Is it always a good idea to tell the betrayed spouse?

[SoMovinOn]

"What time frame are we talking about? A recent A? An A that happened decades ago?"

 

Both.

 

In the latter case, definitely not. There is nothing to be gained from bringing out some old, long buried trash. Whatever life you've had together since then is real. The people you were for all those years are real. People screw up, then go on to live fantastic lives and do amazing things. There's no value in making them hold on to their past forever.

[Radagast]

And cheaters would come up with that excuse to not tell their BS, so that they could save their own butts and protect themselves. Let's get the obvious out of the way, infidelity comes with harsh consequences. The question is, are you willing to overcome it? Most of them do. The point is that it's always the right thing to tell the BS. Questioning it like "Oh I shouldn't confess, he/she might commit suicide!" is not an excuse, because you don't know for sure if that's what the BS will do. And when they are told about the affair, they most likely wont do anything to that extreme.

 

My point was that sometimes it is clearly, objectively, not the right thing to do, as the (real) examples I quoted demonstrate. It might feel right for someone reading here, but for the woman who killed herself or the man living on the street, both would really rather not have known, so I don't feel an opinion of another can outweigh the very real consequences that those individuals had to live with.

 

As a former unfaithful spouse, there was a very real risk that my ex-wife would commit suicide on hearing about my affair. She had a history of attempted suicide, as well as other emotional problems. I had for decades lived in fear of not doing this or that for fear of the reaction it might provoke in her, and it was only through counselling that I gained the strength to insist on my own authenticity and not to feel responsible for her responses. So, while I knew that she might try once more to kill herself, I could not let that stop me doing what I needed to do - which was to tell her, and to leave. So I told her of the affair, gave her notice of my intention to leave, and then acted on that. Of course it was difficult, of course she fell apart and of course she tried to stop me leaving but it needed to be done and I'm glad, for myself, that I faced up to it and did it. Was it a good thing for her? She has her own views on that, I'm sure, but those are less relevant to me. I did what I needed to do for the best possible outcome for the greatest number of people, including myself. Being held to ransom by the threat of suicide is no way to live.

[frozensprouts]

Sometimes it can be because the WS is flawed. Simple (and painful) as that

 

when you think about it, this makes sense.

 

someone who cheats may have always been predisposed to doing so...these "flaws" were probably always there, and were probably coloring that persons actions and attitudes long before they ever cheated...thus, their behavior may not have chnaged much, or, it may have changed radically ( if they were going against their own morals by cheating)...

 

no one just cheats with someone by accident, there are a series of choices that lead up to it, and there is something in them that allowed them to make those choices

[frozensprouts]

I don't get the argument that a wayward spouse shouldn't tell their betrayed spouse about the cheating for the good of the betrayed spouse...that is a load of hogwash...

 

if a wayward spouse is so concerned about not hurting their husband/wife, then they out to never have cheated in the first place...

 

if they were desperately unhappy, then telling the spouse the marriage needs to end is a million times better for them than cheating on them...

 

but by not telling them, all a wayward spouse is really trying to do is to cover their own rear ends, and to deny their spouse the right to make informed choices about their life...in short, it is an act of control or cowardice...

[nofool4u]

It may not be their place to tell, but something good could come from that.

 

Oh I completely agree. Just saying this is probably why OW/OM think they shouldn't tell, because they feel its not their place. And OW/OM have said as much on this forum.

 

I'm always in favor of telling the BS. They deserve to know. Its just ridiculous for OW/OM to tell only after they have been scorned. Because they sure didn't care about the BS up to that point. But hey, I don't care who it comes from, the BS still deserves to know what kind of POS they are married to.

[Owl]

My point was that sometimes it is clearly, objectively, not the right thing to do, as the (real) examples I quoted demonstrate. It might feel right for someone reading here, but for the woman who killed herself or the man living on the street, both would really rather not have known, so I don't feel an opinion of another can outweigh the very real consequences that those individuals had to live with.

 

But is the issue that they were told of the affair...or that their spouse cheated on them?

 

Is the source of the pain being made aware of the truth...or the betrayal itself?

 

Is the person hurting them the person who is telling...or the person who betrayed their trust?

