Mariana345 Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I have posted my story in another thread, so to make it short, my bf broke up with me 4 weeks ago. He told me that he doesn't feel the same way, that he has resentments because all the fights and all the problems in our relationship, and that he wanted to know if he could miss me and feel as before. I cried, beg, pleaded but he didn't change his mind that day, so I told him that I wait for him... and he told me that he doesn't believe that he could be back So, I started with NC, but because I thought that we were on a "break" and when he just erased our relationship status on facebook I sent him an email, asking what the "break" will mean. He answer me that he ended the relationship that day, and he didn't think a "break" would work cause he doesn't feel capable to continue Then I sent him 2 emails, one asking him to reconsider and another one, like 20 minutes later, saying that I understand, that he is special to me and asking him to not throw away some of my things (I write a little list, just 3 stuff After that more NC until I found out he was going to the movies with ONE another person, and paying the tickets (wich he did with me ) and just call him on his cellphone and ask, calmly to give me back my things. We agreed to see each other and he give it back, and that time just pick up my stuffs, said thanks and goodbye and left... (I don't know If I should said anything...) I eliminated him from my friends in facebook, and he blocked me a couple of days (before he gave me my stuff), and the day before we saw each other he told my sister facebook via that it was official, and he says goodbye to her The last thing that happened was this friday, when he ask me to transfer to him some money that we were saving together, same money that he once told me that if we break up he wouldn't want it... I don't know if that last one was because the thankyou-goodbye thing... I don't know... Sooo, I tried to make him miss me, failed awfully, and now I think I made things worse. So, I want to heal myself, and do the NC to cure myself, buuuuut... I do want to do one thing first... I want to send him a little letter, in which I apologize for the thing go this far, that I now understand why we have to do the breakup, to tell him that I'm going to moving forward with my life (no love life, just my life), and that I wish we could reunite in the future... And then start strict NC to heal me. But I don't know for sure if is a good idea, is bad, if this allows to have the "door open" for the future or if it's useless... Please, help me, because I don't trust my judgment anymore
blotter Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 From a guy's perspective don't send the letter. At this point in the breakup I'm sure he could really care less about how your moving on with your life and what not.
BlazePT Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Hello, Mariana First of all, I'm really sorry for your loss. You've come to the right place, though . Ok, leaving the "door open" isn't going to accomplish anything, really. It will only set you up for disappointment. You don't really know whether he'll come back or not, but by the looks of it, i'm sorry to say this, but it's not likely; i'm not saying that it is impossible... but not likely for now. Either way, you have to concentrate on yourself for now. Sending the letter, from my point of view, will only be useful if you treat this as a final closure. I know that deep inside of you, you still have that feeling that he'll read the letter and realise that he's made a mistake, right...? You should send this letter with the goal of convincing yourself that you're really moving on; that this is really IT. Anyway, please keep reminding yourself of this: in order to attract other people into your life, with your ex maybe not being an exception to that, you HAVE to get yourself together FIRST. It's hard for you to be attractive when you still sound a bit needy. Right now, your ex knows that he has you on the money but you have to prove to yourself that you'll escape from that. I don't like to give false expectations, but the truth is... I've had LOTS of female friends who got dumped but started to gain their ex's attention again, as soon as they started to be attractive to other guys. Hey: it happened to me! My ex got dumped by another guy and as soon as he knew she was dating me, he was asking her for a second chance and saying that he was waiting for me to make a mistake so he could go for it! Please, I don't mean to give you false hope, but the moral here is that you really have to move on in order to become whole with yourself again. Stay No Contact for as long as it takes. If he calls, ignore it. Delete his e-mail address. Delete his number from your phone. You have to start detoxing. Casual dating will be fine, since you'll have the opportunity to show how kind you are to other people, but do NOT initiate a relationship for the next few months. You don't have to rush into dating, either. Start when you feel ready for it. It WON'T be EASY. I guarantee you that, but don't forget that you have this support group to vent whenever you need to. Hang in there Cheers! 4
Author Mariana345 Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 Thanks both of you Well, yeah, I wanted to remain in his head with more grace than the last day we saw each other... And a little less resentful, maybe? I just want to make sure that he doesn't see me as that drama queen girl, who has so much pride to give an apology, even when she had some issues, and a little that I would be fine moving on... But yeah, I think is not to make a closure but to remaind in his mind in a better way... uhm... I think that thats what I need to have the courage to start healing, to know that I place better in his mind so I can stay in my own business... so, I shouldn't send the letter?
df1304 Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 First, I am so sorry for your pain. But as others have said, you came to the right place! Thank you for sharing. If you have been civil to him the last few times you saw him, and acted maturely, then that is all he needs to remember you by. I understand and relate to you when you say that you want to make him remember you in a positive way with the letter and that it would help you move on.. but if I were you, I would not do it. He may not want to hear from you again, no matter what you say, and each time you contact him again it's like you're re-opening the wound for both of you. It isn't easy, it hurts and you might not want to let go.. but you need to delete him from all of your contact lists and even block him if you have to. It will be hard at first, but trust me, it will be easier to move on if you don't have to look at his name or see his face again. Like I said, try not to contact him again! But if you really feel like you have to send him a letter to try and move on.. maybe you should do that thing some people do where you write a letter when you're upset with someone, but don't send it.. then wait ten days and see if you're still angry. If you still feel like you have to send the letter in ten days, then go ahead.. but if you don't, well, save the letter for yourself as a reminder of how hard it can be to move on in future relationships.. but still possible! I wish you the best. Take care!
