TrebleClef Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I was still in contact with MM until today when he dumped me.....again. He and my mom dislike ea other (he's the one I dated in college and my parents broke us up). A little hist RE: my parents and I - My parents are extremely overprotective. I am an only child and they, especially my mom, go overboard and overreact...ESPECIALLY when it comes to my dating! Mom would find something wrong with the Pope if I brought him home! I've swept it under the rug and have tried to avoid it. Another reason why I haven't dated much at all! Now, back to dude. My mom came to my house, didn't feel like driving home, stayed the night. No big deal right? Dude tells me he's about to come over. I tell him not a good time, mom's here. He says "so?" Remember they dislike ea other and I didn't want to deal with mom overreacting and drama. If I mention his name, she goes beserk (sp?) Dude and I go back and forth then he snaps: "NEVERMIND, CALL ME WHEN YOU GROW UP!" A couple of days later, I contacted him and acknowledged his frustration but also told him how the things he said to me hurt me and pissed me off. He said he's dealt with an overbearing mom that disrespected him and he will not do that again. I told him I understood (and I really do). Doesn't mean I like it though. To confirm, I asked him point black "so you're done with me, right?" He said "It's a lot and I'm not gonna." I take that as "yes, I'm done with you." I asked him to accept my apology. I mean I have allowed the issue with my mom and me to get out of control, but I also felt like he should have been a little more patient with me. After all, I've had the same mom since forever. When he found me years later (and lied about being divorced) he knew mom was the same and still felt the same about him. So, I don't get it. Is he really done? Can I FINALLY start to heal, grieve, whatever? Will this be another dump me then pop back a time later claiming "I love you and miss you too much"?
TaraMaiden Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 A servant cannot serve two masters. You cannot split yourself equally in two and keep both sides happy. Leaving aside the fact that the man in your life is a cheater, which I as a mother would also be giving you a hard time about - if you're old enough to screw around, you're old enough to cut the apron strings. You have to tell your mother what you can no longer tolerate - her biased opinion and interference. But by the same token, make sure that when the crap hits the fan and your heart breaks, she's not the one you run to for solace and comfort, because she will only say "I told you so." 2
whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 He is married, right? why isn't that the issue here? Unless you're Ok with the affair and being the OW. He is making you out to be the bad guy here. He is using your mom as an excuse to be an assh.ole and treat you like crap.. And you're letting him..Over and over and over again. Why? Do you think this relationship will work if he divorces his wife and ends up with you? Already you two will have many red X's against you and your mom and him hating one another will not make things any easier. Anyway, I hope you find it in you to tell him to F-OFF and set yourself free.
whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 He said he's dealt with an overbearing mom that disrespected him and he will not do that again. I told him I understood (and I really do). Doesn't mean I like it though. To confirm, I asked him point black "so you're done with me, right?" He said "It's a lot and I'm not gonna." I take that as "yes, I'm done with you." So he didn't actually say the words, Yes, I am done with you. You assumed that is what he meant? Did you ask him? Decide what you want. Are you willin to continue to play the game with him and be used, treated like crap, being second fiddle and being his toy? IF yes, then accept the rollercoaster ride and a lot of misery too. If no, then END IT and focus on letting go and healing. You can do better than that piece of crap of a man.
Author TrebleClef Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 A servant cannot serve two masters. You cannot split yourself equally in two and keep both sides happy. Leaving aside the fact that the man in your life is a cheater, which I as a mother would also be giving you a hard time about - if you're old enough to screw around, you're old enough to cut the apron strings. You have to tell your mother what you can no longer tolerate - her biased opinion and interference. But by the same token, make sure that when the crap hits the fan and your heart breaks, she's not the one you run to for solace and comfort, because she will only say "I told you so." He's divorced (for real) now, but that still doesn't negate the fact that he lied in the beginning telling me he was already divorced AND I didn't run once I found out. Although I "cut him off". I don't know if you know my "story" but that a whole different show. He's the only man I "know" and I'm just like that stupid little girl back in college, around him. My parents do not know he was married. All they know is he's the one I dated in college that they got rid of. He found me years later and like an idiot I bought everything he told me (I never stopped loving you, I'm divorced, you should have been my wife/mother of my kids) and was so excited that I ran and told my parents "hey, you remember ____, we're dating again!" They both looked down at the floor as if they were about to cry. I thought it was just them being too involved and overprotective of me again. Yes, when he's dumped me before and I would tell my mom eventually. She'd usually sense it or know and call me screaming "what's wrong!?" "I know something is wrong!"
