Ponzzz Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 First off I would like to say hello to everyone, I have just signed up for this forum today! So here's my story... Last Monday my girlfriend of a year and a half broke it off with me telling me that she loves me, cares for me, believes that im her soul mate, but just isn't in love with me anymore. She has just graduated from college and started her first career job and lives 45 minutes away from me. I'm still stuck in school and will be graduating in December. I understand that maybe she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now or doesn't want the commitment since we're both at different stages of our life now and at first, I understood that this break up was happening with the intentions of not getting back together. She still wants our friendship(I know that's a hard thing to do) and I haven't spoken to her since. I actually had an incredible week with friends and family, so much fun! But today I got the most intense feelings of deep sadness and emptiness. I missed her. I wanted to hear her voice and I wanted to feel her touch. I realized at this moment that I was not ready to talk to her again, that I cannot talk to her in this state of mind. She still needs to pick up her stuff from my apartment but she hasn't contacted me for it so im assuming she's still not ready to talk to me either. Maybe one day I can call her a friend again and maybe that could set the fire in us again but im not betting on it. Do you think i'm handling this the right way? I just want to get some perspective on this...
Author Ponzzz Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 Thought i'd just update on how im feeling. I appreciate everyone who reads these and I hope it helps you down the line as well. Today I am feeling better. Being a Kinesiology major makes it very easy for me to get good workouts in during class. I think I have a good general attitude towards everything that's happened but there's still this piece of me that's missing. I am happy and that last piece makes me complete. It's hard when im and incomplete me :-/. Just taking it one day at a time.
EDR88 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Hi, im sorry to hear about what's happened to you. A pretty similar thing happened to me (after a couple weeks of uncertainty she completely ended it yesterday and we started no contact today). I completely understand what you mean about feelings of emptiness. Im sorry to say but if she says she is not in love with you anymore, I do not think there is anything you can do about it. I'm sure she does still care about you and may want to remain friends but that can only happen after a long time, when you can be sure you are over her. I'v never done this before so my advice may not be all that useful to you, but i'v been reading these forums a lot over the last couple weeks and it seems to be the general consensus that you should not hold on to any hope as it will only cause you more grief, and that strict no contact is the only way forward, until you are ready to be just friends. Believe me, I know it's hard. At least for me I now know there is no hope and so all I can do is try to move on. I miss her so much though and cannot stop thinking about her. It's taking a lot to stop myself contacting her. So many things I feel like I want to say to her. I told her yesterday that I cannot be friends with her now, but maybe in the future. And maybe we will be....who knows...Time will tell. I feel your pain! Good luck to you.
Author Ponzzz Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 Thank you for your kind words She actually just contacted me and wanted to pick up a few things from my apartment. She wanted to bring her dad along, which is fine(her parents adore me) so we'll see how that goes lol. I'm sure she'll have a few things to say so im not too concerned about having a little time for chit chat. I know that this is going to be the last time in a long while before I will make contact with her again (when im ready to just be friends) and it scares the hell out of me. I'll keep everyone posted on what happens!
EDR88 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Good luck! I guess you should just listen to what she has to say and get some closure. Just don't break down/cry/beg for her back! I made that mistake with my first girlfriend and it didn't work well! Yeh, it was very strange and upsetting for me yesterday knowing that may be the last time I ever see her and that was the last conversation we would have for a very long time...possibly ever. Yet I couldn't think of anything to say. I could barely look at her. Its just so sad.
Author Ponzzz Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Well she finally left. I talked to her dad for a few minutes and they delivered some gifts to me as well. We were loading up the car and I got a few minutes to spend with her alone... She didn't have anything to say and I could tell she wasn't sure what to say. I asked her how she was feeling and she said good, working out, her job, and working on herself. I told her I was happy that she was working on herself and she told me that we'd stay friends. I told her to be patient and that it would take some time... she responded abruptly "yeah I know, i know". Something about it seemed off like either she was super nervous or that she has completely moved past me... While it's a good thing that she seemed to have a hard time finding her words, it makes me wonder if she just didn't want to hurt me. Well I guess the hard part is now starting and im almost trembling with nervousness... Time to start getting over my ex girlfriend/love of my life.
Author Ponzzz Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Hi all, Today is day one of NC with my ex. I am feeling very ****ty right now and wondering why our spark died out. I feel that I would never get a straight answer from her and hell, she might not even know why it died but I can tell you this... I wonder if that spark can ever be re-lit. Has anyone ever experienced this before? I want to first off state that I am starting to see things a lot clearly now and eventually I will progress enough to just call her a friend. How I will feel later down the road I don't know but I just don't understand WHY this friendship is soooo important to her....