Author Mariana345 Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 Thank you for your advise... the thing is that I don't know If I acted maturely... As I contated him, and ask for my stuff, and when I saw him, I acted coldy enough to just say hello, thanks, goodbye :/ The worst thing is that obviously I want him back... and I tried NC to make him miss me... The other thing is that, the last day we saw each other I got the feeling that he thought that I wanted to talk to him and made the "give me my stuff" an excuse, but I didn't talk at all and he looked a little disappointed, but I don't know why since the day before he write to my sister to say "now its official, I just wanted to say goodbye, but if you need me contact me" and stuff... So, thats why I didn't said anything that the last day wanted to say. So, yeah, I wanted the letter to become my last chance to give a better impresion, but as you say, I don't really know if is a good idea, for my motive to do so...
favoritepills Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I think your silence is the best impression you could leave for him. A letter's only going to make you look worse, especially since the emotions are still so raw. The technique mentioned earlier helped for me: write everything you feel into a letter, then either shred it or hide it for at least 10 days. When you read it again after that time has passed, you'll be glad you didn't send it. Good luck! 1
Samilia Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Thank you for your advise... the thing is that I don't know If I acted maturely... As I contated him, and ask for my stuff, and when I saw him, I acted coldy enough to just say hello, thanks, goodbye :/ 1- I wouldn't send the letter. It's going to be obvious why you're sending it, to get him back. I don't buy the need to leave a better impression, he won't either. -2 You acted mature enough to me. What did you want to do? You weren't going to give him a cheer like everything was good and fuzzy. You say hello, took your stuff, and left. That's what you were supposed to do. You're doing good, keep up with the NC, and move on, you'll find someone else, who likes you, wants to be with you, don't worry! 2
Author Mariana345 Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 Thank you all!! You are right! If I send the letter It will be obvious with what purpose it will be... So, I won't. I stay still with NC, and I'm moving on. It would be a lie if I tell that I don't want him back anymore, I still have a very little hope, but for now it's better for me to close that door, and look for the life that I had lost... I will apreciate you keep replying, since I'm so unestable, and reading what you have to say to me gives me some peace
Samilia Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Thank you all!! You are right! If I send the letter It will be obvious with what purpose it will be... So, I won't. I stay still with NC, and I'm moving on. It would be a lie if I tell that I don't want him back anymore, I still have a very little hope, but for now it's better for me to close that door, and look for the life that I had lost... I will apreciate you keep replying, since I'm so unestable, and reading what you have to say to me gives me some peace Don't feel bad, you can be honest here, we will listen to the ugly truth. We know you want him back and we know the letter is just a pretext. But we're also here to have your back, so I'm glad you chose to keep your pride intact 2
BlazePT Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Don't feel bad, you can be honest here, we will listen to the ugly truth. We know you want him back and we know the letter is just a pretext. But we're also here to have your back, so I'm glad you chose to keep your pride intact Amen to that.
CopingGal Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 No more contact. No more leaving the door open. Seriously. You don't need that. Close that door and just start your life again. I left the door open several times and it was a terrible mistake. This last time, not only did I close the door, I changed the locks...heck, I moved and left no forwarding address! 3
Author Mariana345 Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 Yeah, thank you... I'm trying. But still when I sleep I kind of dream with him (sometimes with his "friend") or when I wake up, instantly, my mind goes to "he left me, he doesn't love me anymore, I'm alone" that kind of things... And sometimes I just want him back to make him pay... I'm not okay yet
Samilia Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Yeah, thank you... I'm trying. But still when I sleep I kind of dream with him (sometimes with his "friend") or when I wake up, instantly, my mind goes to "he left me, he doesn't love me anymore, I'm alone" that kind of things... And sometimes I just want him back to make him pay... I'm not okay yet He left you, but you're not alone. You feel lonely, it's different hun The dreams are normal.. it will pass.. eventually you will dream about your new guy, who will make you happy 1
Author Mariana345 Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 The good thing is that I'm soooo scared to see If my ex is happy without me, or if he has someone "official" to replace me, that I'm restrained myself from looking at his facebook or email accounts... I'm in denial, I still want to think that he will come back, that he still loves me and soon enough he will regret this... But I'm not so sure about this, But so scared to think otherwise...
