Is it always a good idea to tell the betrayed spouse?

[Spark1111]

maybe it's just me, but I don't know how a person can live with that kind of secret and not have it negatively affect their behavior. They may feel guilt about what they did, but they keep it all inside until they eventually start externalizing that guilt as anger at their spouse. Even if that doesn't happen, it will still always be there, eating away at them.

 

Perhaps talking to their spouse about it will finally allow their betrayed spouse the opportunity to find out what the "elephant in the room" has been all these years...

 

I cannot imagine the mind set that would allow a person to keep a secret for 10, 20, or 30 years from the one person on the planet they are supposed to share the greatest intimacy with....

 

They may have an okay marriage, but never a great one, IMO.

 

True intimacy is the polar opposite of secret keeping.

 

Should you comment on an enlarging rearend or a receding hairline? Of course not as that would disprespectful.

 

BUT, "I had an affair 10 years ago because I felt unloved or unworthy or"......whatever, is a conversation that warrants examination if you truly want a loving, intimate relationship.

[Wandaland]

I don't see how, if their marriage has been truly amazing and fantastic for years or decades, it can somehow become not so based on an ancient secret.

Even if the affair ended, the WS is still lying and deceiving the BS. Their marriage is a whole lie now. The secret may be "ancient" and hidden, but it's still there within the marriage. There has to be complete honesty between the two spouses. So what if their marriage is doing "amazing and fantastic"? It's all an illusion to the BS because the WS is not being truthful.

 

 

 

 

.

Edited July 5, 2012 by Wandaland

[Owl]

Even if the affair ended, the WS is still lying and deceiving the BS. Their marriage is a whole lie now. The secret may be "ancient" and hidden, but it's still there within the marriage. There has to be complete honesty between the two spouses. So what if their marriage is doing "amazing and fantastic"? It's all an illusion to the BS because the WS is not being truthful.

 

The "affair" may be old news...but the secret is renewed fresh, every day, until the truth is revealed.

[KathyM]

I agree.

 

Someone "telling on you" for something YOU did, the outcome isn't their fault, it's the fact that you did what you did, as if you didn't, then there'd be nothing to tell.

 

I do think some things are better left unsaid but an affair isn't one IMO. My grandma always said this to me growing up, and it's so true: "Speak the truth and speak it ever, cause it what it will. He who hides the wrong he does, does the wrong thing still." That's very true! hiding the wrong you did is still doing wrong. It didn't erase it at all.

 

If you have plans to divorce or have no interest in having a good marriage, by all means, hide the A and continue on your way. However, if you aim to work on your marriage or some such...you can't proceed to work on it with the A as your own little secret and try to rebuild your relationship with that lie in tow.

I would agree with you in that having a close, intimate relationship with your spouse requires honesty about past infidelity. If one spouse is holding a dark secret of past infidelity, it will prevent them from having an authentic, emotionally intimate relationship. But I would not agree with you that infidelity should be kept a secret if the ultimate goal of the one spouse is to divorce or he is resigned to live in an unhappy marriage, since that still takes away the BS's right to knowledge about her own life and takes away her choices. Just because a man is planning to eventually divorce or is unhappy in his marriage does not give him the right to deceive his wife and be unfaithful to her. He should end the marriage before taking up with someone else.

[SoMovinOn]

maybe it's just me, but I don't know how a person can live with that kind of secret and not have it negatively affect their behavior. They may feel guilt about what they did, but they keep it all inside until they eventually start externalizing that guilt as anger at their spouse. Even if that doesn't happen, it will still always be there, eating away at them.

 

Perhaps talking to their spouse about it will finally allow their betrayed spouse the opportunity to find out what the "elephant in the room" has been all these years...

 

I would imagine some people put it behind them and forget about it, like one should do with anything negative. There's no need or reason to hold on to something like that.

[frozensprouts]

I would imagine some people put it behind them and forget about it, like one should do with anything negative. There's no need or reason to hold on to something like that.

 

we'll have to agree to disagree on that one...

