CGB Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 My fiancé' and I have been together for two years. The first year we dated she was living one hour away. she has a teenage son and a seven-year-old daughter. In May 2011 we moved her and her two children to move to my hometown to start a life together. We had an unplanned pregnancy right before they moved, and we' were all very happy about it. Several weeks after they moved we found out that she had miscarried. We all including our family were very hurt and we did everything we could to move on. We both had plans of getting married as soon as she moved here but it seems the difficulties postponed our goal. Several months after that she became pregnant again and shortly thereafter again miscarried. I have never had children in my past marriage so it was something that I was really looking forward to. I am 42 and she is 39. Over the last six months we've going through life all trying to exist together with me learning how to raise two children that are not my own. I will mentioned that she can be very emotionally distant and not very affectionate only by my requests since the beginning of our relationship. Six weeks ago we decided that we were not getting along, and she moved out with her to children. She moved to a friends house for several weeks and then decided that she did not want to move back to our home and get her own condominium. We started couples counseling one month ago and have been three times. Every week has been different some week she's very open and some weeks she's very closed off. She is now telling me that she doesn't know if she'll ever be able to be what I need her to be, with openness and affection. Also now she is saying that she's very certain that she would never want to start a family with me and that's something that I've always wanted since we start first started dating.* One of the reasons that she is displeased with me is me flirting with other girls during our first year of our relationship, but I have never slept with anyone else since we met. I'm completely aware that it's not correct and not Christian like behavior but I was very unsure of our relationship at that time. I've also lied to her from time to time, and one of the issues was me looking at pornography and lying about it. The only thing that I can come up with for the reason that I do look at pornography is because the lack of affection,,, I guess I'm trying just to get attention for myself... This of course caused a trust issue between us. She has been living in her condominium with her two children for a couple of weeks now and I've helped her move and set up her house and try to except it the best way I can. She says she wants to keep going to counseling but in the last week has*canceled plans for the last couple of things that we had planned together. Over the last few weeks I've given her several cards flowers and been very open about my love for her and wanting to make things work and that I'd do anything I can to make it happen. She has not reciprocated any of the cards or expressed her love for me only if i said something first...but continues again to want to go to counseling....I told her several days ago that I could not any longer keep up my level of positivity because I was not getting anything back from her over the last several weeks. I think my only option at this point, is to give her a ton of space and time of time to think about life,love, and our relationship. At first, when we started going to counseling I was full of positivity and ready to do everything I had to do to lead her and help her be positive. We were having sex the first two weeks, but that has also gone away. She says it clouds everything for us and she's not ready to be intimate again. In the last couple of weeks I feel like a fool by doing everything to make things work, and not getting much in return. Our counseling session is a week and a half away. Can someone please shed a little light on this that has gone through this themselves...?
WeAllMightBeNuts Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Seen friends in similar situations. For them, the woman in the relationship was not happy within themselves. Then, because of this, they would project that on their significant other. This person (guys) would then feel it their duty to fix what was wrong, which of course is impossible to do because she is the one unhappy with HERSELF. Know where they ended up? Couples counseling. Where they found out the guys were happy and cool which totally pissed the women off 'cause they wanted the counselor to have it be the guys fault and throw the responsibility of problems and fixing them once again.....on others. I'm sure it can happen in reverse too with guys being the big problem. I'm just relaying what I've seen that sounds very similar to your case. Both of these couples finally ended it, and both guys now say they wish they would have done it sooner but couldn't see what was going on 'cause they were in the middle of it. Run Forrest Run!!!
pteromom Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Yep, lying dries up feelings, for sure. It COULD be that she is just unhappy with herself, or it could be that she is unhappy with you, and she is deciding whether to continue the relationship or not. I would guess the second, since you are admitting that you've lied to her repeatedly.
Tallblueyed Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Just a thought...is there a chance that she is being driven by the notion that you want a (new) family and she might not be willing or able to have more children - after all, she has been there done that (and may not want to start over). Just a thought, pure conjecture on my part - I hope it doesn't offend you.
carhill Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Can someone please shed a little light on this that has gone through this themselves...? BTDT, my advice is to let her go. No human should have to beg for affection and emotional support from a person who purportedly loves them. At minimum, there are incompatible emotional styles. Scary version is that she's letting you love her. My M was like that. Nip it in the bud before you commit your life work to marriage.
Steen719 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Just a thought...is there a chance that she is being driven by the notion that you want a (new) family and she might not be willing or able to have more children - after all, she has been there done that (and may not want to start over). Just a thought, pure conjecture on my part - I hope it doesn't offend you. Additionally, she has had 2 miscarriages and is 39 y/o. People react to miscarriages in varying ways. I had one when my son was 2. I did not get pregnant again and it was a conscious decision. I was older and I decided that nature may have done what it supposed to do and I was grateful for my one child who was healthy. I also did not have any emotional issues because of it, other than sadness for a time. I think it does not seem as if she desires a marriage with you. As Carhill says, the emotional support and affection should be natural between the 2 of you. The chance for a family of your own may not be possible with her and only you know if that is a motivator for you to move on. Either way, she does not seem to be invested in making this work; my opinion. Good luck.
Recommended Posts