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Posted

I haven't talked to my ex for at least 2 months, maybe longer...that is, up until yesterday. And the timing couldn't have been worse, due to the fact that I had a first date with someone new last night...and unfortunately, I let something that my ex said to me upset me. So much to the point where I had a really hard time letting it go prior to my date.

 

I ran into him early afternoon yesterday on the same personals website that I met him on when we started dating last March. I figured that since it had been a couple of months & that I was over having any hope of reconciliation, I'd just drop him a quick, plutonic note to say hello. The conversation went like this:

 

Me: Back at it again, huh? Good luck...

 

Him: Eeeehh, not really. How are you?

 

Me: Okay, I guess...met some interesting people here & there...have a first date tonight with someone new, actually. We'll see how it goes. His kids are grown, so I'm hoping there isn't going to be any custody battle BS to have to listen to like the last guy I dated.

 

Sooooo...what do you mean by "not really"? Just bored? Last time I talked to you, you said that you were sick of dating. Got an itch to scratch?

 

Him: Yes, I do. Feel like working those nails on me?

My jaw just dropped. One, I was already suprised that he even replied to me to begin with. Two, when we split up, my ex had tried to corral me into the FWB thing, of which I flat out refused & pretty much read him the riot act for even suggesting in the first place. Three, the last statement I'd made to him in this conversation wasn't supposed to suggest that he was just looking to get out & get laid, but that maybe he was genuinely bored. But that fact after everything that I went through with him during our breakup, for him to come back with this kind of response to me...unbelievable. It was so completely unnecessary & rude, not to mention low-class, tacky & in extremely bad taste. This man knew exactly how bad he'd hurt me when when we broke up, and I wasn't quiet in letting him know about it. And there he was again, flipping the bird towards any lingering hurt that I might have had over our breakup.

 

Me: You've gotta be joking.

 

G*** my dear, I'm really sorry to think that somehow you've got an idea in your head that maybe what I wanted before has changed...not the case. I'm a package deal. Why would I be interested in giving a piece of myself to someone who was so damn mean to me before?

 

Not trying to be bitchy, Mr. V****, but the fact that you'd even ask me that clearly shows that you don't feel one bit sorry or even adknowledge that what you did to me was really messed up. Too bad you can't be honest about what it is that you're after on your profile. Why bother with the BS?

 

Him: Wow..........

 

Me: Just being honest. You hurt me. I'm over it, but I haven't forgotten about it. And as much as I liked you and as well as we got along, I still can't understand why you flipped out on me like you did.

 

Hope you find what you're looking for. I just hope the next girl you snare has a thicker skin than I did.

 

Haven't heard back from him since.

 

In one sense, I feel bad about letting him get me upset as easily as he did. I should have probably know better, and I should have taken the higher road. I know the fact that I even let him get me upset to begin with signifys that yes, there's a part of me that still cares a little. Sue me, I'm a human being and I'm fallible. But after this conversation, I was so flabbergasted at why in god's name he could been such a jerkoff/moron/insensitive jerkoff that he could even suggest something like this. And even if he we was joking, it was so far from being funny it was unreal. I was like Teri Garr in Tootsie screaming in Dustin Hoffman's kitchen: "What are you SAYING to me?!"

 

I really don't believe that most people are really just that mean, or stupid, or otherwise, but considering the circumstances of what happened between us, what he said to me was *awful*. And unecessary. So much that I sent one final note to him this morning just to get it off my chest:

 

Me: I really wish I knew why you said that to me yesterday. That was so...*awful*. You can't tell me that you didn't think I'd get upset. I don't understand why when it comes to me that you're so damn mean when I never did anything to deserve it.

 

Seriously, how'd you like it if someone treated your daughter like you've treated me?

 

Jeezus, G***. At least all I was trying to do was be friendly.

 

Of course, no reply this time. Didn't expect one. You know, I never cheated on the guy, lied to him, treated him badly, or anything of the sort. So you guys tell me, how in the world could an ex be this much of a jerk? I honestly don't know if he was deliberately trying to upset me or what.

Posted

Some men don't give a crap how they treat someone. They have rules for their gfs and other rules for the way they thing people should treat their sister and mother.