StarlaStardust Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 The good thing is that I'm soooo scared to see If my ex is happy without me, or if he has someone "official" to replace me, that I'm restrained myself from looking at his facebook or email accounts... I'm in denial, I still want to think that he will come back, that he still loves me and soon enough he will regret this... But I'm not so sure about this, But so scared to think otherwise... I feel the same way. Maybe we could flip this thought in our head. This soundtrack that's playing, after all, could be holding us back from moving on. So how about: "I am good enough to come back to (even if he doesn't). I'm loveable and anyone who leaves me will certainly regret it down the line if they leave, even if they never act on it." ? 1
Samilia Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 The good thing is that I'm soooo scared to see If my ex is happy without me, or if he has someone "official" to replace me, that I'm restrained myself from looking at his facebook or email accounts... I'm in denial, I still want to think that he will come back, that he still loves me and soon enough he will regret this... But I'm not so sure about this, But so scared to think otherwise... Aye, he's happy, he won't be back, and he's not regretting it. That's why you need to get back on the horse and be happy too.. don't waste time! And beside, even IF he was to wake up one day and realize he made a big mistake.. which I don't believe.. but let's imagine so... you want to be at your best, not red eyed with pockets under you eyes saying "I haven't slept a day since you left". 1
Author Mariana345 Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Yeah!! hope is not so great in this circumstances :/ In fact, I'm a little relieved, that I can plan my life without thinking in anyone else... I can go wherever I want, whenever I want to, not consider others opinion I'm free
BlazePT Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Yeah!! hope is not so great in this circumstances :/ In fact, I'm a little relieved, that I can plan my life without thinking in anyone else... I can go wherever I want, whenever I want to, not consider others opinion I'm free You can't just say it, mariana. You have to put it into practice! And you have to stop knowing of what he's been up to. Trust me, it will make things easier. Hang in there, you're doing fine. 1
Author Mariana345 Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 You can't just say it, mariana. You have to put it into practice! And you have to stop knowing of what he's been up to. Trust me, it will make things easier. Hang in there, you're doing fine. Yes, thank you Since I enter here and post and read all your responses I feel better. I think that I needed someone who knows what is this about. I love my friends and they have been such a good company, but the don't get my pain the way you in LoveShack do... thank you to bring me sanity And well, I'm just considering my options, I want to leave my country, study abroad, change my environment and met new people... But that will take some time, but I'm moving to that I hope I can surpass this quickly (but for good)
Samilia Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Yes, thank you Since I enter here and post and read all your responses I feel better. I think that I needed someone who knows what is this about. I love my friends and they have been such a good company, but the don't get my pain the way you in LoveShack do... thank you to bring me sanity And well, I'm just considering my options, I want to leave my country, study abroad, change my environment and met new people... But that will take some time, but I'm moving to that I hope I can surpass this quickly (but for good) Aye, I was walking my dog tonight and it hit me that I can now date any (better) guy I want. Not that I can have anybody I want *silly* But it' s now up to me to find better. And the same applies to you! 1
BlazePT Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Aye, I was walking my dog tonight and it hit me that I can now date any (better) guy I want. Not that I can have anybody I want *silly* But it' s now up to me to find better. And the same applies to you! Indeed. Many people don't realise this, but one of the best things that come after the breakup is the fact that now you have the chance to meet someone better. I'm still raw at this, but I realise that my ex didn't satisfy me in many ways, and sometimes I wondered if this was really what I wanted in life. Well, now I don't have to worry about it All people should see it like this, but it is hard (for me as well, still... ), since all the emotions, fears, anxiety and other things are still darn raw. 1
Samilia Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Indeed. Many people don't realise this, but one of the best things that come after the breakup is the fact that now you have the chance to meet someone better. I'm still raw at this, but I realise that my ex didn't satisfy me in many ways, and sometimes I wondered if this was really what I wanted in life. Well, now I don't have to worry about it All people should see it like this, but it is hard (for me as well, still... ), since all the emotions, fears, anxiety and other things are still darn raw. Pssh one of the things that I have put up with in my life is bad sex. You know the guy who thinks he's so great in bed.. and really isn't... but life and relationships aren't all about sex, so you feel ungrateful complaining about it and concentrate on something else about him... And he breaks up.. and then you think .. *why the hell did I put myself through that" lol So, break up? Definitively a chance at finding a better partner.
BlazePT Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Pssh one of the things that I have put up with in my life is bad sex. You know the guy who thinks he's so great in bed.. and really isn't... but life and relationships aren't all about sex, so you feel ungrateful complaining about it and concentrate on something else about him... And he breaks up.. and then you think .. *why the hell did I put myself through that" lol So, break up? Definitively a chance at finding a better partner. LOL I didn't want to get into details, but now that you mention it, one of my MAJOR concerns was the fact that my ex had lost much of her sexual appetite . I many times thought to myself "How the hell is this going to end up? I can't cheat on her... I'm not that type... Oh well, guess I'll just have to live with it and hope that she'll change someday." Ok, not anymore
Samilia Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 LOL I didn't want to get into details, but now that you mention it, one of my MAJOR concerns was the fact that my ex had lost much of her sexual appetite . I many times thought to myself "How the hell is this going to end up? I can't cheat on her... I'm not that type... Oh well, guess I'll just have to live with it and hope that she'll change someday." Ok, not anymore Oh I have already decided, if the sex isn't there, I'm not staying. I am sooo done with bad sex or no sex.. and to think that he was younger than me.. He was very much so into porn though, that should have been a red flag. One would think that someone attracted to pornography has a high sex drive, but it was the other way around, all his libido was spent online or watching pictures.
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