Married woman's dilemma

[malzy]

Happily married to my husband of 7 years. Two boys, and am over all sexually satisfied. I have always been attracted to women just as much as men but chose to not really explore it all. Sure i have played spin the bottle and i kissed a few girls that way. I dunno my emotions were not so much in play then. Sure it was nice, but not ....so i chalked it up to chance. Ya know.

Well my i moved to a city house and my neighbors and i became fast friends. Her and her Fiance were just starting out and what not. We were instant friends. Could tell each other just about anything...ANYTHING. Well i confessed to her my interest in women. Not cause i wanted to be with her, i was just discussing the subject with her as i do many other subjects.

 

Weeks later we were out drinking and she asked me to go on a potty party with her and she kissed me. Romantically two times. I was a little startled to kiss back. She was drunk i did not wish more to be made of if cause she was drunk and some people just do that when they drink. Well later she was embarrassed and i had to bring it up. she was so mortified we never discussed it in depth.

 

well last night we got together and i hung with her at a hair apt and we decided to go out for drinks with our husband and fiance, we also decided they would stay at our house on account of the bar only being a block away.

she said she would be sleeping (with me) tonight. i brushed it off for the most part till she at the bar kept hugging me and telling me that she loved me so much. But....she was quite drunk. we went back to the house when the bar closed and hung out. She whispered to me that she wanted to be intamate with me and have it be an ongoing thing. and that she thinks about it a lot and that our husbands dont need to be involved....

 

Well i was conflicted. my curiosity is definatly piqued. but to enter into that spur of the moment and drunk is just not my way. i told her i would discuss it sober. and that perhaps it was something we could do but only after she has weighed all the consequences....after all i have not myself.

 

I dunno i am left just confused. it would be fun to explore and my husband is supportive, but it just feels awkward and that it more than likely not turn out how i want. I would not like our friendship to lessen or become intrusive on my marriage. I value my husbands relationship over any... i am just unsure of where to go from here. I want to.....But i am way too cautious and scared to proceed at this time.

 

please forgive my lack of interest in spell checking and grammar. Im just too tired from last night still.

 

I need advise from someone who has been there.

[BetrayedH]

Happily married to my husband of 7 years. Two boys, and am over all sexually satisfied. I have always been attracted to women just as much as men but chose to not really explore it all. Sure i have played spin the bottle and i kissed a few girls that way. I dunno my emotions were not so much in play then. Sure it was nice, but not ....so i chalked it up to chance. Ya know.

Well my i moved to a city house and my neighbors and i became fast friends. Her and her Fiance were just starting out and what not. We were instant friends. Could tell each other just about anything...ANYTHING. Well i confessed to her my interest in women. Not cause i wanted to be with her, i was just discussing the subject with her as i do many other subjects.

 

Weeks later we were out drinking and she asked me to go on a potty party with her and she kissed me. Romantically two times. I was a little startled to kiss back. She was drunk i did not wish more to be made of if cause she was drunk and some people just do that when they drink. Well later she was embarrassed and i had to bring it up. she was so mortified we never discussed it in depth.

 

well last night we got together and i hung with her at a hair apt and we decided to go out for drinks with our husband and fiance, we also decided they would stay at our house on account of the bar only being a block away.

she said she would be sleeping (with me) tonight. i brushed it off for the most part till she at the bar kept hugging me and telling me that she loved me so much. But....she was quite drunk. we went back to the house when the bar closed and hung out. She whispered to me that she wanted to be intamate with me and have it be an ongoing thing. and that she thinks about it a lot and that our husbands dont need to be involved....

 

Well i was conflicted. my curiosity is definatly piqued. but to enter into that spur of the moment and drunk is just not my way. i told her i would discuss it sober. and that perhaps it was something we could do but only after she has weighed all the consequences....after all i have not myself.

 

I dunno i am left just confused. it would be fun to explore and my husband is supportive, but it just feels awkward and that it more than likely not turn out how i want. I would not like our friendship to lessen or become intrusive on my marriage. I value my husbands relationship over any... i am just unsure of where to go from here. I want to.....But i am way too cautious and scared to proceed at this time.