Author TrebleClef Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 So he didn't actually say the words, Yes, I am done with you. You assumed that is what he meant? Did you ask him? Yes, I asked him point blank "So, you are done with me right?" and his reply was "It's a lot, I'm not gonna". "I'm not gonna deal with an overbearing mom again" like he said he did previously. "i'm not gonna" that's what that means...correct? Decide what you want. Are you willin to continue to play the game with him and be used, treated like crap, being second fiddle and being his toy? IF yes, then accept the rollercoaster ride and a lot of misery too. If no, then END IT and focus on letting go and healing. You can do better than that piece of crap of a man. You're right.....UGH!!!!!
Author TrebleClef Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 So he didn't actually say the words, Yes, I am done with you. You assumed that is what he meant? Did you ask him? Decide what you want. Are you willin to continue to play the game with him and be used, treated like crap, being second fiddle and being his toy? IF yes, then accept the rollercoaster ride and a lot of misery too. If no, then END IT and focus on letting go and healing. You can do better than that piece of crap of a man. He is married, right? why isn't that the issue here? Unless you're Ok with the affair and being the OW. He is divorced for real now. No, I'm not ok with being the OW and definitely not ok with the affair. (see my reply to the above poster). He is making you out to be the bad guy here. He is using your mom as an excuse to be an assh.ole and treat you like crap.. And you're letting him..Over and over and over again. Why? That's the 10million dollar question. I'm in therapy but am a cash patient and have to space my sessions....UGH!!! Do you think this relationship will work if he divorces his wife and ends up with you? Already you two will have many red X's against you and your mom and him hating one another will not make things any easier. As I stated above he is divorced now. But I stopped asking relationship questions like "are we together now?" etc. He evades too much. Once I found out he lied and was not really divorcing (at the beginning of this mess) I didn't run but I stopped the intimacy. But I didn't stop contact with him (dumb, I know). I noticed that it started to turn into an emotional affair. Anyway, I hope you find it in you to tell him to F-OFF and set yourself free. Boy, will I be glad when I truly learn from all this, tell him to F-off, mean it, stick with it and truly move on!! OMG!!!!
TaraMaiden Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Hey, here's a plan - why not start that RIGHT NOW - ??!?
Spark1111 Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 If you have both grown up with overbearing and overinvolved parents, you both will bring intimacy issues to the table. If you cannot make your spouse your best friend and confide your deepest feelings to your spouse only, distancing yourself somewhat from mommy and daddy, you will never grow up. But a bigger issue is this: If everytime you try to communicate a negative emotion to each other all you hear is the voice of your overbearing mommy, you guys are doomed. Find your independence and your boundaries first before you even consider commiting to another. I think he needs to do the same. 2
Author TrebleClef Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 Hey, here's a plan - why not start that RIGHT NOW - ??!? Start what right now? The telling him to F-off? I would, I have, I should. I have told him that...literally... and when/if he'd call back with his "MO mantra" I'd always accept him back like a fool. As it stands at this moment, yes I'm fed up, yes I'm disgusted and my hypertension can no longer play "he loves me, he loves me not" but I'm so dumb, stupid, hung up on the only man I "know" and I truly genuinely love him that if he called me right now, I'd answer. I'm still pissed at him for the things he's said and done so it wouldn't be a happy conversation but for some reason I'm still clinging to that tattered string of hope. I hate it, don't like it and wish I could just walk away cold turkey. Attention from him...negative or positive. It's crazy. Therapist states that I have to stop misunderstanding my own behaviors to really "get" that my subconscious mind is so afraid. *shrugging shoulders* What am I so afraid of, being alone? I was alone when he found me and was becoming very content and coming to grips with the fact that I just may never marry/have a child. Then BAM! Heck, I'm alone now. I'm not giddy, and turning flips yet but I'll get there. I just wish he'd dump me and let me STAY dumped. Stop calling back or showing up at my door after telling me "I'm not gonna".