 

Just leave this guy alone. He's an immature a$$. Maybe you are just seeing the real him. Cut ALL contact off with him.

  • Like 1
Posted

Eh that sucks.. reading your post I understand that he didn't treat you well when you were together, don't be surprised by his answer.

 

You're better off cutting contact all together, it will save you more heartaches :bunny:

Posted

I think you are a sucker for punishment.

 

you were trying to talk to him as a person.

 

he doesn't see you as a person but as a thing for sex so if you aren't going to put out, he has no use for you.

 

i read your back story and no way would i have contacted this guy ever for any reason.

  • Like 1
Posted

Hmm I havent read your other posts so don't know much about him, but to be completely honest I think you way overreacted on this. Im not trying to be rude just my opinion but I took his response as silly/playing around. Im sure a part of him was just testing the waters with you but I defitnetly did not think it was worth getting upset over. I think the reason he replied "wow" was because you went from nice/clever to suddenly going off on him. I gotta say I was surprised by your reaction too.

  • Author
Posted
I think you are a sucker for punishment.

 

you were trying to talk to him as a person.

 

he doesn't see you as a person but as a thing for sex so if you aren't going to put out, he has no use for you.

 

i read your back story and no way would i have contacted this guy ever for any reason.

 

In the last 6 months in my job, I've had to read "The 5 Dysfunctions of a Team" twice. One of pieces of advice the book gives is to ask one's self if they really believe someone else had bad intentions, and if they gave that same person the benefit of the doubt before they jumped to conclusions. I believe whole-heartedly in carrying these same ideas forward in life...especially giving someone the benefit of the doubt.

 

Yes, I was trying to talk to him as a person...and like I said, I honest to god really didn't think he'd reply to me at all. Based on the fact that he tried to talk me into being friends with benefits when we broke up, I refused and then he refused to talk to me anymore, I went into even sending him a message with zero inclination of getting a reply. When he did, and I was completely taken aback, I immeadiately wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt & see if maybe he'd grown up a bit since the last time we talked. Maybe see if there was any kind of hint of remorse over the way things turned out & make an honest attempt at being adults. I mean, I'm almost 40 and he just turned 47. Most people our age that I know move on past this kind of BS when they get to this stage of their lives.

 

I don't make any kind of a common practice of talking to any of my exes, save for one that is an acquaintance on Facebook, and I dated him a million years ago. I mean, they're your ex for a reason, but I like to give the benefit of the doubt that people can evolve. I've had a few exes in the past that made a point to contact me to tell me that they were sorry for how they treated me, it is what it is. But I've never had one that ever did this. I wound up caring for this guy, even if it was for a short amount of time. He knew that I cared. He knows that I'm not a stupid woman. He also knows I was very hurt over how he treated me when we broke up. And while he doesn't necessarily have to care, I gave him the benefit of the doubt to not be a douchebag, act like he's got actual human DNA & have a little common GD decency.

 

Karma's a bitch. I'm a little shocked he hasn't heard this one yet.

  • Author
Posted
Hmm I havent read your other posts so don't know much about him, but to be completely honest I think you way overreacted on this. Im not trying to be rude just my opinion but I took his response as silly/playing around. Im sure a part of him was just testing the waters with you but I defitnetly did not think it was worth getting upset over. I think the reason he replied "wow" was because you went from nice/clever to suddenly going off on him. I gotta say I was surprised by your reaction too.

 

Oh yeah, you're right. Someone that I used to care about & started to open my heart to talking to me like I'm a complete whore isn't anything to get upset over at all.

 

Are you kidding? Do you know him or something? Yikes.

Posted
In the last 6 months in my job, I've had to read "The 5 Dysfunctions of a Team" twice. One of pieces of advice the book gives is to ask one's self if they really believe someone else had bad intentions, and if they gave that same person the benefit of the doubt before they jumped to conclusions. I believe whole-heartedly in carrying these same ideas forward in life...especially giving someone the benefit of the doubt.

 

Yes, I was trying to talk to him as a person...and like I said, I honest to god really didn't think he'd reply to me at all. Based on the fact that he tried to talk me into being friends with benefits when we broke up, I refused and then he refused to talk to me anymore, I went into even sending him a message with zero inclination of getting a reply. When he did, and I was completely taken aback, I immeadiately wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt & see if maybe he'd grown up a bit since the last time we talked. Maybe see if there was any kind of hint of remorse over the way things turned out & make an honest attempt at being adults. I mean, I'm almost 40 and he just turned 47. Most people our age that I know move on past this kind of BS when they get to this stage of their lives.

