2ndConfusedfemale Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 I'm sorry about to say this, and I'm not intentionally trying to offend you Naive, BUT I think that you were doing what was in your best interest for letting him go. You were being selfish when you started the affair, and now that you feel guilty about it you are trying to absolve your own guilt be letting him go...So, now you are trying to absolve the damage you could have possibly caused, by saying that it was for the best for all involved. I do think that you can choose to be or not be with whomever you wish. But you could've made the decision to not be with him BEFORE he left his wife, and caused a lot less damage. And now that you felt ashamed you had to let him go to feel better about yourself. Most of this is about your own feelings, and not his about his daughter. I think that maybe you are scared to take the responsibility that comes along with a full relationship which is why it was okay to be with him while he was unavailable. But his being free scared you to death and now you are running from it. I do hope that I am wrong (and I'm not trying to be judgemental), but it just seems like you have a problem with accepting responsibility and making choices. Yes, you did choose to end it, but the timing and your justifications were not really your choice to make. It should've been HIS decision to do what is best for his daughter, and your decision to do what's best for YOU (which you are kinda doing but you are saying that you are doing it for others to make yourself feel like you are doing them a favor). If you really didn't want to be with him then you should've just said that instead of dressing it up as you're trying to do "what's best" for all parties involved.
Love2BLoved Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 Originally posted by 2ndConfusedfemale I'm sorry about to say this, and I'm not intentionally trying to offend you Naive, BUT I think that you were doing what was in your best interest for letting him go. You were being selfish when you started the affair, and now that you feel guilty about it you are trying to absolve your own guilt be letting him go...So, now you are trying to absolve the damage you could have possibly caused, by saying that it was for the best for all involved. I do think that you can choose to be or not be with whomever you wish. But you could've made the decision to not be with him BEFORE he left his wife, and caused a lot less damage. And now that you felt ashamed you had to let him go to feel better about yourself. Most of this is about your own feelings, and not his about his daughter. I think that maybe you are scared to take the responsibility that comes along with a full relationship which is why it was okay to be with him while he was unavailable. But his being free scared you to death and now you are running from it. I do hope that I am wrong (and I'm not trying to be judgemental), but it just seems like you have a problem with accepting responsibility and making choices. Yes, you did choose to end it, but the timing and your justifications were not really your choice to make. It should've been HIS decision to do what is best for his daughter, and your decision to do what's best for YOU (which you are kinda doing but you are saying that you are doing it for others to make yourself feel like you are doing them a favor). If you really didn't want to be with him then you should've just said that instead of dressing it up as you're trying to do "what's best" for all parties involved. Wow you seem to know exactly what she was thinking!!! Atleast she did the right thing, most women don't even do that!
Author Naive Posted November 5, 2004 Author Posted November 5, 2004 Originally posted by 2ndConfusedfemale I'm sorry about to say this, and I'm not intentionally trying to offend you Naive, Don't Apologize, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. BUT I think that you were doing what was in your best interest for letting him go. You were being selfish when you started the affair, and now that you feel guilty about it you are trying to absolve your own guilt be letting him go...So, now you are trying to absolve the damage you could have possibly caused, by saying that it was for the best for all involved. If I would have done what was for my best interest I would have said, "to h3ll with his wife and his daughter". I loved this man, that's why I did what I did. I knew that his relationship with his daughter would be jeopardized, unfortunately, it took all this for me to realize it, but it's better late than never, right? I do think that you can choose to be or not be with whomever you wish. But you could've made the decision to not be with him BEFORE he left his wife, and caused a lot less damage. And now that you felt ashamed you had to let him go to feel better about yourself. Most of this is about your own feelings, and not his about his daughter. The damage was there. I know what my faults were. I only did it after he left his wife because that's when I realized how bad things could get. I never felt ashamed because love will never be a shame for me! Of course it had to do with my feelings. If I had no feelings I would have stayed. It was definitely about his daughter. When you love someone, you love everything that comes with them and that included his daughter. I think I am a person with good feelings and I would never hurt a child purposely for my own benefit! I think that maybe you are scared to take the responsibility that comes along with a full relationship which is why it was okay to be with him while he was unavailable.But his being free scared you to death and now you are running from it. Wrong. It would have made me the happiest girl if there would not have been a child involved. I do hope that I am wrong (and I'm not trying to be judgemental), but it just seems like you have a problem with accepting responsibility and making choices. Once again wrong. Because I accepted my responsibility I left. I was partly responsible for our affair so I was partly responsible in fixing what we broke. Yes, you did choose to end it, but the timing and your justifications were not really your choice to make. Of course it was. I am in charge of my own person. If I did wrong I am in charge of doing right! It should've been HIS decision to do what is best for his daughter, and your decision to do what's best for YOU (which you are kinda doing but you are saying that you are doing it for others to make yourself feel like you are doing them a favor). He did do what was right for her. I am did do it for his daughter but also for myself.................. and for him. If you really didn't want to be with him then you should've just said that instead of dressing it up as you're trying to do "what's best" for all parties involved. In my heart of hearts I wanted to be with him and I still do but it's too late I never intended to make it seem like I was a big saint and I was looking out for everybody but myself, it's not even like that!!! I am the only one that knows how much it pained me to walk away!!! Only I know my pain.