BigBear Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 ...telling me that she loves me, cares for me, believes that im her soul mate, but just isn't in love with me anymore. Hi Ponzzz, There may be someone else. I hate to put that into your mind, but the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" line is about a 90% indicator that she's been with someone else. Google it. It might explain why she was super nervous, she may be feeling guilt, or odd going back to you after straying. Just a thought. Look into it and brace yourself. Good luck.
Author Ponzzz Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Thanks for responding! I know there's not another guy, or at least not another guy before the breakup. I think she's mentally checked out for now. We had been talking about her depressive thoughts and running away attitude throughout our relationship so I know for a fact that there's not another guy. She may be dating around and getting to know people right now but it's honestly none of my business. Maybe I cant help but wonder from time to time . But the point is that she wants to be friends to the point where she constantly reminds me of how much she cares for me. Could it be to just keep tabs on me or have her options open? Who knows. But if she ever wanted to be part of my life romantically again I can tell you now that it's going to take time. We are in NC right now and I don't intend on talking to her until I know that I am past it and can actually be a friend without lingering thoughts or hopes of one day reuniting.
Author Ponzzz Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 Time seems to be moving slow. It feels like we've been apart for ages but it hasn't even been two weeks since we've broken up. All I can say is that there are times where I just wish I could stop feeling... I cried today, no tears came out. These tears want to come out but I can feel my heart aching and that's how I know im crying. I get so angry about her when I randomly think of her and that anger channels into my anguish. I feel so foolish but I know deep down that this period of time will turn me into an even better man. I feel like every person I meet just runs away from me after awhile. I feel hopeless at the moment. I know things do get better and playing a pity part gets you nowhere but I just cannot get this off my mind today for some reason. It's affecting my work and ruins every morning for me. I am going out, socializing and meeting new people right now, I just want to get out of this rut and finally move on. She meant so much to me and I just can't get over it yet. Im trying so hard but I guess only time can make a difference. Thank you all for at least reading what I have to say and I hope that you too can get out of your situations as well. 1
headonstraight Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I am going through an uncannily similar situation. My ex lost interest in me and I am still healing after 3.5 weeks. I am not over her completely, and would love to someday get her back. I did more than a week of NC and twice now she's the one who reached out. I simply cannot accept to be her friend. It just won't work this soon. Maybe in a year or more. I'm simply learning to let her go, and each day is different with ups and downs, but after 3.5 weeks it's been much better than day 1 through 7. I miss her dearly, but the good news is I now have time and energy to focus on me. I'm quite confident that I will let her go sooner than later and perhaps find someone who loves me back someday. Who knows, maybe she will someday. You sound like quite the gentleman and that you care a lot for her. Either she will come to her senses and learn from this, or you will find a woman who will stick by you. Stay awesome, strong, and confident in the meantime. We're in a very similar boat and I sincerely feel for you.
Double D Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Hi Ponzzz! Sorry to hear what your going through. A break up can be one of the toughest experiences. Google 'the stages of grief' If you wanna cry - CRY! Don't deny the pain your going through its all necessary as part of the healing process. Also I notice in the tone of your writing, deep down your hoping to reconcile? Have a read about NC. Its important to think about you. By all means try + analyse what happened in your relationship, so you can continue to grow but your mindset, energy and focus should be on YOU! Be Well!