 

I don't make any kind of a common practice of talking to any of my exes, save for one that is an acquaintance on Facebook, and I dated him a million years ago. I mean, they're your ex for a reason, but I like to give the benefit of the doubt that people can evolve. I've had a few exes in the past that made a point to contact me to tell me that they were sorry for how they treated me, it is what it is. But I've never had one that ever did this. I wound up caring for this guy, even if it was for a short amount of time. He knew that I cared. He knows that I'm not a stupid woman. He also knows I was very hurt over how he treated me when we broke up. And while he doesn't necessarily have to care, I gave him the benefit of the doubt to not be a douchebag, act like he's got actual human DNA & have a little common GD decency.

 

Karma's a bitch. I'm a little shocked he hasn't heard this one yet.

 

That's nice and all but why contact someone who didn't treat you well in the first place? Why would you want them back into your life?

 

I'd give the benefit of the doubt to someone who deserves it, like a friend, or a relationship in which I was treated fairly well and ended badly. But in your case, the guy was a jerk..

 

I think you probably have remnant feelings for him and was hoping to get a different answer.

 

Anyway, no worries, at least you can move on for good now.

Posted

You wanted tje last word and you had gotten it. Your final response however was a ploy to illicit a response. It just made you vulnerble. If words can change the world we would have world peace but your ex was a douchebag to you. Leave it and move on for your own sanity.

  • Author
Posted
That's nice and all but why contact someone who didn't treat you well in the first place? Why would you want them back into your life?

 

I'd give the benefit of the doubt to someone who deserves it, like a friend, or a relationship in which I was treated fairly well and ended badly. But in your case, the guy was a jerk..

 

I think you probably have remnant feelings for him and was hoping to get a different answer.

 

Anyway, no worries, at least you can move on for good now.

 

I view my relationship with him just as that...it was good when it was going on, but it ended badly, namely to him doing a one-eighty and acting like an insane person. Again, I had no expectation of him replying. But when he did, I had hoped that might have been an indication that he'd gotten over whatever made him flip out on me in the first place. Clearly, I was wrong. Some leopards never change their spots.

 

Yes, I can move on...and I had actually done so. I've dated several men since we split...but I guess the upset came from the fact that I couldn't believe that someone who knew that I had started to care about him, even if it was short-lived, could talk to me like I was just some sort of a regular booty call. I don't care if it was even a joke, it was really tasteless. And hurtful.

 

I just hate being disappointed by people when they don't act like people. Know what I mean?

Posted

Listen, I gave my bf the benefit of the doubt time and time and time again. I tried to understand his bad behavior and tried to except his flaws. At some point, you have to say ENOUGH!

  • Like 1
Posted
Oh yeah, you're right. Someone that I used to care about & started to open my heart to talking to me like I'm a complete whore isn't anything to get upset over at all.

 

Are you kidding? Do you know him or something? Yikes.

 

Yikes is what I thought when i took the time to read your other posts about this man. Except..it was YOU i couldnt believe. In fact the word "psycho" came to mind several times. This man gave you ALL of the signs that he just was not that into you. Being just one year after divorce following a 25 yr marriage it was ridiculosly clear what this man was looking for. And that was/is just to be single and explore single life.

 

Yeah he was immature about some things (the post you made about him refusing to speak on phone) but you continued to suffocate and pester him (yes, thats right! and after only 3 wks??!) by calling, texting, emailing so many times that he was eventually very blunt with you and straight up told you he could not give you what you wanted. How you could not see/accept that is truly beyond me..guess love really is blind.

 

Face it, you straight up scared this man away and I cant blame him. When you flipped out this last time over such a SILLY comment you just proved to him that some things never change.