 

As a former unfaithful spouse, there was a very real risk that my ex-wife would commit suicide on hearing about my affair. She had a history of attempted suicide, as well as other emotional problems. I had for decades lived in fear of not doing this or that for fear of the reaction it might provoke in her, and it was only through counselling that I gained the strength to insist on my own authenticity and not to feel responsible for her responses. So, while I knew that she might try once more to kill herself, I could not let that stop me doing what I needed to do - which was to tell her, and to leave. So I told her of the affair, gave her notice of my intention to leave, and then acted on that. Of course it was difficult, of course she fell apart and of course she tried to stop me leaving but it needed to be done and I'm glad, for myself, that I faced up to it and did it. Was it a good thing for her? She has her own views on that, I'm sure, but those are less relevant to me. I did what I needed to do for the best possible outcome for the greatest number of people, including myself. Being held to ransom by the threat of suicide is no way to live.

 

I agree...being held under the threat of suicice is no way to live.

 

But I'm curious...you outline all of these "issues" your former wife had...yet your own issues of not being able to end your marriage to her without starting an affair with someone else remain unaddressed.

 

See...had someone else told your wife...it wouldn't have been their fault that bad came of it.

 

It would have been yours.

 

It would have been due to YOUR infidelity, to your inability to find a way to move on in your life WITHOUT resorting to an affair to 'bolster your courage'.

 

Your wife deserved to know the truth. Luckily, when she got it, it turned out that she had more strength than either of you credited her with...and while the end of the marriage was painful, she survived.

 

But none of this negates the fact that YOU...intentionally and deliberately...engaged in an affair with the full knowledge of the risks. Had some 'good samaritan' told...and had bad come of that...it wouldn't have been their fault.

 

I understand that you may not agree. But this is how I view it. We're all responsible for the choices we make. You made a choice. Thankfully, it appears to have turned out well...but it might not have, and that outcome would have been equally your responsibility as well...not that of the person who might have revealed your choice to your wife.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

"What time frame are we talking about? A recent A? An A that happened decades ago?"

 

 

In the latter case, definitely not. There is nothing to be gained from bringing out some old, long buried trash. Whatever life you've had together since then is real. The people you were for all those years are real. People screw up, then go on to live fantastic lives and do amazing things. There's no value in making them hold on to their past forever.

 

I strongly disagree, but that's just me speaking from my experiences.

 

My wife confessed 8 years after her affair. At the time of D-Day I thought that we had a great marriage, and that I had a very special wife. Minus a few rough spots (few and far between), I thought we had the kind of marriage that others envied. I hardly ever thought about those rough spots in our past. Ignorance IS Bliss! However, I prefer truth. I like to view my world as it really is, not what someone manipulates it to seem.

 

The life we had together for 8 years was not 100% real. It was intertwined with lies and deception. There were things that she did for me after her affair that I thought was out of genuine love and appreciation. Now I see it more as a means to compensate her guilt for her affair. I can live with that stuff okay. The most damaging aspect is that I made many life changing decisions based on bad data. Had I known the truth, I would've made very different decisions in my life in areas of changing careers, moving to different cities/states, fatherhood, relationships, you name it.

 

Yes, she screwed up and moved on to do great things. She is still doing great things with her life. Does that mean that I should remain in the dark for the rest of my life? In essence, by keeping a BS in the dark, the WS is tilting the scales of power in their favor. That is why I am in favor of telling the BS in most cases. Keeping it secret creates a tremendous imbalance of power and control. A marriage should not be that askewed. A person (BS) should be empowered to make the best decision for themselves, especially when it comes to something (marriage/spouse) so embedded in our happiness, self-worth, and self-identification.

[Wandaland]

In the latter case, definitely not. There is nothing to be gained from bringing out some old, long buried trash. Whatever life you've had together since then is real. The people you were for all those years are real. People screw up, then go on to live fantastic lives and do amazing things. There's no value in making them hold on to their past forever.

Yes, there is value and there is something to be gained. Honesty. Whether the affair ended recently or a long time ago, the BS still has the right to know how horrible their spouses treated them. They can't have an honest, healthy, real marriage if one of them is holding a dark secret. It's not fair that one spouse is being completely truthful, while the other is not. There's no equality there. Would you want to know about your spouse's affair, even it happened a long time ago, or do you want him/her to get away with making a fool out of you?

[beenburned]

B&S,

 

Great post!

 

One of my biggest resentments finding out the whole truth years later was that I would have made different choices about the things that were life altering decisions.(career, kids, money(401K), etc)

[Wandaland]

B&S,

 

Great post!

 

One of my biggest resentments finding out the whole truth years later was that I would have made different choices about the things that were life altering decisions.(career, kids, money(401K), etc)

 

I read your story, and it really touched me. I hope your husband acknowledges the fact that he took away your choices/opportunities, and I hope he feels horrible for doing that, and I hope he's doing something big to make it up to you. But at the same time, I hope you're not too filled with regrets.

