ihateslowjams Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 i'm having a really hard time lately... its been 4 weeks since the BU and 3 weeks of NC. I know the relationship is over and I've been trying to keep myself busy, but i can't ever stop thinking about her. Im still very much broken by the reasons she gave me for the BU. I know i need to focus on myself and conduct self-improvement. I am doing just that, but I'm sooo impatient and its ruining my plans for the future. Im currently going to school still and working. I will be applying to transfer this fall and ill be taking a promotion at my job this summer, but its not the boost that i need to be happy again. I know that even 3-6 months down the line, i still won't be happy because its not good enough. My ex broke up with me because she said i'm not driven or determined to be successful, how i still live at home, can't take her out because i don't have money (she didn't say that word for word, but its practically what she meant), and how I've been depressed and she hates hanging out with me because its not fun since I'm so depressing (my dad just cheated on my mom and my mom is trying to get me to talk to my dad and guilt tripping me. she thinks i can save their marriage, but i can't because she's been trying to make everything back to normal for the past year...). she knows about my family, but couldn't realize the reason why I'm so depressed and how its a good reason why... I know that the only way for me to be happy again is to transfer to a university, but that won't be till fall of 2013. until then, i feel like no matter what i do, its just not good enough because there isn't any "life improvement". i feel like this rut is going to rip me apart. Im so depressed that my new outlook on life is really bothering me because its looking really bleak. I don't know what to do to get out of this slump... Ive been keeping busy with the 3 classes I'm taking for summer (6-weeks), picked up more hours at work, and have been reading books. I can't go out and party on the weekends because all of my friends got out of that phase now... I've been hanging out with friends lately, but i can't enjoy the moment... is this normal? because i honestly did not react this way when my first ex cheated on me. I really do think the reasons why my current ex broke up with me is eating me up inside...
Exit Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Not sure how long you were together but yeah it's normal, look at all the other threads posted around yours, some people are hurting years later, you're 4 weeks into it and it's normal to feel this way. Every relationship is different, just because a previous girl cheated on you and you didn't even feel this bad at that time doesn't mean anything. Is your ex some type of super successful millionaire with her own home and everything that she felt secure in passing those judgments on you? You're still going through school and the world's economy is in the toilet, it's plenty common to still be living at home. You're working, you're going to school, you said you have a promotion coming up, what more did she want from you? As far as being depressed, there are issues going on with your family and maybe you could have clued her in a bit more as to why you were depressed or stressed out so she would understand, but regardless it's situations like these that relationships are for, to have someone there to lean on and support each other through rough times. Seems there's two different views on relationships, the immature view where it's all supposed to be fun and good times and going out on the town and socializing and the more mature view of realizing relationships are about the good and the bad, not just one big constant party. A stressful situation like what your parents are going through, in some people's eyes, could have been a good opportunity to strengthen the bonds that you and your gf had. In her eyes, she selfishly thought you weren't being fun anymore and took off. Don't spend too much time analyzing her reasons because the other sad truth of breakups is that you never really know if the reasons you got were the absolute truth or if it was just the best excuse she came up with. Reasons for breaking up related to the external influences of life don't really matter in the end anyway, do they? The only thing that matters is whether or not someone loves you enough to stay. Whether your parents are having relationship issues, stress from work or school, world governments announcing that a meteor is headed for earth, people who want to stay together stay together and people who don't find a reason to break up. The only important thing she revealed to you was that she didn't care about you enough to see it through and that she wanted to leave. Don't spend so much time focusing on what the specific reasons were. You sound like you're being plenty driven and successful. I guess she wanted an apology that you don't have your own house and a Mercedes yet? You may not be going to university until 2013 but "life improvement" is a pretty broad term and there are a million other things you can start doing to feel good instead of just waiting for 2013 to roll around. Work hard at your classes, you're already taking more hours at work, you have that promotion coming up, if you're determined to be a super overachiever you can join a gym or find some social group to join or do any other number of things. Sorry that you're hurting, really it doesn't matter what you do, there is no answer that will make you feel better starting tomorrow. The main thing is time. You will feel better when you're ready to.
CopingGal Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 My ex broke up with me because she said i'm not driven or determined to be successful, how i still live at home, can't take her out because i don't have money (she didn't say that word for word, but its practically what she meant), and how I've been depressed and she hates hanging out with me because its not fun since I'm so depressing (my dad just cheated on my mom and my mom is trying to get me to talk to my dad and guilt tripping me. she thinks i can save their marriage, but i can't because she's been trying to make everything back to normal for the past year...). she knows about my family, but couldn't realize the reason why I'm so depressed and how its a good reason why... [\QUOTE] I know you don't want to hear this, but leaving you was good for you and her. Take it from me, it's not good to stay in a relationship and then just try to change the person. I read somewhere, that the person has to except you NOW...not for what you could be in the future, not for what you were in the past. She has to except you now, and if she can't, then she has to leave. This isn't something like having communication issues, which couple's therapy can help. This is your ex not liking your life as it is now. It's good that she is gone. Trying to change your entire life to please someone is very stressful and unnecessary. You need someone to accept your life as it is now. I hope you feel better soon. Keep up with school and other things to make you feel better. Screw her! Let her go with the wind.
