Ladydrib Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Not sure why, but tonight I am feeling the loss of walking away from my affair more than usual. I have to admit, thoughts of talking to him went through my head. But that would be a complete disaster if I contacted him so I am staying strong. But the conflict still hurts. And I find myself wanting him to contact me, and he does not, and that hurts. I hope if or when he does I simply don't respond... so it is not even logical that I would want to hear from him. I guess it is just painful to fall in love with someone who most likely will never be yours. I don't even know how this all happened. I can remember in the beginning, when we only knew each other professionally, he said things I thought were a little odd, and a little inappropriate. I thought to myself, "Is this guy really saying that? But somehow anything he said did not cross into the realm of "creepy". I thought he must be crazy to think I would be interested in him. And at the same time, and I never understood it, but I did get some unexplainable butterflies when I would cross paths with him. I am so confused. What a mess. I don't feel like I can ever love anyone again. That hurts terribly.
Silly_Girl Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I know it's hard. It's traumatic and upsetting and leaves you feeling as though you don't know up from down. It's a massive headf**k. It was the emptiness that hurt the most for me. Feeling as though I was a shell, a body-shaped, hollow shell. Please believe me, this is NOT the end for your heart. It's not. It feels like it and as you're reading this I'm sure you're thinking I'm full of sh*t, or I don't understand. But I do. Go back to my old posts. I really DO understand. I also know that it is possible for a broken, shattered and deflated heart to very slowly - VERY slowly - heal itself. And it does a good job. And one day it will work just as well as if none of this happened. The scars will show on the surface but you will be able to love. It may take a while and you may put up barriers and keep worthy, lovely guys at arms length, but eventually you'll feel ready to try again. But this time you're smarter, you know yourself better and you know so well - having had it previous - what it is you want and need. I beg you to trust me on this. Life can and will be wonderful again!
Author Ladydrib Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 Thank you Silly Girl. I try to think that the pain is only temporary too. Just like any other pain. The thing I am struggling with the most and the reason I fear I cannot love again, is because when I love someone, everyone else falls so short of that person. It is hard to see how I can love anyone again since no one is him. At this point, he still seems perfect to me in every way, because I am so in love with him. It makes no damn sense to me at all and really drives me crazy.
ac11442 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I'm in the same boat as you. It's been a month since we've spoken and it really sucks. He lives 200 miles away so we only saw each other once every couple of months but we talked every day for hours. Honestly that's what I miss the most. Last month I did go visit him, though, and his wife had pictures of my car near their house. This was the 5th (yes 5th) time she has caught him with me and they always 'work it out'. I don't get it either. But this last time was, I'm hoping, the last time. I'm trying to stay strong, hence why I ended up here, looking for support I guess. I can't offer you advice, I'm still trying to figure my own stuff out. But I can tell you I understand how you feel and how hard it is. Maybe we can help each other be strong enough to stay away!
EmptyHeartGirl Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I know how you feel! It continues to be difficult for me. It has been 7 months since he sent me an email, which I did not respond to, and 16 months since I last saw him. The hurt and emptiness is still there. I will say that my pain is not nearly as intense as it was last year, so I hope that gives you a little hope that it won;t hurt AS bad as more time passes. Stay strong and WHEN he does reach out to you, DO NOT REPLY. From personal experience it will set you back 100 times. As good as it will feel to see that text, or phone call, or email, it will hurt you more in the long run, so please don't fall back in the trap, you are doing well and will continue to do well away from that toxic relationship. Good Luck!
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