 

I know it must be hard to think about whether or not you should have taken that dream job, or that you should have married your high school sweetheart. But I hope you find a way to relieve yourself from all of those resentments and work with the life you have now.

[SoMovinOn]

Yes, she screwed up and moved on to do great things. She is still doing great things with her life. Does that mean that I should remain in the dark for the rest of my life? In essence, by keeping a BS in the dark, the WS is tilting the scales of power in their favor.

 

It seems some people put having an A, lying, deceit, at some mythical, magical level. Legal systems place a statute of limitations on every crime except murder. There is no reason to put an A to that level. There is no reason to discount the real person who exists all those years, or decades since, unless one just really, really, needs to be a victim. The WS at that point is someone who did something wrong, stopped doing it, and hasn't done anything wrong since.

 

What if you replace the A with some other wrong? What if your spouse told you they shoplifted 20 years ago? ... or exceeded the posted speed limit, a number of times? What if they stole some money 30 years ago ... from their church?

 

Man ... if everyone had to wear every wrong they committed on their forehead for all their life, every person in the world would be doomed, and everyone would be a victim of someone.

 

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Don't cry over spilled milk.

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.

[Wandaland]

It seems some people put having an A, lying, deceit, at some mythical, magical level. Legal systems place a statute of limitations on every crime except murder. There is no reason to put an A to that level. There is no reason to discount the real person who exists all those years, or decades since, unless one just really, really, needs to be a victim. The WS at that point is someone who did something wrong, stopped doing it, and hasn't done anything wrong since.

 

I don't think you realize how wrong infidelity is. It's not like shoplifting or exceeding a speed limit. It's betrayal, deception, lies and breaking wedding vows. It's one of the worst things you could do to someone who you're suppose to love, protect and care for. And you think this is not something to confess about to their BS? Even if it happened years ago? Are you kidding me?

 

Infidelity ruins a marriage. A marriage that used to be about trust, honesty and loyalty is now ruined. WS can end an affair and would try to make their marriage better by doing fantastic things, but if they're still keeping the affair hidden from their BS, then it will never ever be an honest, authentic, well-balanced marriage. It's really that simple, and it's a shame that you don't seem to understand that.

[WeAllMightBeNuts]

I don't think the people that are behaving poorly should be allowed to get away with their actions.

 

What I mean is this: If say, John cheats on Mary with Jane, and Jane or anyone else finds out, then everyone that knows John and Jane should be made aware of their actions.

 

For some reason it's like some guy abusing his wife. People don't want to talk about it openly, tensions rise, folks kind of look at the ground and avoid it.

 

F#$k that. Their friends, brothers, sisters, co-workers, church..whatever should be told the facts. "This is Jane, the lady that had the affair with John." Or vice-versa.

 

People that behave in this manner don't deserve to get away with their behavior and mislead the uninformed as to who they really are.

 

One of the main reasons wrong things occur in society is silence. Silence, whispering, rumors all allow for ambiguity and condonement.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

It seems some people put having an A, lying, deceit, at some mythical, magical level. Legal systems place a statute of limitations on every crime except murder. There is no reason to put an A to that level. There is no reason to discount the real person who exists all those years, or decades since, unless one just really, really, needs to be a victim. The WS at that point is someone who did something wrong, stopped doing it, and hasn't done anything wrong since.

 

What if you replace the A with some other wrong? What if your spouse told you they shoplifted 20 years ago? ... or exceeded the posted speed limit, a number of times? What if they stole some money 30 years ago ... from their church?

 

Man ... if everyone had to wear every wrong they committed on their forehead for all their life, every person in the world would be doomed, and everyone would be a victim of someone.

 

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Don't cry over spilled milk.

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.

 

So are all wrongs on equal ground? Does exceeding the speed limit cause PTSD? I only wish that my wife's worse offense was speeding or shoplifting.

 

All wrongs are not created equally. Different wrongs have different consequences.

[Benedictatu]

I wish he had never told me then he would still be here he wouldn't have left to be with her. If he did not tell me he would have had no reason to leave because he had everything here there was no reason to leave if she did not exist he would have stayed. And even if he left if he did not tell me about her I could still hope and try to win him back and maybe succeed but him telling me to back off he was with someone else now and to get on with my own life and leave him alone was very cruel and I would rather not have known that she was with him having my life and my children and my house and that everything was oh so wonderful for them I would rather think he was also lonely like me and maybe missing me too and thinking maybe he'd made a mistake and not happy with her.