TaraMaiden Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 You know why he's going to keep calling you....? Because you always answer. Change YOUR behaviour, and you change the dynamics. Take away the permission, and you take back control. 1
Fitz Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 (edited) OP, The reason why you've "bought into" this pathological relationship (and subjected yourself to abuse and disrespect) is because your MM has sold you on the idea that he has more value than you as a person. This is why all that "pick-up artist" stuff works on women with low self esteem. Because such women assume that when a man treats her poorly, that its because they've finally "tricked" a high value male into lowering his standards to be with her (a low value woman). Its as if she sweet talked the car dealership into selling them a BMW for the price of a Ford. In other words, these low self esteem women believe "he treats me poorly because he and I both know he deserves someone better than me." Likewise, they wrongly assume that when a man treats her with decency, its only because he's weak. Because these women walk through life with a low self worth. In other words they think "he's only being nice to a low value girl like myself because he has no other options. Because clearly no high value man would be interested in a woman like me..." And furthermore, since a wedding ring on a man is like a "stamp of approval" -many women with low self esteem find themselves beiing attracted to married men. Because all the good ones are taken, right?... My advice to you, OP is to work on your self esteem. The affair with an a$$#*le MM is a symptom. But low self esteem is your disease. And trust me: you may want to have kids. But you don't want them with this guy. It would be a huge mess... This affair with an a$$#*le MM may seem like you're almost "getting a deal on a lightly used BMW". But its a lemon if I ever saw one... You deserve better. Edited June 30, 2012 by Fitz 3
mercy Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 (edited) I love Motown music, sitting working a puzzle the other day I popped a good one in the player and on came an oldie by the Supremes, "Stop, in the name of love". My older sister got me hooked on the music and I'm just sitting there singing along happy as can be. Then suddenly I really listened to the words I was singing and I thought how ridiculous. Were women so passive that they just sat around waiting for a man to make a decision on their lives? How utterly sad. Thank God we have progressed like we have. We are in control of our lives. Thank God. Or have we? You are one angry woman just under the surface, under the thumb of your parents, under the thumb of some man. Why? You must be getting something out of it or you would stop. Do you lean towards passive/aggressive behavior. Does it feel good to play the victim, so you don't have to be responsible for how your life is playing out. There are some wonderful, manly, beautiful men out there. "Out there" is freedom, taste it breathe it. Pack your bags (if possible) and move somewhere far away or the new town over. Something wonderful is waiting for you. Please please get into counseling. Edited June 30, 2012 by mercy wanted to add
MissBee Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I was still in contact with MM until today when he dumped me.....again. He and my mom dislike ea other (he's the one I dated in college and my parents broke us up). A little hist RE: my parents and I - My parents are extremely overprotective. I am an only child and they, especially my mom, go overboard and overreact...ESPECIALLY when it comes to my dating! Mom would find something wrong with the Pope if I brought him home! I've swept it under the rug and have tried to avoid it. Another reason why I haven't dated much at all! Now, back to dude. My mom came to my house, didn't feel like driving home, stayed the night. No big deal right? Dude tells me he's about to come over. I tell him not a good time, mom's here. He says "so?" Remember they dislike ea other and I didn't want to deal with mom overreacting and drama. If I mention his name, she goes beserk (sp?) Dude and I go back and forth then he snaps: "NEVERMIND, CALL ME WHEN YOU GROW UP!" A couple of days later, I contacted him and acknowledged his frustration but also told him how the things he said to me hurt me and pissed me off. He said he's dealt with an overbearing mom that disrespected him and he will not do that again. I told him I understood (and I really do). Doesn't mean I like it though. To confirm, I asked him point black "so you're done with me, right?" He said "It's a lot and I'm not gonna." I take that as "yes, I'm done with you." I asked him to accept my apology. I mean I have allowed the issue with my mom and me to get out of control, but I also felt like he should have been a little more patient with me. After all, I've had the same mom since forever. When he found me years later (and lied about being divorced) he knew mom was the same and still felt the same about him. So, I don't get it. Is he really done? Can I FINALLY start to heal, grieve, whatever? Will this be another dump me then pop back a time later claiming "I love you and miss you too much"? You also get to decide if it is done and to say no or yes if he comes back. I hate to see a woman sit there waiting for some loser to come back or not, as though she has no agency...and I have been there myself too. He is married and lied about it....do you have plans for a future with him? Was there some plan for him to leave and you end up together or what? Even without your mom in the picture...what were your plans? Don't let a man who is married and lied about it control your life. He does not seem like that great of a partner and your mom not liking him might have been her mommy 6th sense about the nature of his character. As for you and your mom...you perhaps need counseling to separate yourself and create your boundaries with her. You have been raised with it and in such cases, are just as much tied to that dynamic and her apron strings as she is with you. It's not just her...you also find it hard to say no to her and set your own boundaries, and even if you find a single guy, if you don't deal with your relationship with your mom (it's not your mom...it's your relationship with each other, which is 2-way) then it will strain ANY relationship you get into after this.
