smiley2222 Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 (edited) Hello I am hoping someone can shed some light. I will try make this detailed but short. My BF and I have been together for over 7 yrs. After a dating for a couple years we purchased a condo together and things were pretty stressful with newly living together and the stress of noisy neighbors, 5 yrs later we built a house. All the stress made us miserable so he came home from work one day and said he was moving out. Packed some stuff and left. A couple days later he came back for a few more things. He said he couldn't stand coming home anymore and doesn't miss me at the moment. The really bad part is, he left when I am already at my lowest He said he was hoping it would be my rock bottom and only go up from here. I asked if we could still work on things while we are no longer living together. He said he would be open to the idea but didn't see any hope. (in the past I was easy to upset and let anger take over because of all the stress) I made a joke and said "ok, when can we go on our next date?" He said "maybe next weekend." ok then I asked how he wanted to proceed and he wasn't sure. He said I could let him know how I was doing and so on. So I did a couple of times via text and he responded with keep positive and glad you are doing better. The weekend came and he texted that he wasn't sure about this weekend, I responded back with "ok, I'm going to the fair so it would have to be Sunday", he texted back and said "ok, sunday maybe." Sunday he texted and said he was having stuff delivered so wasn't going to make it and maybe this week. Monday he texted and asked if he could take the spare bed, when he got here we talked again about things and I told him that if he didn't want to be with me he needed to be honest with me because I don't want to go through this hurt twice. He said he still didn't miss me but didn't tell me it was over either. We talked about doing something in two weeks. When he left we hugged, I said I love you and he replied "I know you do". I though i would get a text or email that night saying it was over. In the meantime I am working on myself and hanging with friends. I am really confused on how to proceed because in the past if he didn't text me back right away I would freak out and text 100 times. (It's a huge pet peeve of mine because a simple busy, no or anything will suffice.) He did say " Thanks for not blowing up my phone this weekend." and that if I text him and it doesn't require a response or quick response don't take it personal. So I have been trying the LC to give him space. Here's were I am confused. He is going on a planned company trip (fun kind) in a week. I'm don't get to go now because registration for the flights was 3 days after he moved and he admitted that he was planning on never seeing me again when he moved out. Well, I asked him about our (his) dog and he said he was driving him to his parents which is over 1000 miles away R/T, then fly out from there. He will will then fly back there after the trip and bring their dog here while they travel. Then he said would you still watch puppy?! Then said he probably couldn't change the flight and I said it was worth a try. So I texted him on Thursday asking if he was able to change the flight so puppy could stay and no response. Friday I texted saying not trying to be a pest but I do need to know by tomorrow (Sat) which was yesterday and still no response. ARGH this one needs a response. I am not being needy, not checking in on him but why isn't he responding???? Just a little more information. He doesn't like things that are difficult, not the romantic type, been in 2 serious relationships- one with me the other wanted to get married and he was with her in high school and through college. He dated some girls between his ex and I. He is in his 30's me 40's. He has never lived on his own (roommates or me). He says he not cheating, he hasn't taken all of his stuff like important paperwork etc. Hasn't done a change of address (at least not yet).Still helping with mortgage but wont tell me where he moved to. Thinks I will stalk him or something but he knows me and if I really wanted to find him I could.. lol I want him back, I love him and don't know what to do. Is he trying to tell me goodbye without really telling me? Edited July 1, 2012 by smiley2222 grammer
blue_jay_bird Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Okay you can have two idea's of what he's thinking. 1)You can think he's having a hard time saying goodbye, doesn't want to hurt you any more and is trying to leave gracefully. 2) Or he's having second thoughts. I know you want and have been living in the second category. But their is a very high chance it's not true. He left you, as hard as it is to accept this. He doesn't want to be with you. Action speak louder then words. I know you want to live your life in the second category, but. If you live in the first category you can live in some form of peace. If you tell yourself "today i am going to do a test." Today I am going to live with the idea that their is a man out there that will feel the way i feel about my ex. A man that can't live without me, and would hate to see me in any pain.
Samilia Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 The feeling that I get from your story is that you're someone who was needy in your relationship, getting angry or upset easily, etc.. Not to say that you don't have great qualities, but if I am right, that pushed him away for good, and this time he won't be back. He's not responding probably because he doesn't want to be bothered right now, I honestly think this is it, he left. He's in his 30s, he probably figured he doesn't have to take that from you anymore, that he still has a shot at having a good life, and he then decided to leave. I would try and get comfort from your family and friends, maybe seek advice by getting counselling since you're talking about "rock bottom".
