Would you dump someone for faking a part of your relationship?

[kaylan]

A current thread regarding a particular fake part of a relationship inspired this thread.

 

So Ive always said a lasting, happy, fulfilling relationship required a physical, emotional, and mental connection. The physical is obviously a good sex life with good chemistry. The emotional part is the capacity to love and be in love with your partner. And the mental aspect is the way in which your minds and personalities click. For me I need a "deep" chick whos intellectual and thinks about all there is in the world.

 

All these parts are very equally important in my view and no relationship would be truly fulfilliing in the long run if I was missing either part. Yet it seems some folks here get butt hurt whenever people dare care a lot about the physical part of a relationship. They are deemed shallow and are expected to settle on that part of their relationship needs. Why settle when its possible to find all 3 parts in one person? Some people here say how important getting along and loving one another is, but like I said, those parts are equal to the physical. A relationship feels like its missing something if either piece is missing.

 

So lets say youve been dating someone for a while and then you find out they faked either one of the parts. Either they faked their enjoyment of the sex, or they claimed to be in love yet never were, or they pretended to understand you and like the things you did but actually have different interests or values. Would you stay with this person? And also, would you settle and fake a portion of your relationship while keeping your partner in the dark?

 

I for one will never settle on any of those important things. Sure someone will say "we all settle"....but in trully happy and fulfilling relationships, you settle on small things that dont greatly impact a relationship. A lack of physical, mental, or emotional connection greatly impacts a relationship and Im not going to live a lie or make someone else live a lie because I was too scared to remain single.

[xpaperxcutx]

I'm noticing a trend that you place way too much expectations on a person. Its not settling if you compromise.

Also I learnes there really is no perfect person for me. I don't cate much for minor flaws ad much as complete disregard for my feelings. That's what I learned from dating.

[ThaWholigan]

Meh, people's realities are often different, usually what they make it in my opinion. As such, the idea of settling doesn't hold such horrors for them as it possibly would for others. To me, settling wouldn't be "horrible" but it would be the easy option and not one that would be beneficial in the long run for one's overall happiness - well at least not me anyway. I am quite fine being alone if that's the case. I have done so well enough for this long.

 

Would I dump someone for faking part of the relationship? Depends what part. Physically, if there was a sexual problem, then I could attempt to alleviate that at first. If she's not attracted to me though, it would be difficult for me to stay in that relationship, whether she is "content" or not. Mentally, there isn't a lot that really phases me. Sometimes the difference can be attractive, but as long as she doesn't have an overall downbeat mindset or is overly emotional to the point of pure unadulterated stress. I would like some who's emotional cycle I could easily adapt to without having to be a rock ALL THE TIME. .

 

I don't think less of a person who settles though - as long as they are 100% comfortable with the idea. Problem is, a lot of people aren't, and along the line, they break the other persons heart because they couldn't settle for long. I won't settle. And I don't think I would date someone who "settled" for me.

[kaylan]

I'm noticing a trend that you place way too much expectations on a person. Its not settling if you compromise.

Also I learnes there really is no perfect person for me. I don't cate much for minor flaws ad much as complete disregard for my feelings. That's what I learned from dating.

No offense...but where did compromise get you in your past relationships?(esp your most recent one)

 

And since when is wanting a healthy sex life, real love, and an intellectual connection, too much to have in a partner? Thats high expectation? Wow, if so I feel sorry for you people who are happy with settling. Its one thing to compromise on something small. Its another thing to settle and not go after what you know makes you happy.

 

For me all I want is a girl who can love me, have good sex with me, and just click with me on my humor and intellect. Thats rather simple. I feel really sorry for those of you who think its some big impossibility to find such a person.

 

If you read my post thoroughly, youd see I said minor flaws arent an issue. Not being able to click mentally, emotionally, or physically is more than a minor flaw isnt it? But a girl I click with in those areas wont have a disregard for my feelings will she?