 

if it were me, the guilt I would feel over doing something that could have hurt the one i say I love would eat away at me. I couldn't just put it away and forget about it...

It would also make me question my self and what makes me 'tick" were I to make a choice like that...

to be honest, I don't think I could cheat and just never tell, as what would the damn point of that even be? If the whole premise behind cheating is ( as some say) " people cheat when the marriage is bad" how would hiding the fact that one has cheated do anything to change the marriage...it has, at it's core, a fundamental dishonesty that no amount of time or love will ever change...all it did was make it worse

[SoMovinOn]

It's all an illusion to the BS because the WS is not being truthful..

 

All of life is an illusion. Whatever reality we perceive to be real *is* real, to a large extent. They are not living a lie with the unknown A, anymore than whatever untold past experience exists between them. No one knows everything about anyone.

[SoMovinOn]

we'll have to agree to disagree on that one...

 

if it were me, the guilt I would feel over doing something that could have hurt the one i say I love would eat away at me. I couldn't just put it away and forget about it...

 

It would also make me question my self and what makes me 'tick" were I to make a choice like that...

 

So that's you. You can't disagree on that basis. In doing so, you'd have to assume every other person is the same as you, or, at least make the assumption that every other person *should* be like you. If the latter, are you positive you have all of life figured out to the point where you know how everyone should be?

 

to be honest, I don't think I could cheat and just never tell, as what would the damn point of that even be? If the whole premise behind cheating is ( as some say) " people cheat when the marriage is bad" how would hiding the fact that one has cheated do anything to change the marriage...it has, at it's core, a fundamental dishonesty that no amount of time or love will ever change...all it did was make it worse

 

People don't cheat for the same reasons, so we can't make such a blanket assumption. It is possible there were issues in the M, which lead to one (or both) spouses cheating, and those issues changed or were resolved. It's also possible the cheating spouse looked outside the M for "something better" and in doing so, discovered what they had at home was "the best". ... or, it could be any number of other possible scenarios.

[eeyore1981]

So that's you. You can't disagree on that basis. In doing so, you'd have to assume every other person is the same as you, or, at least make the assumption that every other person *should* be like you. If the latter, are you positive you have all of life figured out to the point where you know how everyone should be?

 

 

 

People don't cheat for the same reasons, so we can't make such a blanket assumption. It is possible there were issues in the M, which lead to one (or both) spouses cheating, and those issues changed or were resolved. It's also possible the cheating spouse looked outside the M for "something better" and in doing so, discovered what they had at home was "the best". ... or, it could be any number of other possible scenarios.

 

So, basically, what you're saying is it's okay to be dishonest in a relationship?

[MissBee]

maybe it's just me, but I don't know how a person can live with that kind of secret and not have it negatively affect their behavior. They may feel guilt about what they did, but they keep it all inside until they eventually start externalizing that guilt as anger at their spouse. Even if that doesn't happen, it will still always be there, eating away at them.

 

Perhaps talking to their spouse about it will finally allow their betrayed spouse the opportunity to find out what the "elephant in the room" has been all these years...

 

Some people have less of a conscience than others. It's the truth. Last night I was watching a show "Who the Bleep did I Marry", which is basically about people (often women) who marry men with secrets: like they are killers, or embezzlers or have a whole other family and then it comes to light. This woman on the show last night married a man who basically murdered a couple and came home, ate dinner, played computer games then went to the gym and went to sleep as though it was all good and well. So that said, I do think some people, even if they aren't killers, can obviously do horrible things then live as though it is nothing. It DID affect his behavior though and the truth came out...

 

For me: I couldn't keep an A a secret AND also feel fulfilled and completely happy in my relationship. It's not only about my H, but about ME. I don't like having to have secrets, esp not from someone like a spouse. It would eat away at me and I would KNOW it...even if he didn't, I would, and that would bother me. I dated a guy before where I had to omit the truth about something from....I HATED HATED HATED it! It wasn't a daily bother, but within myself I felt like he was only with me because he thinks I'm someone I'm not and I haven't given him a full choice. I had to be the one to upkeep a certain image and it took a toll on me. I never did tell, we did part ways, but the next guy I dated, I told him the truth about it and felt such a huge relief, so much lighter and like our relationship was honest and open and I wasn't sitting on a secret. I have a big conscience so that's how it would affect me...but again some people may not, so can go about it like all is well.