Author smiley2222 Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 (edited) Thank you both for your responses. Heck he already moved out spur of the moment and not telling me it's over if it's over isn't sparing my feelings. I am not begging him to come home, I told him I thought it was a good idea and I didn't blame him. I also told him I don't want to heal from this deception, then down the line have to start all over again because he wasn't being honest about staying together too. He looked me in my face and said he doesn't know. That was his chance to end it right there. Even a text when he got home saying it was over. IF he couldn't say it to my face. anyway, I am not trying to make excuses I am just really confused and want to make sense of it in my head so I don't screw things up. I really want us to work and if it takes him living somewhere else, fine. It gives us both a chance to heal and work on our issues. It took both of us to make what happened in our relationship happen. We have a home together that we just built, we also have a rental unit. If he is serious about it being over we need to talk about selling or.... We just can't ignore it and make it all go away. I pray that he is not bringing this up because he is not giving up on us in the future and just needs a break to be him. Edited July 1, 2012 by smiley2222 1
TaraMaiden Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I hate to say this, but you're going to have to be the man in this. Weird, but true. He's left you 'holding the baby' so you're literally going to have to man up and take the initiative. Here's the toughie... He 'doesn't know'.... so call his bluff. Tell him that as far as you're concerned, if he's moved out, it's a clear indication to you that coming back would be difficult. The longer he's away, the easier it is to stay away. Tell him you're going to bring an end to everything and you expect him to pay his half and sign whatever needs signing, and is there any stuff he wants to come and collect before you move everything out? He's poking you to see how far he can push, before you'll stop weeble-wobbling and topple over. His disappearing like this, as far as I am concerned, is a sign of weakness, abdication of responsibility and passing the buck. Essentially, he's telling you to handle things - including making his mind up for him. so get a grip, become decisive, and take control. You can do this. I'll bet he's counting on it.
blue_jay_bird Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Thank you both for your responses. Heck he already moved out spur of the moment and not telling me it's over if it's over isn't sparing my feelings. I am not begging him to come home, I told him I thought it was a good idea and I didn't blame him. I also told him I don't want to heal from this deception, then down the line have to start all over again because he wasn't being honest about staying together too. He looked me in my face and said he doesn't know. That was his chance to end it right there. Even a text when he got home saying it was over. IF he couldn't say it to my face. People can be cowards, my boyfriend couldn't say it to my face either.
Samilia Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Thank you both for your responses. Heck he already moved out spur of the moment and not telling me it's over if it's over isn't sparing my feelings. I am not begging him to come home, I told him I thought it was a good idea and I didn't blame him. I also told him I don't want to heal from this deception, then down the line have to start all over again because he wasn't being honest about staying together too. He looked me in my face and said he doesn't know. That was his chance to end it right there. Even a text when he got home saying it was over. IF he couldn't say it to my face. anyway, I am not trying to make excuses I am just really confused and want to make sense of it in my head so I don't screw things up. I really want us to work and if it takes him living somewhere else, fine. It gives us both a chance to heal and work on our issues. It took both of us to make what happened in our relationship happen. We have a home together that we just built, we also have a rental unit. If he is serious about it being over we need to talk about selling or.... We just can't ignore it and make it all go away. I pray that he is not bringing this up because he is not giving up on us in the future and just needs a break to be him. You seem to be handling that better than I thought. you seem calm. It's got to be complicated when you share a house and a rental.. Like Tara suggested, take the decision, he wants out, then call it for him. I don't think it's fair to let you hang like that, not tell you where he stands, where he lives, what the heck is going on. Work on your issues with a professional, it's nothing that can't be solved, so no worries there. Maybe you will be back together, maybe you will discover that life without him is better, but in both scenarios, you come out a winner and earn the opportunity to be good to somebody and have somebody good to you.
Author smiley2222 Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 Tara it's funny that you said Essentially, he's telling you to handle things - because I have always had to handle everyting. That was one of our problems. But he is a good man and I really love him for his good and bad. I put all my heart and soul, my blood, sweat and tears into building our house! I don't want to sell but can't afford the water bill let alone the mortgage. (that's my rock bottom, business suffering so really depressed and started drinking). He doesn't really care about the house and he will sign anything that he needs if I want to sell. He signed a year lease so moving back home wouldn't be an option even if he wanted to in a few months from now. If I did say, I am selling the house he knows I would be bluffing because I can't afford to go anywhere else and as long as we have the house he will make sure the mortgage is paid. And as long as he is paying the mortgage I guess I can't make him take all of his things either. I hate this! It's so hard to heal and work on yourself with this in your head every second of the day.