 

I wish I did not know about her or who she was and did not know how slim and pretty and clever and lovely she is and how everyone just loves her and how happy he is with her and how happy she is with him. I would rather not know and I wish he had never told me he told me to hurt me he told me to make me feel lesser he told me to show me up that he could find someone so wonderful when I said he couldn't and he told me to make me feel alone and lonely and unwanted and awful and he succeeded and I wish he had never told me.

[beenburned]

Wanda,

 

Thanks, that is so sweet of you!

 

Quick update for you:

 

After d-day, I got a full time job and went to college at night. Saving every penny with the thought I probably would be divorcing, as I really didn't think he would change for the long term.

 

He proved me wrong and we are still together after 30+ years!

Kids are grown and we have grandchildren. I took early retirement when my company got bought out, but H still works full time.

 

I know now that even if I had divorced him years ago, there is no guaranties that it would have worked out with someone new(or old boyfriend). Or that if I had remarried they would have been faithful to me.

 

I don't live in fear of a repeat because I know I will be just fine on my own now that I have a nice 401K and pension from my banking career.

[SoMovinOn]

I don't think you realize how wrong infidelity is.

 

I think you are defining it as a single thing that is exactly the same in every circumstance. It's not. Even murder is legally defined on many levels and there are allowances for mitigating or extenuating circumstances.

 

Infidelity ruins a marriage.

 

I think infidelity is a symptom, not a cause. Perhaps not in every case, but in most, the marriage is ruined before the infidelity starts.

[SoMovinOn]

So are all wrongs on equal ground? Does exceeding the speed limit cause PTSD? I only wish that my wife's worse offense was speeding or shoplifting.

 

All wrongs are not created equally. Different wrongs have different consequences.

 

I agree. ... and a wrong committed and over years or decades ago would have it's impact at or near the time it occurred. Bringing up something that old is a new transgression - the purpose which can only be to intentionally hurt someone.

 

Confessing a years old affair is the same as saying "I'm done with you now."

[Wandaland]

I think you are defining it as a single thing that is exactly the same in every circumstance. It's not. Even murder is legally defined on many levels and there are allowances for mitigating or extenuating circumstances.

 

I think infidelity is a symptom, not a cause. Perhaps not in every case, but in most, the marriage is ruined before the infidelity starts.

 

My point is that if the WS wants their marriage to be free of deception and betrayal, and more about honesty and authenticity, then they have confess to their BS. Yes, even if the affair happened decades ago. If not, then the marriage will never truly be amazing and fantastic.

[beenburned]

SMO,

 

I disagree. If you are not happy in your marriage, file for divorce and get out. There is no need to further complicate things by having an affair before leaving.

 

Most WS are impulse oriented, selfish, ego driven, and immature. If someone like this gets away with cheating, they are more likely to repeat the behavior because they never had to suffer any consequences for their actions.

 

Also, if they never have a d-day, they never get to see the hurt and devastation they have brought to someone they profess to love. Many have the attitude "what they don't know won't hurt them". Which is entirely false, as many BS suffer from them creating distance, fights, withholding love, affection, or even sex. I personally experienced much verbal and emotional abuse during the years my H was cheating.(even though I didn't know why) He also gaslighted me to the point I felt crazy from all his lies.

 

To create true intimacy in a marriage both spouses have to be open and honest with each other in every area of their lives. Or else you just end up with a cheap and shallow version of what your marriage could really be.

[MissBee]

Yes, because it's the right thing to do. They deserve to know the truth, and they have the right to know the truth! But it seems like some people would disagree with that.

 

Would you want to know if your spouse is cheating on you? Would you want your spouse to confess the affair to you? Would you want your spouse's AP to tell you about the affair, rather than never knowing about it at all?

I'd want to know and I think I'd know, I doubt it could be a secret forever, unless it was a one night stand maybe. I'd rather my spouse confess or me find out on my own versus the AP contacting me. That is a lot more humiliating and would upset me even more. But if the AP came forward...at least I'd know for a fact, however it came to be discovered, and my wrath would be waaaay worse in that case.

If the answer to these questions is "yes", then why would you advise other people to not tell their spouses that they are/were cheating on them? Why would you advise the OW not to tell her MM's wife that they're having an affair?

 

I have never advised other people not to tell their spouse. I don't think it's an OW/OM's place to tell the BS though. They can if they so choose, but frankly, for me, as I said, having the OW tell me would anger me more. You're sleeping with my husband, unless he lied to you, I don't want to hear anything from you! Maybe after the dust settles I'd want to talk to her but I would be very upset if she decided that now that she was done or worse yet, he was done with her, she's going to ring me up or email me or what have you for a confessional chat.