[Wandaland]

All of life is an illusion. Whatever reality we perceive to be real *is* real, to a large extent. They are not living a lie with the unknown A, anymore than whatever untold past experience exists between them. No one knows everything about anyone.

The fact is that the WS is still lying and deceiving because they're still keeping the secret affair hidden, in which the BS has the right to know about. WS can try to make their marriage better without confessing, but that's like putting a small band aid over a large wound. It baffles me how you think the BS should not have a choice in their marriage. It baffles me how you think they should just be left in the dark and let the WS make a fool out of them and get away with it, without any consequences for their actions. What kind of a person thinks like that?

 

 

 

.

Edited July 5, 2012 by Wandaland

[BetheButterfly]

Yes, because it's the right thing to do. They deserve to know the truth, and they have the right to know the truth! But it seems like some people would disagree with that.

 

Would you want to know if your spouse is cheating on you? Would you want your spouse to confess the affair to you? Would you want your spouse's AP to tell you about the affair, rather than never knowing about it at all?

 

If the answer to these questions is "yes", then why would you advise other people to not tell their spouses that they are/were cheating on them? Why would you advise the OW not to tell her MM's wife that they're having an affair?

 

It's just something that I've been noticing and wondering while browsing around this forum.

 

I think it is good for the spouse to know. It is ideal for the cheating spouse to be the one to tell. Communication and making informed decisions is very important.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

Is it always a good idea to tell the betrayed spouse?

 

Yes, because it's the right thing to do.

 

 

That is purely moronic thinking, and probably that of the cheating type as well.

 

 

They deserve to know the truth, and they have the right to know the truth! But it seems like some people would disagree with that.

 

Typical cheater's line, when what they deserve is to be with a partner who isn't f*cking other people.

 

 

Would you want to know if your spouse is cheating on you? Would you want your spouse to confess the affair to you? Would you want your spouse's AP to tell you about the affair, rather than never knowing about it at all?

 

If the answer to these questions is "yes", then why would you advise other people to not tell their spouses that they are/were cheating on them?

 

 

 

That's like asking whether you'd like to "know" in advance that next time you went hiking in a forest, a boulder would fall down on your spouse and kill them. And then trying to justify your being the one to push said boulder off of the cliff bringing the same result.

 

Stop being so selfish when trying to justify your cheating ways. Any such spouse likely already knows they are paired with a selfish fool, so why double the degree of your selfishness and remove all doubt? But of course, in your cheater's mindset, it just didn't dawn on you to show a bit more true regard for another person.

 

 

The only consideration in deciding whether to double the pot in such situations is whether or not the victim has any realistic chance to learn of your betrayal through other channels. If not, then you leave it in the closet, and just suck it up with regard to your poor little guilty conscience.

[SoMovinOn]

So, basically, what you're saying is it's okay to be dishonest in a relationship?

 

I'm saying a lie you told 20 years ago is dead, gone and over with. The reality you've had every day since then is not a lie.

[SoMovinOn]

The fact is that the WS is still lying and deceiving because they're still keeping the secret affair hidden, in which the BS has the right to know about. WS can try to make their marriage better without confessing, but that's like putting a small band aid over a large wound. It baffles me how you think the BS should not have a choice in their marriage. It baffles me how you think they should just be left in the dark and let the WS make a fool out of them and get away with it, without any consequences for their actions. What kind of a person thinks like that?

 

The BS has a "right" to know about a dead and buried past? Where did they get this right? What about every other thing you've done in the past they are not aware of? What if you failed to mention the time you smoked pot in high school? What if you failed to mention the detention you got when you ditched class? How can a BS possibly make any decisions about right now if they don't know every single detail, every potential skeleton, of your past? Seriously?

