Wandaland Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Yes, because it's the right thing to do. They deserve to know the truth, and they have the right to know the truth! But it seems like some people would disagree with that. Would you want to know if your spouse is cheating on you? Would you want your spouse to confess the affair to you? Would you want your spouse's AP to tell you about the affair, rather than never knowing about it at all? If the answer to these questions is "yes", then why would you advise other people to not tell their spouses that they are/were cheating on them? Why would you advise the OW not to tell her MM's wife that they're having an affair? It's just something that I've been noticing and wondering while browsing around this forum.
rheinhessen Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 There is no clear-cut answr to this question and it depends upon personal circumstance. My first example is myself and my husband - currently we are separated and living in different households. I am the WS and he is the BS. He had to know, there was no question about it. We had been married less than a year when I confessed... He HAD to know.. My second example is my BS's parents - married 40 years. My BS took a phonecall last week fro, his father whereby his father admitted he had been having an affiar behind his mothers back for TWO YEARS. Now, if you knew my father-in-law, he is actually the LAST person you would expect to be CAPABLE of an affair, much less LYING for an entire 2 years. MY parents, on the other hand, you'd almost expect it from.. sexually deviant and liberal... almost why I don't think my husband was as shocked as he could've been to discover I had been engaging in an extramarital affair.. but his dad.. and for two years!!! I couldn't even lie to my husband for a week.. he knew from the outset. Now, should my FIL have confessed to my MIL? NO, I dont believe he should. He had already ended the affair. They are both nearing retirement age and she had not suspected a thing. She is now faced with two possible scenarios - leaving my FIL and upsetting their post-retirement security (paid off mortgage and pensions in place) OR starting all by herself, somewhere i the UK where she cannot afford to ive by herself and be afforded the same financial security - leaving the man she has lived with for 40 year and has 2 children and 4 grandchildren with... She wont leave him. My BSH has said as much... I on the other hand, told my BS as soon as I even had feeling for OM, before anything even actually happened - emotionally and physically... I just did; I cannot lie for toffee.. Even though if you compared me to my FIL, and given my parentage, you'd have me down as the better liar and the more likely every day of the week... The fact is; I believe there is a time and a place to tell the truth. I would always tell the truth if there were the chance the other party (the victim so to speak) were in a position to confortably deal with it, whatever the outcome and their choice. But in the instance of my parents in law, my MIL is not equipped to deal with splitting from my FIL in both a social and financial context... They have some MAJOR issues to overcome - the difference being, they are of an era when marriage vows meant something.. so I think they;d have chosen this route even if she DID feel comfortable enough socially and financially to leave him.
Author Wandaland Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 Two years without her knowing? I doubt that. She probably does know, but is in denial and doesn't wanna face the truth. Because....I mean, come on, isn't it really difficult to have a long-term relationship with another person without your spouse noticing something suspicious? But if she doesn't know, she still deserves to know the truth. And your FIL deserves to suffer the consequences. It's really said that her husband of 40 years AND her own son are both keeping secrets from her. If my Dad told me that he had an affair, I would force him to tell mom. Doesn't matter if there are retirement/financial issues. I'm not gonna be a part of a family where there's betrayal and deception, not to mention awkward family dinners. Besides, I doubt your MIL is gonna leave him anyway. She's growing old and would have no choice but to stay with him, given the circumstances. Plus, I'm sure she loves him no matter what, since she spent so many years with him. So I don't see why she doesn't need to know the truth. May I ask: Why did he have an affair? And when did his two-year affair began? 1
Silly_Girl Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Two years without her knowing? I doubt that. She probably does know, but is in denial and doesn't wanna face the truth. Because....I mean, come on, isn't it really difficult to have a long-term relationship with another person without your spouse noticing something suspicious? No. It depends an awful lot on the intimacy and dynamic of the pre-existing relationship. 1
anne1707 Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 No. It depends an awful lot on the intimacy and dynamic of the pre-existing relationship. This implies there is a lack of intimacy between a WS and BS during an affair, that the relationship is flawed. I can confirm that this is not neccessarily the case. I just think it is something that some would like to believe.