KatZee Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 People can be cowards, my boyfriend couldn't say it to my face either. Same here. My ex went on and on saying he wanted me to still be in his life, he loves me, I'm his best friend, doesn't want to lose what we have... and then just let me go. After two months NC he randomly comes out and finally tells me what I knew all along. Everything he said was to "spare" my feelings and to be as "gentle" as possible with the split. I think there are several things he's said that are clear red flags he's not thinking of coming back at all. 1. He has no hope. 2. He throws breadcrumbs at you because he feels really bad for you right now, but when push comes to shove, he backs out of plans. 3. He doesn't miss you. 4. His plan was to never see you again after the split. There is really nothing confusing here, he's being very clear. As far as you're concerned, he's gone. Do not hold out hope. You need to start moving on.
Balzac Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Property is a business deal. Either draw up a partnership agreement or one party buys out equity from the other.
Samilia Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Property is a business deal. Either draw up a partnership agreement or one party buys out equity from the other. Ugh and they say relationship can get messy, that really seem like a good example..
Author smiley2222 Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 I think there are several things he's said that are clear red flags he's not thinking of coming back at all. 1. He has no hope. 2. He throws breadcrumbs at you because he feels really bad for you right now, but when push comes to shove, he backs out of plans. 3. He doesn't miss you. 4. His plan was to never see you again after the split. There is really nothing confusing here, he's being very clear. As far as you're concerned, he's gone. . He has only been gone 2 weeks, I am not sure that any dumper misses or sees hope immediately after they leave or they wouldn't have left to begin with. in my eyes if you were really done with someone: 1. You would take all your stuff even if it's your house too. Why leave anything important behind. 2. Tell my ex that we need to figure out what to do with our property and I would expect that he would remove himself from the cell phone family plan seeing how it's in my name and get his own. There are really no feelings left to be spared, he already moved out without notice. Watching me ball my eyes out while he was packing.
Balzac Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 You can negotiate a lease for a few bucks, have him remove his personal property and begin your plan to relocate. It's odd how you describe your financial situation. Both names seem to be on the deeds but if he out in the majority of equity it was either a gift to you or he plans to document the financial contribution and you walk w/o cash.
Author smiley2222 Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 It's odd how you describe your financial situation. Both names seem to be on the deeds but if he out in the majority of equity it was either a gift to you or he plans to document the financial contribution and you walk w/o cash. lol sorry for any confusion. I am self employed and the economy is taking it's toll. Part of the stress that lead to him moving out. We are both on the deed, both been paying 50% up until this point. He is paying the entire mortgage now because he knows I can't afford it by myself and he offered to help with my car too, said he doesn't want me to sell it...I need it for work. He is a good guy. I brought up property because I'm confused on if it's over then we need to figure it out but he's not pushing me to sell. I am not worried about how we will split the property because I know we both will be fair when and if it comes down to selling. I am here for guidance on the relationship side to see if I should hang on while he goes through this process or if I am holding on to false hope and what my next step should be. Thanks again everyone for your input, you are all wonderful peeps
Balzac Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Honestly, what you describe is a situation where you need to self focus. He's seemingly willing to support you doing just that. Get yourself in order. Get your business cleared up as best you are able to in a down economic cycle. My guess is that's he's tired of the stress and dramatics. Correcting those stressors may give him cause to rethink.
Author smiley2222 Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 Thanks Balzac you are so right! I'm looking for a part time job till mine goes full time again. I am filling my schedule with friends and classes. Even signed up for a meditation class I guess it's best just to stop contacting him even for legitimate reasons and when he comes for mail or rent from rental I will just keep it simple and sweet.
Author smiley2222 Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 So last Thursday he texts and asks if he can come pick up his mail because he would be in my area playing ball. I said that I was just leaving and I would be home around 8. He replied ok, after. I expected him to say, I have the key I'll just go in and get it. Anyway, he got injured and was in a bad mood when he came. He asked a few questions about the 4th and what I have been up to, I was being positive and telling him all the things I have been doing, he seemed to get more agitated. I mentioned that I was excited to see our pup this weekend and he didn't say anything (he had said he was willing to see me once a week and this weekend we planned to take our dog to the beach). I let it be. He left and I hugged him goodby. Saturday I heard nothing and Sunday I asked about his finger, he said he needed to see a specialist. I said do I get to see you guys today, he said not today. I replied back saying that he is leaving in 5 days (company trip) I haven't seen our dog in almost a month, these minds games aren't going to solve anything, if he wants it to be over, say it and we need to figure out how to proceed on the house. Otherwise if he just needs time away say it. I will give hime the time. But he needs to stop telling me we can do something then make excuses when the time comes. Because it's cruel. ] No response. He leaves tomorrow for the fun company trip and I usually go with. I am not able to pay next month bills and I am freaking out! I am afraid to ask him for $ for the bills because I don't want to cause him stress and he already knows. I just want him to come home. Argh Sorry, I just needed to vent.
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