PlanetJanet Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Many yrs ago I briefly dated a guy. We split at that time (we were teens) because he wanted to date around and I was looking for a BF. Anyway fast forward to now. I now live across country. We reconnected on Facebook and have been talking on the phone the past couple of months. Usually for 3 to 5 hours at night several nights per week. I can tell from the conversations that he is really interested in me and likes things about me. We are in the same career field. He has offered to mentor me. He has a lot of qualities I like and a mutual attraction developed. I was all set to fly out and spend time with this guy. My flight leaves Tuesday and it was going to be a 4 day visit. But in discussions I realized that he pretty much expected (assumed) that I was going to stay at his house, in his bed, this trip. That is not what I expected so I told him I was getting a hotel nearby. He said "if you already know before you get here that you want to stay in a hotel then we are not compatible." I told him that I was staying in a hotel and if he didn't like it then he is right, we are not compatible. He backpedaled and said he totally understood if i wanted my own space and privacy. Still, since then my interest and feelings have wilted. I begin to notice comments and ideas of his that turn me off or make me feel disrespected in some ways. Such as: asking repeatedly for full body photographs of me, laughing about things that are important to me, speaking to me in a patronizing way (at least that's how it feels but I am also on edge where this guy is concerned). I enjoy talking to him about work and such but when he makes comments about being attracted to me, or intimacy, etc, I get really blah and do not respond in kind. I told him last night that I do not want to be anything but friends with him. That my romantic interest has pretty much disappeared and I understand if that changes his feelings about hanging with me when I get into town. He said "I play life by ear" and still talked about plans together. But he also got really quiet and we were off the phone within 10 minutes. This morning my gut feeling is to cancel the trip entirely. There are other things I could do alone during my trip but I am beginning to think it better to just not go at all. So.....is it horribly inappropriate for me to cancel at the last minute, especially since he rearranged his schedule for me? And how would I explain the cancellation? The honest answer sounds kind of mean. But I have no good feelings about going. Thank you.
SarahRose Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Let me say that just because you dated a little bit as teens doesn't mean you really know this guy. He is, a stranger still. Did he ever offer to come and see you? Is he paying for any of your trip at all? It sounds to me like he is expecting you to fly to see him and deliver yourself up like a pizza for his sexual pleasure and then fly yourself back home where he only has to deal with you when he feels like it. I am not sure what the question is since you already know what his motives are. Fly in free porn for him. 1
Author PlanetJanet Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 He did talk about flying in but logistically it was easier for me to go there at this time. I agree that I don't "know" him much at all; it's odd because he seems to think that our brief time as teens makes us more than strangers. I disagree. The question I have is more about how to cancel at the last minute. He rearranged his work schedule in part so I could shadow him at his job. Now I am going to just "not show up"? And no I agree, not going to fly in free porn. Told him last night I have no interest in anything physical. He just called but I let it go to voicemail.
SarahRose Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 He did talk about flying in but logistically it was easier for me to go there at this time. I agree that I don't "know" him much at all; it's odd because he seems to think that our brief time as teens makes us more than strangers. I disagree. The question I have is more about how to cancel at the last minute. He rearranged his work schedule in part so I could shadow him at his job. Now I am going to just "not show up"? And no I agree, not going to fly in free porn. Told him last night I have no interest in anything physical. He just called but I let it go to voicemail. just tell him there has been an obvious misunderstanding in what was going to happen during this trip and yes you agree, you aren't compatible. have a nice life. bye
FitChick Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 He probably won't mentor you now even if you flew in.
TMichaels Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Agree with all the other posters. You need this guy in your life like a fish needs a bicycle. Cancel your trip, block him on Facebook and continue to let his calls go to voicemail. (And see when you cancel your flight if you can re-book it for another destination so at least you have one nice thing to look forward to out of this ordeal.) Best, TMichaels
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