Blastoplast Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I'll try to make this as to-the-point as possible, but there are so many angles to this: 2 months ago my girlfriend decided to break off a 7 year relationship. We started dating when we were 20 & 21 and things were WONDERFUL -- with the exception of last fall when she started struggling to pay her side of the rent & bills, because she's not in a job/career where she's making enough $$$ to pay her rent AND keep up with her credit card and student loan debt -- but I was covering her bills for nearly a half year. To top it all off, she got ill at the beginning of the year with nearly $10k in medical bills -- this is all after the happiest time in both of our lives over a wonderful New Years vacation. After the dust settled, I decided to find us a new apartment much closer to where we work that would end up saving us A LOT of $$$ over time. She had let it known to me early last year that she didn't really want to be sticking around where we were too long, and that she's been looking to move for a while. I told her that we should just save up some $$$ before we take the plunge for a big move, then the night came where she told me that she wasn't moving in with me and that she can't wait around another year, and that she doesn't want to get comfortable in this new apartment (which is really nice) and be in the same situation 2 years from now. To be blunt, neither of us are making that much $$$, and we were at that time in our relationship where we need to seriously think of our future together, because we had been talking about getting married and children for a while but with our financial situation it's just not viable for both of us. She's wanted me to go back to school for years, but I had been dragging my feet for a while. She sent me an E-Mail around Thanksgiving last year (after I had been paying her bills for a while, and before she got ill) saying "X College has tons of courses, find one and do it." -- So I finally decided to register just days before she broke it off with me. Anyways, our whole break-up is because she views herself as underachieving with her degree and that she wants so much more with her life and I feel like maybe SHE'S waited too long for me to get myself together -- that maybe I've held her back because I feel she's been staying around here for me for a while. I said I'd move anywhere with her, but she doesn't want that because she wants to know she can take care of herself without the help of anybody. She says she still loves me, that she's still in love with me and that she can see us getting married and having children and having a house -- but she/we can't have any of that until she straightens herself out first, which means taking care of her debt and maybe getting her Masters or traveling overseas or WHATEVER it means for her. However, she or I can't guarantee that future because if we're apart for a while we might see other people, or ANYTHING can happen, but I can't fight these feelings I have for her because everything between us was so real and genuine and it's been tearing me apart. Her and I both agree that at the end before the break-up it just wasn't quite the same, that we were more friends than lovers, but I just attribute that to being together for so long combined with the burden of her debt that she carries on her shoulders... It's just been giving me HUGE mood swings, some days I'm depressed beyond belief because I can't get her out of my head, and other days I feel like I deserve better, and sometimes I just want to better myself so that we CAN make it work, some how or some way. I know some people will say "Well, this is her way of just breaking it off and not wanting you anymore and moving on with her life for other things" -- but we have such a connection that it can't be just that. We've been hanging out since the break up occasionally, sometimes it's fine, but sometimes she wants to get close and cuddle, and the mixed signals she sends me makes me awkward towards her -- where I can be fine one time we hang out, the next time I'm giving her a cold shoulder or showing that i'm bummed that we're not together anymore. I'm scared and excited for the future, I want to have a future for us, but I know that BOTH of us do need to get ourselves in a better position. I've made it clear that I'm willing to fight for her and do anything for her, and she's said she can see a future for us, but can't guarantee that future if we're going to be apart... And as everybody knows, the future is unwritten. So I can see where she's coming from, but at the same time I can't help but feel that maybe she just wants to break it off completely. I'm just looking for any guidance. I want to remain friends so that we can maybe have a future together, and I can't just move on because I'm positive this is the woman I should be with and that we should be with each other... it's just that neither of us are really anywhere near that goal right now and if it means being apart it's just a tough pill to swallow. I also feel that if we really were meant for each other, we should have been able to work something out. Perhaps we do just need this time apart. Again, any advice would be great!
WeAllMightBeNuts Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Leave it alone. Hope is slim, but the only hope is to have little to no communication with her. You start texting, emailing, calling, driving by, checking FB....and it's the nail in the coffin. And it still has a high percentage to be over in my opinion. But being away from the situation gives it a remotely better chance. Be busy with your needs that do not involve her. When you push through those down times, you might be amazed what you can do. And be prepared for anything. You could find she is sleeping with someone else right now! Or you go no contact and things end. Life.