 

please forgive my lack of interest in spell checking and grammar. Im just too tired from last night still.

 

I need advise from someone who has been there.

 

Other than being cheated on, I haven't been there. But I can tell you that your friend suggesting the two of you cheat on your men (and you going along with it) is.not.going.to.end.well. Play out all of the possible scenarios in your head, take them out a year from now. Which one ends up with you and your husband happily married, your friend and husband happily married, and you all remaining friends?

 

Best case for you is to end this fantasy of your friend's hard and firm and then maybe you can remain friends with her. If she continues on the cheating path, you had better disconnect from that toxic friend or your marriage, friendships, family, and life will be in shambles a year from now.

[malzy]

First off i wish to clear up any confusion, My husband knows all and has been told all. And hes fine with it.

My firend and her fiance have already engaged in swinger like behavior with another one of her friends in the past. My husband and i never have. I have personally never felt the need to spice things up that much.

My only interest in the act with her is mainly well...curiosity. and thats not really fair to be used in such a way....and shes always drunk when she wants to do these things. I don't know if i want to be with a girl cause i am drunk.

[BetrayedH]

First off i wish to clear up any confusion, My husband knows all and has been told all. And hes fine with it.

My firend and her fiance have already engaged in swinger like behavior with another one of her friends in the past. My husband and i never have. I have personally never felt the need to spice things up that much.

My only interest in the act with her is mainly well...curiosity. and thats not really fair to be used in such a way....and shes always drunk when she wants to do these things. I don't know if i want to be with a girl cause i am drunk.

 

Appreciate the clarification. Not sure if it changes much, though. In almost every 3some/swinger/3rd party scenario I've encountered, someone gets hurt. Someone just likes it more than the other, wants to go further than originally discussed, gets jealous after the fact. What happens when your H wants to be in there with both of you? What if he ends up liking her more than expected. I've heard of many an affair that starts this way when two of the three take a real liking to each other and do it on the side. Crossing these boundaries really blurrs the boundaries. I'm not sure why you would want to jeopardize what sounds like a very healthy marriage. You don't even seem to want it that much. Hot and bothered by other women? Maybe a lap dance together at a strip club with no emotional attachment and no baggage, just two married people really hot for one another. Again, I just don't see a positive outcome and I see lots of potential negative ones, especially since these are your friends. Your call, just seems like you have a lot to lose for a fantasy thing that probably won't live up to the hype (especially if it's a drunken thing). Perhaps talk it thru with your H some more. What does he see this evolving into? What are all the scenarios and what would be optimum?

[whichwayisup]

Don't do it. Fact that she only shows sexual interest in you when she's drunk is a red flag. When she's sober, she's embarressed and mortified by her behaviour.

 

This WILL ruin the friendship. Make it weird or it'll open the door to other things.

 

Focus that energy into your husband and marriage.

[HHC]

Based on her reaction to it sober I wouldn't do anything with her.

 

Nothing worse than people being two different people both drunk and sober.

I've kissed a few girls drunk, but I've acknowledge it sober and happily talked about it if it needed clarification.

 

She sounds young and, I hate to use this word, gutless.

 

I would find someone else to experiment on

[malzy]

Why would you even consider having sexual relations with this woman without first demanding a comprehensive STD screen of both her AND her fiancee?

 

Any one who would drunkenly start making out with you (or anyone) on a trip to the sh*tter obviously has pretty low standards.

 

One of the reasons I said no.STD screen is a must have.

[Radu]

If you truly are interested in doing it with a girl, and your husband approves of it [with or without it being a 3some ... the 3some part does complicate things a bit], this is what i would do :

- start planning it with husband, and talk about where you could meet such a girl; this way you both enjoy what is for now a fantasy, and he gets involved with it too

- i read somewhere that 40% or more of girls have been curious about this, so i would look for a girl who is not in a relationship, who is generally monogamous [doesn't drink, not a party animal], and i would try to get to be friends with her [do it with several untill something develops with one].