  • Author
Posted
Your final response however was a ploy to illicit a response. It just made you vulnerble./QUOTE]

 

Actually, you're wrong on that count. It wasn't a ploy. I don't play games like that. I had one final thing to say to him, I said it, got it off my chest & felt somewhat better, but I wasn't interested in engaging in another conversation with him again. It's not my responsibility to make him see when he's being an *******, because karma is going to come around sooner or later & do the job for me. But I'm certainly not one to not stand up for myself. I said what I had to say & that was it. I don't expect any kind of apology. The fact that even said what he said to begin with just proves that he's not sorry for anything, or at least doesn't know how to be.

  • Author
Posted
Yikes is what I thought when i took the time to read your other posts about this man. Except..it was YOU i couldnt believe. In fact the word "psycho" came to mind several times. This man gave you ALL of the signs that he just was not that into you. Being just one year after divorce following a 25 yr marriage it was ridiculosly clear what this man was looking for. And that was/is just to be single and explore single life.

 

Yeah he was immature about some things (the post you made about him refusing to speak on phone) but you continued to suffocate and pester him (yes, thats right! and after only 3 wks??!) by calling, texting, emailing so many times that he was eventually very blunt with you and straight up told you he could not give you what you wanted. How you could not see/accept that is truly beyond me..guess love really is blind.

 

Face it, you straight up scared this man away and I cant blame him. When you flipped out this last time over such a SILLY comment you just proved to him that some things never change.

 

Yes, I was so psycho, wasn't I. You're forgetting all the times I drove by his house, dug through his garbage, tattooed his name on my rear end, and even kidnapped him one night, drugged him and forced him to fork over his sperm so I could freeze it & one day have his baby.

 

Clearly, you really didn't actually read anything I posted about this man, I find it interesting how you could say that I scared him away when I head clearly posted that his reasoning for breaking up for me is when I suggested one weekend that he go hang out with his friends because he had made mention of wanting some "guy time" and somehow that got twisted into my wanting a commitment, which is absolutely rediculous. And yes, how could I not see he wasn't into me...especially when we talked all the time. And he wanted to meet my friends. And bought me flowers. And wanted to take trips together. And told me he was crazy about me. Yeah, how could I not see that. Stupid me.

 

Look, clearly you're someone that doesn't have a problem with an ex talking to you like you're some kind of a random booty call, had zero regard for the fact that you're a human being, and is okay with someone flipping out on you & acting like they're 47 going on 16. If that's you, fine. But most people like myself, aren't down with that. The majority of people commenting here don't appear to be either. So really, if you're trying to offer help, being insulting and being quick to flip the "psycho" card doesn't do it. A lot times, it isn't deserved and it's pretty judgemental.

 

I don't apologize for having self-respect & standing up for myself. Who are you to try to make me feel otherwise? That, in itself, is also pretty crappy. Thanks a lot.

Posted
Yes, I was so psycho, wasn't I. You're forgetting all the times I drove by his house, dug through his garbage, tattooed his name on my rear end, and even kidnapped him one night, drugged him and forced him to fork over his sperm so I could freeze it & one day have his baby.

 

Clearly, you really didn't actually read anything I posted about this man, I find it interesting how you could say that I scared him away when I head clearly posted that his reasoning for breaking up for me is when I suggested one weekend that he go hang out with his friends because he had made mention of wanting some "guy time" and somehow that got twisted into my wanting a commitment, which is absolutely rediculous. And yes, how could I not see he wasn't into me...especially when we talked all the time. And he wanted to meet my friends. And bought me flowers. And wanted to take trips together. And told me he was crazy about me. Yeah, how could I not see that. Stupid me.

 

Look, clearly you're someone that doesn't have a problem with an ex talking to you like you're some kind of a random booty call, had zero regard for the fact that you're a human being, and is okay with someone flipping out on you & acting like they're 47 going on 16. If that's you, fine. But most people like myself, aren't down with that. The majority of people commenting here don't appear to be either. So really, if you're trying to offer help, being insulting and being quick to flip the "psycho" card doesn't do it. A lot times, it isn't deserved and it's pretty judgemental.

 

I don't apologize for having self-respect & standing up for myself. Who are you to try to make me feel otherwise? That, in itself, is also pretty crappy. Thanks a lot.

 

Im surprised a woman your age doesnt know more about men. That guy did all those things to get SEX! And it worked...Did you two actually have a title? As in "this is my girlfriend so and so"? Because if not then im sorry to tell you he used you for sex. I also find it so hypocritical that you were sleeping with the man three weeks in, yet you act so holier-than-thou now to such a stupid remark?