Author ihateslowjams Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 Not sure how long you were together but yeah it's normal, look at all the other threads posted around yours, some people are hurting years later, you're 4 weeks into it and it's normal to feel this way. Every relationship is different, just because a previous girl cheated on you and you didn't even feel this bad at that time doesn't mean anything. Is your ex some type of super successful millionaire with her own home and everything that she felt secure in passing those judgments on you? You're still going through school and the world's economy is in the toilet, it's plenty common to still be living at home. You're working, you're going to school, you said you have a promotion coming up, what more did she want from you? As far as being depressed, there are issues going on with your family and maybe you could have clued her in a bit more as to why you were depressed or stressed out so she would understand, but regardless it's situations like these that relationships are for, to have someone there to lean on and support each other through rough times. Seems there's two different views on relationships, the immature view where it's all supposed to be fun and good times and going out on the town and socializing and the more mature view of realizing relationships are about the good and the bad, not just one big constant party. A stressful situation like what your parents are going through, in some people's eyes, could have been a good opportunity to strengthen the bonds that you and your gf had. In her eyes, she selfishly thought you weren't being fun anymore and took off. Don't spend too much time analyzing her reasons because the other sad truth of breakups is that you never really know if the reasons you got were the absolute truth or if it was just the best excuse she came up with. Reasons for breaking up related to the external influences of life don't really matter in the end anyway, do they? The only thing that matters is whether or not someone loves you enough to stay. Whether your parents are having relationship issues, stress from work or school, world governments announcing that a meteor is headed for earth, people who want to stay together stay together and people who don't find a reason to break up. The only important thing she revealed to you was that she didn't care about you enough to see it through and that she wanted to leave. Don't spend so much time focusing on what the specific reasons were. You sound like you're being plenty driven and successful. I guess she wanted an apology that you don't have your own house and a Mercedes yet? You may not be going to university until 2013 but "life improvement" is a pretty broad term and there are a million other things you can start doing to feel good instead of just waiting for 2013 to roll around. Work hard at your classes, you're already taking more hours at work, you have that promotion coming up, if you're determined to be a super overachiever you can join a gym or find some social group to join or do any other number of things. Sorry that you're hurting, really it doesn't matter what you do, there is no answer that will make you feel better starting tomorrow. The main thing is time. You will feel better when you're ready to. We were together for 3 1/2 years and no, she's not a millionaire but making 60k-70k at her age (23), which in her mind, gives her justification to judge me in that way... I did tell her about my parents, so she knew all about it. However, she just saw me being depressed and wanted to me be happy around her and didn't try to make me feel better in any way... Its really bothering me about what she said to me during the break up. I know i shouldn't let it, but i can't help it. When i look at my life and what i have, my depression skyrockets. Ive been hitting the gym every night, been reading self-help books, and drown myself in hw for the time being, but i still feel like I'm not progressing in life. This feeling that i have is not just due to the BU, but how i look at my life and its embarrassing for me. Ive been reading here how everyone lives on their own or have lived with their SO and they're all much younger than me (I'm 27). Im no where near living on my own and i won't be able to until i transfer in Fall 2013. I just feel like my life is in the crap hole and whatever i do right now isn't helping. Ive been seeing a psychiatrist and she's trying to help me to stop beating myself down, but i can't. I need a big change in my life in order to turn myself around, but i don't know what to do to make it happen. Focusing on my transfer in fall 2013 is TOO LONG from now and isn't helping me at the moment. I know I'm being very impatient, but i seriously can't help it. Ive tried meditating to calm myself, but i can't because i feel like I'm wasting my time and need to do something more productive instead. How can i change my view on my own life right now? unless i can do this, ill be beating myself down everyday. i don't want to go insane... argh...
Author ihateslowjams Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 My ex broke up with me because she said i'm not driven or determined to be successful, how i still live at home, can't take her out because i don't have money (she didn't say that word for word, but its practically what she meant), and how I've been depressed and she hates hanging out with me because its not fun since I'm so depressing (my dad just cheated on my mom and my mom is trying to get me to talk to my dad and guilt tripping me. she thinks i can save their marriage, but i can't because she's been trying to make everything back to normal for the past year...). she knows about my family, but couldn't realize the reason why I'm so depressed and how its a good reason why... [\QUOTE] I know you don't want to hear this, but leaving you was good for you and her. Take it from me, it's not good to stay in a relationship and then just try to change the person. I read somewhere, that the person has to except you NOW...not for what you could be in the future, not for what you were in the past. She has to except you now, and if she can't, then she has to leave. This isn't something like having communication issues, which couple's therapy can help. This is your ex not liking your life as it is now. It's good that she is gone. Trying to change your entire life to please someone is very stressful and unnecessary. You need someone to accept your life as it is now. I hope you feel better soon. Keep up with school and other things to make you feel better. Screw her! Let her go with the wind. Yeah, i know breaking up with me because she can't accept me as i am right now is a good decision, but I'm not talking about just the break up. Im depressed because of my life, not just because of losing my ex. What she said really drilled into me and has hurt me on a level I've never experienced before. I didn't change my entire life to please her, but i did change because i knew it was for the better. I was young and naive and wasted much of my time partying everyday with the wrong crowd, but i knew her disagreement with that lifestyle was the correct decision and i ended it. However, I'm still changing just like how everyone is constantly changing, but i have much to change still since i have a long future ahead of me. Thats where my problem lies. My future is going to take a very long time from now to achieve. I'm very impatient at the moment because she practically said i was a loser and a deadbeat since i live at home and don't have money to take her out (i work part time at work to pick up more classes). My confidence and self-worth was blown to pieces by her words and i don't know how to get it back. I just want a positive outlook on my life right now because all i see is nothing but a dream that will take a few more years to accomplish. I don't know how to get this positive outlook because all i see are all the negatives in my life. My family's issue is not helping me either when i go home every night...
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