Edited June 30, 2012 by kaylan

[irin]

i fail to see how one can fake a part of an relationship, unless they pretend to be interested in something to please the other, but they might actually take an interest in what their partner likes and genuinely become interested in it themselves. otherwise faking something or living in pretend can be terribly exhausting, and no fun.

 

as for the faking enjoying sex goes, most of the time for women its not physical, a ridiculous % of arousal is mental for women rather then pokes and strokes, (excuse my crudeness). they might just be givers rather then (lazy, dishonest, or lack physical attraction to their partners). sometimes faking the O is a selfless act.

[kaylan]

i fail to see how one can fake a part of an relationship, unless they pretend to be interested in something to please the other, but they might actually take an interest in what their partner likes and genuinely become interested in it themselves. otherwise faking something or living in pretend can be terribly exhausting, and no fun.

But people do fake relationships. It happens all the time and some even talk about it here.

 

Youve never seen the threads or known a person whos with someone thats in love with them, but they never loved them back and know they never will? I can find several of those threads right now. These people would rather string someone along even though they know they were never or arent in love anymore. Thats faking an emotional connection.

 

Then you have those people who when you first get to know them, pretend to be someone they arent. Then later you find out their values, goals, personality, intellect, etc...may all be different. They fake a mental connection with you before you figure things out.

 

This is all, sadly, rather common.

as for the faking enjoying sex goes, most of the time for women its not physical, a ridiculous % of arousal is mental for women rather then pokes and strokes, (excuse my crudeness). they might just be givers rather then (lazy, dishonest, or lack physical attraction to their partners). sometimes faking the O is a selfless act.

Sex isnt just about orgasm. There are people out there (mostly women it seems imo) who fake their entire attraction and enjoyment of sex with their partners. There are numerous threads here of women and men talking about not being attracted to their partner, but stringing them along selfishly because they dont wanna be alone. I dont think any partner would want to date someone who truly found them unattractive and settled on them because a lack of a better mate.

 

And its not like many men dont have high %s of their arousal coming from the mental aspect of things. And its not like there arent many women who are definitely into the pokes and strokes...because college definitely taught me quite a few girls are.

 

And regarding faked orgasms...thats hardly selfless. Its a supremely selfish act in my opinion. I just dont think any lying is good when it comes to love, sex, or mental connection. Just say "I dont think im gonna finish tonight honey" and let that be that. Ive said it before, and my exes have said it to me as well. No biggie. Open communication and honesty beats all else.

Edited June 30, 2012 by kaylan

[irin]

^^

 

that is just stupid, if some chooses to fake through life then they are just DUMB.

 

so yes i would dump a person who fakes a relationship. i still cant see how someone would put so much effort into faking things. life is no fun if lived in pretence.

[Leigh 87]

Why would you fake anything? I value being honest about any shorttcomings. And would find it off putting, for a person to want to settle, when an important need of their was not being met, and they still wanted to settle?

 

Surprisingly, this happens a lot; my bf was with friends last night, and noticed the girls and their bfs were not that close, arguing in front of people, and generally did not look like they had any where near as much fun as we do together, constantly. It sounded like they were together because of many years of history; not because they had found their idal mate.

 

Does this mean, two people who think they meet each others needs ( sexuall, inellectual, emotional), when one of them is actually faking one of those aspects, just to keep the relatonship?

I would feel very sad if a person I loved or was really into, was acting and lying.

Moreover - it is always better to be single and happy, than to settle for that rare combination of finding a mate with EVERYTHING you need.

Although, you need to be weary of being TOO fussy, such as needing a girl to look a certain way if the standards are WAY high, as well as be a braniac that is your soul mate.

 

Lastly - I understand settling for a girl who is great for you, but is a 6/10 rather than the 8's you normally dig. That could sworl if your still attracted to her physically.... THere is a difference between that, and settling for a person who cannot fulfill you in a fundamantal way.