Silly_Girl Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 This implies there is a lack of intimacy between a WS and BS during an affair, that the relationship is flawed. I can confirm that this is not neccessarily the case. I just think it is something that some would like to believe. I'm not saying it relies on that solely, but 2 years is a long old time for someone to be in a 'not flawed' relationship and yet be able to hide an affair. 3
anne1707 Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I'm not saying it relies on that solely, but 2 years is a long old time for someone to be in a 'not flawed' relationship and yet be able to hide an affair. Sometimes it can be because the WS is flawed. Simple (and painful) as that
Silly_Girl Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Sometimes it can be because the WS is flawed. Simple (and painful) as that Anne, I understand what you're conveying but I have a mental block with this. Can you help me? Two people, perfect relationship, one has an affair for two years. I might be naive but I can't imagine a scenario where that's possible. Is it purely because I'm relating it to my personal idea of a great relationship? Where it would be hard to spend nights apart, where you share your lives to a huge degree and know lots about each others' jobs and colleagues and attend work functions, and can borrow each others' mobile phones or cars without hesitation, and bank statements and credit card bills and phone bills are laying around and can be looked at at any time? I'm not trying to be a smart-arse. Can you see where I'm coming from?
Furious Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 No. It depends an awful lot on the intimacy and dynamic of the pre-existing relationship. As soon as an OW/OM come on the scene you can be guaranteed it will poison the intimacy and dynamic of the marriage. No marriage is smooth sailing at all times, but when a third party comes along all the energy in the WS is spent feeding the affair and starving the marriage. Many WS's whether consciously or unconsciously sabotage the BS in an effort to validate the betrayal. If the marriage or spouse is so awful why is it only when a lover comes around do the WS's suddenly think they've been so unhappy, why didn't they get a divorce and then begin dating others. Yes, the BS should be told of the affair, at least then they are given a voice and the dignity to choose rather than the choice being made for them. 2
GLDheart Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 This implies there is a lack of intimacy between a WS and BS during an affair, that the relationship is flawed. I can confirm that this is not neccessarily the case. I just think it is something that some would like to believe. I agree that it can hit the Betrayed Spouse with COMPLETE surprise. My EX acted normal right up until the very end when I discovered it. There may have been changes but they were hidden perfectly. ...but when a third party comes along all the energy in the WS is spent feeding the affair and starving the marriage... . YES. This is also true. But it CAN be hidden. Looking back it wasn't hidden flawlessly and there were the slightest of hints, the subtlest of signs. But your spouse knows you better than anyone and can hide it from you if that is thier desire. One foot in both worlds... a bit of cake eating... I WISH someone would have come to me with the truth. Instead I had to discover it for myself. If I ever find out that people I trust knew, they will also cause me to "rethink" my relationship with them.
KathyM Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Yes, because it's the right thing to do. They deserve to know the truth, and they have the right to know the truth! But it seems like some people would disagree with that. Would you want to know if your spouse is cheating on you? Would you want your spouse to confess the affair to you? Would you want your spouse's AP to tell you about the affair, rather than never knowing about it at all? It's just something that I've been noticing and wondering while browsing around this forum. To answer your question, yes, I would want to know, yes I would want my spouse to confess, and yes, I would want the AP to tell me rather than never knowing at all. I've always suggested people be honest with each other, and how unfair it is that other people make major life decisions for someone without their knowledge and consent. People have a right to an honest life. They have a right to know the reality of their life. No one has a right to take that away from them. To keep them in the dark about the truth of their own life is so self-serving and so dishonest. To allow someone to live out their life believing a lie is only doing the cheater and his accomplis a favor to avoid consequences. It's not doing the BS any favors--it cheats her out of an authentic life, and the ability to make decisions about her own life based on the truth.
SoMovinOn Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 What time frame are we talking about? A recent A? An A that happened decades ago?