- after the above is done, i would broach the subject of lesbi/bi with them, see what their reaction is like ... and go from there.

- in addition to an STD test i would also ask for a papsmear test, considering how nasty HPV can be

- the girl you do this with ... i wouldn't choose one which may appear to be your type, just in case you end up falling in love with her; you also need to monitor your feelings constantly and talk about everything with your husband ... to not let it develop romantically

 

I would not do anything with this girl for a few reasons :

- she needs dutch courage for it

- she may drink before going down on you, google to see what happens when you introduce sugars [fructose is a sugar] to the environment of the vagina

- considering her lifestyle and what you wrote of her, she is probably not so clean

- and finally listen in life to 'do not **** where you eat'; applies to affairs with ppl at work too

 

And remember, your hubby doesn't have to be in the room the first time for him to enjoy it. Video is nice [if legal in your country/state] and keeping him involved with planning/advice is awesome.

[malzy]

My husband would not be involved.... Its not something he wants to do himself. Can of worms thing. He really supports me to, but by no means pushy. I guess i dont wanna go out there and just have sex with a girl. Just seems low class. This girl is nice and a friend, one of my best friends up here. Its just not something i see myself doing with her. How to let her down easy...?

 

I would not mind just mutual affection kissing an petting between us, and get all fired up and ready for sex with our guys. alone! not together. That sounds better.

[malzy]

You realize her husband wants to bang you even if your husband doesn't want to get involved.

 

Can't you see they are trying to set you up for a F-M-F threesome?

 

It's even possible your husband is into being a cuckold to a "hot wife" and is participating in the set-up.

 

Maybe with the quid pro quo of him banging your female friend as payback.

 

Do you really feel comfortable being treated like a piece of meat by these people?

 

 

No and no, Her fiance so she claims does no know... and my husband would rather **** a fence pole. lol hes pretty much not into cuckold. He thinks being ME with a girl is just hot.

but hes territorial when it comes to me and men. It is very clear we would have trouble if i cheated on him with a guy. He likes that i have only been with him ever, and him the same with me.

He would not bang my friend cause there are personality traits that make him not want to be with her at all. He seems to warn me about opening a can of worms with being with her. its weird he says.... I agree it would be a possible disaster. but he does not mind me being with a girl in general.....just a little cautious about this friend of mine. I dont blame him.... we would very likely lose a good friend couple that we do stuff with. And i dont want that.... just because im curious.

[2sure]

If youre curious...what could be better and safer than exploring it , especially as a one time thing, with someone you know, someone you are comfy with, and someone your husband is not threatened by.And since she has done it before, no one has to be all awkward after.

 

But yes, drunk is not good.

[2sure]

If they want a threesome, just say NO. They aren't criminals are they?

[never93mind]

Why would you change anything in your marriage when everything seems to be functional. From engineering prospective, if something is working just fine, you do not change it! Look around ... people have hard time getting a functional/normal marriage and you are risking what you have with something you are not sure about. Just think about that, follow your gut feeling that says "no" and you will forget about extra excitement!

Edited July 4, 2012 by never93mind

[WeAllMightBeNuts]

Happily married to my husband of 7 years. Two boys, and am over all sexually satisfied. I have always been attracted to women just as much as men but chose to not really explore it all. Sure i have played spin the bottle and i kissed a few girls that way. I dunno my emotions were not so much in play then. Sure it was nice, but not ....so i chalked it up to chance. Ya know.

Well my i moved to a city house and my neighbors and i became fast friends. Her and her Fiance were just starting out and what not. We were instant friends. Could tell each other just about anything...ANYTHING. Well i confessed to her my interest in women. Not cause i wanted to be with her, i was just discussing the subject with her as i do many other subjects.

 

Weeks later we were out drinking and she asked me to go on a potty party with her and she kissed me. Romantically two times. I was a little startled to kiss back. She was drunk i did not wish more to be made of if cause she was drunk and some people just do that when they drink. Well later she was embarrassed and i had to bring it up. she was so mortified we never discussed it in depth.