Author Ponzzz Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 I am going through an uncannily similar situation. My ex lost interest in me and I am still healing after 3.5 weeks. I am not over her completely, and would love to someday get her back. I did more than a week of NC and twice now she's the one who reached out. I simply cannot accept to be her friend. It just won't work this soon. Maybe in a year or more. I'm simply learning to let her go, and each day is different with ups and downs, but after 3.5 weeks it's been much better than day 1 through 7. I miss her dearly, but the good news is I now have time and energy to focus on me. I'm quite confident that I will let her go sooner than later and perhaps find someone who loves me back someday. Who knows, maybe she will someday. You sound like quite the gentleman and that you care a lot for her. Either she will come to her senses and learn from this, or you will find a woman who will stick by you. Stay awesome, strong, and confident in the meantime. We're in a very similar boat and I sincerely feel for you. I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing something similar headonstraight . I truly believe that people who have significant impacts on each other's lives will eventually reconnect. You may be surprised on how quickly you recover once you get out of thinking about your ex constantly. I definitely agree that I am now in a much better state of mind than I was the first week of my break up. I am also glad to hear that you're healing, however insignificant it may seem, progress is progress . Right now I would love to get her back but I know in order for me to get her back, I need to work AND think about myself (and of course get over it without the intention of getting back together). I am a firm believer that love comes back around and once somebody has loved you once, it can most definitely happen again, this time with a whole new relationship and NEW memories. Hi Ponzzz! Sorry to hear what your going through. A break up can be one of the toughest experiences. Google 'the stages of grief' If you wanna cry - CRY! Don't deny the pain your going through its all necessary as part of the healing process. Also I notice in the tone of your writing, deep down your hoping to reconcile? Have a read about NC. Its important to think about you. By all means try + analyse what happened in your relationship, so you can continue to grow but your mindset, energy and focus should be on YOU! Be Well! Thank you for your advice Double D . I am definitely working on it and starting to feel a lot better + comfortable with the situation. I believe im starting to see much more clearly what actually happened to our relationship and how I can improve on myself without the bias of loving her. I do intend to reconcile with her someday but am at a loss at how. I always live with the philosophy of "roll with the punches" and when the time is right, I will know it. I also believe that since she was the dumper, if there was ever a hope to reconcile, she should break the NC though I may be wrong lol. She values my friendship a lot and I know she does but there's also what I want and that's not to be second to somebody else . Perhaps i'll feel differently in the near future.
Mr Scorpio Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 I am going out, socializing and meeting new people right now, I just want to get out of this rut and finally move on. She meant so much to me and I just can't get over it yet. Im trying so hard but I guess only time can make a difference. No. Not only time can make a difference. I am proof of that. What makes a difference are the actions you take to help yourself heal. Actions like going out, socializing, and meeting new people. You are taking the proper steps, and over time, I don't doubt that you will heal. Keep up the good work! 1
headonstraight Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Ponzz, Just checking in to see how you're holding up pal.
Author Ponzzz Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 Sorry I haven't been on in the past few days. I'm actually doing very well so far. I had the most amazing dream about her last night though and it was something so simple, just us hanging out and having a good time. Of course I eventually woke up to realize that she wasn't here but it didn't ruin my morning like other mornings. I did wonder if she woke up in the mornings thinking the same thing. I no longer think about what I did wrong, I realized what went wrong and realized that this breakup is a necessary step for us. I don't feel compelled to talk to her knowing that she will at some point reach out to me again. If she doesn't, that's ok too. I'm not waiting around for her and I have already started to meet other women, though I haven't met anybody that I find very interesting :-/. I have done most of my analysis on our relationship and have learned my lessons from it. I don't want her to come back around in my life just to repeat the same cycle again, I want her to learn from experience that the grass isn't necessarily greener and that she really can make the commitment. I want her to find her own source of happiness and come back to her senses. I am not saying all of this for some desire that she will come back. I am living my own life right now and I am happy and having fun. I have the most amazing friends and support group that I could ever ask for . My feelings have not yet changed but it's starting to get easier to cope with. How are you feeling headonstraight?
Double D Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Hi Ponzzz! Really glad your doing well and your thought process seems to be heading the right way. Keep it going!!
Author Ponzzz Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 Thanks double d! Believe me though, its really hard to keep up the good attitude . Its especially hard when your ex tells you at the time of the breakup that she hopes she isnt making the biggest mistake of her life. Hope all is well with you!
headonstraight Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Wow Ponzz it sounds like you have made some awesome headway in coping. I'm really jazzed for you, and the great attitude you have will most certainly bring good things to you. As for me (thanks for asking), she called me twice now. Last week she called me to help her with something and I declined, telling her I was too busy with family/friends (which was true). She asked that I call her again to catch up etc. I agreed, but I'm having serious second thoughts. It will be a month post-BU this week, an I seem to become more angry with her as the days progress. Sprinkle in some other feelings too, like missing her, feeling very confident, etc. I'm all over the map, emotionally. It's clear I haven't let her go, but am well on my way. The anger and resentment helps with that. She was very mean and selfish at times, and was in denial when I told her so. I didn't deserve that. Thanks for asking Ponzz and keep moving forward! Your success is great thus far!