[RedRobin]

Kaylan,

 

The rantings you are describing tend to come from those who need to do the 'slash-and-burn' when they break up with someone. For those kind of people, they need to say mean shyte like that so they can disconnect emotionally and move on. They can't go on and wish the other person a good life. They need to destroy everything that was good. I've never understood those people, but I've encountered a couple. I just shake my head and say "yea, sure."

 

But back to your topic... Most people don't make up huge portions of their life.

 

Besides, at some point, it becomes quite easy to tell when someone isn't being 100% truthful.

 

Heck, I break up with men who try to multi-date me... to me that is a bigger 'lie' and waste of my time than a man who fakes or has faked an orgasm with me.

 

Anyway, people place value on different things.

 

Just because something is soooper important to you doesn't mean it will be that important to your partner.

 

Just because someone tries to accomodate your needs without raising a big fuss about it, doesn't make them a faker or a liar. Were they necessarily that into it? Who knows? I'll leave it up to them to strike the balance and I'll do the same with them.

[RedRobin]

Although, you need to be wary of being TOO fussy, such as needing a girl to look a certain way if the standards are WAY high, as well as be a braniac that is your soul mate.

 

yep... there are lots of ways to be a commitment-phobe.

[kaylan]

Lastly - I understand settling for a girl who is great for you, but is a 6/10 rather than the 8's you normally dig. That could sworl if your still attracted to her physically.... THere is a difference between that, and settling for a person who cannot fulfill you in a fundamantal way.

And thats always been my point with people who settle. I wont settle on someone who cant fulfill me in a fundamental way.

 

My ex for instance was empirically rated a 7....but because of the way we just clicked, I saw her as a ten. She had a killer body though, but some guys may have thought she could be cuter. I thought she was adorable though.

 

But the fundamental attraction was still there. If I wasnt attracted to someone at all on a physical, emotional, or mental level....then thats settling...and thats something someone should never do.

 

Its one thing to compromise on one of those parts and not get exactly what you want...but thats only works if theres still attraction there with said part. But to move forward when no connection exists? Not smart.

[Ruby Slippers]

I would add one more aspect of compatibility to your list, and that is spiritual. This doesn't mean religious - it's compatibility with regard to your larger purpose as a human being, sense place in the world, and so on. (Some people don't invest much at all in this aspect of themselves.)

 

I think the mistake a lot of people are making these days is putting way too much emphasis on the physical. What they don't realize is that if you allow things to unfold, connections on all the other levels will strengthen the physical attraction as well. It has also been proven that familiarity with a person tends to increase your perception of their attractiveness. So he/she might not hit you like a bombshell on first meeting - but give yourself a chance to warm to the person and see how your perception adjusts.

 

Creating the right conditions that allow attraction to blossom is favorable to all. People do best when they like people and engage with them.

 

As for faking, anything significant would probably be a deal-breaker for me. I'm 100% honest with people, and value integrity and honesty very highly. I think anything other than the truth is a waste of time, so I don't bother to pretend.

[KungFuJoe]

Faking in a relationship is an absolute deal breaker. She/he might as well be cheating. It's the ultimate sign of weakness. If something isn't right for my partner, I NEED her to tell me so we can either work on it, or go our separate ways if it's unresolvable. I don't want to waste anyone's time and I certainly don't want my own time wasted.

 

If you lack the backbone to be honest about how you feel, I will drop you like a bad habit. Nothing irritates me more in a partner than weakness.

[Leigh 87]

I am about a 6 look wise, but I had a killer body that made me a 7. I am not ugly at all, but I am sure when he met me, he did not think I was stunning looking - although he did tell me my body blew him away ( since I worked out 2 hours a day)

Now days, I am even less attractive, but the fact we are so close in all the other key areas, being merely " attracted enough for sex" was enough for us to build on; I have gained about 20 lbs, yet he sees me as more attractive than ever because of the person I am and how we have evolved..

We honestly would not want to replace each other's looks with a models, even if we were given magic powers... we have grown attached to the way we look, our bad bits and all. ( although, he will be happy when I start my daily runs again and lose about 10 lbs and am thin and fit again!)