 

well last night we got together and i hung with her at a hair apt and we decided to go out for drinks with our husband and fiance, we also decided they would stay at our house on account of the bar only being a block away.

she said she would be sleeping (with me) tonight. i brushed it off for the most part till she at the bar kept hugging me and telling me that she loved me so much. But....she was quite drunk. we went back to the house when the bar closed and hung out. She whispered to me that she wanted to be intamate with me and have it be an ongoing thing. and that she thinks about it a lot and that our husbands dont need to be involved....

 

Well i was conflicted. my curiosity is definatly piqued. but to enter into that spur of the moment and drunk is just not my way. i told her i would discuss it sober. and that perhaps it was something we could do but only after she has weighed all the consequences....after all i have not myself.

 

I dunno i am left just confused. it would be fun to explore and my husband is supportive, but it just feels awkward and that it more than likely not turn out how i want. I would not like our friendship to lessen or become intrusive on my marriage. I value my husbands relationship over any... i am just unsure of where to go from here. I want to.....But i am way too cautious and scared to proceed at this time.

 

please forgive my lack of interest in spell checking and grammar. Im just too tired from last night still.

 

I need advise from someone who has been there.

 

Is it wrong that I got wood to this?

[mercy]

I stay away from people who aren't healthy to my marriage. And I keep my fantasies to myself.

 

You're allowing this temptation to consume you and the price of it is going to be way more than you bargained for.

 

Nice fantasy but in my opinion is exactly where it needs to stay.

[mercy]

Other than being cheated on, I haven't been there. But I can tell you that your friend suggesting the two of you cheat on your men (and you going along with it) is.not.going.to.end.well. Play out all of the possible scenarios in your head, take them out a year from now. Which one ends up with you and your husband happily married, your friend and husband happily married, and you all remaining friends?

 

Best case for you is to end this fantasy of your friend's hard and firm and then maybe you can remain friends with her. If she continues on the cheating path, you had better disconnect from that toxic friend or your marriage, friendships, family, and life will be in shambles a year from now.

 

Great advice!

 

Stop drinking with her.

Edited July 4, 2012 by mercy
wanted to add

[malzy]

OP and her husband want to cross a line--the monogamy line--but both want to pretend that they're not crossing it because the OP is a woman and a friend.

 

They want to tast of the forbidden fruit and pretend they can handle the consequences.

 

These are two people who are both relatively very inexperienced sexually and emotionally--they've each only ever had sex before with each other. That suggests that in no way are they prepared to handle a non-monogamous aspect to their relationship.

 

The mere fact that OP's husband is pretending to express disinterest in the female friend, and that OP refuses to acknowledge his probable interest in her despite his denials, proves they can't handle it because they're not even being fully honest with each other and perhaps themselves about their real motivations.

 

Most likely there is also some sexual dissatisfaction between them in the bedroom which they don't want to deal with/aren't prepared to deal with and this is part of the strong motivation to seek sexual relief outside the marriage.

 

In sum what they really need is marital counseling, and maintaining strict boundaries on their marriage, not take the seemingly easy "escape route" of messing around with someone else's woman. They actually need to force themselves to take the hard road not the easy road if they want to improve their marriage.

 

Frankly as the OP's husband I would have been offended, not turned on, if some chick thought she could just hit on my wife while drunk in a bar. Just as much as if a guy had hit on my wife. It's completely disrespectful.

 

As a husband, if I actually wanted my wife to have sex with another woman--which I don't (other than perhaps as a total fantasy, not in reality)--rest assured I would want to be calling the shots before I gave my "permission." Allowing the wife to have sex with another woman whom the OP's husband supposedly doesn't even get along with doesn't even make psychological sense. Why would I give someone I don't like, male or female, permission to have sex with my wife?

 

If this happens it will likely be a disaster, one or both of them will end up having an affair with these people or someone else, it will end the marriage most likely one way or the other.

 

Please OP stay out of other peoples' bedrooms, get some marital counseling for yourself and spouse, and for gosh sake try to live your life with a bit more self-respect.

 

My husband does like the girl! as my friend....he just does not want to have sex with her! you make some pretty hefty assumptions in your previous posts.

