ShakeyMouse Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I recently found out my wife has been having an affair for 3 of the 3.5 years we have been married. She says she loves me and wants to work things out, but I do not believe her. I think she is selfish and self obsessed and is really only concerned with “trying” make things work so she can she did. She is very concerned with letting me know that this is hard for her and she keeps wanting to talk about the things she said lead her to have the affair; and of course they all have to do with what se perceives I was or was not doing. My wife is needy an even describes herself as such…I do not see how we make it past this. Considering our most recent falling out was over her snoring and me waking her up by simply saying “hey you are snoring.”. Her response was, ” Lord Jesus, I can’t even get a good nights sleep.”. All I did was say hey you are snoring…wouldn’t even have brought it up but I couldn’t sleep…I bring this situation up because I think it illustrates her inability or unwillingness to empathize with me….I think I’ve said too much and might be rambling… But I need some insight from someone who has gone through this. Thanks for your time.
reboot Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 She started cheating 6 months into the marriage? And she's been cheating for three years? And it's all your fault? Why are you still there? 2
TaraMaiden Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 is the affair over? I take it she no longer sees or speaks to her lover? did she stop out of personal remorse and guilt, or did she stop because she got found out? do you think (if it is the latter) that the affair would have stopped, had she NOT been found out?
Author ShakeyMouse Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 I may not have been very clear. She doesn't "say" it is all my fault. She does apologize for it and she says she takes responsibility for her actions. But whenever we talk about it the conversation always drifts to problems we were having and they seem to center around me. She has said numerous times this wasn't all my fault and admits that she had I Unresolved feelings for the OM that started to bubble to the surface when we started having problems. But whenever we talk about "it" we always end fighting and she seems to have this anger towards me...as evidenced by the snoring incident. I guess what I'm really trying to avoid is going down the road of reconciliation and then one say she says "this isn't really what I want" and destroys me all over again.
reboot Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 So don't give her that power. You're the one that's been wronged. Are there children?
Author ShakeyMouse Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 TaraMadien you ask some very good questions. The affair is over and she stopped because about 2 months ago she was texting a "friend" late one night and it just seemed wrong to me so the next morning I checked her txt msgs while she was in the shower and got the shock of my life. And then over the course of two weeks the following occurred: first she said it was only txt msgs and no physical contact, then it was they had dinner once but nothing happened, then it was they had sex once, then it was they had met 3 times to have sex. To answer your other question, I don't know I'd she would have stopped on her own, we were in the process I trying to have a kid...so I guess no, I don't think she intended to stop although she says she wanted to.
Author ShakeyMouse Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 I believe it stopped because she got caught.
eeyore1981 Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 What is it about this woman and what does she bring to the marriage that makes you want to reconcile?
whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I believe it stopped because she got caught. It's very rare an affair just 'ends' after being caught like that. Sure the physical side of it does but the rest doesn't. She may have another phone. She may have an email address you don't know about. She may be lying to you about where she is when out. This selfish woman (glad you see her faults) married you, then not even a year into the marriage, cheated on you for THREE years. She's immature, selfish and certainly didn't take her marriage vows seriously.
Author ShakeyMouse Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 I suppose I want to try to reconcile because I live her and it is hard for me to see myself without her and I did take my vows seriously. I kind of believe her when she says she hasn't contacted the OM since I found out. She even told our therapist that they have not been in contact. But what do I know . She says she wants to reconcile, and she apologizes but I feel like I should see some sort of action, but I don't know what hat would be.
reboot Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 The way you can tell when a cheating spouse is lying to you is when you see their lips moving. 2
TaraMaiden Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I suppose I want to try to reconcile because I live her and it is hard for me to see myself without her and I did take my vows seriously. Unfortunately, by not taking hers seriously, she effectively made a mockery of your vows too. I kind of believe her when she says she hasn't contacted the OM since I found out. She even told our therapist that they have not been in contact. Demand to see all mobile phone bills, and make sure she only has one phone. But what do I know . A damn sight more, if you become a lot more proactive. you need to start making some clear demands as to what this will take. She says she wants to reconcile, and she apologizes but I feel like I should see some sort of action, but I don't know what hat would be. She has to be completely accountable, completely transparent and give you all contact details for this guy. You want to see her write him a letter, and email it telling him it's completely over and that they must have no further contact. you then want a password to her computer pages, and you want total transparency. Why? Because in order to prove herself trustworthy, and prove to you that she is 100% sincere in wanting to make this work, she has to do whatever it takes to make you believe that she is sincere. She has to walk the talk and put her money where her mouth is. Actions, bro, speak a lot louder than verbal platitudes and simpering apologies. Oh, and counselling continues. she's not done, until you say she's done.
Author ShakeyMouse Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 I'm not even really 100% sure I want to stay with her. My emotions are all over the place. And to be completely honest I don't know if I can get past this.