MoneyWorld Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Yes, because it's the right thing to do. They deserve to know the truth, and they have the right to know the truth! But it seems like some people would disagree with that. Would you want to know if your spouse is cheating on you? Would you want your spouse to confess the affair to you? Would you want your spouse's AP to tell you about the affair, rather than never knowing about it at all? If the answer to these questions is "yes", then why would you advise other people to not tell their spouses that they are/were cheating on them? Why would you advise the OW not to tell her MM's wife that they're having an affair? It's just something that I've been noticing and wondering while browsing around this forum. I don't think it's always a good idea. In my situation, I had an affair for about a year before I was finally able to leave my marriage. The marriage was on it's way, staggering and sputtering, toward a divorce regardless of the affair - the outcome was inevitable as the relationship was horribly disfunctional. Telling her about my affair really wouldn't serve any purpose in my opinion. We hadn't slept together for the last couple of years so I wasn't putting her at risk of an STD and we had no children so I wasn't cheating them out of time with a parent. It just seemed at the time like it would be just one more thing to fight about. Eventually when I was strong enough to leave the marriage there was no reason to throw that grenade into the room behind me in my opinion. It's been 20+ years now since that marriage came to an end now and I've never seen her, never talked to her, have no idea where she lives and know absolutely nothing about her life now (if she's even alive), nor do I have an interest. I married my affair partner and we've been living happily ever after ever since. Sometimes telling the betrayed spouse serves no real purpose in my opinion and can only make the situation worse. 1
anne1707 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Anne, I understand what you're conveying but I have a mental block with this. Can you help me? Two people, perfect relationship, one has an affair for two years. I might be naive but I can't imagine a scenario where that's possible. Is it purely because I'm relating it to my personal idea of a great relationship? Where it would be hard to spend nights apart, where you share your lives to a huge degree and know lots about each others' jobs and colleagues and attend work functions, and can borrow each others' mobile phones or cars without hesitation, and bank statements and credit card bills and phone bills are laying around and can be looked at at any time? I'm not trying to be a smart-arse. Can you see where I'm coming from? I am ashamed to say I managed to maintain such a deception for three years. It can be done. I agree that it can hit the Betrayed Spouse with COMPLETE surprise. My EX acted normal right up until the very end when I discovered it. There may have been changes but they were hidden perfectly. YES. This is also true. But it CAN be hidden. Looking back it wasn't hidden flawlessly and there were the slightest of hints, the subtlest of signs. But your spouse knows you better than anyone and can hide it from you if that is thier desire. One foot in both worlds... a bit of cake eating... I WISH someone would have come to me with the truth. Instead I had to discover it for myself. If I ever find out that people I trust knew, they will also cause me to "rethink" my relationship with them. And this was pretty much how my H felt. To go further would be a t/j but I can assure you that a BS does not always "know" there is an affair. They can be completely blind sided because the WS really has given no material signs that anything is going on. The WS can in fact appear perfectly normal, perfectly happy at home.
Author Wandaland Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 What time frame are we talking about? A recent A? An A that happened decades ago? Both. Telling her about my affair really wouldn't serve any purpose How about honesty? And having the right to know the truth, whether the marriage is dying or not? I am ashamed to say I managed to maintain such a deception for three years. It can be done. But how? You must have been extremely careful and made a great deal of effort to keep the affair hidden like that for 3 years. Didn't he check the credit card/phone bills? Didn't he wonder why you would always work late or why you would always go somewhere or something? I mean, I assume you see him and live with him every day, so I don't get it. Or maybe he's just an oblivious and gullible person.