Posted

I myself would never want anything long-term with a woman that would have such a reaction to the comment in question.

 

Take that for what you will.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted
Im surprised a woman your age doesnt know more about men. That guy did all those things to get SEX! And it worked...Did you two actually have a title? As in "this is my girlfriend so and so"? Because if not then im sorry to tell you he used you for sex. I also find it so hypocritical that you were sleeping with the man three weeks in, yet you act so holier-than-thou now to such a stupid remark?

 

Yes, as a matter of fact, he did call me his girlfriend. And insisted that I refer to him as my boyfriend. And when & where I choose to be intimate with anyone is my business, and I don't have to explain that decision to anyone. Nor does any woman in this day & age. My being comfortable in my sexuality doesn't give him or anyone else the right to talk to me that way, and that's the bottom line. I don't even let men that I barely even know talk to me that way. But what I seem to be getting from you, is that just because I chose to be intimate with a man who I was dating and not some random one-nighter, that it's okay for him to talk to me like that. Really. If my reaction is supposedly holier-than-thou, then I need to drop my current vocation & get myself into the priesthood, because I'm going to be keep on being a holy roller. Amen, amen, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMEN!!!!

  • Author
Posted
I myself would never want anything long-term with a woman that would have such a reaction to the comment in question.

 

Take that for what you will.

 

 

Fair enough, but the question is, why would you be jerky enough to make the comment to begin with? That's the real issue here. It's pretty tacky.

Posted
Fair enough, but the question is, why would you be jerky enough to make the comment to begin with? That's the real issue here. It's pretty tacky.

 

Not to me. I don't feel it's jerky. Joking, jovial, testing, edge of risque' maybe. Wouldn't bother most that I know.

 

The real issue is that a comment is made that a person is very sensitive too and I, as well as others, disagree with your reaction. You feel it's wrong and bothers you to this day and are looking to others to agree with your assessment of the comment.

 

You've found that some, maybe many, disagree with you. Now it seems you feel you have to keep defending your position to make others agree with you 'cause it would be impossible for you to be wrong. Right?

  • Like 1
Posted
Yes, as a matter of fact, he did call me his girlfriend. And insisted that I refer to him as my boyfriend. And when & where I choose to be intimate with anyone is my business, and I don't have to explain that decision to anyone. Nor does any woman in this day & age. My being comfortable in my sexuality doesn't give him or anyone else the right to talk to me that way, and that's the bottom line. I don't even let men that I barely even know talk to me that way. But what I seem to be getting from you, is that just because I chose to be intimate with a man who I was dating and not some random one-nighter, that it's okay for him to talk to me like that. Really. If my reaction is supposedly holier-than-thou, then I need to drop my current vocation & get myself into the priesthood, because I'm going to be keep on being a holy roller. Amen, amen, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMEN!!!!

 

Lol OP, you misunderstood me. Im not judging on why you decided to be intimate or how or why etc..I firmly believe any woman can exercise their sexuality however they want to without having to be stigmatized.

 

Im not going to keep arguing with you cuz its a lost cause but what

I was very origionally trying to say ( before you attacked my intial post) is that I didn't think his comment was that big of a deal. I dont think he was trying to be condecending or anything like that. Maybe since this last email you had with him was all through writing you took it the wrong way as things dont always come across the way they were intended online.

 

I suggest you stop letting his comment bug you and forget about him altogether. Those are my two cents. Best of luck to you.

Posted

Let me get this straight: You contacted him, asked him if he had an itch to scratch and he responded by asking if you wanted to scratch it. Then you got mad at him for suggesting it? Sorry, but I don't think he was being mean and I think that you overreacted. In fact, you kinda walked right into that one.

 

Just stop contacting him, you obviously are looking for two different things.

  • Author
Posted
Not to me. I don't feel it's jerky. Joking, jovial, testing, edge of risque' maybe. Wouldn't bother most that I know.

 

The real issue is that a comment is made that a person is very sensitive too and I, as well as others, disagree with your reaction. You feel it's wrong and bothers you to this day and are looking to others to agree with your assessment of the comment.

