xpaperxcutx Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Maybe you should make him pay for having sex with you. Why let him have his xake and eat it too ehile you end up with crumbs.
KathyM Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I don't mean to pick on you...........but wait a minute. I've saw quite a few posts where the betrayed wife was mighty pissed off that her husband spent money on the ow. So......aren't you speaking out of both sides of your mouth a bit here? Nothing of what this MM is doing is right by either woman. He is deceiving the wife and using the OW. I'm looking at this scenario from the OWs perspective--what is normal to expect from a romantic relationship--time and attention, and a supposed "dating" relationship. I'm pointing out how very little she is getting from this guy in terms of a dating relationship--having to not only share him with his wife, be led on with promises that are not likely to pan out, and if she does end up with the guy (the chances of which are pretty minimal), she will be left with a guy who will cheat on his wife, and a guy who will nickle and dime her in the process. I'm not saying he SHOULD pay her way, since he should be doing nothing with this woman, but from her perspective and a dating perspective, she is getting next to nothing from this--a man she has to share with his wife--a man who won't leave his wife--a man who has that calculator going on in his head to make sure he doesn't pay for anything more than half in this relationship. I'd say that sounds like a pretty selfish man in more ways than one, and not one worth spending time on. Apparently, she doesn't have a problem with having to share his time and attention with another woman, but apparently she expects to be treated like more than just a friend, since they are lovers after all, and it becomes odd when all expenses are split down the middle on every occasion. I'd be saying the same thing for non-cheating romantic relationships. If the guy is having that calculator going in his head all the time, and expecting everything to be split down the middle every time, I would consider that a red flag. 2
yeah Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 (edited) I too have usually paid often in past long term committed relationships every few dates, etc., so I'm with you on that, but I completely agree it sounded like he was TREATING you (and he should be in this case!!!) You are just coming off of a DIVORCE, and this tool has been playing you like a harmonica. EDIT:(I've only been in one EA that lasted 5 months and I often tried to pay for us as a symbol to show him I wasn't looking for a sugar daddy or a fling or to be a hooker, I really wanted something real to come out of it, BUT every single time I tried to pay he refused- and I think it's because he knew in his guilty conscience what he was really paying for, and that all I would ever be was a very naive convenient side piece.) I asked him if it was his wife going with him if he would be asking her to pay her half and he said "that is why I am not taking her"! Wow. Just WOW. That's the ONLY reason? LOL. Even if it's not his only reason, the fact he would have no qualms about saying that to you just shows how little respect he has. He is really full of himself, and a cheapskate to boot. I also want this trip to be my farewell because I can no longer continue with this situation. That's quite the expensive goodbye present he's getting, aaaand the opportunity for lots of uninterrupted action. Lucky guy! How should I handle this issue in a tactful manner? This dude sounds like he might not be the best judge of tact, unless he just thinks you are used to getting nothing. Sorry so blunt, but I wouldn't spend my hard earned money to give this guy any type of gratification for 3-5 days... ESPECIALLY if you're planning on leaving him right after!!! I'm not judging you in any way because I only speak from experience, but I suspect that you are hoping the alone time in a paradise setting will seal the deal and make him finally leave his wife, because why else would you cough up that much dough for someone I think you know is a complete tool just to say goodbye? If anything it's gonna make YOU fall harder, and he is going to be like, "Wow this chick is perfect for an affair, she's super easy and goes along with whatever crap I dish out!" Edited July 2, 2012 by yeah
Stellar Wench Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 It's perfectly reasonable for an OW to expect expenses be paid for her. A smart OW knows that you don't give it away for free.
YellowShark Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 It's perfectly reasonable for an OW to expect expenses be paid for her. A smart OW knows that you don't give it away for free. Funny. So do prostitutes. 2
Stellar Wench Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 To expect him to pay your expenses is ridiculous. Sorry but it would be the same if he was your boyfriend and you two weren't living together. You're not married to him, you aren't his girlfriend..I agree with the above, but this isn't a normal relationship. She is the OW. She has upheld her end of the bargain, and he hasn't upheld his. As such, she deserves compensation. You are his OW on the side. It's an affair so it is unfair of you to even put this on him.Yes, she's the OW, but I see so many OW get the raw end of the deal. Many OW don't receive as much as a card on Valentine's Day. Many of them bear the total expense for vacations, not just their half. Very unwise. An OW provides companionship, sex, and most importantly, discretion. She deserves something in return. An all-expense paid trip is not unreasonable. 1
Stellar Wench Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Funny. So do prostitutes.Exactly. Even prostitutes are paid for their service. Why shouldn't an OW be compensated as well?