 

I do wonder why people settle for people who just do not do it for them! Perhaps people like me, who are not that good looking, think " wow, I sure will have to wait a long time, just to find a guy that is somewhat attractive, and that also meets my main needs... Geez, John is pretty darn awesome, just because I am not at all attracted to him..... I shouldn't be shallow, it is not like I can do any better?:"

See, I never pick people acccording to my " league" or that sort of bullsh*t. I fully believe a great guy will eventually find me to be amazing, even a good looking guy. I will not settle for a guy I am not attracted to, because I will not let my own physical limitations deter me, and make me feel like I will just have to make do with a guy I am not that into, due to his lack of of physical appeal.

 

Really, though; I DID learn that you do not have to be SUPER, super attracted at first!!!!!!!!!!! I have said many times that my boyfriend nor I, were THAT attracted to each other at first; he did not think I looked THAt cute, and I did not find him to be that attractive. Yet, we were able to both view each other as VERy attractive later dow the track.

It is hard though, to gauge between a person who your not THAT into physically and that COULD work out, and a person that it just will not grow with, due to their looks.

I do recommend to people to not be too fussy physically, you can simply spend time getting to know them for a few dates to see if the attraction developes or not, rather than not even giving them a second date. No harm in at least SEEING if a less than ideal girl, a 6/10 for instance, will knock your socks of later dow the track.

 

For a guy, I think you know your settling, if you really like a girl who you are not teriribly attracted to, and it never goes past that.... you find yourself upset and uncomfortable at times with how she looks, and are not thrilled about bringing her in front of your friends, and feel genuinely disheartened about her looks throughout the relatioship.

I feel sorry for the poster who is not sexually attracted to her boyfriend:( Although it came from a good place from her part - she wanted to not be shallow.

It would feel quiet awful to leave someone because you realized you were not physicall attracted to them no matter what............ They have not " faked" anything in this case, and I would definately do the lying!

I would never say " yeah, look, I am just not attracted to you". Too harsh., after months together.

[TheFinalWord]

I would add one more aspect of compatibility to your list, and that is spiritual. This doesn't mean religious - it's compatibility with regard to your larger purpose as a human being, sense place in the world, and so on. (Some people don't invest much at all in this aspect of themselves.)

 

I think the mistake a lot of people are making these days is putting way too much emphasis on the physical. What they don't realize is that if you allow things to unfold, connections on all the other levels will strengthen the physical attraction as well. It has also been proven that familiarity with a person tends to increase your perception of their attractiveness. So he/she might not hit you like a bombshell on first meeting - but give yourself a chance to warm to the person and see how your perception adjusts.

 

Creating the right conditions that allow attraction to blossom is favorable to all. People do best when they like people and engage with them.

 

As for faking, anything significant would probably be a deal-breaker for me. I'm 100% honest with people, and value integrity and honesty very highly. I think anything other than the truth is a waste of time, so I don't bother to pretend.

 

I agree, at a bare minimum you need three things:

 

1) Spiritual unity

2) Life purpose compatibility

3) Mental health

 

If you lack in these areas, I don't think you should even pursue a serious relationship. I think some people fake, but I think a lot more people don't know where they stand on the top two issues. They're still in transition and open to changing their mind. Now, everyone changes their mind, but I'm talking in major ways in those two big areas.

 

Maybe they change over time when they're in a relationship. Usually by 28-30 people have these things figured out. That's probably the best time to pursue a real relationship. Until then, date for fun and work on yourself. Get your degree, figure out what you want out of life, find the religion/philosophy that satisfies you. Then pursue a person that is similar in these two areas and make sure they are committed to whatever they pick. Similar visions is important for long-term commitment.

 

The third is obvious. If someone has an anger problem, addiction problem, bitterness, selfish, greedy, or is a liar you're asking for trouble. I think the liar part fits into the OP "faking" category.