MissBee Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 If you have both grown up with overbearing and overinvolved parents, you both will bring intimacy issues to the table. If you cannot make your spouse your best friend and confide your deepest feelings to your spouse only, distancing yourself somewhat from mommy and daddy, you will never grow up. But a bigger issue is this: If everytime you try to communicate a negative emotion to each other all you hear is the voice of your overbearing mommy, you guys are doomed. Find your independence and your boundaries first before you even consider commiting to another. I think he needs to do the same. Couldn't agree more. There is a lot they need to work on as individuals before they even attempt to have a relationship with another.
scatterd Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I have to wonder what his in-laws think about him.I know if he was married to one of my daughters and was cheating. I would probably want to claw his eyes out. my daughter was with a guy that cheated twice finally she got it and is in love with a man that does not cheat. Thank God! Mom does know best. 1
Author TrebleClef Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 I love Motown music, sitting working a puzzle the other day I popped a good one in the player and on came an oldie by the Supremes, "Stop, in the name of love". My older sister got me hooked on the music and I'm just sitting there singing along happy as can be. Then suddenly I really listened to the words I was singing and I thought how ridiculous. Were women so passive that they just sat around waiting for a man to make a decision on their lives? How utterly sad. Thank God we have progressed like we have. ...We are in control of our lives. Thank God. Or have we? didn't realize I was crying victim... You are one angry woman just under the surface, under the thumb of your parents, under the thumb of some man. Why? You must be getting something out of it or you would stop. Do you lean towards passive/aggressive behavior. Does it feel good to play the victim, so you don't have to be responsible for how your life is playing out. There are some wonderful, manly, beautiful men out there. "Out there" is freedom, taste it breathe it. Pack your bags (if possible) and move somewhere far away or the new town over. Something wonderful is waiting for you. Please please get into counseling. I am seeing a therapist. I'm a cash patient and have to space my sessions. Insurance doesn't cover. :-(
alexandria35 Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I have to wonder what his in-laws think about him.I know if he was married to one of my daughters and was cheating. I would probably want to claw his eyes out. my daughter was with a guy that cheated twice finally she got it and is in love with a man that does not cheat. Thank God! Mom does know best. Oh I don't blame the OPs mom for hating her MM. He's been married three times, he's a pastor and he was married to his 3rd wife when he started his affair with the OP. This guy is trash. I can't for the life of me understand why the OP would be pining for such a lying disgusting POS.
Author TrebleClef Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 You also get to decide if it is done and to say no or yes if he comes back. I hate to see a woman sit there waiting for some loser to come back or not, as though she has no agency...and I have been there myself too. He is married and lied about it....do you have plans for a future with him? Was there some plan for him to leave and you end up together or what? Even without your mom in the picture...what were your plans? Don't let a man who is married and lied about it control your life. He does not seem like that great of a partner and your mom not liking him might have been her mommy 6th sense about the nature of his character. As for you and your mom...you perhaps need counseling to separate yourself and create your boundaries with her. You have been raised with it and in such cases, are just as much tied to that dynamic and her apron strings as she is with you. It's not just her...you also find it hard to say no to her and set your own boundaries, and even if you find a single guy, if you don't deal with your relationship with your mom (it's not your mom...it's your relationship with each other, which is 2-way) then it will strain ANY relationship you get into after this. What did you do (if I may ask) to finally break free? There were no concrete plans. In the beginning, I thought he was divorced and we were starting a true relationship. Once I found out, I did't run but cut intimacy. I know that doesn't make it any better. Now that he's truly divorced, there were still no concrete plans implemented. I knew he had tons to work through and needed tons of time and so did I. And together, we most definitely were taking very small baby steps. I wanted to be there for him. I genuinely love him. I didn't want to abandon him and I wanted to love him in action. Then suddenly he decides that he will not re-live another relationship with an overbearing mom-in-law. All in all, I was duped. BUT, I didn't run once the lies came to the light and now I'm suffering the consequences.