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 When I was a little girl I loved to watch old movies. The woman in the "mistress" role was often showered with expensive gifts, like mink coats and jewelry. Her married lover kept her in a penthouse apartment, evidently with an eye to making sure she was as satisfied as possible with her position in his life. Whenever he was able to visit her, she was ready to present herself to him as a vision of glamour and sexiness. Meanwhile, the wife was home wearing an apron and up to her elbows in dishwater with snotty nosed kids swarming around her swollen ankles. It's not really like this? 2
nofool4u Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Fast forward five days and last night he asked me if I had money to pay for my part because we were going dutch!! I asked him why he was being so uptight about it and he said "I do not have that kind on money" when I well know he does! I told him that was not very gentleman-like and he said he is ready to cover his own expenses. It doesn't matter if he has the money or not. Right now, since he is still married, that money should be for his family, not you. If he was divorced and paying child support, etc, then yes, any money left over is his to do with as he pleases. Right now, it would be despicable for him to take that money and use it to take a mistress on vacation, as if cheating on his wife and children isn't already so much so. I can pay for my part, but that is not the point, it is the way it makes me feel. Sorry, but you are messing with a MM. It comes with the territory. He has a family. I thought he was inviting me to take a vacation together, that he would be delighted to finally spend a few days together at a magical place and take this opportunity to treat me like the "queen" he so much tells me I am to him. And how do you think he is going to explain this huge hole out of the marital money to his wife? How should I handle this issue in a tactful manner? To not go on the trip, tell him its over, and find yourself a good single man.
Radagast Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 How old is he? It may sound sexist or possibly ageist but I was brought up to take care of the woman I loved, whether or not she needed me to, and that includes financially. Like the man in this scenario, my finances were separate from my ex-wife's during the affair, and as long as each month we both contributed our agreed amount to the communal account, the rest of her money was hers to do with as she pleased and the rest of my money was mine, likewise. Because of the relative strength of my currency over my lover's currency, I earned a lot more than she did although she was also in a well-paid job, and so it made financial as well as moral sense to me to contribute more towards our holidays, although she always insisted on contributing and not allowing me to carry the entire cost. Unless it had been made clear from the very outset that the holiday was mentioned that the plan had been to self-fund, I would find it extremely crass for him to invite his lover and then tell her he expected her to cover her own costs. If I invite friends to dinner I do not expect them to bring food, or contribute to costs. If I invite friends to movies, I'll get the tickets. So why would a lover be different?
nofool4u Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 It's perfectly reasonable for an OW to expect expenses be paid for her. No, its not. Its never reasonable to bed down someone married and expect them to use money on them that is meant for the family. Although antiquated, THIS is why there are Alienation of Affection laws.
nofool4u Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Yes, she's the OW, but I see so many OW get the raw end of the deal. Knowingly enter an affair with someone who is married, knowing the score, knowing what they are doing to harm other people.....and you think there is some raw end of the deal here for an OW/OM? Maybe she should ask this guy's wife if she is getting a raw deal. Gee, here is an idea, if you are concerned with OW/OM, whoever, getting a "raw end of the deal", how about they not enter affairs. Call me kooky. Thats like punching someone in the face, then becoming surprised when you get your ass handed to you afterwards. 2
SomedayDig Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 OM/OW getting the raw end of the deal. That's choice. LOL
whichwayisup Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I agree with the above, but this isn't a normal relationship. She is the OW. She has upheld her end of the bargain, and he hasn't upheld his. As such, she deserves compensation. Yes, she's the OW, but I see so many OW get the raw end of the deal. Many OW don't receive as much as a card on Valentine's Day. Many of them bear the total expense for vacations, not just their half. Very unwise. An OW provides companionship, sex, and most importantly, discretion. She deserves something in return. An all-expense paid trip is not unreasonable. But it's an affair, not the primary relationship. I know each A is different, maybe some MM provide and give their OW 'compensation' but in this case, the A isn't like that, he isn't going to pay her way, nor spend tons of money on her and he's been very clear with that. It's up to her to decide now what she wants to do. She knows what's what and to hope/expect for something that isn't going to happen will only disappoint her more.
