columbia1 Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 My ex and I did not have a great end to our relationship. He was with someone else and blame the end of our relationship on me (although the insecurity I was felling was well-founded). I recently found out he was engaged to be married (to the "someone else") and after I digested the information for awhile sent him a brief email expressing my congratulations and remarking things had obviously worked out for the best. After not hearing from him for months (because I had done what a lot of ex's do I had gone a little crazy at the end and tried to contact him to understand what had been going on and tried to get answers) I was surprised within minutes of my message he responded, thanking me and letting me know it meant a lot for him that I said that. I let it go at that - what else could I do anyway, wish him a lifetime of misery? - but I have to admit, his wording (and response has me curious). I realize it is politeness to thank someone for good wishes, but the smart-aleck in me (the one who was deeply hurt by what he did and how he did it) thinks, why does it matter to him if I wish him well or not? He lied to me and was a jerk at the end of our relationship and I should hate him and never want to speak to him again. But my nature, although sarcastic at times, doesn't hold grudges. From the time our relationship ended until now I have tried to remember that his actions at the end of our relationship do not define him as a person (nor do mine), and that in situations like this (difficult ones, like ending a relationship) we all make bad choices and do things we shouldn't. And whatever we think we deserve as humans or people, no one owes us anything. Explanations, responses, attention, anything. We might want people to do one thing when they communicate with us, but they are going to communicate in the best way they know how. Anyway, hopefully that makes everyone understand that I don't still hold a torch for this guy. I understand our relationship is over - because of what happened at the end and the mud that was thrown in both directions, and because he and I have differences in our way of living life that he doesn't have with his fiance. But I am curious as to why he said it meant a lot to him that I wished him well ... we aren't going to be hanging out, or socialize again like we used to ... so why didn't he thank me and leave it at that? It wasn't like he labored over what to said, he responded pretty quickly so he must have meant it, but can anyone shed any light on why what I think matters at all? To me, it doesn't and shouldn't...and yet I can't help wondering why.
january2011 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Why indeed? Perhaps he was grateful that you were being gracious about it all. Who knows? It's done. He's getting married to someone else. You said you don't hold a torch for him, so dissecting what he's thinking and what you're thinking about his thinking, seems like an exercise in futility and frustration. You've probably got many other things going on in your life that could benefit from a transference of the mental energy that you're currently spending on him and trying to get into his mind.
Balzac Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Yup, agreed, waaaaay too much energy focused on his response.
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