Boyfriend of two years went gay, hooked up with my friends, left me in the dirt.

[ephrampage]

Alright, hello people of this lovely forum-

I am a 21 year old chick currently struggling to keep my head above the water that suddenly surrounds me.

 

I guess I’ll try and stay as concise as possible…I just am at a complete loss, feel vulnerable, hurt and alone, looking for perspectives, advice and comfort.

H and I had been in a two year relationship. We both attend the same college, double majoring in the same areas, started a band together and work at the same radio station. We were best friends for several months before decided to take it to the next level. You could say it felt like a dream- being in a crazy, artsy relationship with a dude you play music with, someone who tells you they find this relationship to be the "best they ever had", that they want to be in it for the long haul...all the romantic BS.

 

I have to be honest with myself as I type this, but things really started falling apart after the seven month mark during the summer of 2011—a good friend of ours that H lived with committed suicide and H never really recovered. He started asking for weeks of “space” where he wouldn’t contact me, and when he did he would send really short texts and barely say anything at all. Then the fights started—he began to get extremely angry, throwing things and storming off, not answering phone calls, text messages, knowing that I absolutely CANNOT stand these long periods of space where I’m just left in the dark. I began suffering from severe anxiety, which led into the school year…

 

H broke up with me in the November of 2011, saying he “couldn’t do it”, that he “didn’t feel right”, giving me once again short, aloof answers that made no sense…I felt like I at least deserved an explanation, as once again, same band, same radio station, same classes. I received nothing… after a month of hell and awkwardness, we get back together a month later. Things go well for a while until he starts going bonkers in March. He once again asks for a “week of space”, assuring me we will try and work things out, only to once again dump me, but this time with even more obscure answers- when I asked him why, he just sat in silence for several minutes before getting up and leaving.

 

It only gets worse, my friends—two weeks later he contacts me crying, and tells me he slept with my close friend as well as his ex and begs me to take him back. Being the stupid romantic sap I am, I did…let him take my virginity an with that…things absolutely downward spiraled. He began getting physical with me, and the fights became explosive- if I ever asked for slightly more together time than he wanted, or if I ever got upset about something he believed I should have been okay with, fights happened. He started shoving me, pushed me to the floor a couple times and still denies these instances, claiming they were “accidents”. To this day mostly no one (I mean mutual friends) believe me or care, and I really hate that. He would leave me sobbing my eyes out midfight, withholding affection for days at a time. In retrospect I realize this was when he stopped calling, texting or coming over without me contacting him first and basically requesting his presence. This was also when he started looking at his watch whenever he fought, and saying in a snide voice, "Eli, I am x minutes late to ____ because of this fight" and make me feel like crap about it. This was when he told I couldn't go to certain places on campus on certain days so he could have his "space" and when he started pinpointing every mishap and mistake I made.

 

I moved to his hometown for the summer (the gravest mistake), thinking everything would work out. How wrong I was—two weeks ago, he came over, unable to look me in the eye, and told me he’s gay. I couldn’t believe it, and I didn’t want to. In fact, I couldn’t believe it because, surprise surprise, right after this conversation he slept with me, said we’d be able to work it out, and left me sobbing and up all night scared. He continuously slept with me that week, but began to withdraw emotionally until once again, the infamous “space week”—he said after this week that we’d be able to “work it out”…

 

It was in this week that I found in addition to sleeping with those two girls, he ALSO slept with another of my closest friends. It was in this week I found out he was questioning his sexuality as he entered the relationship with me. A week later, he comes over without any warning, looks me in the eye and says he never loved me, that this relationship never meant much to him and that he hooked up with a guy in the week he took off. That when he said “work it out” he meant as friends. I threw his clothes in his face, told him to leave, and that was it.

 

He apparently has a boyfriend now, approximately one week after leaving me in the dust. Really makes you feel good about yourself, huh?

 

As you can probably tell by the way I wrote this, I’m realizing this guy was an absolute jerk and idiot. The only thing that’s worse than being dishonest with your partner is being dishonest with yourself, and he couldn’t face his own identity and used to me to cover the truth until he couldn’t do it anymore, and I’m the one left nursing a broken heart. As angry as I am, I still love him so much and it kills me…all I can remember are the good memories we have, playing music, hiking, travelling, being stupid and drunk together, writing poetry and just being a great couple, although I’m not sure we ever were now. He took my virginity knowing he was questioning his identity, took me back twice…it just doesn’t feel real. It’s like the person who was my best friend completely disappeared, replaced with a defensive, stubborn, weak-minded individual I never want to speak with again, but it tears me apart.

 

I guess I’ll stop and if anyone has questions I will answer them… I know I sound really pissed but simultaneously I’m just…so depressed, so scared for my future- my band, my radio station…he turned my housemates from last year against me, they won’t even talk to me…I have no idea what he told them or other people but I despise that he’s making himself the victim…I don’t WANT to see him everywhere, I don’t want to see his shiny new boyfriend, I just want to be happy and at peace... I'm scared I'll never find anyone, my parents are going through an awful divorce and my life is just generally unstable right now so...I feel really unanchored and alone :/

 

If anyone went through something similar, has words of wisdom or just a bat to hit me over the head for ever getting involved with this guy, let me know…thanks everyone.

Edited June 30, 2012 by ephrampage

[dixiepix]

Good Heavens girl, find yourself a Bible and find Jesus! He will never forsake you. As for the ex, I would go where ever I deemed fit and laugh when I saw him. Oh and I would start exercising daily to increase endorphin levels and self confidence. As for your ex, he has too many issues to even start to fix... but you reap what you sow. And I would not want to be him.

[ephrampage]

Good Heavens girl, find yourself a Bible and find Jesus! He will never forsake you. As for the ex, I would go where ever I deemed fit and laugh when I saw him. Oh and I would start exercising daily to increase endorphin levels and self confidence. As for your ex, he has too many issues to even start to fix... but you reap what you sow. And I would not want to be him.

 

I wouldn't want to be him either, but I can't help but miss this guy even though he's...so messed up.

 

I keep dreaming about him and I just want this guy out of my head, I mean...I wasn't even into him at the beginning! He kind of pressured me into being with him and pushed for it so hard...so much for that, right? Begs me to be with him, then leaves...I feel so used, disgusting and vulnerable :/

[shayla]

Whew boy, this young man is confused, has issues, bump issues...he has subscriptions!

 

It sucks that you were dragged into his indecision about his sexual orientation, but you know what, no matter what he prefers he should have treated you better than he did.

 

A long time ago I had a boyfriend that I loved dearly. After we'd been together for a couple of years he came to me crying. He blurted out to me that he was gay and that he couldn't continue our relationship any more. Oh God I was so hurt! But I knew that he loved me and he was as honest with me as he could be (since he was confused too).

 

Just because he is going through something, he doesn't have to be a prick to you, and his behavior sucks. Be glad that you are rid of him.