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 You are going through the rollercoaster of emotions that is normal at first. Your opions, needs, emotions, etc WILL be all over the map. And it doesn't sound like she's into reconciliation. My wife was the same way. She went to 3 months of therapy originally to "find out what was wrong with her"...but she lied about the scope of the affair the entire time and was still texting the OM, keeping him up to date and lord knows what else. I recommend snooping, it's the only way you'll know the truth. Online phone records can show you everyone who's called her, she's called, and who all the texts were from\to. Check any accounts she has that you have passwords to. I busted my WW on some major lies by checking her facebook message logs. She also did the same thing in therapy, turned everything to be my fault. All stuff that had had happened 7+ years before was her reasoning. =\ Never mind her part of it. We'd talk about the night she got pregnant...and what led to the "mistake" that night. Bah...she had been sleeping with the guy for 4 months. How could we focus on her part of it when she was lying through her teeth about all of it the whole time? Here I was working my tail off to fix my half of the marriage In the end, yeah, I feel she was too cowardly to just say she wanted out of the marriage. She needed a way to sabotage it beyond repair. Then when I tried everything I could to fix things, any mistakes or tactics used to separate her and the OM were used as justification for her to leave. She was waiting for any excuse to make it ok to get out of the marriage...and I had to initiate divorce. She wouldn't do it, only go along with me when I wanted to. Your wife may never admit she wants out. Frankly I recommend the same as the others. You don't have kids, I fought soooo hard because we have a beautiful 9 year old daughter. If you only got 6 months of faithful marriage and 3.5 years of lies? Why stay? Think about it logically and not with your broken heart? Can you spend the rest of your life with this person? What if she does it again when you do have kids? What if she does what my wife did and comes to you saying there's a child and she doesn't know who the father is? What if she gives you an STD? I say it's not worth it, find someone who really loves you and would do anything to be with you. Sorry for the harsh pill I know you are really hurting right now. YOu have a LOT of grief to go through and it's going to be simply awful. I totally get that. I've taken 2 weeks off from work just to cope. Week 1 was simply to cry and grieve. Later I took another week just to rest...not think about anything or deal with anyone. It's been pretty tough to function, but I know things will get better. I've been searching the dating forums and I'm finally starting to see that there ARE other people out there who could be as good of a match as my STBXW...took some searching but they are there. Wanted to say one other thing that another forum member here once said (paraphrased) "Lots of people live in unhappy marriages and don't cheat". It's not your fault. People are responsible for their own actions.
Darren Steez Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 3 year affair and they only slept together three times? Was it anniversary sex? come on dude you know she was with him way more times than that and if you knew how much you probably wouldn't take her back. That is what you need to find out
SomedayDig Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I'm not even really 100% sure I want to stay with her. My emotions are all over the place. And to be completely honest I don't know if I can get past this. You have to gut check yourself here, man. Your wife was banging another guy for your entire marriage. Do you think you can love her in spite of that? Can you live with knowing she was going down on him and coming home and kissing you? Can you live with the fact that she may have done some kinky stuff with him that she never did with you? Sorry to throw that kind of crap in your face, but its what any of us have had to answer for ourselves before trying to reconcile.
Plan 9 from OS Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Sorry, but this is not a marriage. If you are Catholic, I think this marriage would be an excellent candidate for annullment, i.e. as if it never took place. If she was sleeping with someone else for practically the entire length of the marriage, and you were the one to discover it, I think you know the answer to what needs to happen. If I were you, the next opportunity you have to talk to her I would tell her - face to face - that you are done competing for her with the OM. Tell her the OM won and that you hope the two of them are happy together. I'd also thank the good Lord that she is not pregnant yet because for all you know the odds of the baby being the OM's is as much likely as it would be you.
NXS Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 we were in the process I trying to have a kid... Until you decide what to do make sure you avoid her getting pregnant, take all necessary precautions. Seriously, it will make any future separation 100X worse, you may end up in a custody battle, paying child-support and tied to her for the next 18 years. Not to mention the turmoil your child(ren) will experience. 1
lordmayhem Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 TaraMadien you ask some very good questions. The affair is over and she stopped because about 2 months ago she was texting a "friend" late one night and it just seemed wrong to me so the next morning I checked her txt msgs while she was in the shower and got the shock of my life. And then over the course of two weeks the following occurred: first she said it was only txt msgs and no physical contact, then it was they had dinner once but nothing happened, then it was they had sex once, then it was they had met 3 times to have sex. Talk about Trickle Truth. Oh please, affair sex is so hot, made all the more desirable because of the secrecy of sneaking around. 3 times? Here, take a look at this thread from a cheater forum. Affair Discussion Forum • View topic - How many time a week/ month do your see each other
drifter777 Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 We do not have children Reconciling your marriage after her affair will be the hardest, most painful thing you have ever done. You've been married a relatively short time, she's been cheating pretty much since your honeymoon ended - why are you even considering trying to reconcile? It might sound harsh but in your situation divorce should be viewed as your second chance to be happy, your second chance to find love. Call a lawyer and do it – in 6 months you will be fine and you will never regret dumping her.
KungFuJoe Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Divorce, divorce, divorce. Marriage is just a piece of paper when it's riddled with infidelity. Rip that in half, move on to something better. Judging from the way your wife is treating you, better will be VERY easy to come by.
BetrayedH Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I am about as "pro-reconciliation" as you will find on these boards. But it requires two things: (1) A wayward spouse that is truly remorseful and (2) A betrayed spouse that is really forgiving. 1 also has to come before 2. Your wife is not remorseful. In fact, she is still justifying her affair. You did NOTHING to deserve this. If there were marital problems (at six months?! Gimme a break), she gets to own half of those, too. She gets to own 100% of the idiotic and damn evil decision to have an affair. Her choices were to either fix the marriage or discuss divorce, if needed. She chose instead to F someone else for 3 years and somehow that's your fault? Any reference to you or the marriage when discussing why she had this affair shows that she does not "get it." You cannot settle for that or you'll be a doormat forever. Don't accept any blameshifting. Oh, and yeah, she's lying. It's more like 153 times. Since she is so tortured by you tolerating her snoring, let her be free to find someone else less abusive. Sorry you find yourself here and with an unremorseful wayward spouse. Especially since you have a short marriage and no children, start a second life for yourself. Good luck. 2
Author ShakeyMouse Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 I really thank you guys for all of the advice. I'm reading through all the posts now. One thing I want to clarify: for the majority of the affair we lived in TX and the OM was about 2000 miles away, so it started as a texting/sexting thing and they first had sex a little more than a year after our first anniversary...not sure if any of that matters but I wanted to give u as complete a picture as I can.
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