 

You've found that some, maybe many, disagree with you. Now it seems you feel you have to keep defending your position to make others agree with you 'cause it would be impossible for you to be wrong. Right?

 

Actually, if my point in even contacting him to begin with was in hopes of reconciling, then I would actually agree that I overreacted. But that was never the point. I ended that first e-mail with "good luck". And I meant it. He turned what could have been a friendly conversation into opening an old wound. So by that, I still think my reaction was completely justified. I'm just sorry that it didn't happen in person. Because then I would have had the opportunity to punch him.

 

I know how to admit when I'm wrong. And I'm sorry, considering what he said here and how completely tastless it was, my reaction was totally justified. I get sick & tired of men getting excused for the dumb things that they say "because they're men". I own a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You" and read it quite frequently when I feel confused about a certain situation. It's not wrong to hope that someone might feel some remorse about a situation that came out wrong when it never had to in the first place. I completely recongnize that in the end, he just didn't feel as strongly about me as I did him. And I'm fine with that, it's done, and it's been done for a few months now. I've moved to other men. But when I start to tell him that I'm going out with a new guy that night and he comes back with the suggestion that I sleep with him...that's GD rediculous. It the same thing he proposed when we split up--that I date other men, yet not sleep with them and continue sleeping with him. I told him absolutely not back then. And then he tries for it again? Unbelievable.

 

Frankly, I'm not here to argue over what I said back to him. People can disagree all they want. The point was, why would he dumb enough to even go there to begin with. Can we just not have a friendly conversation without him hitting me up for sex?

Posted
Actually, if my point in even contacting him to begin with was in hopes of reconciling, then I would actually agree that I overreacted. But that was never the point. I ended that first e-mail with "good luck". And I meant it. He turned what could have been a friendly conversation into opening an old wound. So by that, I still think my reaction was completely justified. I'm just sorry that it didn't happen in person. Because then I would have had the opportunity to punch him.

 

I know how to admit when I'm wrong. And I'm sorry, considering what he said here and how completely tastless it was, my reaction was totally justified. I get sick & tired of men getting excused for the dumb things that they say "because they're men". I own a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You" and read it quite frequently when I feel confused about a certain situation. It's not wrong to hope that someone might feel some remorse about a situation that came out wrong when it never had to in the first place. I completely recongnize that in the end, he just didn't feel as strongly about me as I did him. And I'm fine with that, it's done, and it's been done for a few months now. I've moved to other men. But when I start to tell him that I'm going out with a new guy that night and he comes back with the suggestion that I sleep with him...that's GD rediculous. It the same thing he proposed when we split up--that I date other men, yet not sleep with them and continue sleeping with him. I told him absolutely not back then. And then he tries for it again? Unbelievable.

 

Frankly, I'm not here to argue over what I said back to him. People can disagree all they want. The point was, why would he dumb enough to even go there to begin with. Can we just not have a friendly conversation without him hitting me up for sex?

 

Probably not. I find myself not interested in speaking to you if sex were removed. And we haven't even seen one another!

 

Moving on....

  • Author
Posted
Let me get this straight: You contacted him, asked him if he had an itch to scratch and he responded by asking if you wanted to scratch it. Then you got mad at him for suggesting it? Sorry, but I don't think he was being mean and I think that you overreacted. In fact, you kinda walked right into that one.

 

Just stop contacting him, you obviously are looking for two different things.

 

I also said that it was just to say hello & I had no expectation of him even replying. And I wasn't looking to reconcile & "get him back". And I'm sorry, I still maintain that my reaction was justified. He tried pulling the FWB thing on me before when we split by having the audacity to suggest that I date other men, not sleep with them but yet continue to sleep with him. I read the riot act on him for suggesting it back then, and the fact that he'd even say it again was unbelieveable. He couldnt have honestly thought that I would be offering myself up like that when I had just finished telling him I was seeing someone new that night.

 

Again...so much for hoping he might actually act like a grown-up & let bygones be bygones.

  • Author
Posted
Probably not. I find myself not interested in speaking to you if sex were removed. And we haven't even seen one another!

 

Moving on....

 

I have no idea what that's supposed to even mean. I'm guessing it's supposed to be a joke but like you said...moving on...

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