 

They make decisions based on the person they know you as. That's who you really are. What you did 20 years ago doesn't change it.

[woinlove]

The BS has a "right" to know about a dead and buried past? Where did they get this right? What about every other thing you've done in the past they are not aware of? What if you failed to mention the time you smoked pot in high school? What if you failed to mention the detention you got when you ditched class? How can a BS possibly make any decisions about right now if they don't know every single detail, every potential skeleton, of your past? Seriously?

 

They make decisions based on the person they know you as. That's who you really are. What you did 20 years ago doesn't change it.

 

For many people, cheating is a deal breaker and they will either chose to divorce or to basically build a new and different M. This isn't the same as having detention in high school, as infidelity involves issues related to loyalty, honesty, commitment, respect, etc. Often the reason one first hides the cheating is because one knows it could be a deal breaker and the person does not want his or her spouse to be able to make that decision because the person still wants to stay married and have their other R as well. To continue to hide the truth, is to continue to trick one's spouse into staying married. Maybe the spouse would decide to stay married, maybe not. Some people choose divorce even if the infidelity is only discovered years later.

 

It sounds like neither monogamy nor honesty about monogamy is important to you if you think falsely pretending to be monogamous to one's spouse is equivalent to not mentioning one had high school detention for missing class. Provided you are married to someone who also doesn't care about honesty regarding monogamy, that is fine, but most people do care. I don't value monogamy in itself, but I do very much value honesty about monogamy or the lack of it.

[NotCamelot]

I admit that my telling the OMW was somewhat therapeutic for me. It felt really good to know that I did that TO HIM. Why shouldn't he hurt? I did indeed feel bad for her....but she was actually very thankful to me and called me back a few times to tell me about his "confession" and some things my wife did not reveal to me.

 

In the end, it helped to me feel better and it helped to insure that the contact that my wife said had stopped had indeed really stopped.

 

Besides, shouldn't the other spouse know that they are being cheated on?

[frozensprouts]

maybe it's just me, but the fact that a spouse could lie for so long about something so fundamentally hurtful and so fundamentally tied to the very core of a marriage would make me wonder about their honesty in pretty much every other area as well...

 

this goes way beyond the white lie of " no that dress doesn't make your butt look big" or the minor indiscretions of the past before i knew him... ( I don't care if he skipped school once, maybe cheated on a test once, etc.)

 

The fact that he may have skipped school and gotten a detention once before I met him are minor things, not relevant to who he is today. If they were things like" I cheated on every girlfriend I ever had" or " I was convicted of assault" etc. I would want to know these things. They may not define who he is today, but don't I have the right to know those things and make that conclusion for myself...it's my life- don't I deserve the information I need to make informed choices about what goes on in it?

[Spark1111]

The BS has a "right" to know about a dead and buried past? Where did they get this right? What about every other thing you've done in the past they are not aware of? What if you failed to mention the time you smoked pot in high school? What if you failed to mention the detention you got when you ditched class? How can a BS possibly make any decisions about right now if they don't know every single detail, every potential skeleton, of your past? Seriously?

 

They make decisions based on the person they know you as. That's who you really are. What you did 20 years ago doesn't change it.

 

I find this line of thinking ludicrous and all too common among those who do not have a clear idea of intimacy.

 

It is NOT your past, it is OUR PAST. It is not your marriage, it is our marriage; our history, legacy.

 

Unless WE understand what led you to stray, we have not truly set boundaries in place to ensure it will never happen again. You are keeping a secret from me. Truly, for what purpose? To protect you or me? I DON'T need your protection. I need your honesty.

 

Don't I, as your spouse, the person you are suppose to be the closest to on the planet, have a right to know what the issues were (or even your issues) that led to stepping outside the marriage?

 

I am frequently amazed by those who feel this is an oops! Do-over situation, as if they have a right to this kind of privacy within an intimate relationship.