Concubine Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Hey KITTEN... I'm kinda in the same situation as u. Thus, i've been looking for someone to talk to, who is in the same boat. Been looking for awhile for someone to relate to. Sometimes i think it's easier to understand people in the same situation as ourselves. Hope to hear from u soon....
Sami_D Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 I'm sorry about to say this, and I'm not intentionally trying to offend you Naive, BUT I think that you were doing what was in your best interest for letting him go. You were being selfish when you started the affair, and now that you feel guilty about it you are trying to absolve your own guilt be letting him go...So, now you are trying to absolve the damage you could have possibly caused, by saying that it was for the best for all involved. I do think that you can choose to be or not be with whomever you wish. But you could've made the decision to not be with him BEFORE he left his wife, and caused a lot less damage. And now that you felt ashamed you had to let him go to feel better about yourself. Most of this is about your own feelings, and not his about his daughter. Well, that's just what I was thinking. I'm wondering how it all 'ended', since the story is a year old now. To concubine: Welcome to the OW forum. You seem to have noticed that most of the people posting in this forum are either not OW, or were OW and now regret it in some way, so the advice isn't really from the 'inside' as such. Myself, I'm an OW who has gone NC (No Contact) with a MM. We're hoping never to go back to the affair situation. So I'm not really in it either, but I can empathise and try to understand your situation if you want to talk.
tinktronik Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Wow..I for one really appriciated this post.I was the wife of a consumate cheater.I played all of the ignoring it games so many wives do.I had the arguments and got the late night phone calls from the multiple OW's( who by the way dident know about each other)only knew he was married "but seperating" -wish he'd let me know.My ex-hubby did play the games well,hiding it and when confronted deciding he was "going to tell me" eventually I guess and he wanted to seperate.He always seemed to want to seperate just long enough to have a great weekend of sex ,or a motel room stay maybe a few weeks.And yes we have children 3 of them.I eventually did get out of the relationship with this man ,he was cheating again ,he has since married this woman ,who dosent even know we were together and married working it out durring most of their non married life.He obviously couldent marry her while we were still married.I have not ever told her that we were married then or that we were together.His wife calls me and confesses their problems and I try to give good advice.She seems to be a nice young woman. However, every year when my children have to make the trip to the other parent back and forth ,you can see a look of sadness children shouldent know.They are the ones who suffer our mistakes.And I wonder "If only their father and I had been responsible , commited to the life and children as we should have been ,and made choices for our family instead of ourselves " simply pocketed our own self importance " and seen what was really important. Would my children know this sadness? So I commend you , you did make the right choice,I hope you find a relationship that deserves your strength.
OldEurope Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Naive, you told a man who went through the excruciating pain of divorcing his wife, with a one year old daughter, to be with you that...it was all, in the end, "a fling" for you? That is the height of shallow. If you had such a conscience (removing the fact that you got involved and stayed involved up until your moral epiphany), you could have told him in a very grown-up manner exactly your feelings of remorse and that the child issue was too heavy a guilt burden. And then changed all your numbers. Now a man is probably completely destroyed and totally untrusting of women. That is why there are posters such as Woggle, with good reason. You LIED to him by telling him he was but an adventure for you, and did so for the highly selfish reason of a quick, final way out. You got huge cold feet and a sudden awareness of your own immaturity. Your "love" and respect for this man would never allow such hideous brutality.
Hot Coco Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Yeah, I didn't say anything but I didn't buy it either.
