caseyjayne Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Hi, I've just joined but you guys seem to give some great advice but I should warn you this is a very long story. Me and my (now ex) boyfriend had been together for 3 1/2 years and everything was perfect! Well I say perfect but we had our issues, he being a man couldn't talk about feelings openly and I was 300 miles away for 9 months a year at university. We both loved eachother so much and we'd do everything together. Sometimes I would tell him that I felt he should socialise more with friends because he didn't see them much which made me feel bad when I went out with my friends. I went to university in september and we spoke, wrote, skyped as much as we could. He talked about our future and about what would happen after I finished uni (moving in together etc) We wrote letters to each other and made CD's etc. We were a very private couple (our business was our business!) In term one he came to visit me and he also visited me in term two and we had an amazing time, he said he really enjoyed it because it felt like we lived together and it was just us. He had to repeat a year of 6th form so whilst me and all of his friends went off to uni he was still stuck in school during this time he became close to a group of girls (one of which is my best friend) who are all lovely but when I came home for easter I felt a bit insecure and I we had a conversation about how I was slightly jealous about him spending time with these girls but he assured me I had nothing to worry about and I knew I didn't. In the last term it was always going to be a struggle because I had my final deadlines and he had exams which meant he couldn't visit me and we didn't have much spare time to talk but we did speak as much as we could! One night I got upset because my friends at uni had their boyfriends round to visit and I was missing mine. I text him but he didn't reply which made me upset so I sent him another text saying that if he wanted to break up with me he should just do it now and then he did. I was so shocked and completely heartbroken. He was extremely stressed with exams and I had become very 'needy' during that time because I was jealous of my friends spending time with their boyfriends. The last letter I got from him was a week before we broke up and it said how we had all of summer together and he loved/missed me more than anything We skyped the next night for 3 hours and laughed and joked. He's told me that he doesn't know what he wants, that he'd been thinking about it for a few weeks (not much thought for such a long relationship) and he doesn't like thinking of me as his ex girlfriend, told me I could probably seduce him and things. I text him telling him how upset I was for weeks I told him missed him (which I now realise was wrong and pushed him away) during this time he told me he doesn't love me and has no feelings for me but I find it hard to believe :/ 4 weeks later I came home from uni and met up with him at first it was fine and we were laughing and joking and then I knew we needed to talk about the breakup and things went sour from then. He never told me how he felt about me during this conversation but when I said that I felt I pushed him into it with the text he just said "yeah". I'd arranged to meet a friend to assure the meeting didn't last too long but we were talking for about an hour and a half. He said he was thinking about cancelling meeting me but then he didn't and that he wanted to come. During this meeting he also told me he didn't think we were going to break up but it was a mistake getting back together last time because we would have both moved on by now? I'm not going back to uni as I suffered severe home sickness I'm studying locally instead, this was a decision made just before we split although he does not know as I was going to tell him in person. I know there is no one else as we had a short split before (Dec 2010 for 2 months) and we've always been very honest about that because we have alot of respect for eachother. During this split we both kissed other people and we knew it was wrong and it didn't feel right and we were back together. Anyway later that week we were out for a mutual friends birthday and he kept looking over to me as I was dancing away from the group my friend said he was doing it all night, she described it as a jealous way, making sure no one else was there (it was too hard being close to him) but he didn't say one word to me which really hurt. Some of our friends were being very comforting to him which I found hard to see as I feel he doesn't care about our breakup. Since we broke up he's gone out alot more and we don't talk unless I initiate conversation and when I do I just feel like I'm bugging him - no one knows why we broke up (not even me) and everyone is so confused by it as he's not very open about his feelings all. I haven't contacted him in 2 weeks but I'm desperate to win him back. I'm using the no contact rule but I'm not sure whether this really works all I know is I need to give him space to breathe. I would really appreciate some advice from both men/women. I know that people will tell me to move on etc but I feel like you will all know this is very hard when you love someone.
fucpcg Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 NC can be highly overrated. Having said that, my last ex had I used it with her I think there might be a chance we would be communicating again (it's 15 months post split), but we aren't, and I don't regret the 3 letters I sent her trying to patch things up. You must do what is in your heart. Your concerns, and your behavior is understandable. If it was love between you two, there isn't any reason that would be insurmountable. I love my ex, but she has turned into the Wicked Witch of the East since we split. Even so, I love her. If she came back, and I knew that she learned from what happened, I could move forward with her. You two are both young. I believe he just doesn't know what he wants from life right now. It's a common thing for most in their 20's. I'm 42, I know these things. I lost my first love, who I dated from 21-24. She left me in a horrible way, and of course I was in a horrible state. Ironically she finds me 15 years later on FB, and apologizes, and tells me I was good to her and sorry that she left me like she did, but at the time she didn't know any better. We are now again great friends. Who can say where you two will be in 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years. I wish I could help you and give a better answer. The girl that left me, I bled my heart to her, wrote her letters, chased her... none of those things mattered, because she wasn't ready for me, for what we would have together. Yet 15 years later, our love and relationship still moved her, as it does me. We've both had loves since them, we've both had good lives. Life did go on. It was a brutal 2 years for me post breakup, but life did once again get to be awesome for me, and my mid to late 20's were some of the best times, and greatest memories of my life! I would not have had those memories if her and I stayed together and started a family. Which would have been better? Who can say for sure, but there is no denying that after getting over her, I had such an amazing time together with my friends, doing what 20's year olds should be doing, having care free fun. I don't know if you two will get back together, but I do know you will have a good life, with or without him. Doesn't help at all right now, I know. Those two years after breakup were just brutal. At age 42, I don't even remember those years, they were just a speed bump of life.
lil hoodlum Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Since we broke up he's gone out alot more and we don't talk unless I initiate conversation and when I do I just feel like I'm bugging him - no one knows why we broke up (not even me) and everyone is so confused by it as he's not very open about his feelings all. I haven't contacted him in 2 weeks but I'm desperate to win him back. I'm using the no contact rule but I'm not sure whether this really works all I know is I need to give him space to breathe. I would really appreciate some advice from both men/women. I know that people will tell me to move on etc but I feel like you will all know this is very hard when you love someone. His behaviour sounds alot like my ex's. My guess he is really hurt over something and has put up some walls around his heart to guard it. He is being passive-aggressive and trying to "punish" you. I'm not sure that No Contact will work for you. He might further "punish" you for ignoring him. I would suggest Limited Contact but really try to get to the bottom of why has he put up walls and why is he so reluctant to talk about what his problem is. I really get tired of that crap. Why can't they just come out and say what is bugging them so that the two of you can work something out. Good luck! It really does sound like you love him.
Author caseyjayne Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 Thank you! I think maybe the best thing for me to do is as you say LC but I'm not really sure how to start it. I feel like the way I reacted to the breakup made him realise how much I love him and that maybe he doesn't want to be back together at the risk of hurting me? It's a shot in the dark but I don't know that's all I can think of. Also do you think that I should tell him that I still love him or should I try and figure out what is wrong first? Again thank you so much! I never understand why people can't just be honest because he's hurt me more this way than he would have done if we'd just spoken
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