rheinhessen Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Two years without her knowing? I doubt that. She probably does know, but is in denial and doesn't wanna face the truth. Because....I mean, come on, isn't it really difficult to have a long-term relationship with another person without your spouse noticing something suspicious? But if she doesn't know, she still deserves to know the truth. And your FIL deserves to suffer the consequences. It's really said that her husband of 40 years AND her own son are both keeping secrets from her. If my Dad told me that he had an affair, I would force him to tell mom. Doesn't matter if there are retirement/financial issues. I'm not gonna be a part of a family where there's betrayal and deception, not to mention awkward family dinners. Besides, I doubt your MIL is gonna leave him anyway. She's growing old and would have no choice but to stay with him, given the circumstances. Plus, I'm sure she loves him no matter what, since she spent so many years with him. So I don't see why she doesn't need to know the truth. May I ask: Why did he have an affair? And when did his two-year affair began? Sorry, I should clarify. My FIL told my MIL AFTER he had ended the affair, he came clean. She genuinely was none the wiser as the OW was a work colleague of my FIL and he had legitimate reasons to go away for work all over the country for days on end becuase his job is highly specialised - he maintain mendical equipment in hospitals all over the country.. He also was regularly sent to the US for up to two weeks at a time for further training and thus, the affair was easily concealed... My husband was only told (we live 400 miles away from in-laws) after my MIL insisted my FIL called him up to tell him what he had done. The fact is, there were problems within the marriage, but the fact FIL had ended the affair and she wasn't any the wiser, he could have then discussed the problems within the marriage without admitting to the affair ... he obviously told her for his own reasons.
anne1707 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 But how? You must have been extremely careful and made a great deal of effort to keep the affair hidden like that for 3 years. Didn't he check the credit card/phone bills? Didn't he wonder why you would always work late or why you would always go somewhere or something? I mean, I assume you see him and live with him every day, so I don't get it. Or maybe he's just an oblivious and gullible person. For a start, my H is not oblivious or gullible. Bash me all you want but don't have a go at him As for your question about how I hid the affair - I lied, I did not leave a trail of clues and my H trusted me because I gave him no real reason not to. I am not going into more detail because this thread is not about me.
Radagast Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I'm not a black and white thinker so I don't believe there is a "always" or "never" answer to questions like this. Someone will always come up with a situation where it would have been better for the "betrayed" spouse not to have been told, such as the woman who committed suicide after being told by a well-meaning friend that her husband had had an affair with a mutual friend of theirs decades earlier (long since over), or the man whose self-esteem had taken a blow due to his losing his job in the recession whose wife confessed to a long-ago affair whose life then spiralled downward into a depression he never recovered from, leaving him jobless, divorced, homeless and substance dependent on the street. In both those cases it would have been better for the "betrayed" not to have been told. Perhaps their lives may have been less "authentic" but at least they would have had lives, and lives with less hopelessness and despair. In my own case, I found it necessary to tell my ex-wife I was having an affair as part of my resolution of what was for me an unsustainable situation. But then, I knew I wanted to leave the marriage, and to marry my wife, and so I needed to sever the legal bonds keeping me shackled to my ex-wife. Had we not been married but only living together I could simply have packed my bags and left, putting the property on the market and giving her the option to buy out my half-share if she wished to continue living there.
Author Wandaland Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 My husband was only told (we live 400 miles away from in-laws) after my MIL insisted my FIL called him up to tell him what he had done. The fact is, there were problems within the marriage, but the fact FIL had ended the affair and she wasn't any the wiser, he could have then discussed the problems within the marriage without admitting to the affair ... he obviously told her for his own reasons. Wait, so your MIL does know what he did? Anyway, it's no wonder he was able to keep that hidden from his wife for two years. This is why I would never be with someone who works all over the world for weeks. For a start, my H is not oblivious or gullible. Bash me all you want but don't have a go at him I wasn't bashing him. I'm just saying that the only way this could have been possible is if he was gullible (don't take it as an insult), or maybe he was subconsciously ignoring the clues, even the subtle ones, or maybe he was "too trusting". Because even the sneakiest cheater can unknowingly make a couple of slip ups, and the BS will take notice. 3 years is a long time, Anne. It could be possible to pull it off if your affair went on for 3-6 months, depending how close you are with your husband. But 3 long years? I doubt it. Someone will always come up with a situation where it would have been better for the "betrayed" spouse not to have been told.......it would have been better for the "betrayed" not to have been told. Perhaps their lives may have been less "authentic" but at least they would have had lives, and lives with less hopelessness and despair. And cheaters would come up with that excuse to not tell their BS, so that they could save their own butts and protect themselves. Let's get the obvious out of the way, infidelity comes with harsh consequences. The question is, are you willing to overcome it? Most of them do. The point is that it's always the right thing to tell the BS. Questioning it like "Oh I shouldn't confess, he/she might commit suicide!" is not an excuse, because you don't know for sure if that's what the BS will do. And when they are told about the affair, they most likely wont do anything to that extreme.