[frozensprouts]

perhaps it's not even the long ago cheating that would hurt so much...it's the lying and deception all those years since that would be so painful

[Betrayed&Stayed]

The BS has a "right" to know about a dead and buried past? Where did they get this right? What about every other thing you've done in the past they are not aware of? What if you failed to mention the time you smoked pot in high school? What if you failed to mention the detention you got when you ditched class? How can a BS possibly make any decisions about right now if they don't know every single detail, every potential skeleton, of your past? Seriously?

 

They make decisions based on the person they know you as. That's who you really are. What you did 20 years ago doesn't change it.

 

I'll give this one more shot, and then I'll give up.

 

The spouse (BS) does have a "right" to know IF the past wrong is directly connected to the health of the relationship/marriage. This "right" comes from the wedding vows. Where the bride and groom vow to "foresake all others", to be faithful, to become one flesh (Gen 2:23-24). That is where the right comes from! What about every other thing..? You're right, that doesn't matter. But why are you insisting that they are on equal ground?

 

The way that I read your posts it seems like you are trivializing the damage and pain that A's cause everyone, especially the BS. Smoking pot in HS is irrelevant to the marriage.

 

Do married couples go to MC because a spouse found out that the other was smoking pot in HS or had speeding ticket? No! Do married couple get a divorce for every potential skeleton in the closet? No. Why? Because some wrongs are more personal and cause more hurt and pain to the heart and soul of a spouse then other wrongs.

 

I don't need to know every skeleton that my wife has in her closet. What I do want to know is every skeleton that is directly related to our intimate relationship/marriage. Infidelity (past and present) is directly tied to our marriage. What misdemeanors she committed prior to our relationship does not require full disclosure. There is a difference between a wrong that is impersonal (trivial examples listed in past posts) and one which is a stab to the heart and harms the very essence of a person as a human being.

 

One last point: An Affair does directly damage the marriage whether it is revealed or not. I've spent 4 long years reflecting back on those 8 years that I spent in the dark. I can now see the damage that the affair caused to our relationship, even though I didn't know about it. I can see how it affected my wife's behavior, her communication (or lack of), how it affected her self-esteem, how the shame and lying created a thin wall between us, how we didn't have TRUE intimacy (emotional/spiritual/sexual). I see how she withdrew at times because of her hidden shame.

[drifter777]

I'm saying a lie you told 20 years ago is dead, gone and over with. The reality you've had every day since then is not a lie.

 

Dude, you're entitled to your own opinion although it is not shared by many other BS's. For my money, a lie about cheating 10, 20, 30 years ago DOES mean everything since is a lie. It taints it all. But, again, that's just me.

[MissBee]

Dude, you're entitled to your own opinion although it is not shared by many other BS's. For my money, a lie about cheating 10, 20, 30 years ago DOES mean everything since is a lie. It taints it all. But, again, that's just me.

 

I agree...there are different kinds of lies that affect a situation differently.

 

Lying 20 years ago saying "the baby is yours" when it isn't, lying 20 years ago saying "No I've never slept with your friend" etc are lies that manipulate a situation.

 

A lie that manipulates a situation is one, IMO, that makes the game different and one that was kept a lie for fear that the person would make a different choice about the relationship, if they knew. Hence, those kinds of lies to me are more sinister, as you're essentially not telling the truth so someone can stay in a relationship with you built on your own interest and without all the facts of what you've done while with them. It's not to protect the person, but one's self, because one feels like without the lie, the person may very well leave them. That's not our choice to make. I want someone with me who knows all the truth and thus chooses me in spite of it, not someone whom I've crafted and omitted and basically cropped out certain aspects to paint a picture of someone or a situation that isn't quite so.

 

The discussion of what you did in high school or your past at large is pointless. An affair 20 years ago WHILE in the marriage is clearly of more relevance than what you did in high school before you knew them. How can the two even be compared??? Clearly no one needs to know every sordid high school detail (although for me, the kind of people I date and who I am, we naturally share stuff about our past that paints us in our entirety). But let's not be absurd...my husband cheating on me a year into our marriage 20 years ago is of a bigger concern to me than what he did 10 years before he met me. And I will add that it depends on what he did also before he met me...if you were acquitted of a crime before we met, I'd like to know thanks!