Sami_D Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Now a man is probably completely destroyed and totally untrusting of women. That is why there are posters such as Woggle, with good reason. You LIED to him by telling him he was but an adventure for you, and did so for the highly selfish reason of a quick, final way out. As I said in my earlier post, this is case of someone acting selfishly and dressing it up as something else. I'm not going to condemn the OP for her actions, because we all make mistakes, and some of them are horrendous and really hurt other people. But I think she should stop rationalising, and certainly STOP moralising against other OW based on her own story. Regarding the MM caught up in this whole story. Well, he made his decision, and hopefully he'll grow and realise that not all women are the same. I really hope that's the case... hey, men aren't such weak creatures that they can't crawl out of bad situations. As women, we're always having to forge ahead and believe that not all men are ********. I just hope he doesn't live his entire life with this bad experience the ONLY marker to human relationships that he has.
OldEurope Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 I agree totally with you SD....this was all "dressed up"...and one HOPES that he can recover from such a situation (just as one hopes for women treated poorly, as you mention). Normally I try to let the "annoying" posts go and stick to where I might be more productive, but the whole thread/post just had something very off-base about it that could not be ignored......
Hot Coco Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 I agree totally with you SD....this was all "dressed up"...and one HOPES that he can recover from such a situation (just as one hopes for women treated poorly, as you mention). Normally I try to let the "annoying" posts go and stick to where I might be more productive, but the whole thread/post just had something very off-base about it that could not be ignored...... I'm with you on most of what you said. The only thing I'm not with you on is the fact that twice now, you've mentioned the MM. Who really cares about him? When you play with fire you get burned. Call it karma. I think he deserved it myself. I don't happen to agree that the OP did such a horrible thing. I just don't think she's been honest about WHY she did it. Some of us can smell BS a mile away...and I DID smell it here.
Rodeogirl Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 is mr spock a girl or a guy?? just curious.
Author Naive Posted October 30, 2005 Author Posted October 30, 2005 It's been way more than a year now since all of this happened and many things have definitely changed! Those of you who have been on LoveShack for a long time know almost everything that has gone on in my life since then, for those who don't, I will feel you in. A mutual friend told me MM went back with his wife after 2 weeks or so after I left him. He did not try to contact me for a long time. I saw him at a party once and it was weird, as if we had never met before. After that he tried to contact me and I kept ignoring his calls. Once he called me and said he wanted to see me. He would try to reach me at work because he knew I could not avoid him there. Eventually he got the picture. My stepmom told me he got caught cheating on his wife with a neighbor of his mom's 6-7 months ago:rolleyes: I have since realized many things. I now see my mistakes and the good things I did. I don't think he was suffering as I thought he was...if he would have suffered then he would have not cheated again. IDK I might be wrong... I don't think I did wrong back then because at that time I thought that was the only way to get him to leave me and not feel bad about leaving me and going back to his daughter, hmph, was I wrong! I never posted anything to try to dress it up as good, that's plain stupid! What is the point? No one knows me here, the whole point of this forum is to be able to be yourself and get things out that you normally could not get out in the real world. If I would need to dress things up then there would be no point in posting because I would not really be getting any feedback on MY experience but a make-believe one. When we finished what we had, I was really hurt. Only I know what I went through. Maybe not everyone would handle it the same way, so what? I am not perfect! All I know is that I did right in my eyes. I did not do it because I was scared, I did not do it because I did not love him. I did it because I felt bad to see him suffer (or at least that's what I thought) and not be near his daughter. I did it without any selfishness or at least not in MY heart and thoughts. I thought he really loved me, who knows. All I know is that I really cared for him and it took a lot for me to get over him. I am glad I did it because now I more happy. I did not realize how much I was suffering back then until now. I am now engaged to someone who is only MY man. I don't suffer with the thoughts of hurting someone. So many things have changed and for the best.
Hot Coco Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 Wow, naive, that's great! Well, maybe I was wrong but it doesn't matter now. You did the right thing and your happy now. XMM sounds like such a loser. Hope you got a good one now!
Sloppy Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 He cheated again?! And out of love for the neighbour I bet:mad: Dang, see how lucky you are to be out of that BS?! Is the W still with him? I feel for her, she need to grow some (um, can't grow balls, should I say boobs? ) That's great that you are engadged (sp?)! Congrats! - Slop
Sami_D Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 He went back to his wife a few weeks after you dumped him, and then a few months after that was caught cheating with someone else? I wonder where he is now? Sounds like you were right to get him out of your life. That doesn't alter the fact that you acted in your own self-interest all along. Nothing wrong with that, it's healthy. But the tone of your OP was that you were acting with everyone else in mind, and suggesting that OW should do something you didn't do - think of other people and put your own feelings to one side. That's hypocritical, isn't it? But this post was made a year ago. I'm honestly glad for you that he's out of your life and that you're engaged and looking forward to happiness with a new man
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