[malzy]

Stop getting drunk with your disordered friends and spend that time with your two boys.

 

 

Uh, once a month they go the their grandparents...Its not like they are shoved to the side. I live over 250 miles from family and most of the friends i grew up with. KIDS SHOULD SPEND TIME WITH OTHER FAMILY.

I am in no way a drunk and never get trashed. ....EVER.

[Radu]

No and no, Her fiance so she claims does no know... and my husband would rather **** a fence pole. lol hes pretty much not into cuckold. He thinks being ME with a girl is just hot.

but hes territorial when it comes to me and men. It is very clear we would have trouble if i cheated on him with a guy. He likes that i have only been with him ever, and him the same with me.

He would not bang my friend cause there are personality traits that make him not want to be with her at all. He seems to warn me about opening a can of worms with being with her. its weird he says.... I agree it would be a possible disaster. but he does not mind me being with a girl in general.....just a little cautious about this friend of mine. I dont blame him.... we would very likely lose a good friend couple that we do stuff with. And i dont want that.... just because im curious.

 

First of all, congrats on keeping your husband informed and not doing an affair. This might seem odd but if you stay on these forums for a while you get my drift.

Your husband warned you about this girl because she has bad character traits [tons of red flags plus for her fiance it would be cheating and you would be the OW] and because she is close to you [neighbours] and you have kids.

He also doesn't want her bad character traits to rub off on you.

This may sound harsh, but you need to listen to him because if you do this with her not only you will make him feel a bit uncomfortable doing something that some ppl clasify as cheating [when communication is key] and because you are playing with matches near a powder keg with this girl.

 

It is better, safer, to do find some other girl with whom you can be friends to do this specifically.

[malzy]

I and my friend did NOTHING and it went nowhere between us.

 

our friendship is tight, we are buds but we are not kissing buds. Still have a drink once in the bluest moon, but otherwise she and her now husband have kids, and now i have three sons with my husband of now nine years.

 

She is no longer the neighbor, because they bought a house of their own and live a few towns over.

 

I never cheated and was upfront about all things from day one. Never the deceiver, and NEVER THE LIAR.

 

My marriage i thought was good because we were honest, and respected one another. But that wonderful husband of mine? Yeah well i caught HIM cheating and saying i love you's to three other women. One of them a cam whore.

 

Honesty and communication are KEY in maintaining ones morals. I still have mine. But he lost his.

[Clay]

Are you still with your husband? What was his reasons for cheating ?

 

Clay

[redtail]

But that wonderful husband of mine? Yeah well i caught HIM cheating and saying i love you's to three other women. One of them a cam whore.

I'm so sorry, seems you were true to your marriage.

 

Honesty and communication are KEY in maintaining ones morals. I still have mine. But he lost his.

Good for you, that is very important, both for yourself and a good example for your kids!

[BetrayedH]

Ugh. I'm sorry to hear about your H. It sucks.

 

Imagine if you'd had that little tryst with your friend. Your H would have had all sorts of justifications for his cavorting around. I'm glad you didn't give him any ammunition to use against you.

[malzy]

Justification for cheating, in his mind was we were each others one and only's I have only had sex with him and at one time vice versa.

 

He started to dwell on negatives. anything he could mentally pick at he rationalized it as reason to cheat.

 

He also thought i would never find out. He could scratch the itch and i would ne none the wiser.

 

Well when you scratch your itch, it tends to itch worse.... Well that is that.

 

He is a cheater trying to fix himself. and fix us. I found out four and a half months ago. We separated when he went out of the country. He is back now...and depressed, sad and trying to mend me... But he can't. I can only mend me now i think. Away from him.

 

Not filing for divorce currently. No i have not TAKEN him back perse, just trying to find which way is up since the carpet was pulled out from under me.

 

He realizes now that he looked to anything small...anything at all to complain about so that he would feel moral in cheating. Is if cheating can be claimed as moral..

[BetrayedH]

Don't know if you want or need advice, but if so, I'd post in the infidelity forum.