2sunny Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Looks like one post and then the OP disappeared... Dang... Was hoping she would see this OMM for what he is... And how she's participating - and the harm she's causing HERSELF by continuing... And maybe find the strength to end it. Any update OP?
stillafool Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 It's perfectly reasonable for an OW to expect expenses be paid for her. A smart OW knows that you don't give it away for free. Yeah, that's usually why prostitutes charge.
stillafool Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I agree with the above, but this isn't a normal relationship. She is the OW. She has upheld her end of the bargain, and he hasn't upheld his. As such, she deserves compensation. Yes, she's the OW, but I see so many OW get the raw end of the deal. Many OW don't receive as much as a card on Valentine's Day. Many of them bear the total expense for vacations, not just their half. Very unwise. An OW provides companionship, sex, and most importantly, discretion. She deserves something in return. An all-expense paid trip is not unreasonable. That's one of the costs of being the OW, oh and a bad reputation! What do they expect? At least prostitutes are smart enough to not get their heart involved.
nofool4u Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 A lot of you seem to have busted sarcasm meters. Perhaps, but its hard telling who is being sarcastic and who is not these days on here. With the entitlement attitude alot on this site seem to have, what would normally be seen as sarcasm could just very well be someone being completely serious.
SomedayDig Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Perhaps, but its hard telling who is being sarcastic and who is not these days on here. With the entitlement attitude alot on this site seem to have, what would normally be seen as sarcasm could just very well be someone being completely serious. That seems a little sarcastic
Author GettingTired09 Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Hi All, I am back. Since I am new to posting (I have been lurking on this forum for the past year though!) I hope I reply appropriately. I do want to say it is very interesting to read the many different opinions from different points of view and I appreciate all of them. I will now attempt to reply to each one of you that took the time to respond to this topic (I am technically challenged so I hope it goes well). Here I go.
Author GettingTired09 Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Well, actually, the problem is I am not treated like the "queen" he so tells me I am to him, why continue being his "queen" if this "queen" does not have the throne and the crown?? I guess this goes to words are cheap and they do not match with his actions. I see it but I am slowly working towards being strong to actually do something about it. The holiday is not that expensive, it would be $700 USD per person and it is not about the money, I am independent and able to pay for it, it is the way he approached the conversation. he might treat you like a "queen" but this particular queen-treatment of a hoiday is too expensive for him
MissBee Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Well, actually, the problem is I am not treated like the "queen" he so tells me I am to him, why continue being his "queen" if this "queen" does not have the throne and the crown?? I guess this goes to words are cheap and they do not match with his actions. I see it but I am slowly working towards being strong to actually do something about it. The holiday is not that expensive, it would be $700 USD per person and it is not about the money, I am independent and able to pay for it, it is the way he approached the conversation. I'm glad you're seeing this! I'd like to be the Queen of my man's castle as well. In any case, I agree. It has nothing to do with whether or not you're an independent woman What does independence have to do with your boyfriend/husband buying you gifts? A trip is a gift. It may be a more expensive gift, depending on the trip, but is a gift nonetheless. He isn’t paying for daily necessities like your rent, phone bill, medical bills etc. If you expected or relied on him for that, then indeed that would be you being dependent on him to pay for your life. The man you’re seeing paying for a trip is not in the same category as that and doesn’t take away from your independence. Most if not all gifts people have bought for me were things I could afford on my own, yet they did it as a nice gesture, because they care about me and wanted to give it to me. Likewise, in a relationship I take it in the same vein. I agree that the way he approached the conversation was completely off putting. It's one thing if you were planning it together and said from jump you'd pay your own way...but for him to say "Hope you know you're paying for yourself" is completely tacky and makes him seem very cheap. Even if he had said "Hey honey, I think we should pay separately this time" or some other way but when someone says "Hope you know you're paying for yourself" that gives a very different and cheap air to the whole matter. I always say cheapness is not about actual money but your attitude towards it.
2sunny Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 You would have a chance to be treated right IF it was an AVAILABLE man... But your choices have left you with an unavailable man. You CAN CHOOSE DIFFERENTLY NOW! 1
Author GettingTired09 Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Well since he has never taken trips with this wife I was curious to know what his expectations of her would be if he was traveling with her. They have a very strange arrangement when it comes to their money, he does not touch her money, she does not touch his, and they do have their own accounts. I am confused. What are you upset about? Paying for your wife to go on a trip is natural. Paying for your AP is optional.
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