 

It's just like people who take pics on the internet that are cropped, airbrushed or highly altered in order to get someone to be attracted to that image. EVERYONE feels duped if upon meeting and after "falling in like" with that image, you realize the person looks nothing like that. They did you and them a disservice. As they robbed themselves of finding someone who would love them warts and all and they tricked you into loving an image of them that wasn't real. Now ensues awkwardness. I see lying about having an A and trying to build a relationship with that lie "safely tucked" away in the same light. It's a pressure on you to keep it hidden and just like if you fall in love with the personality of the person with the fake picture, although their personality is the same, because they look nothing like their pic, it is hard to get over the fact that they tried to trick and trap you in that way. Likewise, even if during the 20 years some things were good or felt genuine, if the truth comes out, you won't help being able to think that the means don't justify the ends.

 

But for some I guess the means always justify the ends.

Edited July 6, 2012 by MissBee

[MissBee]

I'll give this one more shot, and then I'll give up.

 

The spouse (BS) does have a "right" to know IF the past wrong is directly connected to the health of the relationship/marriage. This "right" comes from the wedding vows. Where the bride and groom vow to "foresake all others", to be faithful, to become one flesh (Gen 2:23-24). That is where the right comes from! What about every other thing..? You're right, that doesn't matter. But why are you insisting that they are on equal ground?

 

The way that I read your posts it seems like you are trivializing the damage and pain that A's cause everyone, especially the BS. Smoking pot in HS is irrelevant to the marriage.

Do married couples go to MC because a spouse found out that the other was smoking pot in HS or had speeding ticket? No! Do married couple get a divorce for every potential skeleton in the closet? No. Why? Because some wrongs are more personal and cause more hurt and pain to the heart and soul of a spouse then other wrongs.

I don't need to know every skeleton that my wife has in her closet. What I do want to know is every skeleton that is directly related to our intimate relationship/marriage. Infidelity (past and present) is directly tied to our marriage. What misdemeanors she committed prior to our relationship does not require full disclosure. There is a difference between a wrong that is impersonal (trivial examples listed in past posts) and one which is a stab to the heart and harms the very essence of a person as a human being.

 

One last point: An Affair does directly damage the marriage whether it is revealed or not. I've spent 4 long years reflecting back on those 8 years that I spent in the dark. I can now see the damage that the affair caused to our relationship, even though I didn't know about it. I can see how it affected my wife's behavior, her communication (or lack of), how it affected her self-esteem, how the shame and lying created a thin wall between us, how we didn't have TRUE intimacy (emotional/spiritual/sexual). I see how she withdrew at times because of her hidden shame.

 

 

Brilliant post!

 

I was shocked that that was even a part of this discussion frankly, because I felt one had to reach way down into the depths of absurdity to make that argument.

 

If someone cannot see the difference between their spouse smoking pot in high school as a teenager before they ever met, and a spouse having an affair while in the marriage, and the level of disclosure being different for the two...then frankly, nothing more can be said, as obviously there is a fundamental chasm between the two worldviews.

[Wandaland]

The BS has a "right" to know about a dead and buried past? Where did they get this right? What about every other thing you've done in the past they are not aware of? What if you failed to mention the time you smoked pot in high school? What if you failed to mention the detention you got when you ditched class? How can a BS possibly make any decisions about right now if they don't know every single detail, every potential skeleton, of your past?

You're actually comparing infidelity (a betrayal of trust, commitment, vows, etc) to what dumb teenagers do in high school? You can't put them both on the same level. Getting detention when you were in high school is not relevant to the marriage. Infidelity is. It's an act of betrayal and deception towards the BS, and the BS has the right to know how horrible they were/are being treated in their own marriage. Listen to the posters above me, they can explain it better than I can.