Fitz Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 (edited) In my experience, men who cheat and then get divorced will often want to go "sow some more of their wild oats" before settling down monogamously with a new woman again. I'm not saying that all wayward MM are like this. But many are. The mother thing is an excuse. The harsh truth is that he is not willing to fully commit to you (beyond "casual" romance). Edited July 2, 2012 by Fitz
Emme Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Is he really done? The question should be are you done. Don't wait on someone to end things so it will be easier. You make the call and move on with your life. He is not the only man on the planet. Are you done being disrespected and lied to. If you are not done continue with your affair. It won't get any better it will only get worse. If you allow someone to walk all over you and that's how they know to treat you, there's no stopping them. Can I FINALLY start to heal, grieve, whatever? Will this be another dump me then pop back a time later claiming "I love you and miss you too much"? You're giving this person/MM too much power over you. Take control. What do you want. Decide. Then make sure that you are respected. Take nothing less.
Author TrebleClef Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 He texts me. He tells me that he came to an event that I'd invited him to prior to him suddenly deciding he wasn't "gonna". I didn't reply. At the top of the msg it read: "Awkward....but I came to the....." Then he calls me and tells me a one sentence, minimal, trivial fact. I hold the phone and I had to look in the mirror at myself. I'm dead silent. It dawns on me "what the HELL am I doing?" I actually looked in the mirror and asked myself aloud "what the devil is your problem woman?" This man doesn't want me, love me, he's not in love with me...hell I don't even think he LIKES me! I'm still quiet and he says "this convo isn't going the way I thought it would". I said how'd you think it would go? Of course he didn't answer, I mean after all I did ask a....a....a...QUESTION!!! OMG! AAAAGGGHHHHH, HELP!!!! Then I say "is that it, that's all you wanted to tell me?" He says yes. I hang up. I then text him and ask him again trying to get him to admit it. "Are you done with me?" He replies (hours later) saying he hopes I find a way to tell my mother that I'm grown and that I find happiness". I take that as "yes, I'm done with you". But I'm trying to get HIM to say the words. IDK why...just stupid I guess. Then he texts me that I've been so quick to call him a liar, then he accuses me of lying about something very serious. First off, his many lies caught up with him and slapped him in the face. He IS a liar! Second, I've NEVER lied to him, I don't have time to keep up with what I said, etc. Third, he has the audacity to look me up as if I have something to hide?! Really?! Turns out he had the wrong information. But OMG! Really? The nerve. I told him "look, so you think, so you are!" You're a bold face, rat toothed, manipulative liar!!! and I guess you're saying if you're going down you're taking folk with you. You wanted me to be one too!? I said you lie so much you don't even know what you've said from one minute to the next. He'd say he's near my job, I'd say oh can you bring me lunch, then he'd say "oh, did I say I was NEAR your job? I meant I can come to your job but I'm in _______ right now (which would be miles away). o_O SMH
Author TrebleClef Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 The question should be are you done. Don't wait on someone to end things so it will be easier. You make the call and move on with your life. He is not the only man on the planet. Are you done being disrespected and lied to. If you are not done continue with your affair. It won't get any better it will only get worse. If you allow someone to walk all over you and that's how they know to treat you, there's no stopping them. You're giving this person/MM too much power over you. Take control. What do you want. Decide. Then make sure that you are respected. Take nothing less. See updated post. Mercy, I can't take it anymore. I'm hurt, I truly do love him which makes this even harder and I even miss him already, but goodness...I can no longer take this. I guess it took looking at myself in the mirror...physically and figuratively.
mercy Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) Mercy, I can't take it anymore. You are talking to me, right? Keep standing in front of that mirror. And don't take it anymore. Try not to take any calls or texts either. The drama can be addicting. I am so sorry about the counseling. Miss Bee posts a web site and I can't remember what it is but I really think it would help you, hopefully, someone reading this will know which one I'm talking about. Edited July 3, 2012 by mercy wanted to add.
Emme Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 As long as you continue to respond to this man, you are not done with this relationship. Good luck.
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