 

It's just something that I've been noticing and wondering while browsing around this forum.

 

Answers bolded.

 

I think if you value starting on a new leaf and having a marriage of honesty and transparency, then it behooves you to tell your spouse, and have the chips fall where they may. But if you're hiding an A on your terms while going along with your marriage as if all is well...you're still building on a lie and still will have the knowledge int he back of your mind and perhaps the fear that it may come to light at some point. I couldn't hide it and would have to confess and allow the chips to fall where they may. It either will lead to a better relationship or none at all...but having someone with me because of a secret or false appearances makes no sense and would stress me out.

Edited July 4, 2012 by MissBee

[MissBee]

But is the issue that they were told of the affair...or that their spouse cheated on them?

 

Is the source of the pain being made aware of the truth...or the betrayal itself?

 

Is the person hurting them the person who is telling...or the person who betrayed their trust?

 

 

 

I agree...being held under the threat of suicice is no way to live.

 

But I'm curious...you outline all of these "issues" your former wife had...yet your own issues of not being able to end your marriage to her without starting an affair with someone else remain unaddressed.

 

See...had someone else told your wife...it wouldn't have been their fault that bad came of it.

 

It would have been yours.

 

It would have been due to YOUR infidelity, to your inability to find a way to move on in your life WITHOUT resorting to an affair to 'bolster your courage'.

 

Your wife deserved to know the truth. Luckily, when she got it, it turned out that she had more strength than either of you credited her with...and while the end of the marriage was painful, she survived.

 

But none of this negates the fact that YOU...intentionally and deliberately...engaged in an affair with the full knowledge of the risks. Had some 'good samaritan' told...and had bad come of that...it wouldn't have been their fault.

 

I understand that you may not agree. But this is how I view it. We're all responsible for the choices we make. You made a choice. Thankfully, it appears to have turned out well...but it might not have, and that outcome would have been equally your responsibility as well...not that of the person who might have revealed your choice to your wife.

 

I agree.

 

Someone "telling on you" for something YOU did, the outcome isn't their fault, it's the fact that you did what you did, as if you didn't, then there'd be nothing to tell.

 

I do think some things are better left unsaid but an affair isn't one IMO. My grandma always said this to me growing up, and it's so true: "Speak the truth and speak it ever, cause it what it will. He who hides the wrong he does, does the wrong thing still." That's very true! hiding the wrong you did is still doing wrong. It didn't erase it at all.

 

If you have plans to divorce or have no interest in having a good marriage, by all means, hide the A and continue on your way. However, if you aim to work on your marriage or some such...you can't proceed to work on it with the A as your own little secret and try to rebuild your relationship with that lie in tow.

[Wandaland]

I have never advised other people not to tell their spouse. I don't think it's an OW/OM's place to tell the BS though. They can if they so choose, but frankly, for me, as I said, having the OW tell me would anger me more. You're sleeping with my husband, unless he lied to you, I don't want to hear anything from you! Maybe after the dust settles I'd want to talk to her but I would be very upset if she decided that now that she was done or worse yet, he was done with her, she's going to ring me up or email me or what have you for a confessional chat.

 

I would advise the OW/OM to tell the BS, if the WS won't. It may be humiliating for them to have the OW/OM tell them instead, but at least they are now given a chance to make choices in their marriage, as well as their own life. At least they are not kept in the dark because their cheating spouses are too much of a selfish, deceitful coward to confess to them. That's why I would want the OW to tell me rather than never knowing at all. Sure it's not their place to tell, but they would be doing me a favor.

[SoMovinOn]

My point is that if the WS wants their marriage to be free of deception and betrayal, and more about honesty and authenticity, then they have confess to their BS. Yes, even if the affair happened decades ago. If not, then the marriage will never truly be amazing and fantastic.

 

I don't see how, if their marriage has been truly amazing and fantastic for years or decades, it can somehow become not so based on an ancient secret.

[frozensprouts]

I don't see how, if their marriage has been truly amazing and fantastic for years or decades, it can somehow become not so based on an ancient secret.

 

maybe it's just me, but I don't know how a person can live with that kind of secret and not have it negatively affect their behavior. They may feel guilt about what they did, but they keep it all inside until they eventually start externalizing that guilt as anger at their spouse. Even if that doesn't happen, it will still always be there, eating away at them.

 

Perhaps talking to their spouse about it will finally allow their betrayed spouse the opportunity to find out what the "elephant in the room" has been all these years...