chickenlicken Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 My ex & I had a terrible split, it's been long & drawn out, messy, expensive & public. I am doing so much better than I was at the beginning of the end. That I know. There have been periods of month when we haven't seen or spoken to each other, outside of court rooms. We are no longer in family court, & our relationship has been tumultuous again, to some extent. We went through a period where he wanted to come back. I simply don't have the emotional strength to do it. It isn't because I don't love him or want him, it's because I feel certain that he will be the same person I walked away from. I hope someone else can relate to that...? It's the hardest thing in the world. I still miss him physically, emotionally. It has gotten better with time, but there are still times when I miss him so intensely. It's only every couple of days that I find my mind resting on him, & have trouble eliminating the thoughts. I feel like, if he really loved me, he would let me be. He would treat me as a business associate. He doesn't. It's not easy to resist him when he is inviting me. Sometimes I feel flattered, sometimes I feel disrespected. Sometimes I find myself sinking into his trap. When that happens, I almost always find myself less happy in the days that follow. The more embroiled I become, the less happy I become. That said, I know that I am probably going to let him suck me in again. I know I'm never going back. He has put me through so much. There are times when I'm stunned about our history. I feel sad that the father of my child is a man who I can't trust. It's such a process. I have been involved with a few men, & I can't say that any of them have been anything terribly special to me. I don't feel capable of love anymore. I feel like the risk is too great. The physical & emotional toll of the end of the relationship with my ex has been so enormous, I don't even feel like I've really recovered. I imagine myself involved with someone else, & it just doesn't seem worth it. I'm just venting. Tonight I'm exhausted by everything. I talked to him tonight, it's been a while. I have been putting distance between us lately because I found myself becoming increasingly unhappy. I haven't spoken to him in about a week, & tonight I had to talk to him about our son's upcoming surgery. We ended up being on the phone for an hour, he wanted to know what my plans were for the 4th, he asked me what we were doing tomorrow, & said that he wishes he could come with, and chuckled. I know he was waiting for an invitation. It didn't come. This isn't what I WANTED. You can't always get what you want, I know. I just wish I would accept that this is what I have, & stop feeling so damn bad about my fractured family. I'm usually ok. Sometimes, not so much.
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