Owl Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I wasn't bashing him. I'm just saying that the only way this could have been possible is if he was gullible (don't take it as an insult), or maybe he was subconsciously ignoring the clues, even the subtle ones, or maybe he was "too trusting". Because even the sneakiest cheater can unknowingly make a couple of slip ups, and the BS will take notice. 3 years is a long time, Anne. It could be possible to pull it off if your affair went on for 3-6 months, depending how close you are with your husband. But 3 long years? I doubt it. Actually, it's the fact that she did it for three years that makes it less likely that he caught on. If he didn't catch it in the first few months...then it's hardly surprising he didn't catch on at all. Because after that timeframe, there probably weren't any of the most obvious signs...the changes in behavior...that is what we tell most people to look for. After the first few months...it was ESTABLISHED behavior...which makes it much easier to continue/conceal. If he didn't look into it at first, when the changes happened...or if he just trusted that everything was ok then...there's no reason HE would change HIS behavior and suddenly start investigating 18 months later. So I find it easy to believe that he was just too trusting at one point...and then accepted that she was simply behaving 'normally' for Anne. And cheaters would come up with that excuse to not tell their BS, so that they could save their own butts and protect themselves. Let's get the obvious out of the way, infidelity comes with harsh consequences. The question is, are you willing to overcome it? Most of them do. The point is that it's always the right thing to tell the BS. Questioning it like "Oh I shouldn't confess, he/she might commit suicide!" is not an excuse, because you don't know for sure if that's what the BS will do. And when they are told about the affair, they most likely wont do anything to that extreme. On this, I agree. WS's avoiding telling their spouses the truth aren't EVER, EVER truly doing so for the BS's sake...it's entirely out of selfish motives, dressed in a way that makes it 'feel better' to the WS who is witholding the truth. 2
Author Wandaland Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 If he didn't look into it at first, when the changes happened...or if he just trusted that everything was ok then...there's no reason HE would change HIS behavior and suddenly start investigating 18 months later. So I find it easy to believe that he was just too trusting at one point...and then accepted that she was simply behaving 'normally' for Anne. I agree, he was "too trusting". If he wasn't, then he would have found out way sooner.
nofool4u Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Yes, because it's the right thing to do. They deserve to know the truth, and they have the right to know the truth! But it seems like some people would disagree with that. Would you want to know if your spouse is cheating on you? Would you want your spouse to confess the affair to you? Would you want your spouse's AP to tell you about the affair, rather than never knowing about it at all? If the answer to these questions is "yes", then why would you advise other people to not tell their spouses that they are/were cheating on them? Because the people saying "no" are the people who are doing the cheating, and the answer of "no" is from that standpoint. There may be a few, but very few, people here who have been betrayed will say they do not want know. And of those few, most of them were cheaters at one point themselves. Why would you advise the OW not to tell her MM's wife that they're having an affair? Probably because they believe its not the OW/OM's place to tell. And most only feel that they should tell after they didn't get what they wanted out of the relationship.
Author Wandaland Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 Probably because they believe its not the OW/OM's place to tell. And most only feel that they should tell after they didn't get what they wanted out of the relationship. It may not be their place to tell, but something good could come from that. The BS can now have a choice in this situation, they can now take control of their life when they're being treated horribly. Sure, the OW/OM would tell solely for the purpose of getting revenge on the person they're having an affair with, but they would also be doing the BS a favor.
Got it Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 My father was the BS and in talks with him he said that he would have rather not know about my mom's affair. He didn't know when it was happening but found out later when she told him in the middle of a fight.
GLDheart Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 My father was the BS and in talks with him he said that he would have rather not know about my mom's affair. He didn't know when it was happening but found out later when she told him in the middle of a fight. Yep. I can see how learning WAY after the fact would be the one tough call. I would still want to know however. If this is your life partner, your most intimate, and closest friend... I would want, no need, to know what is truly in thier heart.
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