Author Ponzzz Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 Im glad to hear that you're starting to get over it! I agree that being friends would only be an insult to you and honestly I don't think that she has any sort of say in this matter if she was the dumper. The moment she contacted you, she lost all power and left it in your hands. I hope you start finding the answers soon enough . As for me, I had an AWFUL day at work and I found myself almost venting to myself as if I was yelling at her for this situation. Vent incoming.... Why do you tell me you love me for who I am? Why do you tell me that were soulmates? Why do you say all of these things and then the moment we spend an extended period of time apart you just drop me off? I know we talked about your commitment issues a lot and I thought we had gotten past it for the most part. Hell, you didn't even TRY to commit to anything. You got on a ****ing european cruise for 2 1/2 weeks and start feeling guilty because you weren't thinking of me the whole time? You mean you forgot about me for a little bit when you were having the time of your life!? Well no ****! I would've forgotten too for a little bit. You got back and we were trying to work our schedules out and then you suddenly just give up. You didn't even try. I wonder if you even cared... You call me and keep pulling me along and then one day you finally decide to break it off. You then tell me how you fell out of love with me and that you hope you don't regret this decision later on down the road... quit contradicting yourself and make a choice! I know there's not another guy involved because I can honestly see that you have no capability of handling another man right now. Grow the **** up and stop being afraid of everyone you open up to(me and your parents). And most of all, quit being afraid of YOURSELF! You have this sick twisted way of trying to be nice to others but instead of it coming off as nice it comes off as pure torture. You feel bad like you're hurting me just because I show you that I love and care about you? If that doesn't scream low self esteem then I don't know what does... You want to know why I didn't fight this break up? Because you have A LOT to work on! I'm the best boyfriend you've ever had eh? Well you sure pushed me away rather easily... My blood boils just thinking about the stupidity of the whole situation. You always tell me that you appreciate me and you do show it all of the time but what you're doing doesn't make sense. Work on yourself, get some self esteem, be happy with who you are, go back to therapy like you and your parents agreed on, and make a god damn choice! Sorry guys, that made me feel tons better
headonstraight Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 (edited) Venting is good Ponzz! It sure helps me. To top it off, I found yesterday out she's been dating a guy since our breakup (within days). I guess she tried to call to rub this in my face? Good for her...too bad for him. So there's my closure. Keep staying strong. You have made it very far in a short period of time. Get out there and have fun. I know I am Edited July 10, 2012 by headonstraight Spelling on damn iPhondle
Author Ponzzz Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 I'm glad you were able to find your closure honestly im quite envious of closure like that. Anyways it's been a few days since i've last posted so I thought i'd reflect on how I'm currently feeling. Not having her around town has made this transition 1000x times easier than I ever hoped it could be(plus the month that we spent apart pre BU with her cruise and bad luck on our work scheduling). I get so excited when I think about meeting all sorts of new people and having a new routine and heading down a new path but I haven't been able to shake her off yet. My mind will still naturally wonder what she's up to but not in a bad way. I have started playing some recreational sports with a few co-workers(yes they're female ) and it feels pretty nice to have a few female friends in this college town that I can honestly say I can just have fun with without any underlying emotions. I have been to plenty of bars in the past few weeks and have had a blast just hanging out and mingling with people as well. Life is pretty good and I have finally started to cease some opportunities that will allow me to start my career right out of college . I don't think I could be much happier with the progress i've made with this BU in such a short amount of time! I don't feel depressed and things seem to finally be going right for me! I rarely feel any more sadness and have started to take a new approach to my life. I have to say though, I am really enjoying it! This might sound cruel but it's honestly all thanks to her. She really has molded me into the person I am right now. It's thanks to her that I can stand up and take charge of my life. She really was the first girl who proved me wrong and showed me that I really can truly care for another individual. It's a very nostalgic feeling and of course I get the urge to show her how great I've been doing(don't worry, im not actually going to do that!). The hardest part about love is letting it run its course. It stings, it hurts, but it really has the power to change people. It's the one thing that lingers inside of you forever as it connects two hearts together. I have yet to explore everything out there in the world, why should I settle for one thing that I enjoy? I'm very excited and of course nervous to see what the future holds for me I am quite confident in myself and my ability to find someone who can truly care for me. I don't want to worry you guys, I am not looking for anyone right now. I found my first true love as I stopped looking for it and I plan for the path to be lit again someday. Thank you guys so much for your support, I really do appreciate everyone's input but most of all, I hope my stories have perhaps lit a fire in your hearts.
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