u Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Yes - they can. Oh I don't know. I can't really see myself believing my x-wife, or any wife I might have, thinking she loves me while she is bouncing up and down on another man's member. Call me crazy. 3
nofool4u Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 My experience is that people who cheat are usually not even capable of true love. I think this sums it up nicely. People who cheat only THINK they know what love is.
onthefence210 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I think people get involved in A's for different reasons, none which excuse the behavior but reasons in their own mind non the less. I loved my H very much for many yrs although it was a very unhealthy kind of love as I was the enabler and he was the alcoholic. He broke me down emotionally to a point that I literally had to crawl out of an emotional abyss. I stayed because things got better as far as I stopped enabling to an extent where I was able to apply boundaries as to his drinking but he still had a way of making me feel guilt for the consequences that I would try to uphold. Resentment built up along with anger for me. The detachment from the alcoholic became a detachment from my M. I no longer cared what he was doing and focused on myself. I was the happiest I'd ever been with myself. We lived basically two separate lives and as long as I didn't care, or project concern for things he would do such as drinking and driving, drinking and embarrassing me and the kids...life was good. I did not love him. I spent 12 yrs like this, never with a thought of cheating in my head. I did secretly wish he'd get a gf so that I never had to give into sex as the only time he knew any type of intimacy was when he was drunk. I was happy doing my own thing. I have been in situations during that 12 yrs where I knew my boundaries where other men were concerned. I had male friends and never really felt anything but friendship for them. I had a long term EA (was physical on occasion) and didn't even really realize what was so different then my other friendships until months into it. I lied to myself for a long time, and it wasn't til I realized I wanted the OM in my life that I had to admit what I had allowed to happen. It was the emotional aspect of my A that I had never had in my M, that made it so hard for me to get out of. After confessing to my H, telling him everything because I needed him to know the truth, we went to 3 MC's all of which stated the same thing. My H and I never had emotional intimacy and sadly with ever MC stating that...he felt they were all wrong hence why there were 3. He hasn't found one that says what he wants to hear. I don't excuse what I did, nor do I regret the emotional relationship I had with the OM. So I have to agree with most posters here...true love has to exist in order to sustain a marriage. And it has to be a healthy compromise between bot the emotional and physical intimacy. Too many people hold back from the emotional because of either past hurts so they keep their hearts guarded. I kno my H has abandonment issues that stemmed from his first marriage and in turn he kept me far enough away and used his alcohol as a crutch to cope with his issues. I cheated because it I got emotionally attached to a man that lacked the same in his M. But I didn't love my H. If I did, then I would never have done what I did. Lying to the person u love just isn't possible, or at least not as easy as it became for me when I was being questioned and gaslighted for a bit. I confessed because I no longer wanted to be the person I had become...a liar and a cheat. Sick to think that I could do such a thing to my H...whether I loved him or not. He didn't deserve not to have a choice.
2sure Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Selfish people are capable of cheating on those they truly love. 2
woinlove Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 It is possible that cheaters have a faulty superego that allows deceitful behavior. Perhaps cheating has nothing to do with love and everything to do with being basically dishonest. Good point. I do think cheating says more about the individual than about any relationship. The person chose to cheat rather than to live honestly and authentically. 1
threebyfate Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Sure, the more narcissistic, the more likely people will cheat. 2
Got it Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 First off, what does "true love" mean? I think since it is based on an emotion this is subjective and you are going to find varying answers. I do agree that I cannot see betraying someone without some level of resentment or "doneness" as it is a very disrespectful act. On the flip side, I do think feelings of love are fluid so can ebb and flow over time. I do think that someone could deeply love someone at one point in their relationship, fall out of love at one point and be deeply in love later on. But during an affair, no I do not comprehend how one can say they are deeply in love with their spouse and in an affair. Just like other situations where you would be hiding things from someone, the act of doing so creates a space/disconnect from them that goes counter to intimacy and being in love. People are different so this may not follow with all individuals but from my experience I could not be in love with someone and cheat on them. 1
96nole Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 This is an excellent post that speaks to the ups and downs of love and relationships. This is specially true for the cheating spouse who often expects the betrayed spouse to make them happy 24/7. Once the spouse fails to meet that high standard resentment is easy to develop. Since the cheater needs external validation to be happy they will easily love anyone that can provide that external validation. That sounds exactly like my ex. quotes from her: "you didn't make me feel special EVERYDAY" "You didn't treat me like a queen EVERYDAY" "You didn't make me feel like I was on a pedestal EVERYDAY" 1
Furious Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) I think a Cheater can love their spouse, but may recognize only the early heady period new love as the gold standard to measure it by. A cheater perhaps prefers the Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah's couch type of feeling rather than the reality of deep attachment and the ebb and flow of a long term type of love. Only a truly remorseful spouse will do the work to keep the spouse they love. Edited July 3, 2012 by Furious 2
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