Balzac Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 So she's 26 and holds a degree but is or isn't working her first BugGirl career job? Much of her dreams/needs as you tell them seem unrealistic with her education debt burden. You also mentioned Credit Card Debt? I'm sorry you're miserable. My take on a break is that it almost never works. 1
sweetheart5381 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I'll try to make this as to-the-point as possible, but there are so many angles to this: 2 months ago my girlfriend decided to break off a 7 year relationship. We started dating when we were 20 & 21 and things were WONDERFUL -- with the exception of last fall when she started struggling to pay her side of the rent & bills, because she's not in a job/career where she's making enough $$$ to pay her rent AND keep up with her credit card and student loan debt -- but I was covering her bills for nearly a half year. To top it all off, she got ill at the beginning of the year with nearly $10k in medical bills -- this is all after the happiest time in both of our lives over a wonderful New Years vacation. After the dust settled, I decided to find us a new apartment much closer to where we work that would end up saving us A LOT of $$$ over time. She had let it known to me early last year that she didn't really want to be sticking around where we were too long, and that she's been looking to move for a while. I told her that we should just save up some $$$ before we take the plunge for a big move, then the night came where she told me that she wasn't moving in with me and that she can't wait around another year, and that she doesn't want to get comfortable in this new apartment (which is really nice) and be in the same situation 2 years from now. To be blunt, neither of us are making that much $$$, and we were at that time in our relationship where we need to seriously think of our future together, because we had been talking about getting married and children for a while but with our financial situation it's just not viable for both of us. She's wanted me to go back to school for years, but I had been dragging my feet for a while. She sent me an E-Mail around Thanksgiving last year (after I had been paying her bills for a while, and before she got ill) saying "X College has tons of courses, find one and do it." -- So I finally decided to register just days before she broke it off with me. Anyways, our whole break-up is because she views herself as underachieving with her degree and that she wants so much more with her life and I feel like maybe SHE'S waited too long for me to get myself together -- that maybe I've held her back because I feel she's been staying around here for me for a while. I said I'd move anywhere with her, but she doesn't want that because she wants to know she can take care of herself without the help of anybody. She says she still loves me, that she's still in love with me and that she can see us getting married and having children and having a house -- but she/we can't have any of that until she straightens herself out first, which means taking care of her debt and maybe getting her Masters or traveling overseas or WHATEVER it means for her. However, she or I can't guarantee that future because if we're apart for a while we might see other people, or ANYTHING can happen, but I can't fight these feelings I have for her because everything between us was so real and genuine and it's been tearing me apart. Her and I both agree that at the end before the break-up it just wasn't quite the same, that we were more friends than lovers, but I just attribute that to being together for so long combined with the burden of her debt that she carries on her shoulders... It's just been giving me HUGE mood swings, some days I'm depressed beyond belief because I can't get her out of my head, and other days I feel like I deserve better, and sometimes I just want to better myself so that we CAN make it work, some how or some way. I know some people will say "Well, this is her way of just breaking it off and not wanting you anymore and moving on with her life for other things" -- but we have such a connection that it can't be just that. We've been hanging out since the break up occasionally, sometimes it's fine, but sometimes she wants to get close and cuddle, and the mixed signals she sends me makes me awkward towards her -- where I can be fine one time we hang out, the next time I'm giving her a cold shoulder or showing that i'm bummed that we're not together anymore. I'm scared and excited for the future, I want to have a future for us, but I know that BOTH of us do need to get ourselves in a better position. I've made it clear that I'm willing to fight for her and do anything for her, and she's said she can see a future for us, but can't guarantee that future if we're going to be apart... And as everybody knows, the future is unwritten. So I can see where she's coming from, but at the same time I can't help but feel that maybe she just wants to break it off completely. I'm just looking for any guidance. I want to remain friends so that we can maybe have a future together, and I can't just move on because I'm positive this is the woman I should be with and that we should be with each other... it's just that neither of us are really anywhere near that goal right now and if it means being apart it's just a tough pill to swallow. I also feel that if we really were meant for each other, we should have been able to work something out. Perhaps we do just need this time apart. Again, any advice would be great! Yep, this a tough one and I am sorry for your pain. Your best move is to move forward with what is best for you atm. At this point in your relationship it may well be for the best that you both take time to reflect on your individual selves needs, wants, etc. It will allow for a much more steady future if you both choose to be together. Love lasts forever, it's a constant. Loving relationships change, they are dynamic. Partnership bridges this gap.
Balzac Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Per chance she wanted you in class to meet new girls? Make the break up easier if you were busy and out in the dating world?
fetish1980 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 O/P, you sound like you're straddling the fence. Your love for this girl has you somewhat blinded. You guys have been together a long time but i see several problems with this relationship. It seems so one-sided, like you're the one who's trying the hardest, supporting her financially, like you should be responsible for her and her misery, etc. It's good that you're willing to be that supportive boyfriend, but what are you getting in return? She still walked away. She sounds like she has her own issues and is not able to give you the love you need right now. It is so true when they say finances is the number one reason why couples split up. She seems like she needs to get herself situated, go find herself, and get out of her own misery. You can't be apart of that, she needs to go find it for her own. So basically, you need to have it set in your mind that its over and begin to move on. If reconciliation is possible, you both should have a plan on how things would be different before jumping back in, and ample enough time for you both to grow and figure out what you want. This could take several years. I know how difficult it is to let go of a long term relationship, trust me. It was the hardest thing of my life to let go of my fiance after 8 years being together. Finances was also the thing that was responsible for our split. I loved her, still do. But sometimes when people allow themselves to continuously accrue debt and have bad spending habits too, its best to go your separate ways. You have to remember that you can't be her hero or savior. It will only end up eating at you in the long run. I can say this from personal experience. People don't usually appreciate it at the end anyway, which she's already shown by her moving out after you covered her bills. fetish 1
Author Blastoplast Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Thanks for the kind words people. It's just hard to get over because we both love each other and are still in love with each other, but I don't really want her back right now if she can't even love herself... it's just not fair to me OR her. She's acknowledged how compatible we are and how great of a couple we make, but that there's no way we can keep going on how it's been going -- and I can understand WHY she wouldn't want me to move with her because I'd be leaving EVERYTHING behind here for her after I have done so much and she has nothing here tying her down. Right now I just need to focus on my goals, and I really think it would be best for me to just stay focused on my school and well being. I can't hold on, but we would like try to remain friends at least because we do have such a great connection. Who knows what the future holds, but I understand that I need to do my best to get over it and if the right girl comes along -- give her my heart. I just don't want to end up bitter over all this!
Author Blastoplast Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 Well she came over to pick something up today, it was fine we were just chit chatting. Then I came out and said it's hard for me to be friends with you because I'm still in love with you and it's just weird to be friends when I'm always going to want more than that. She said the same old stuff, that she just needs to do this on her own, that our intimacy was suffering either because of her shortcomings or because of us and that she needs to know she can take care of herself. I decided it would be best for us to not see or talk to each other for a while while we still heal. So I'm going NC for a bit -- going to give it at least a month and we'll go from there. We hugged, cried a little bit and she left. Damn this is so hard
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